The final of all finals

Halftime's over punks. Both D.Whiteside and J.Voorhees drank a couple gallons of Gatorade and ate a couple chili cheese dogs (they were out of manburgers) to power up for the second half while the Rawlings UFC creator, Mr. Andy Pawlowski, (he's not only a fighter, but the President) pumped up the crowd with a rousing speech. "I remember when I first started this........." snooze-fest.

Whiteside threw everyone for a not-so-pleasant loop when he came out of the locker room dressed as one of his positions….his most favorite position….dragqueen. J2 was scared b/c he's been burned by dragqueens before (they just wont shut their mouths), but he was ready to seek some revenge. Denny received the first point of the half for talking in an extra sexy girly voice when he entered the ring. Whiteside extends 19.5-14.5-2 over Voorhees and Baer.

Unfortunately for both J2 and Big Sexy, this only attracted Big John Grizzly Baer to the ring once again. He snatched Denny up like a salmon in a stream and tossed him out of the ring. He reached for J2 and J2 just jumped out, deciding it would probably make the Grizzly happier if he didn't attempt to catch himself….at all. John gains 2 points and some forest cred (since bears don't need street cred).

J-to-the-two, though in pain, was still thinking of ways to get points. He figured this was his chance. Whiteside was tugging at his pantyhose and the Grizz was taunting the Maryville employees, so J2 jumped at the chance. He sprinted over to Denny used his own sheep sheers (France pees his pants everytime those things come out) and shaved all of Denny's hair except his goatee. J2 then yelled "Brother" and hugged that big juicy hunk of man with a side of white. Score: Whiteside 19.5, Lark Voorhies 15.5, Grizzly Adams 4.

Baer was furious that he didn't get in on this hugging, so he grew into a Kodiak (Farrar starts salivating) and went after the fighters once again. He picked J2 and DW up and spun them around like a top (note that Denny still has a skirt on at this point and its fully extended like a ballerina twirling). Baer starting disco dancing around them….just because its fun to dance. He danced with one, then the other, then by himself like the drunk girl at the party, and then danced to the scorers table and gave himself some more points. (You should be picturing lights lower, disco ball, and a dance routine by the Maryville employees going on at this point). The Kodiak/Grizzly shimmied back to the middle of the ring and stopped the twirlers. Score: Whiteside 19.5, J2 15.5, Baer 9. Could a non-ufcer take the match?

J2 and Denny were both dizzy, but its time to team up and get this Baer out of the ring and send him back to the Tech center den where he came from. (Where last week I actually witnessed a fight between a garage door and a forklift, ha.) Whiteside and J2 held hands (no that's nothing unusual) and ran towards Baer giving him the classic clothesline move….we'll give both fighters a point for that one. Denny and J2 then totally nailed the Top Gun high-then-back-down-low-five for another half point each.

Score: Whiteside 21, J2 17, Baer 9 as we near the end of the second annual Rawlings UFC. (don't get too excited though b/c there are still plenty of points left in this title match).

Its at this point in the match that you can see in the fighters eyes who really wants it (like Williams when an entire sheet cake sits in the graphics dept.) It was go time.

Johnny Baery went nuts. He kicked J2, he kicked Denny, he kicked Robert (Oops), he kicked one of Sizemore's old 1970's lamps (watch it, that's a collectors item), and kicked himself in the nose with his knee. (Have you ever done that when youre kicking something real hard? It sucks). He gave an eye-jab and then a vulgar and insulting signal to the Crowd. Baer has taken more attention away from the fighters than Puffy does to Biggy in all his videos. He earns a bunch of points for this, but then goes into hibernation right before he finished off the fighters.

Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside stood up, dusted himself off, looked at the scorers table and rubbed his eyes. Could his dream have just came true? He read the score outloud….J2 had 17, the Grizzly had 15, and GO CRAZY FOLKS, GO CRAZY!! Denny ran around the office crying as his mascara also ran. Being Big and Sexy for this long finally paid off!! Denny Whiteside is the winner of the 2007 Rawlings UFC. Congratualtions.

Good job to all the fighters this year and all the fans out there. Stop by Denny's cube and ask him what he won. You'll be impressed….trust me.

That's all folks. Play with as much fire as you want, who cares.

Oh, and second place is the first loser. No Fear.