Denny purred. Well his bike did, that is. Today was a beautiful day, and he was ready to take it for a ride. Now, if you haven't had the pleasure of riding behind Denny on the bike, let me tell you (well I haven't either, I'm just reading this from the expressions on the faces of people who have!) the view is challenging and you'd better find something to hold onto. Denny's bike is really made for one to own the road, but he made an exception this morning. Whiteside arrived at McCartney's desk, lunged over and in a Fireman's Carry maneuver last seen when France was in better shape, carried the startled but purring McCartney over his shoulder onto the bike.
The next part of the Whiteside ride is simple. You wait until he is affixed in his place and then you climb on. That's what Jason did, because he didn't want to upset D-W. In a move part love and part UFC, Whiteside sent Jason on a UFC roller coaster ride that left Jason's insides in a jungle gym of turmoil. When they arrived back in the offices, Whiteside led 9-3. (Jason had grabbed onto Whiteside a little too tight during the ride, which narrowed the gap just a little)
McCartney is also an inventor, inventing such things as the Lightning glove idea to the waist high sock and the Fenton jacket (which didn't take off). He also, as you know likes to paint (as he dabbled around in Washington and once modeled for a local art class... and by local, I mean inner-company). Anyways, McCartney had invented the battle board. This is a unique tool that allows you to look as if you are working in photoshop while you are, in effect moving a robotic arm into place. This arm operated a lot like the arms do in those machines you find in bars or restaurants (where you try to win a stuffed football by catching it in the clamps). McCartney moved the arm into place, then dove it straight down and it lifted Whiteside to the sky, in a Robotic Atomic Wedgie move that would've made the B.A.B.E. itself happy, if robots could be happy that is. The score knotted closer at 9-8. J Mac got up from his chair, rolled up his cuffs, and leaped in a crazy move last seen in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The special effects would've been crazy, if Jason needed them. But they were crazy as it was. The Whiteside fell behind 11-9, as he fell off the robotic arm onto the ground.
But Whiteside is bringing the sexy back into the office. Big Sexy in the City, that is. Obviously ready for his movie role, where he'll need no stunt double, Denny rose without even bending his legs. He then reached into his satchel (because all cowboy heroes carry satchels) and pulled out some kind of throwing star which he most obviously had drawn himself in a photoshop-lite type program, then emailed to tri phil, sourced, and had shipped back to him. It was crazy, it was painful, it was unpredictable (ever experience anything like that?) Jason tried to defend himself, but the mad skills on display by the Whiteside were irrefutable. Whiteside roared (or snored) like his Harley as he delivered that fatal blow to the hopes of an all graphics UFC title bout.
Whiteside prevails, 17-12, advancing to the UFC Title Match versus Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees.
The matchup will take place in 2 weeks, like the Super Bowl... as these two are now going on a UFC tour, promoting the finals. Stay tuned for more updates. And, heck, in the meantime, feel free to go and play with fire. Just don't get burned.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
a grudge match. seriously.
Wow, this was more than a matchup. This was a matchup of beauty versus beauty. Of a catalog model versus a catalog designer. Of two former interns - one who was forced to leave because Seth's intern experience ended, the other who was forced to leave because it was just getting awkward. Both are now hired and regular employees (as regular as you could call them), but both have that chip on their shoulder, that feeling that the world is against them.
Well, this one started in an awkward spot, Clubbing on a Wednesday. Ryan "The Closer" Farrar checked in at his evening destination, when the burly bouncer asked for his ID. Farrar handed him his wallet. He was promptly tossed from the club, as it is apparently not funny to present a license with your face as a unicorn's. Stupid graphics and this "PhotoShop" program, thought Ryan as he sat on the curb and sipped his smoothie. Voorhees had set the tone, and he had threatened with Ryan's most prized possession: Mojo.
(Side note: Farrar doesn't take missing opportunities to go out lightly. He once skipped a kickball matchup to go out.)
Back to the fight. This was Farrar and Away the most painful start one could imagine for an Elite 8 battle. Voorhees went to work early. And when I say went to work, I mean it. When Farrar entered work (Mojo all off kilter), he reached his cube and found it "occupied". Voorhees had cleverly designed a number (7) that confused the office movers and instead swapped Farrar's office equipment and put it somewhere else. In Ryan's cube, in fact was simply a microwave and a package of partially popped popcorn, along with a note that said (in a fancy font that showed movement and felt techy) "If you want to see something get popped all the way, look in the mirror behind you."
Wow, what could that mean, thought Ryan?
He looked behind him and saw a mirror - obviously moved in from somewhere else. How in the world did that fancy #7 get designed? And where was his stuff? Oh well, he turned around to look in the mirror. But the only thing he saw was his own reflection. Ryan flashed a smile (sometimes he makes himself smile) then suddenly, it came. From behind the mirror jumped a leather-vested adversary (Voorhees, not Zumbach) who delivered a HOH bull-like stampede into the grill of Farrar. Let's just say that Ryan ended up with two fist tattoos, one on each cheek. Wow.
Voorhees led 8-2. He extended the lead to 14-2 as Farrar attempted calling his office phone, trying to locate his new cube. No luck. Anger billowed inside the young Farrar. Do you know how Farrar he'd come? He didn't work so hard as an intern to just lie down and give up. So he popped an energy drink out of his new holdster slot (an innovation Greg Williams devised out of spare leather pieces and leftover scraps from Bob Clevenhagen's Washington toy workshop), slammed it, and felt the vibe of adrenaline surge. He put his weight on his one good leg and body checked the leather warrior across the first floor into the graphics octagon. This cut the gap to 16-8.
There he saw his desk, or at least it looked like his desk - who else would keep a wad of black chew behind their laptop, right? Right. Farrar grabbed his energy chew and popped it in. Voorhees was taken aback by his fearlessness (cutting the gap to 16-11) in putting topsoil in his mouth. But Farrar figured that out. Too late.
When the mood was getting just plain crazy, Voorhees pulled them out. The jazz hands. As he dazzled and jazzled, Farrar became hypnotized. Voorhees stopped, took a quick picture of the dazed Farrar, faked a chef's costume on him, cropped it, cleaned it up, and put it on a flyer Hilton was doing for Buffalo Wild Wings. Then, having finished his work, he completed the job - in the form of a Peg Leg style power knee. He was back at his desk before Jeff France even noticed he'd left. Or so he thought.
Voorhees advances to the title match, edging Farrar in a tighter than it seemed 25-11 victory (no it wasn't.)
Who will he fight? You decide. They are up now:
#3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney versus #1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside
Hit Reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
Good luck.
And don't play with fire. It might crackle and seem fun, but it isn't.
Well, this one started in an awkward spot, Clubbing on a Wednesday. Ryan "The Closer" Farrar checked in at his evening destination, when the burly bouncer asked for his ID. Farrar handed him his wallet. He was promptly tossed from the club, as it is apparently not funny to present a license with your face as a unicorn's. Stupid graphics and this "PhotoShop" program, thought Ryan as he sat on the curb and sipped his smoothie. Voorhees had set the tone, and he had threatened with Ryan's most prized possession: Mojo.
(Side note: Farrar doesn't take missing opportunities to go out lightly. He once skipped a kickball matchup to go out.)
Back to the fight. This was Farrar and Away the most painful start one could imagine for an Elite 8 battle. Voorhees went to work early. And when I say went to work, I mean it. When Farrar entered work (Mojo all off kilter), he reached his cube and found it "occupied". Voorhees had cleverly designed a number (7) that confused the office movers and instead swapped Farrar's office equipment and put it somewhere else. In Ryan's cube, in fact was simply a microwave and a package of partially popped popcorn, along with a note that said (in a fancy font that showed movement and felt techy) "If you want to see something get popped all the way, look in the mirror behind you."
Wow, what could that mean, thought Ryan?
He looked behind him and saw a mirror - obviously moved in from somewhere else. How in the world did that fancy #7 get designed? And where was his stuff? Oh well, he turned around to look in the mirror. But the only thing he saw was his own reflection. Ryan flashed a smile (sometimes he makes himself smile) then suddenly, it came. From behind the mirror jumped a leather-vested adversary (Voorhees, not Zumbach) who delivered a HOH bull-like stampede into the grill of Farrar. Let's just say that Ryan ended up with two fist tattoos, one on each cheek. Wow.
Voorhees led 8-2. He extended the lead to 14-2 as Farrar attempted calling his office phone, trying to locate his new cube. No luck. Anger billowed inside the young Farrar. Do you know how Farrar he'd come? He didn't work so hard as an intern to just lie down and give up. So he popped an energy drink out of his new holdster slot (an innovation Greg Williams devised out of spare leather pieces and leftover scraps from Bob Clevenhagen's Washington toy workshop), slammed it, and felt the vibe of adrenaline surge. He put his weight on his one good leg and body checked the leather warrior across the first floor into the graphics octagon. This cut the gap to 16-8.
There he saw his desk, or at least it looked like his desk - who else would keep a wad of black chew behind their laptop, right? Right. Farrar grabbed his energy chew and popped it in. Voorhees was taken aback by his fearlessness (cutting the gap to 16-11) in putting topsoil in his mouth. But Farrar figured that out. Too late.
When the mood was getting just plain crazy, Voorhees pulled them out. The jazz hands. As he dazzled and jazzled, Farrar became hypnotized. Voorhees stopped, took a quick picture of the dazed Farrar, faked a chef's costume on him, cropped it, cleaned it up, and put it on a flyer Hilton was doing for Buffalo Wild Wings. Then, having finished his work, he completed the job - in the form of a Peg Leg style power knee. He was back at his desk before Jeff France even noticed he'd left. Or so he thought.
Voorhees advances to the title match, edging Farrar in a tighter than it seemed 25-11 victory (no it wasn't.)
Who will he fight? You decide. They are up now:
#3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney versus #1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside
Hit Reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
Good luck.
And don't play with fire. It might crackle and seem fun, but it isn't.
Monday, September 24, 2007
A battle of superhero proportions
I know what you're thinking, right? We ALL know Logan "Out For" Justice is a superhero. But Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney? Isn't he just a graphics guy? Yes. But he's a graphics guy who has worked on superhero images and put them on playground balls. So, this is clearly a dead-even fight going in.
Well, Logan started off in trouble. McCartney arrived at work, or maybe never left (it is catalog season) and painted a second Rawlings entrance on the outside of the building - in the finest painting job seen since the floors of the Washington Warehouse were crafted by McCartney over a lunch hour during inventory season several years ago. Logan walked towards the building in a hurry. You know, the Logan Speedwalk is famous in the building - she has the fastest walk this side of Dan Cullinane - and she unfortunately walked straight into the building, as McCartney's faux door trick had worked to perfection. Justice remained outside, perplexed, as many of us have at one time or another done as we stared at the work of one of these "artists." Nonetheless this awkward period of seeing Logan walk into the building followed by perplexed staring allowed McCartney to extend an early 6-2 lead. (Logan did get two points for the speed at which she did this and for her ability to gaze into McCartney's work). Kuato gazed calmly back at Justice - staring from his perch where J-Mac had painted him.
