Welcome to UFC 2.0.
Below find attached the story that has now become legend. Farrar vs Jundt, as reported by the experts (you). I'll fill in some gaps and add extra points for those who simply couldn't see what happened from their vantage point. I hope you enjoy. If not, you have no one to blame but yourself, or everyone else in the company...
Ryan rode in this morning in on a unicorn! He had his virus free laptop in one hand and a six pack of his favorite energy drink (rockstar) in the other. For those who haven't noticed, Ryan drank zero energy drinks as an intern and now guzzles them by the case. The unicorn was excited and made a quick turn to Maryville University Drive, OHHHH NOOOOO!!!! Ryan slipped and busted his chin on the unicorn... But he wasn't hurt cuz Bill "WOW" Garbe was there to sprinkle his magical healing powder on him......Ryan restored to a 100% and was ready for battle! (One point for Farrar's health and another for his uniform-like fighting power)
Farrar then put down his energy drink and laptop and gripped a jet ski. He saw Jundt galloping in on a bicycle (no unicorn, sucker!) and took aim, hurling a jet ski with his chin at Dan. (It caused Farrar 12 stitches, but you've got to trade skin for points in the UFC). He then instantly grew a goatee to camouflage the wound, most likely thanks to Garbe's healing powders causing a crazy reaction.
Farrar led 3-0.
Jundt got up, and earned a quick point by giving Ryan the 3-finger solute (ctrl-alt-delete). That was good for a quick re-start to the fight. 3-1 as Jundt leaped up the stairs to his home base.
Farrar then got his stitches out (keeping the goatee though) He then took Don (Jundt was apparently asking to be referred to as a Spanish Lord, "Don Jundt," and placed him into an equipment bag sample that Ponderosa (not the Steakhouse) had brought today and rolled him down all three stories and then left him in the rain. Ouch. The painful roll down the stairs technique extended the lead to 4-1.
Outside, the two agreed to a race. Unfortunately for Don/Dan, Ryan's fastball clocked at
91mph beating Dan's airplane clocked at 75 mph. (Must have been the old Rawlings radar ball, not sure Farrar has that kind of gas). Jundt and his plane fell behind 5-1. Jundt apparently couldn't keep up with Farrar in basically anything, falling further behind at 6-1.
But all was not lost for Jundt. "PEBKAC" - as he's known in the hood - charged up the batteries on his small but powerful remote controlled airplane (2 points because he designed and built it himself). He waited for just the right moment to launch it, the wind must be just right or it could spell disaster, as any good pilot knows. Then it happens his opponent Ryan "The Closer" Farrar turned and headed for the lobby, a perfect opportunity to launch, and in one smooth motion the plane lifted off from the 2nd floor balcony and down towards an unsuspecting Farrar (1 more point for a perfect take-off). The plane is electric (that's what she said) and because of that is able to streak towards it's victim in an eerie silence. Jundt pulled the plane into an Immelman manuever and gave Farrar a quick haircut (2 points for his piloting skill as an Immelman is difficult to execute especially indoors and a bonus point for finally getting Ryan a better haircut). A stunned Farrar looked too see what happened but it was too late: Jundt's plane performs a full outside loop and pounded Farrar into submission. Jundt pulled ahead 7-6.
Jundt then reminded Farrar that without his team, there would be no computers or email to fight with (8-6) and then he removed the email addresses of interns from the system. (unfortunately Farrar was still classified as an intern and we all know that only MIS fully knows who is in what group). Farrar could get no emails and had to deal with a battle and a scowl from Scott Keene "Machine". 9-6 Jundt.
In anticipation of Dan's signature quip, Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair, the Flame Thrower did a few warm up tosses in the parking lot, puts on a jacket (but only half way like you see the pros wearing on TV), calmly walked up to the third floor, coincidentally much like a reliever being called from the bullpen. He removed his jacket, peered deeply into Dan's cube, shook his head no, no again, then yes then went into his full wind up. He pitched a fireball of a strike at Dan's chair, igniting it into flames, quietly he quipped to himself, Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Floor. (don't play with Dan's chair while it's on fire). This matchup tightened to 9-8 Jundt.
Then Ryan decided to take it to the next level, that's right, he took it Farrar than he's ever taken it before. Maybe too Farrar. He stole Dan's password and changed every personal setting on his computer. Dan nearly fainted at the thought this, but somehow managed to keep his composure for the rest of his beating. "Thank you sir, may I have another?" was all he could say. And another he got as the score knotted at 9.
Farrar then got a point by confusing PEBKAC and ipecac (the vomit-inducing syrup) and projectile vomiting a mixture of half digested glove leather and Bud Light all over Dan. Side note, from Wikipedia: "Defensive vomiting can also refer to a tactic used by some animals. In the presence of a threat, they vomit towards the threat, thus possibly distracting a predator and perhaps obscuring their scent." Farrar up 10-9.
For some reason, a streak of white light came through the offices. Like a shooting star or a comet or well, let's just say Jeff "I see London, I see" France was warming up. He reminded both warriors that the fight went through him by mullet-whipping them once each and leaving.
Some ladies were walking into the office. Farrar extended his lead to 11-9 for being cute. (it's too bad no interns are voting now, as he might have gotten more cute votes). But Ryan had more than interns on his mind. He was tired of waiting for the IT group to launch a Rawlings wireless network. So he picked up his cell phone and called the Best Buy Geek Squad to come in and give Dan and the MIS group a few pointers (12-9). Unfortunately, Dan and the MIS group was unable to attend the meeting because they were too busy planning for this year's Lotus Sphere convention. But at least Ryan got to see the Hilton-inspired Geek Squad uniforms! He paused to model one of the Geek Squad outfit, hoping to inspire Ron "Paris" Hilson to vote for him or put him in the next Hilton catalog.
Dan Jundt pulled out the big guns. His willingness to help. His willingness to job shadow and follow you through the entire day, if needed (just ask some sales reps) He had a catchy jingle, "Give him your IP number and he'll stay with you all day. Helping you along the way" cut the gap to 12-11. He earned another two points for his nickname, "Mr. Wizzard" (one point for each z), 13-12 over the younger Farrar.
Farrar came back, in true Farrar form and dodged two more comments about his funny chin – tying this score at 13. He did a little prance as he left and saw a strange man, who he'd apparently met at Cooperstown. There isn't much I can say about him except that he had a bunch of hair and liked to sing. He chanted this little diddy at Ryan:
There once was a boy from Nantuckett.......named Farrar.
Who cut his chin on a bar
He loves people to call him Zhar
Drives a little red car
You should hear him play the guitar
I'm not sure what that was about, but it got Farrar another point. That was tough for Jundt to stomach. As will be the final score: 14-13-1, Farrar beats Jundt (and France). The third consecutive bout determined by one vote or less.
UFC Sweet 16 action returns tomorrow with the eagerly anticipated bout of #3 Jeff "I see London, I see" France versus #10 Becky "Two Tables and a Microphone" Shaw. Hit reply to vote or email them to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
And don't play with fire silly. Put it out.
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