Meanwhile, out from another painted door ran McCartney. (He had made a banner like the kind seen at local high school football games but with a fake Rawlings facade on it - this banner had in fact been designed as a potential facade for the Rawlings Group before later settling on cobbling the one we have today out of brick.) But like many a graphics project, it looked real - real enough to confuse us less artsy types. But the only look Justice saw was an angry, ripped, graphics powersource known as McCartney and an equally angry, not so ripped, crazy growth known as Kuato. Both delivered angry bellows that led to an 11-2 lead.
But Justice is Served. And it's best served Icy Cold. Logan, in fact had figured out where the real door was and had sprinted into the building. She ran into the first floor break room and grabbed the ice machine, quickly rearranged it into a staple gun-like apparatus, and began to shoot ice pellets at McCartney, cooling his heat down to the tune of an 11-7 lead. She then tossed the ice machine in the air, and delivered a cartwheel-style roundhouse kick of surprise knotting the score at 11. Next, she asked for revisions to the bat line, just because she could see the future and knew they wouldn't be quite right. These would need to be done "yesterday", because even a superhero can't turn back time. This tactic, the quick deadline, is often employed by marketing or sales personnel to great dismay in the graphics universe. When used properly, it leads to a graphics period known as "chattering amongst themselves" followed by a billowing of anger, followed by getting things done even better than imagined. Justice sailed to a 16-12 lead.
McCartney though pulled out his secret weapon (no, not Kuato. Kuato just distracted Justice with crazy riddles while J-Mac went to work). He called for his chariot. Within 50 minutes, the Washington Bobcat cart had arrived and J-Mac had his driver, a gentle lassy who while a bit wild and crazy for most of us provided the distraction while J-Mac delivered the smoke. As in instant power mixed with crazy skill and scary tattoos (not unlike J2's) in a firestorm best left for the history books. Or the timeline that will one day fill our offices.
McCartney used this BobCat cart attack to his advantage, riding it over to Justice where he delivered the a 19-17 victory and advancing on to the Rawlings UFC Final Four!
Here is your final 4 Schedule:
Tuesday: Stewing Day. Hope you're hungry.
Wednesday: #5 Ryan Farrar vs. #6 Jason Voorhees
Thursday: #1 Denny Whiteside vs #3 Jason McCartney
Friday: TITLE BOUT!
Well, Logan started off in trouble. McCartney arrived at work, or maybe never left (it is catalog season) and painted a second Rawlings entrance on the outside of the building - in the finest painting job seen since the floors of the Washington Warehouse were crafted by McCartney over a lunch hour during inventory season several years ago. Logan walked towards the building in a hurry. You know, the Logan Speedwalk is famous in the building - she has the fastest walk this side of Dan Cullinane - and she unfortunately walked straight into the building, as McCartney's faux door trick had worked to perfection. Justice remained outside, perplexed, as many of us have at one time or another done as we stared at the work of one of these "artists." Nonetheless this awkward period of seeing Logan walk into the building followed by perplexed staring allowed McCartney to extend an early 6-2 lead. (Logan did get two points for the speed at which she did this and for her ability to gaze into McCartney's work). Kuato gazed calmly back at Justice - staring from his perch where J-Mac had painted him.
Meanwhile, out from another painted door ran McCartney. (He had made a banner like the kind seen at local high school football games but with a fake Rawlings facade on it - this banner had in fact been designed as a potential facade for the Rawlings Group before later settling on cobbling the one we have today out of brick.) But like many a graphics project, it looked real - real enough to confuse us less artsy types. But the only look Justice saw was an angry, ripped, graphics powersource known as McCartney and an equally angry, not so ripped, crazy growth known as Kuato. Both delivered angry bellows that led to an 11-2 lead.
But Justice is Served. And it's best served Icy Cold. Logan, in fact had figured out where the real door was and had sprinted into the building. She ran into the first floor break room and grabbed the ice machine, quickly rearranged it into a staple gun-like apparatus, and began to shoot ice pellets at McCartney, cooling his heat down to the tune of an 11-7 lead. She then tossed the ice machine in the air, and delivered a cartwheel-style roundhouse kick of surprise knotting the score at 11. Next, she asked for revisions to the bat line, just because she could see the future and knew they wouldn't be quite right. These would need to be done "yesterday", because even a superhero can't turn back time. This tactic, the quick deadline, is often employed by marketing or sales personnel to great dismay in the graphics universe. When used properly, it leads to a graphics period known as "chattering amongst themselves" followed by a billowing of anger, followed by getting things done even better than imagined. Justice sailed to a 16-12 lead.
McCartney though pulled out his secret weapon (no, not Kuato. Kuato just distracted Justice with crazy riddles while J-Mac went to work). He called for his chariot. Within 50 minutes, the Washington Bobcat cart had arrived and J-Mac had his driver, a gentle lassy who while a bit wild and crazy for most of us provided the distraction while J-Mac delivered the smoke. As in instant power mixed with crazy skill and scary tattoos (not unlike J2's) in a firestorm best left for the history books. Or the timeline that will one day fill our offices.
McCartney used this BobCat cart attack to his advantage, riding it over to Justice where he delivered the a 19-17 victory and advancing on to the Rawlings UFC Final Four!
Here is your final 4 Schedule:
Tuesday: Stewing Day. Hope you're hungry.
Wednesday: #5 Ryan Farrar vs. #6 Jason Voorhees
Thursday: #1 Denny Whiteside vs #3 Jason McCartney
Friday: TITLE BOUT!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Shaw(Shank) Redemption?
Chicago Final: #5 Ryan "The Closer" Farrar vs. #10 Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption"
That's the match up, don't wear it out.
In the Windy City you don't have a regional championship without drama. I won't even spare the drama for my Momma, I'll share it with you.
Ryan "The Closer" Farrar , just like cable's #1 drama of all time, "The Closer," starring Golden Globe winner Kyra Sedgwick, is sure to be the favorite in this fight right? I mean he's fighting a girl!! But he gets nervous around girls, so anything could happen.
Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption" , just like the seven time Academy Award nominated movie Shaw Shank Redemption, is by no means an easy opponent, but will she end up with no Oscar's like the film? Or will she come away with the ultimate trophy…..Ryan's heart and sole…..
Both fighters were eager to get going with Becky fresh off her first marriage, Ryan fresh off another injury (it was just the weekend you know), and a clear mind for both. Ryan was the first to earn points for driving to work using the wrong foot. 4-0 Ryan. Becky was quick to slash back doing her best OJ impersonation by running over Ryan like the Juice in his prime. (I bet you thought I was going in a whole nother direction with that didn't cha…that's right, but I didn't). Score tied at 4 each.
Becky doesn't really like football and started feeling sorry for poor Ryan. Ryan decided that he would quickly grow a goatee to make himself look tougher (point) and growled at Becky (point) making her run screaming like a girl (point). Becky's only escape was through a tiny crawl space she had been patiently digging through her cube wall since we moved into the new office giving her a point. Score: 7-5 with the closer leading
Becky's lack of planning showed here (not that I'm saying she has a lack of planning usually) as she fell into Hoying's cube beside her. Ryan found her quickly, but not too quickly because he's limping. He grabbed her by the hair and dunked her into Hoying's tiny basketball hoop (2 points of course) and then stepped back and shot her again through the hoop, but from long distance giving him 3 points. Pretty standard rules really. Score: 12-5 Ry-guy.
Becky got up like a hockey player and played through her injuries. She even got a couple stitches on the side lines between periods. When the buzzer sounded (it was actually a phone ringing) she jumped over a cube and elbow dropped Ryan like some throw back WWF. Ryan cried, you should have seen it. He even sucked his thumb a little. Score: 12-6, Ryan doubling Becky still.
While sucking his thumb, Ryan remembered that he had stuff to do before he could go out that night so he went ahead and finished Becky off. He simply put up a trip wire and called Becky over. She fell into the Lion's den (a real lions den that Ryan had dug and put the large cats in earlier this summer. Don't ask to see it, Rita hasn't told Duke about it yet). Ryan finished Becky like Sherman finishes hamburgers….too early and without changing his gloves. Game over. Ryan wins 15-6 over Becky.
Tuesday 9/18: Rio Final: A UFC 2.0 match up (you send in your battle description):
#12 Lindsey "Knee Brace" Naber vs. #6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees
That's the match up, don't wear it out.
In the Windy City you don't have a regional championship without drama. I won't even spare the drama for my Momma, I'll share it with you.
Ryan "The Closer" Farrar , just like cable's #1 drama of all time, "The Closer," starring Golden Globe winner Kyra Sedgwick, is sure to be the favorite in this fight right? I mean he's fighting a girl!! But he gets nervous around girls, so anything could happen.
Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption" , just like the seven time Academy Award nominated movie Shaw Shank Redemption, is by no means an easy opponent, but will she end up with no Oscar's like the film? Or will she come away with the ultimate trophy…..Ryan's heart and sole…..
Both fighters were eager to get going with Becky fresh off her first marriage, Ryan fresh off another injury (it was just the weekend you know), and a clear mind for both. Ryan was the first to earn points for driving to work using the wrong foot. 4-0 Ryan. Becky was quick to slash back doing her best OJ impersonation by running over Ryan like the Juice in his prime. (I bet you thought I was going in a whole nother direction with that didn't cha…that's right, but I didn't). Score tied at 4 each.
Becky doesn't really like football and started feeling sorry for poor Ryan. Ryan decided that he would quickly grow a goatee to make himself look tougher (point) and growled at Becky (point) making her run screaming like a girl (point). Becky's only escape was through a tiny crawl space she had been patiently digging through her cube wall since we moved into the new office giving her a point. Score: 7-5 with the closer leading
Becky's lack of planning showed here (not that I'm saying she has a lack of planning usually) as she fell into Hoying's cube beside her. Ryan found her quickly, but not too quickly because he's limping. He grabbed her by the hair and dunked her into Hoying's tiny basketball hoop (2 points of course) and then stepped back and shot her again through the hoop, but from long distance giving him 3 points. Pretty standard rules really. Score: 12-5 Ry-guy.
Becky got up like a hockey player and played through her injuries. She even got a couple stitches on the side lines between periods. When the buzzer sounded (it was actually a phone ringing) she jumped over a cube and elbow dropped Ryan like some throw back WWF. Ryan cried, you should have seen it. He even sucked his thumb a little. Score: 12-6, Ryan doubling Becky still.
While sucking his thumb, Ryan remembered that he had stuff to do before he could go out that night so he went ahead and finished Becky off. He simply put up a trip wire and called Becky over. She fell into the Lion's den (a real lions den that Ryan had dug and put the large cats in earlier this summer. Don't ask to see it, Rita hasn't told Duke about it yet). Ryan finished Becky like Sherman finishes hamburgers….too early and without changing his gloves. Game over. Ryan wins 15-6 over Becky.
Tuesday 9/18: Rio Final: A UFC 2.0 match up (you send in your battle description):
#12 Lindsey "Knee Brace" Naber vs. #6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Battle for the honor of the graphics universe
The setup for today's matchup between #3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney and #2 Kate "Bleepin" Ranzini began at the doorway to the castle. The castle you see had been thought by many to contain secrets that would allow you to conquer Eternia. McCartney wanted in. He likes secrets. So he arrived at the castle riding on his large battle cat, Cringer. Now for those of you who do not know, McCartney had already proclaimed himself the most powerful man in the Graphics Universe (or gu as it is known to outsiders) and was set to prove it in this fight. McCartney boasts several powers which reinforce his position of power, including:
The unicorn, hauling the other graphics battle-lord, Jason Voorhees on its back appeared like a shiny star on a rainy night. Voorhees, who is reportedly upset at being referred to as J2 (he claims to be the original), delivered a hit with each of his tattoos (or splashing ink as it's called in the tattoo fight clubs). Anyways, he was gone in a flash and left this crazy fight to continue.
McCartney used this as an opportunity to deploy a couple of battle orbs into the sky, while flexing loudly and then he let it out - the Super Breath technique we warned you about earlier. The breath whipped Kate's hair back in an all-too-unfamiliar manner, extending Jason's lead to 8-4-1. Kate's hair bounced back perfectly, closing the gap to 8-6-1. This ironic sequence of Super Breaths and Super Resilience (of hair) continued like one of those hand dryers in a bathroom that won't stay on long enough. McCartney led 13-11-1.
That's when Jason revealed his Crystal Belt - and with one press of a startling button on that belt, Ranzini dozed over. As in fight over. As in the graphics universe was still in tact.
McCartney wins 15-11-1 over Ranzini and Voorhees. He advances to the finals of the E-Ville Regional against Logan "Out for" Justice.
Up next, your Elite 8! Here's the battle schedules:
TODAY: Chicago Final: #5 Ryan "The Closer" Farrar vs. #10 Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption"
Tuesday 9/18: Rio Final: A UFC 2.0 matchup (you send in your battle description): #12 Lindsey "Knee Brace" Naber vs. #6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees
Wednesday and Thursday: Stewing Days (no fighting, just heavy stewing)
Friday 9/21:Sturgis Final: #1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside vs. #6 Wendy "Still Nasty, Not Newlywed" Mathis
Monday 9/24: E-Ville Final: #4 Logan "Out for" Justice vs. #3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney
Now's the time you vote. Hit reply or email us at RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
I don't care if it's a disco inferno, you still can't play with fire. Dance it out.
- Super Breath, where he blows, using the full-capacity of his lungs, a gust of wind powerful enough to knock over most opponents. Unfortunately, this does not translate into Super Wind, as he does get winded rather quickly on the basketball court.
- The Human Tornado (created with the aid of spinning a sword or small human) can divert objects. This has diverted many an art request onto the desk of other graphics warriors and amused crowds at McCartney family gatherings.
- Instant Offense (either describing scoring points in bunches or offending you in a hurry)
- Able to rub his hands together fast enough to turn sand into glass
The unicorn, hauling the other graphics battle-lord, Jason Voorhees on its back appeared like a shiny star on a rainy night. Voorhees, who is reportedly upset at being referred to as J2 (he claims to be the original), delivered a hit with each of his tattoos (or splashing ink as it's called in the tattoo fight clubs). Anyways, he was gone in a flash and left this crazy fight to continue.
McCartney used this as an opportunity to deploy a couple of battle orbs into the sky, while flexing loudly and then he let it out - the Super Breath technique we warned you about earlier. The breath whipped Kate's hair back in an all-too-unfamiliar manner, extending Jason's lead to 8-4-1. Kate's hair bounced back perfectly, closing the gap to 8-6-1. This ironic sequence of Super Breaths and Super Resilience (of hair) continued like one of those hand dryers in a bathroom that won't stay on long enough. McCartney led 13-11-1.
That's when Jason revealed his Crystal Belt - and with one press of a startling button on that belt, Ranzini dozed over. As in fight over. As in the graphics universe was still in tact.
McCartney wins 15-11-1 over Ranzini and Voorhees. He advances to the finals of the E-Ville Regional against Logan "Out for" Justice.
Up next, your Elite 8! Here's the battle schedules:
TODAY: Chicago Final: #5 Ryan "The Closer" Farrar vs. #10 Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption"
Tuesday 9/18: Rio Final: A UFC 2.0 matchup (you send in your battle description): #12 Lindsey "Knee Brace" Naber vs. #6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees
Wednesday and Thursday: Stewing Days (no fighting, just heavy stewing)
Friday 9/21:Sturgis Final: #1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside vs. #6 Wendy "Still Nasty, Not Newlywed" Mathis
Monday 9/24: E-Ville Final: #4 Logan "Out for" Justice vs. #3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney
Now's the time you vote. Hit reply or email us at RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
I don't care if it's a disco inferno, you still can't play with fire. Dance it out.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
battle on in the howells of justice
Matt "Making Ladies" Howell since (98 ALUM) came in to work a bit ragged, which can happen to a finance guy this time of year. Your eyes hurt from the spreadsheets, your fingers feel as if they're imprinted into a calculator, your mind aches because you can't figure out what day it is in both real month and accounting month languages. It's kind of like playing Tetris when the puzzle pieces start moving really fast. Meanwhile, Logan relaxed as she downed a glass of V8 and confidently stormed into work. Justice needed to be served. And served cold.
Howell was at her desk. They were going to play today's fight on his terms, in a format he likes to call "Truth or Dare."
Justice agreed. She didn't respond (Justice doesn't respond, it simply waits for the moment). Logan was up first, electing a "Dare." Howell in turn dared her to go to the cafeteria and try this morning's special, known as a smashed apple surprise. Justice went down, ordered, and was totally unprepared when Ben "Big Apple" McIntosh gave her an early morning wake-up call, making his morning presence felt as he threw an array of napkins and utensils at Justice and left. Odd but effective.
Howell in turn also elected a "Dare". (Sidebar: what UFC fighter would choose a truth? UFC fighters actually play Dare or Dare) Unfortunately for Howell, Truth or Dare against Logan is much like the original Truth or Dare movie starring Madonna in 1991 - longer than you wish it was, painful to watch, and full of unbelievable dancing. (sidebar: Madonna actually earned a Razzie for Worst Actress in this role) Justice dared Howell to do the splits. He hadn't warmed up, and he couldn't be that flexible right? Howell looked up at Justice (he does give her like 4 inches in this fight), and went down into the splits -- but did it by way of slide tackling Justice on the way. Both hit the floor, Howell in the splits position, as he took an early 4-1 lead. Ka-POW.
It was time for Justice. She took a dare. Howell dared her to go upstairs and steal "General" Lee Lummus' cell phone. (wow) It was apparent that Howell's strategy was to get others to do his dirty work. Justice teleported up to the third floor and found Lummus hiding (working) in his office. She simply looked at him and outstretched her hand. Lee yelped, but was saved (momentarily at least) by Wendy "Johnny" Mathis, who came through to body check Justice before apologizing and moving on. But not before Justice had the cell phone and the lead at 8-4.
Mathis took Lummus' cell phone and called Howell from it. (speed dial 3) His dare was up next and it was different. "Stealth disco Lummus." Now Howell can move in quick, crazy ways (hence his nickname) and he marched up to Lummus' office. Matt looked in, found Lee's blindspot (yes, that one) and grooved. A moment of utter glee swam over Howell. This was his game. It was now 8-6, then 8-7, and then, as he turned around and shook what his momma gave him, he took the lead 10-8.
An alarming sound echoed through the third floor, an unknown individual (records have this person as "Ima User@rawlings.com", which background checks have proven is actually a Rawlings email address record) had sent a virus through computers, causing plane flights (remote control kind) to be delayed and delaying the Rawlings wifi network.
Howell next dared Logan to go and ask a question about setting up a computer for an intern, smirking as he asked. Justice, however was ready. She grabbed a stash of MIS workers and sent them down like Bowling balls on Disco Bowling night Howell's way, stacking him up in a cluster. While he was down, she climbed to the top of the ropes (or cube wall) She began to raise her hands, calling on the crowd noise. She put her hand to one ear (Hulk Hogan style) and then leaped, delivering a flying Billiken elbow drop, silencing Howell and putting an end to this battle.
In the end, you see, this one went to Truth, Justice, and the American Way. Well, I guess I'd change that title to Dare, Justice, and get out of the Way. Justice prevails 18-13. She advances to meet today's winner:
#3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney vs #2 Kate "Pain" Zini
Howell was at her desk. They were going to play today's fight on his terms, in a format he likes to call "Truth or Dare."
Justice agreed. She didn't respond (Justice doesn't respond, it simply waits for the moment). Logan was up first, electing a "Dare." Howell in turn dared her to go to the cafeteria and try this morning's special, known as a smashed apple surprise. Justice went down, ordered, and was totally unprepared when Ben "Big Apple" McIntosh gave her an early morning wake-up call, making his morning presence felt as he threw an array of napkins and utensils at Justice and left. Odd but effective.
Howell in turn also elected a "Dare". (Sidebar: what UFC fighter would choose a truth? UFC fighters actually play Dare or Dare) Unfortunately for Howell, Truth or Dare against Logan is much like the original Truth or Dare movie starring Madonna in 1991 - longer than you wish it was, painful to watch, and full of unbelievable dancing. (sidebar: Madonna actually earned a Razzie for Worst Actress in this role) Justice dared Howell to do the splits. He hadn't warmed up, and he couldn't be that flexible right? Howell looked up at Justice (he does give her like 4 inches in this fight), and went down into the splits -- but did it by way of slide tackling Justice on the way. Both hit the floor, Howell in the splits position, as he took an early 4-1 lead. Ka-POW.
It was time for Justice. She took a dare. Howell dared her to go upstairs and steal "General" Lee Lummus' cell phone. (wow) It was apparent that Howell's strategy was to get others to do his dirty work. Justice teleported up to the third floor and found Lummus hiding (working) in his office. She simply looked at him and outstretched her hand. Lee yelped, but was saved (momentarily at least) by Wendy "Johnny" Mathis, who came through to body check Justice before apologizing and moving on. But not before Justice had the cell phone and the lead at 8-4.
Mathis took Lummus' cell phone and called Howell from it. (speed dial 3) His dare was up next and it was different. "Stealth disco Lummus." Now Howell can move in quick, crazy ways (hence his nickname) and he marched up to Lummus' office. Matt looked in, found Lee's blindspot (yes, that one) and grooved. A moment of utter glee swam over Howell. This was his game. It was now 8-6, then 8-7, and then, as he turned around and shook what his momma gave him, he took the lead 10-8.
An alarming sound echoed through the third floor, an unknown individual (records have this person as "Ima User@rawlings.com", which background checks have proven is actually a Rawlings email address record) had sent a virus through computers, causing plane flights (remote control kind) to be delayed and delaying the Rawlings wifi network.
Howell next dared Logan to go and ask a question about setting up a computer for an intern, smirking as he asked. Justice, however was ready. She grabbed a stash of MIS workers and sent them down like Bowling balls on Disco Bowling night Howell's way, stacking him up in a cluster. While he was down, she climbed to the top of the ropes (or cube wall) She began to raise her hands, calling on the crowd noise. She put her hand to one ear (Hulk Hogan style) and then leaped, delivering a flying Billiken elbow drop, silencing Howell and putting an end to this battle.
In the end, you see, this one went to Truth, Justice, and the American Way. Well, I guess I'd change that title to Dare, Justice, and get out of the Way. Justice prevails 18-13. She advances to meet today's winner:
#3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney vs #2 Kate "Pain" Zini
Parody between Malloy and Mathis
Today's fight parody (you'll find out why I called it that shortly) is between the #6 ranked Wendy "Still acting like a Newlywed" Mathis and underrated #15 Chuck "Chuck Bo Buck Banana Rama Fo" Malloy. Lets get going……..
Come and listen to a story about a man named Chuck
A poor salesman, never fed his family duck,
Then one day he was callin' on an account,
And up through the ground came a big large amount.
An order that is, Rawlings Products, Finest in the field.
Well the first thing you know ol' Chucks a millionaire,
Kinfolk said Chuck move away from there
Said Missouri is the place you ought to be
So they loaded up the truck and fought the UFC.
Ultimate Fighting, that is.
Switch blades, nasty scars.
You see, Chuck used to be a completely different person before the UFC. He was polite, respected, finely dressed, but since his first bloodshed he's been just plain mean. He reportedly even dipped into his millionaire bank account to buy a whoopie cushion to play jokes on Linnie. His opponent is completely the opposite. Since making it to the finals last year she's started an organization called, "Violence in the workplace is not the right way to solve problems or get ahead, even if you think you could by taking another person out," or the VITWISNTRWTSPOGAEIYTYCBTAPO for short. (There's a reason she doesn't work in Marketing) She has somehow still made it to this level of the challenge.
It started with Chuck getting 3 quick points for not cursing when he read his nickname and really got into it. Wendy then earned 3 points back for snickering when he almost said it. Tied at 3 apiece.
Chuck quickly transformed into his new UFC Hot Brick Lab Coat and became the Dangerous Chuckster fighter he's held inside for years (but if you've ever seen Chuck out on a Friday night you know this side comes out often….just ask the ladies). He punched Wendy in the face once saying, "this ones for Target" and then again while saying, "this one's for K-Mart." Wendy quickly reacted with a punching sequence of her own repeating, "Spread.SHEET, Spread.SHEET," over and over again until the score was 12-5 (thanks to Excel).
Don't think Chuck was done. They don't call him 6-Buck Chuck for nothing….he sneezed on Wendy giving himself a 6th point. Score: 12-6 with the Newlywed in the lead.
Lets just say Wendy has some Daddy issues. She looked deep within and unleashed the rage held inside over her twenty-something years and beat Chuck with his own shiny belt. Three smacks on the rear and Wendy has the lead at 15-6. (Bet you didn't see that one coming!!)
After mailing a letter for 2 hours and 59 minutes (that is a significant # for later on in the story) Chuck came back to the match. He had also recruited Ben "Big Apple" McIntosh and Jeff "signature 4 stripes" France to help. In a surprise turn France smacked Chuck with a shovel (who knows where he got that) and Big Ben bonked Wendy with a mini shovel. Score: 15-6-1-1 (Wendy, Chuck, Ben, France). Those 2 then left…..together…..
Chuck got in 4 more kicks while Wendy was on the ground, but it wasn't enough. This Rookie fighter is out of the UFC and must return home to roll in his money. Mathis wins the fight 15-10 and some change.
Lets sum it up with another little ditty:
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful fight.
That started from a scar on Wendy's hide,
aboard this wild ride.
The fighter was a mighty demand analyst,
the fighter brave and sure.
2 challengers threw fists that day,
for a three hour fight, a three hour fight………
The wrestling started getting rough,
the tiny Wendy was tossed.
If not for the courage of her fearless heart,
the Newlywed would have lost; the Newlywed would have lost.
The fight took ground on the steps of this uncharted office building,
with Chuck, the Newlywed too,
the bystanders, and their coworkers,
the Mailroom lady, the President and even Jan,
here in the UFC.
That's the end of today's programming boys and girls. Next up:
#9 Matt "Makin' Ladies" Howell since 98 (Alum) vs. #4 Logan Justice (No nickname necessary)
Come and listen to a story about a man named Chuck
A poor salesman, never fed his family duck,
Then one day he was callin' on an account,
And up through the ground came a big large amount.
An order that is, Rawlings Products, Finest in the field.
Well the first thing you know ol' Chucks a millionaire,
Kinfolk said Chuck move away from there
Said Missouri is the place you ought to be
So they loaded up the truck and fought the UFC.
Ultimate Fighting, that is.
Switch blades, nasty scars.
You see, Chuck used to be a completely different person before the UFC. He was polite, respected, finely dressed, but since his first bloodshed he's been just plain mean. He reportedly even dipped into his millionaire bank account to buy a whoopie cushion to play jokes on Linnie. His opponent is completely the opposite. Since making it to the finals last year she's started an organization called, "Violence in the workplace is not the right way to solve problems or get ahead, even if you think you could by taking another person out," or the VITWISNTRWTSPOGAEIYTYCBTAPO for short. (There's a reason she doesn't work in Marketing) She has somehow still made it to this level of the challenge.
It started with Chuck getting 3 quick points for not cursing when he read his nickname and really got into it. Wendy then earned 3 points back for snickering when he almost said it. Tied at 3 apiece.
Chuck quickly transformed into his new UFC Hot Brick Lab Coat and became the Dangerous Chuckster fighter he's held inside for years (but if you've ever seen Chuck out on a Friday night you know this side comes out often….just ask the ladies). He punched Wendy in the face once saying, "this ones for Target" and then again while saying, "this one's for K-Mart." Wendy quickly reacted with a punching sequence of her own repeating, "Spread.SHEET, Spread.SHEET," over and over again until the score was 12-5 (thanks to Excel).
Don't think Chuck was done. They don't call him 6-Buck Chuck for nothing….he sneezed on Wendy giving himself a 6th point. Score: 12-6 with the Newlywed in the lead.
Lets just say Wendy has some Daddy issues. She looked deep within and unleashed the rage held inside over her twenty-something years and beat Chuck with his own shiny belt. Three smacks on the rear and Wendy has the lead at 15-6. (Bet you didn't see that one coming!!)
After mailing a letter for 2 hours and 59 minutes (that is a significant # for later on in the story) Chuck came back to the match. He had also recruited Ben "Big Apple" McIntosh and Jeff "signature 4 stripes" France to help. In a surprise turn France smacked Chuck with a shovel (who knows where he got that) and Big Ben bonked Wendy with a mini shovel. Score: 15-6-1-1 (Wendy, Chuck, Ben, France). Those 2 then left…..together…..
Chuck got in 4 more kicks while Wendy was on the ground, but it wasn't enough. This Rookie fighter is out of the UFC and must return home to roll in his money. Mathis wins the fight 15-10 and some change.
Lets sum it up with another little ditty:
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful fight.
That started from a scar on Wendy's hide,
aboard this wild ride.
The fighter was a mighty demand analyst,
the fighter brave and sure.
2 challengers threw fists that day,
for a three hour fight, a three hour fight………
The wrestling started getting rough,
the tiny Wendy was tossed.
If not for the courage of her fearless heart,
the Newlywed would have lost; the Newlywed would have lost.
The fight took ground on the steps of this uncharted office building,
with Chuck, the Newlywed too,
the bystanders, and their coworkers,
the Mailroom lady, the President and even Jan,
here in the UFC.
That's the end of today's programming boys and girls. Next up:
#9 Matt "Makin' Ladies" Howell since 98 (Alum) vs. #4 Logan Justice (No nickname necessary)
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Just dirty and tasteless
Well, its 5:46 am and I'm tired. That is, I was tired until Erica told me that she needed to bring a jacket today because she had morning recess duty. Ha!! Gets me everytime. Duty…….very funny. Erica doesn't find it as funny as I do……
I mentioned that story because yesterday's second fight between #6 Jason "do you have to go #1 or J2" Voorhees vs. #15 Jan "Red Bird droppings" Grundig was a dirty fight. Two of the biggest Red Bird fans in the office went head to head on a day that the Cards would fall 4 games out. Not a good day for either of the fighters, but one would be a little better after winning the UFC.
The second game is always after lunch, duh. Jan had something tasty, J2 had something tasty. Jan drank something cool, J2 drank something cool. The difference was in the container they brought it in. Jan brought her lunch in a respectable container, nice yes, but gets you little points in the UFC. J2 brought his Thunder Cats metal lunch box and scored major points. Score: 7-1, J2 winning. J2 does consider himself the Lion-O of the Graphics dept. (Have the thunder cats been mentioned before in the UFC?) Also, France considers himself Panthro, Brian is WillyKat, J-Mac is Tygra, and Bill likes to be called Snarfer.
FYI: (Lion-O, the Lord of the Thudercats, is not as he appears. Although his body is fully developed, his mind is that of a child. With the Sword of Omens and enchanted claw shield at his side Lion-O has powers that rival those of all the Thundercats. With Jaga's guidance, in "spirit" form, Lion-O has learned to trust in the Sword of Omens and the Code that binds all Thunderians)
How could you bet against Jan you monsters! She's so sweet and kind and giving….until it comes to the UFC. Even Jan becomes a different person once she gets in the proverbial octagon. Jan knows its time to fight dirty. Jan flipped over J2's mouse, POINT. Jan then unplugged J2's phone causing him to miss important calls from Bob Neaus, POINT. Jan gets 2 quick ones.
The next blow made J2 as angry as Lindsey when she hasn't seen Maynard for a day; Jan said, "Willie McGee…Ha, more like Willy Wonka." J2 exploded as if he was crossed by Mumm-Ra, The primary nemesis of the Thundercats. He pushed back his mane and growled at Jan causing her to run back to her cushy office. Score: 12-7 with J2 still leading.
Jan, sticking to her Bird nickname decided to retaliate. She head-butted J2 like a woodpecker, mocked him like a parrot, and then goosed him. J2 unfortunately likes that, pushing the score to 15-11 with the second J still ahead.
It was nearing the end and much like the Kanye West/50 Cent cd selling battle (both come out today, I'd recommend Kanye to anyone…..even a preacher) there could only be one winner. (The cupid shuffle also drops today btw). It appears that J2 was the one who's Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger because he ran over Jan like Dan Cullinane speed walking to a protective meeting. He earned points by drawing funny pictures of Jan, spelling his name (almost) correctly, knowing what a Cube is, and recognizing the color violet on the color wheel. (Those were just the ones he studied for). The score at the end of the match is 21-13 with Jan on the loosing end. (That's so pessimistic, how about with J2 on the winning end). I still cant believe people would vote against Jan….heartless.
Today's match-up is between #1 Denny Whiteside and #5 Dan Cullinane. Very solid.
Remember: Don't play with flaming bags of poop that are left on your front porch by prankster teens in your neighborhood. You'll stomp it out and get stuff on your boots. Then you'll walk through the house and get it on the carpet.
I mentioned that story because yesterday's second fight between #6 Jason "do you have to go #1 or J2" Voorhees vs. #15 Jan "Red Bird droppings" Grundig was a dirty fight. Two of the biggest Red Bird fans in the office went head to head on a day that the Cards would fall 4 games out. Not a good day for either of the fighters, but one would be a little better after winning the UFC.
The second game is always after lunch, duh. Jan had something tasty, J2 had something tasty. Jan drank something cool, J2 drank something cool. The difference was in the container they brought it in. Jan brought her lunch in a respectable container, nice yes, but gets you little points in the UFC. J2 brought his Thunder Cats metal lunch box and scored major points. Score: 7-1, J2 winning. J2 does consider himself the Lion-O of the Graphics dept. (Have the thunder cats been mentioned before in the UFC?) Also, France considers himself Panthro, Brian is WillyKat, J-Mac is Tygra, and Bill likes to be called Snarfer.
FYI: (Lion-O, the Lord of the Thudercats, is not as he appears. Although his body is fully developed, his mind is that of a child. With the Sword of Omens and enchanted claw shield at his side Lion-O has powers that rival those of all the Thundercats. With Jaga's guidance, in "spirit" form, Lion-O has learned to trust in the Sword of Omens and the Code that binds all Thunderians)
How could you bet against Jan you monsters! She's so sweet and kind and giving….until it comes to the UFC. Even Jan becomes a different person once she gets in the proverbial octagon. Jan knows its time to fight dirty. Jan flipped over J2's mouse, POINT. Jan then unplugged J2's phone causing him to miss important calls from Bob Neaus, POINT. Jan gets 2 quick ones.
The next blow made J2 as angry as Lindsey when she hasn't seen Maynard for a day; Jan said, "Willie McGee…Ha, more like Willy Wonka." J2 exploded as if he was crossed by Mumm-Ra, The primary nemesis of the Thundercats. He pushed back his mane and growled at Jan causing her to run back to her cushy office. Score: 12-7 with J2 still leading.
Jan, sticking to her Bird nickname decided to retaliate. She head-butted J2 like a woodpecker, mocked him like a parrot, and then goosed him. J2 unfortunately likes that, pushing the score to 15-11 with the second J still ahead.
It was nearing the end and much like the Kanye West/50 Cent cd selling battle (both come out today, I'd recommend Kanye to anyone…..even a preacher) there could only be one winner. (The cupid shuffle also drops today btw). It appears that J2 was the one who's Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger because he ran over Jan like Dan Cullinane speed walking to a protective meeting. He earned points by drawing funny pictures of Jan, spelling his name (almost) correctly, knowing what a Cube is, and recognizing the color violet on the color wheel. (Those were just the ones he studied for). The score at the end of the match is 21-13 with Jan on the loosing end. (That's so pessimistic, how about with J2 on the winning end). I still cant believe people would vote against Jan….heartless.
Today's match-up is between #1 Denny Whiteside and #5 Dan Cullinane. Very solid.
Remember: Don't play with flaming bags of poop that are left on your front porch by prankster teens in your neighborhood. You'll stomp it out and get stuff on your boots. Then you'll walk through the house and get it on the carpet.
Refrigerator Perry style
Choosing your favorite UFC fighter is a lot like choosing a refrigerator. In a refrigerator you want an energy star (obviously), estra wide adjustable side-out SpillGaurd Glass Shelves, full length handles, electronic ice and water dispenser with control lockout and LED light, and an in door ice dispensing system.
In a UFC fighter you want an energetic star (obviously), extra wide behind kicking muscles, no love handles, a punching and kicking dispensing machine with a UFC shine, and an in door ice dispensing system……but most fighters don't have that, unless they've got an icebox where their heart used to be, which some do.
Oh yeah, and you want them both to stay cool under pressure. So, using these characteristics, lets see who you voted for in the battle of #9 Pam Kloster(Wo)man vs. #12 Lindsey "Kneebrace" Knaber. Tough one, I know.
Lindsey took the fight early on (Pam you need more punctual friends), but Pam was able to climb her way back in. Lindsey, after stunt driving her way to the office like she always does, slammed into Pam's new convertible like a Warren County Fair demolition derby (Talk about mullets!). Pam was very angry, but decided to fake a neck injury just like the rest of Lindsey's victims and not retaliate. Lindsey repeatedly used her fake SUV (fake b/c its not a 4-wheel drive) to ram into the tiny red car (with her back of course, so you don't mess up the motor). Score: 2-7, Lindsey winning.
Pam was more mad about the car than she was about her own injuries (oh yeah, she was faking those). She used this anger to go buck-wild on Lindsey. Pam pushed the eject button in her car and flew out the top like she was launched from a cannon (That's why convertibles have soft tops). She landed right next to Zoomy's bike (and knocked it over just because she's always wanted to do that), but right on top of Lindsey. Pam dispensed and ice cold furry of eye jabs, hair pulling, and high heel knocking. Score tied at 9-9.
Lindsey at this point forgot that she had a bumb knee (not to be confused with a bumb's knee) and jumped right up from the beating and karate chopped Pam. Pam karate chopped Lindsey (neither we're wearing black belts that day…). Pam pulled out a phillips screw driver and Lindsey pulled out a split head screw driver. It doesn't really matter, they both hurt like you wouldn't believe when jabbed into your ribs. Score: 13-13….
The final score is 14-17, but do you know who took the battle? The winner used her last moves to take some verbal shots at the other while the loser only had one comeback (all of which are too vulgar for even Cursing Kate Ranzini to say). The winner was able to take it to the next level and be that energy star her fans knew was on the inside, the other wasn't even able to dispense ice….actually neither could the winner, that's just impossible.
Winner of yesterday's (first) fight was Lindsey Kneebrace Knaber (surprisingly though because she gets hurt almost as much as Farrar). Good job to both fighters. Fight one, done.
In a UFC fighter you want an energetic star (obviously), extra wide behind kicking muscles, no love handles, a punching and kicking dispensing machine with a UFC shine, and an in door ice dispensing system……but most fighters don't have that, unless they've got an icebox where their heart used to be, which some do.
Oh yeah, and you want them both to stay cool under pressure. So, using these characteristics, lets see who you voted for in the battle of #9 Pam Kloster(Wo)man vs. #12 Lindsey "Kneebrace" Knaber. Tough one, I know.
Lindsey took the fight early on (Pam you need more punctual friends), but Pam was able to climb her way back in. Lindsey, after stunt driving her way to the office like she always does, slammed into Pam's new convertible like a Warren County Fair demolition derby (Talk about mullets!). Pam was very angry, but decided to fake a neck injury just like the rest of Lindsey's victims and not retaliate. Lindsey repeatedly used her fake SUV (fake b/c its not a 4-wheel drive) to ram into the tiny red car (with her back of course, so you don't mess up the motor). Score: 2-7, Lindsey winning.
Pam was more mad about the car than she was about her own injuries (oh yeah, she was faking those). She used this anger to go buck-wild on Lindsey. Pam pushed the eject button in her car and flew out the top like she was launched from a cannon (That's why convertibles have soft tops). She landed right next to Zoomy's bike (and knocked it over just because she's always wanted to do that), but right on top of Lindsey. Pam dispensed and ice cold furry of eye jabs, hair pulling, and high heel knocking. Score tied at 9-9.
Lindsey at this point forgot that she had a bumb knee (not to be confused with a bumb's knee) and jumped right up from the beating and karate chopped Pam. Pam karate chopped Lindsey (neither we're wearing black belts that day…). Pam pulled out a phillips screw driver and Lindsey pulled out a split head screw driver. It doesn't really matter, they both hurt like you wouldn't believe when jabbed into your ribs. Score: 13-13….
The final score is 14-17, but do you know who took the battle? The winner used her last moves to take some verbal shots at the other while the loser only had one comeback (all of which are too vulgar for even Cursing Kate Ranzini to say). The winner was able to take it to the next level and be that energy star her fans knew was on the inside, the other wasn't even able to dispense ice….actually neither could the winner, that's just impossible.
Winner of yesterday's (first) fight was Lindsey Kneebrace Knaber (surprisingly though because she gets hurt almost as much as Farrar). Good job to both fighters. Fight one, done.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
France and Shaw... one plays hockey, the other plays hooky
"Holy Moly," said Parish to Malone, "Did you see Friday's fight?" "No," Replied Malone. "Me neither," whispered Parish.
Friday's fight was soooooo TGIF. Like totally. Fan favorite #3 Jeff "I see London, I see" France totally fought #10 Becky "Two Tables and a Microphone" Shaw in a battle that you'll forget about by this afternoon, but you shouldn't. Here's how it went, except for the parts I made up.
France came skipping up to the door at 7:59….A.M!! Becky arrived a couple minutes late from oversleeping. (Word is that she overslept because she was up late arguing with Jeremy after she said she had to go to work early to wait for Jeff. Jeremy was all like, "Who's Jeff?" and Becky was all like, "I cant live with your jealousy," and Jeremy was all like, "Oh, no you didn't" and Becky was all like, "Yes I did.") Jeremy then admitted he was wrong (because that's the easiest thing to do for guys and 99% accurate for males being wrong on average) and they lived happily ever after.
The score after all this is 6-4 with France ahead because I said so. Trust me.
Becky walked her blue shoes over to France and his fancy whites and politely compared the footwear. Two points go to France for outshining Becky in this meager contest. Becky then earns 2 points for telling the narrator to stop using France shoe jokes. Good idea. Score: 8-6 with France on top.
France and Beck then started fighting, it was very similar to the fight sequence in The Bourne Ultimatum. You probably didn't see that movie though…..It was crazy. Hands and legs flailing, spitting, cursing, sweating, bleeding, teeth busting…it was like all the No Fear shirts ever invented rolled up into one and made into a fight sequence. Nuts I know. When the fighters were separated, they counted the number of teeth each had left and the score was changed to 10-11….Becky leading.
Now this crazy story (that really doesn't make any sense…I just re-read it….wow, ridiculous) gets even crazier. Becky went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and started registering for wedding gifts. She made France go along….Point Becky, but 2 points for France for not complaining…or scanning her with the little scanner you use to do that. Score: 12-12
There were 2 more points to get and no ideas on how to get them…..can you guess who took them? The winner of the France/Shaw fight is…..this is more exciting that the VMA's that I'm watching right now……Kanye's record comes out 9/11/08……the winner is…….BECKY SHAW……the crowd goes wild!!!! Nice knowing you France. "France who?" said a spectator.
Here's what's on deck for today:
Knock, Knock….
Who's there?
Double Dose Monday…..
Double Dose Monday who?
#9 Pam Kloster(Wo)man vs. #12 Lindsey "Kneebrace" Knaber
#6 Jason "#2" Voorhees vs. #15 Jan "Red Bird Riot" Grundig
Friday's fight was soooooo TGIF. Like totally. Fan favorite #3 Jeff "I see London, I see" France totally fought #10 Becky "Two Tables and a Microphone" Shaw in a battle that you'll forget about by this afternoon, but you shouldn't. Here's how it went, except for the parts I made up.
France came skipping up to the door at 7:59….A.M!! Becky arrived a couple minutes late from oversleeping. (Word is that she overslept because she was up late arguing with Jeremy after she said she had to go to work early to wait for Jeff. Jeremy was all like, "Who's Jeff?" and Becky was all like, "I cant live with your jealousy," and Jeremy was all like, "Oh, no you didn't" and Becky was all like, "Yes I did.") Jeremy then admitted he was wrong (because that's the easiest thing to do for guys and 99% accurate for males being wrong on average) and they lived happily ever after.
The score after all this is 6-4 with France ahead because I said so. Trust me.
Becky walked her blue shoes over to France and his fancy whites and politely compared the footwear. Two points go to France for outshining Becky in this meager contest. Becky then earns 2 points for telling the narrator to stop using France shoe jokes. Good idea. Score: 8-6 with France on top.
France and Beck then started fighting, it was very similar to the fight sequence in The Bourne Ultimatum. You probably didn't see that movie though…..It was crazy. Hands and legs flailing, spitting, cursing, sweating, bleeding, teeth busting…it was like all the No Fear shirts ever invented rolled up into one and made into a fight sequence. Nuts I know. When the fighters were separated, they counted the number of teeth each had left and the score was changed to 10-11….Becky leading.
Now this crazy story (that really doesn't make any sense…I just re-read it….wow, ridiculous) gets even crazier. Becky went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and started registering for wedding gifts. She made France go along….Point Becky, but 2 points for France for not complaining…or scanning her with the little scanner you use to do that. Score: 12-12
There were 2 more points to get and no ideas on how to get them…..can you guess who took them? The winner of the France/Shaw fight is…..this is more exciting that the VMA's that I'm watching right now……Kanye's record comes out 9/11/08……the winner is…….BECKY SHAW……the crowd goes wild!!!! Nice knowing you France. "France who?" said a spectator.
Here's what's on deck for today:
Knock, Knock….
Who's there?
Double Dose Monday…..
Double Dose Monday who?
#9 Pam Kloster(Wo)man vs. #12 Lindsey "Kneebrace" Knaber
#6 Jason "#2" Voorhees vs. #15 Jan "Red Bird Riot" Grundig
Thursday, September 06, 2007
UFC 2.0, Jundt vs Farrar
Welcome to UFC 2.0.
Below find attached the story that has now become legend. Farrar vs Jundt, as reported by the experts (you). I'll fill in some gaps and add extra points for those who simply couldn't see what happened from their vantage point. I hope you enjoy. If not, you have no one to blame but yourself, or everyone else in the company...
Ryan rode in this morning in on a unicorn! He had his virus free laptop in one hand and a six pack of his favorite energy drink (rockstar) in the other. For those who haven't noticed, Ryan drank zero energy drinks as an intern and now guzzles them by the case. The unicorn was excited and made a quick turn to Maryville University Drive, OHHHH NOOOOO!!!! Ryan slipped and busted his chin on the unicorn... But he wasn't hurt cuz Bill "WOW" Garbe was there to sprinkle his magical healing powder on him......Ryan restored to a 100% and was ready for battle! (One point for Farrar's health and another for his uniform-like fighting power)
Farrar then put down his energy drink and laptop and gripped a jet ski. He saw Jundt galloping in on a bicycle (no unicorn, sucker!) and took aim, hurling a jet ski with his chin at Dan. (It caused Farrar 12 stitches, but you've got to trade skin for points in the UFC). He then instantly grew a goatee to camouflage the wound, most likely thanks to Garbe's healing powders causing a crazy reaction.
Farrar led 3-0.
Jundt got up, and earned a quick point by giving Ryan the 3-finger solute (ctrl-alt-delete). That was good for a quick re-start to the fight. 3-1 as Jundt leaped up the stairs to his home base.
Farrar then got his stitches out (keeping the goatee though) He then took Don (Jundt was apparently asking to be referred to as a Spanish Lord, "Don Jundt," and placed him into an equipment bag sample that Ponderosa (not the Steakhouse) had brought today and rolled him down all three stories and then left him in the rain. Ouch. The painful roll down the stairs technique extended the lead to 4-1.
Outside, the two agreed to a race. Unfortunately for Don/Dan, Ryan's fastball clocked at
91mph beating Dan's airplane clocked at 75 mph. (Must have been the old Rawlings radar ball, not sure Farrar has that kind of gas). Jundt and his plane fell behind 5-1. Jundt apparently couldn't keep up with Farrar in basically anything, falling further behind at 6-1.
But all was not lost for Jundt. "PEBKAC" - as he's known in the hood - charged up the batteries on his small but powerful remote controlled airplane (2 points because he designed and built it himself). He waited for just the right moment to launch it, the wind must be just right or it could spell disaster, as any good pilot knows. Then it happens his opponent Ryan "The Closer" Farrar turned and headed for the lobby, a perfect opportunity to launch, and in one smooth motion the plane lifted off from the 2nd floor balcony and down towards an unsuspecting Farrar (1 more point for a perfect take-off). The plane is electric (that's what she said) and because of that is able to streak towards it's victim in an eerie silence. Jundt pulled the plane into an Immelman manuever and gave Farrar a quick haircut (2 points for his piloting skill as an Immelman is difficult to execute especially indoors and a bonus point for finally getting Ryan a better haircut). A stunned Farrar looked too see what happened but it was too late: Jundt's plane performs a full outside loop and pounded Farrar into submission. Jundt pulled ahead 7-6.
Jundt then reminded Farrar that without his team, there would be no computers or email to fight with (8-6) and then he removed the email addresses of interns from the system. (unfortunately Farrar was still classified as an intern and we all know that only MIS fully knows who is in what group). Farrar could get no emails and had to deal with a battle and a scowl from Scott Keene "Machine". 9-6 Jundt.
In anticipation of Dan's signature quip, Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair, the Flame Thrower did a few warm up tosses in the parking lot, puts on a jacket (but only half way like you see the pros wearing on TV), calmly walked up to the third floor, coincidentally much like a reliever being called from the bullpen. He removed his jacket, peered deeply into Dan's cube, shook his head no, no again, then yes then went into his full wind up. He pitched a fireball of a strike at Dan's chair, igniting it into flames, quietly he quipped to himself, Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Floor. (don't play with Dan's chair while it's on fire). This matchup tightened to 9-8 Jundt.
Then Ryan decided to take it to the next level, that's right, he took it Farrar than he's ever taken it before. Maybe too Farrar. He stole Dan's password and changed every personal setting on his computer. Dan nearly fainted at the thought this, but somehow managed to keep his composure for the rest of his beating. "Thank you sir, may I have another?" was all he could say. And another he got as the score knotted at 9.
Farrar then got a point by confusing PEBKAC and ipecac (the vomit-inducing syrup) and projectile vomiting a mixture of half digested glove leather and Bud Light all over Dan. Side note, from Wikipedia: "Defensive vomiting can also refer to a tactic used by some animals. In the presence of a threat, they vomit towards the threat, thus possibly distracting a predator and perhaps obscuring their scent." Farrar up 10-9.
For some reason, a streak of white light came through the offices. Like a shooting star or a comet or well, let's just say Jeff "I see London, I see" France was warming up. He reminded both warriors that the fight went through him by mullet-whipping them once each and leaving.
Some ladies were walking into the office. Farrar extended his lead to 11-9 for being cute. (it's too bad no interns are voting now, as he might have gotten more cute votes). But Ryan had more than interns on his mind. He was tired of waiting for the IT group to launch a Rawlings wireless network. So he picked up his cell phone and called the Best Buy Geek Squad to come in and give Dan and the MIS group a few pointers (12-9). Unfortunately, Dan and the MIS group was unable to attend the meeting because they were too busy planning for this year's Lotus Sphere convention. But at least Ryan got to see the Hilton-inspired Geek Squad uniforms! He paused to model one of the Geek Squad outfit, hoping to inspire Ron "Paris" Hilson to vote for him or put him in the next Hilton catalog.
Dan Jundt pulled out the big guns. His willingness to help. His willingness to job shadow and follow you through the entire day, if needed (just ask some sales reps) He had a catchy jingle, "Give him your IP number and he'll stay with you all day. Helping you along the way" cut the gap to 12-11. He earned another two points for his nickname, "Mr. Wizzard" (one point for each z), 13-12 over the younger Farrar.
Farrar came back, in true Farrar form and dodged two more comments about his funny chin – tying this score at 13. He did a little prance as he left and saw a strange man, who he'd apparently met at Cooperstown. There isn't much I can say about him except that he had a bunch of hair and liked to sing. He chanted this little diddy at Ryan:
There once was a boy from Nantuckett.......named Farrar.
Who cut his chin on a bar
He loves people to call him Zhar
Drives a little red car
You should hear him play the guitar
I'm not sure what that was about, but it got Farrar another point. That was tough for Jundt to stomach. As will be the final score: 14-13-1, Farrar beats Jundt (and France). The third consecutive bout determined by one vote or less.
UFC Sweet 16 action returns tomorrow with the eagerly anticipated bout of #3 Jeff "I see London, I see" France versus #10 Becky "Two Tables and a Microphone" Shaw. Hit reply to vote or email them to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
And don't play with fire silly. Put it out.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
EVERY vote matters!
Kate "Bleepin" Ranzini put her tobacco in early this morning. She patted her chin slightly, yes, no one would notice. Sometimes the tobaccy helps her get ready. You see, she felt extra feisty and told a few cars just what she thought of their "driving" as they pulled into the parking lot here at Rawlings. After egging on a few of the Verizon folks, Ranzini plopped down at her desk, closed the door, and did some UFC warm ups on some mannequins that were stationed in her office. You know the kind that used to have heads and bodies but were now essentially glorified hangers. (thanks Kate)
Meanwhile, Suzyn "Agent Orange" Siebert sent a special UFC package Kate's way. Some of you may have seen this special one-two punch of a need to archive her old emails (and Kate's been here before email) mixed with a need to restart her system to install an "update". Siebert asked one of her MIS (pronounced My A$$) cohorts to call and ask for Kate's IP address. Hint, telling them your IP address lets the MIS crew know exactly where you are. It's kind of like a tracking system and a bug mixed into one.
Ranzini was unable to get to work. Frustrated, she went into the Pro Department's crying room (formerly Ted's office) and yelled. Stuff I just can't print. And stuff that signaled to Suzyn that it was time to get to work. She hopped onto the railing and slid downstairs, carrying a two by four in one hand and "Richie" Rich Truex in the other. Truex would be the distraction (or the bait as Suzyn referred to him), the two by four would be her weapon of choice. Extra Splintery.
There was a knock on Kate's door. It was Rich. Kate smiled (sort of). She stood up to greet him and in some sort of crazy tandem move, Truex dropped to the turf, Siebert used him as a springboard and delivered an acrobatic wake up call to Ranzini, clearing the tobacco out of her mouth and getting this party started, MIS style.
Ranzini's rolling chair went flying into the narrow corridor. But Kate didn't panic. She doesn't panic. Ever. She got her fighting jacket back from Seth (who borrowed it the other day), dusted herself off and then sat back down to get to work. Oh, and while she worked she hoisted Siebert up into the air in some sort of a power hold. And Kate can hold things for a long time.
This became an interesting struggle - of noise versus silence. Which is more deadly, silence or chaos? (Don't ask a 11 year old boy that question). Kate would scream, Suzyn would not respond. It was odd and awkward but both really got under the others' skin. And, come quittin time, the score was deadlocked at 18. That's right 18-18.
Now comes the part where I tell you one person got an extra jab in, right?
No.
Both were exhausted and this one had to be called by the judges.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a first-ever. A UFC draw.
But, wait, there are no ties in the UFC.
And, a recap of the voting history shows that the winning blow came at 8:04 am CST...
A Bleepin Victory.
Kate wins 18-18, by early vote tiebreaker.
Wow.
Ranzini advances to meet Jason "Graphic Violence" McCartney next Friday, 9/14
Meanwhile, Suzyn "Agent Orange" Siebert sent a special UFC package Kate's way. Some of you may have seen this special one-two punch of a need to archive her old emails (and Kate's been here before email) mixed with a need to restart her system to install an "update". Siebert asked one of her MIS (pronounced My A$$) cohorts to call and ask for Kate's IP address. Hint, telling them your IP address lets the MIS crew know exactly where you are. It's kind of like a tracking system and a bug mixed into one.
Ranzini was unable to get to work. Frustrated, she went into the Pro Department's crying room (formerly Ted's office) and yelled. Stuff I just can't print. And stuff that signaled to Suzyn that it was time to get to work. She hopped onto the railing and slid downstairs, carrying a two by four in one hand and "Richie" Rich Truex in the other. Truex would be the distraction (or the bait as Suzyn referred to him), the two by four would be her weapon of choice. Extra Splintery.
There was a knock on Kate's door. It was Rich. Kate smiled (sort of). She stood up to greet him and in some sort of crazy tandem move, Truex dropped to the turf, Siebert used him as a springboard and delivered an acrobatic wake up call to Ranzini, clearing the tobacco out of her mouth and getting this party started, MIS style.
Ranzini's rolling chair went flying into the narrow corridor. But Kate didn't panic. She doesn't panic. Ever. She got her fighting jacket back from Seth (who borrowed it the other day), dusted herself off and then sat back down to get to work. Oh, and while she worked she hoisted Siebert up into the air in some sort of a power hold. And Kate can hold things for a long time.
This became an interesting struggle - of noise versus silence. Which is more deadly, silence or chaos? (Don't ask a 11 year old boy that question). Kate would scream, Suzyn would not respond. It was odd and awkward but both really got under the others' skin. And, come quittin time, the score was deadlocked at 18. That's right 18-18.
Now comes the part where I tell you one person got an extra jab in, right?
No.
Both were exhausted and this one had to be called by the judges.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a first-ever. A UFC draw.
But, wait, there are no ties in the UFC.
And, a recap of the voting history shows that the winning blow came at 8:04 am CST...
A Bleepin Victory.
Kate wins 18-18, by early vote tiebreaker.
Wow.
Ranzini advances to meet Jason "Graphic Violence" McCartney next Friday, 9/14
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Bad Kuato, Bad.
Let me boil the fight that I'll deem the under card into the following bullet points regarding the #3 seed, Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney:
* He is in the middle of catalog season
* He has an expecting wife at home
* He has an angry growth known as Kuato, who lives inside his right shoulder and comes out whenever necessary
* He has an extra-strong (albeit not durable) back and has been known to pull a plow for his family farm on the weekends when the oxen get tired
* He has been known to get into such a zone where he doesn't remember things, even things like dismantling an opposition, showering, and going back to work to eat at a proper time
* He has a callus under his hand where he keeps a graphics intern that comes out, finishes catalogs, and goes back into place. Rumors have it that might be the person we know as Bill Garbe, but I'm honestly not sure, it could be J2.
Adam started the fight off by emailing the company and telling them to vote for somebody else. Very chivalrous, also very non-UFC like. In fact, this opened the door for McCartney, who saw this as Shupe essentially completing an art request for a painful attack. McCartney responded by photo shopping a picture of Shupe giving him a pair of black eyes and a fat lip. He then carefully printed it out, mounted it on foam core, made Shupe a quick logo (for the demolition series), and placed all of this in a nice blue folder which was laying on Shupe's desk when he arrived into the office.
Shupe saw the folder (and should have known something was up as he did not place a folder on his desk last Friday, plus it was vibrating, almost appearing angry. And folders don't get angry) Shupe started to open it when it was flung open by Kuato, who executed what might be called a Facial, if you were willing to call something so gruesome and painful something so tame.
McCartney/Kuato led 7-2 early. Something had to stop this run...
Kathy "Call of Duty" Lutz was angry. She had won battles like this "ufc" thing years before Shupe or McCartney had emerged onto the Rawlings scene. And now Shupe was egging her on? As if she needed to flex her muscles one last time? But in a moment much like that when Michael Jordan returned from retirement, put 45 on the Knicks, and went back to retirement (or something like that) or when Ryan "The Closer" Farrar came back to pitch the Bad News Bears Rawlings softball team to a victory, Lutz calmly put her own self-recorded voicemail message ON, came downstairs, and delivered a left/right/left/right/left forearm attack to the stunned expression area of Shupe's face, making her 5 point statement before she climbed back upstairs and went back to work. And then she breathed. Wow.
Shupe is a bulldog, a fighter, and he locked down the shorter Kuato with a man to creature defensive attack that brought him back into the game. He followed it up with some slashing moves where he quickly darted in, took advantage of the lumbering nature of McCartney and knifed his way back to a 13-8-5 lead over McCartney (and Lutz). But this would not be enough.
J-Mac (Or the Jason who doesn't have to go by a Number) delivered a solid right shot (along with new graphics for the Caliber/Caliper bat, i'm not sure which one but I'm sure it was one of them and I'm sure it looked much better than Shupe). This battle was over, and now Kuato is hungry.
McCartney wins 15-8-5 over Shupe (and Lutz)., and advances to meet the winner of today's bout:
#7 Suzyn Rae "Agent Orange" Siebert
vs
#2 Kate "Bleepin" Ranzini
Email your vote by hitting reply or sending it to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
And if you love somebody, why not set them on fire?
(no, you still can't play with them)
* He is in the middle of catalog season
* He has an expecting wife at home
* He has an angry growth known as Kuato, who lives inside his right shoulder and comes out whenever necessary
* He has an extra-strong (albeit not durable) back and has been known to pull a plow for his family farm on the weekends when the oxen get tired
* He has been known to get into such a zone where he doesn't remember things, even things like dismantling an opposition, showering, and going back to work to eat at a proper time
* He has a callus under his hand where he keeps a graphics intern that comes out, finishes catalogs, and goes back into place. Rumors have it that might be the person we know as Bill Garbe, but I'm honestly not sure, it could be J2.
Adam started the fight off by emailing the company and telling them to vote for somebody else. Very chivalrous, also very non-UFC like. In fact, this opened the door for McCartney, who saw this as Shupe essentially completing an art request for a painful attack. McCartney responded by photo shopping a picture of Shupe giving him a pair of black eyes and a fat lip. He then carefully printed it out, mounted it on foam core, made Shupe a quick logo (for the demolition series), and placed all of this in a nice blue folder which was laying on Shupe's desk when he arrived into the office.
Shupe saw the folder (and should have known something was up as he did not place a folder on his desk last Friday, plus it was vibrating, almost appearing angry. And folders don't get angry) Shupe started to open it when it was flung open by Kuato, who executed what might be called a Facial, if you were willing to call something so gruesome and painful something so tame.
McCartney/Kuato led 7-2 early. Something had to stop this run...
Kathy "Call of Duty" Lutz was angry. She had won battles like this "ufc" thing years before Shupe or McCartney had emerged onto the Rawlings scene. And now Shupe was egging her on? As if she needed to flex her muscles one last time? But in a moment much like that when Michael Jordan returned from retirement, put 45 on the Knicks, and went back to retirement (or something like that) or when Ryan "The Closer" Farrar came back to pitch the Bad News Bears Rawlings softball team to a victory, Lutz calmly put her own self-recorded voicemail message ON, came downstairs, and delivered a left/right/left/right/left forearm attack to the stunned expression area of Shupe's face, making her 5 point statement before she climbed back upstairs and went back to work. And then she breathed. Wow.
Shupe is a bulldog, a fighter, and he locked down the shorter Kuato with a man to creature defensive attack that brought him back into the game. He followed it up with some slashing moves where he quickly darted in, took advantage of the lumbering nature of McCartney and knifed his way back to a 13-8-5 lead over McCartney (and Lutz). But this would not be enough.
J-Mac (Or the Jason who doesn't have to go by a Number) delivered a solid right shot (along with new graphics for the Caliber/Caliper bat, i'm not sure which one but I'm sure it was one of them and I'm sure it looked much better than Shupe). This battle was over, and now Kuato is hungry.
McCartney wins 15-8-5 over Shupe (and Lutz)., and advances to meet the winner of today's bout:
#7 Suzyn Rae "Agent Orange" Siebert
vs
#2 Kate "Bleepin" Ranzini
Email your vote by hitting reply or sending it to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
And if you love somebody, why not set them on fire?
(no, you still can't play with them)
Steven Seagal, Zen, and Superpowers
This fight is the MaIn Event, not the under card. In anticipation for this fight, Steven Seagal actually decided to change the name of his blockbuster 1991 film. Apparently, he is afraid that the title of this film, "Out for Justice", will send the wrong signal and enter himself into a fight that he simply doesn't want. And we all know about those fights you just don't want to make. Maybe it's college basketball and you don't want to play that Ivy League team (or that Missouri Valley Team!). Or maybe it's that office person you just don't want to confront because that might mean having to fill out an art request or (gulp) setting up a part in the system?
This fight had been billed as more than just the battle of the Maryville elliptical machine (this happens every Monday/Wednesday/Friday at lunch - the one on the left is better, apparently). It was more than the right to ruin the UFC dreams for Matt "Makin the Ladies" Howell since 98 (ALUM). This was two UFC beshemoths going head to head. Super Powers versus a Zen Master. No one wants a piece of a super hero, except that is for Maya "Make a Left turn on" Bradstreet. Maya eats girls like Logan for lunch. It's all a part of her wellness protection program.
So, here you go... wellness versus super powers.
Logan started this fight off well, by using Telepathy and knowing exactly when Maya would arrive. This gave her time to head to the parking lot and rearrange all cars (by hand, of course) so that Maya would have to walk longer to get in. Unfortunately for her though, Maya thrives on a bit extra walk - good morning chi, and this extra blast of summer air fueled her morning. The score was even, 2-2.
They met at last in the lobby. Logan moved fast, so fast, almost Dash-like (From the Incredibles silly), enabling her to respond to emails, bird dog a few projects for Tim, and still deliver some painful attack swipes. She led 4-2. Maya responded by meditating, sipping some Earl Grey, gently stretching, and while it sounds too simple to work, breathing. This match was knotted at 4-4
Logan turned on her X-Ray eyes - normally helpful, except security guard Googly Eyes came through - completely distracting Logan and allowing Maya to move into a Pilates routine known as the Hundred, doubling her total and extending an 8-4 lead. Justice shook away the distraction (my polite way of saying "took care of"), leaped into the wall and sprung/accelerated into Bradstreet tying the match again, 8-8.
They locked arms, Bradstreet breathing easily while Justice attempted to clamp down. The score evened again, at 11-11.
Then, in one swoop that i can only call super-duper powerful, Logan jumped into the air, pushed the ceiling up just a tad, reversed course and lobbed herself like a missile into Bradstreet. Both warriors fell to the pseudo-turf ground. In the end, only one could be standing.
Justice prevails, winning 14-13 over Bradstreet in a battle gripped with emotion. She will advance to meet Matt Howell next Thursday, 9/13.
This fight had been billed as more than just the battle of the Maryville elliptical machine (this happens every Monday/Wednesday/Friday at lunch - the one on the left is better, apparently). It was more than the right to ruin the UFC dreams for Matt "Makin the Ladies" Howell since 98 (ALUM). This was two UFC beshemoths going head to head. Super Powers versus a Zen Master. No one wants a piece of a super hero, except that is for Maya "Make a Left turn on" Bradstreet. Maya eats girls like Logan for lunch. It's all a part of her wellness protection program.
So, here you go... wellness versus super powers.
Logan started this fight off well, by using Telepathy and knowing exactly when Maya would arrive. This gave her time to head to the parking lot and rearrange all cars (by hand, of course) so that Maya would have to walk longer to get in. Unfortunately for her though, Maya thrives on a bit extra walk - good morning chi, and this extra blast of summer air fueled her morning. The score was even, 2-2.
They met at last in the lobby. Logan moved fast, so fast, almost Dash-like (From the Incredibles silly), enabling her to respond to emails, bird dog a few projects for Tim, and still deliver some painful attack swipes. She led 4-2. Maya responded by meditating, sipping some Earl Grey, gently stretching, and while it sounds too simple to work, breathing. This match was knotted at 4-4
Logan turned on her X-Ray eyes - normally helpful, except security guard Googly Eyes came through - completely distracting Logan and allowing Maya to move into a Pilates routine known as the Hundred, doubling her total and extending an 8-4 lead. Justice shook away the distraction (my polite way of saying "took care of"), leaped into the wall and sprung/accelerated into Bradstreet tying the match again, 8-8.
They locked arms, Bradstreet breathing easily while Justice attempted to clamp down. The score evened again, at 11-11.
Then, in one swoop that i can only call super-duper powerful, Logan jumped into the air, pushed the ceiling up just a tad, reversed course and lobbed herself like a missile into Bradstreet. Both warriors fell to the pseudo-turf ground. In the end, only one could be standing.
Justice prevails, winning 14-13 over Bradstreet in a battle gripped with emotion. She will advance to meet Matt Howell next Thursday, 9/13.
You've Been Flashed!
This is a crazy time of the month. Time for the accounting team to essentially lock themselves up, shut out from the outside world or even from IM, almost as if they've been quarantined. I learned recently what they do, and I have to say I'm a bit shocked. And this treatment was exactly what Bruce "Bruce" was about to receive as well. That's right, on Friday, both Jarden and Bruce were about to be flashed by the accounting department.
Bruce walked up to the 3rd floor, a walk that had grown a bit tiring in his (mid) age. Sometimes, when Bruce has an errand to run in accounting or maybe just wants to shoot the breeze with J-Lo in credit or Mad Mike in MIS, he misses the old building - where he could simply walk across his room to find these individuals. But now, as he hiked up the stairs, he knew things were getting tougher.
Matt "My flashing style makes the ladies" Howell sat in his office, waiting for his opposition to arrive. As he heard the trudging arrive in his area, he got ready. But he couldn't have been ready for what he saw when Bruce "Bruce" arrived. Bruce had picked up a couple of accounting-types on the way, and entered carrying "Mean" Rich Green in one arm and Elaine "Starting" Bell in the other, like two folding chairs. He entered the room, flinging both Bell and Green into the backpeddaling Howell, leaving a pile of accounting paperwork on the floor and giving Bruce Bruce an early 5-1 lead.
Howell stood up, shaking away his co-workers and the memories of what had caused this disturbance and got to work, accounting style. He gripped his shirt with both hands and lifted both arms, flashing Dickmann in a way reminiscent of that last trip to St Louis Mardi Gras Bruce had chaperoned a couple years ago. The power of this technique, which Howell had named Shock and Awe (emphasis on the Awe) left Dickmann stunned. Later reports on the scene have quoted Dickmann as saying Howell has really nice malacas, whatever that means. The speed at which the flash had ended and a complete accounting tuneup had been given left Howell up 11-6.
In fact, as the tuneup continued (flash followed by a painful attack known as the blind budget cut, which is a seemingly arbitrary budget cut dreamed up by accounting types to torment the non analytical-types, leaving Howell up now 16-8), not much could stop this party... except another party. Just then, an out of control victory party led by Chuck "Nuclear Power Plant" Malloy, whose team had not stopped partying since depositing Mark Kraemer on the UFC scrapheap zoomed by. And anyone who knows Howell knows he has the potential to be distracted by a new party.
Malloy flexed and belched as he left by, draped in a purply silk victory cape. And as quickly as he'd entered, he was gone.
Dickmann had one last energy burst in him. He dropped to the ground and began to drive, noggin first, into the legs of Howell. This surprisingly painful and funny maneuver sent Howell's office chair into its desk as Howell leapfrogged over Dickmann and out into the hallway in an odd matchup that was reminiscent of a Matador versus a Bull. This continued for a bit (charging and escaping) before Dickmann fell asleep, exhausted.
This was over.
Howell wins 21-11-1 over Bruce Bruce and Malloy. Don't worry fans, Malloy will be back.
Howell advances to meet the winner of our next matchup:
#4 Logan Justice (no nickname needed) versus #12 Maya "Make a Left on" Bradstreet.
Second matchup (a Double Dose Tuesday this week): #3 Jason "Graphic Violence" McCartney versus #6 Adam Shupe "rstar"
Hit REPLY to vote or email your vote to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
And please, put the fire down. or out. don't play with it.
Bruce walked up to the 3rd floor, a walk that had grown a bit tiring in his (mid) age. Sometimes, when Bruce has an errand to run in accounting or maybe just wants to shoot the breeze with J-Lo in credit or Mad Mike in MIS, he misses the old building - where he could simply walk across his room to find these individuals. But now, as he hiked up the stairs, he knew things were getting tougher.
Matt "My flashing style makes the ladies" Howell sat in his office, waiting for his opposition to arrive. As he heard the trudging arrive in his area, he got ready. But he couldn't have been ready for what he saw when Bruce "Bruce" arrived. Bruce had picked up a couple of accounting-types on the way, and entered carrying "Mean" Rich Green in one arm and Elaine "Starting" Bell in the other, like two folding chairs. He entered the room, flinging both Bell and Green into the backpeddaling Howell, leaving a pile of accounting paperwork on the floor and giving Bruce Bruce an early 5-1 lead.
Howell stood up, shaking away his co-workers and the memories of what had caused this disturbance and got to work, accounting style. He gripped his shirt with both hands and lifted both arms, flashing Dickmann in a way reminiscent of that last trip to St Louis Mardi Gras Bruce had chaperoned a couple years ago. The power of this technique, which Howell had named Shock and Awe (emphasis on the Awe) left Dickmann stunned. Later reports on the scene have quoted Dickmann as saying Howell has really nice malacas, whatever that means. The speed at which the flash had ended and a complete accounting tuneup had been given left Howell up 11-6.
In fact, as the tuneup continued (flash followed by a painful attack known as the blind budget cut, which is a seemingly arbitrary budget cut dreamed up by accounting types to torment the non analytical-types, leaving Howell up now 16-8), not much could stop this party... except another party. Just then, an out of control victory party led by Chuck "Nuclear Power Plant" Malloy, whose team had not stopped partying since depositing Mark Kraemer on the UFC scrapheap zoomed by. And anyone who knows Howell knows he has the potential to be distracted by a new party.
Malloy flexed and belched as he left by, draped in a purply silk victory cape. And as quickly as he'd entered, he was gone.
Dickmann had one last energy burst in him. He dropped to the ground and began to drive, noggin first, into the legs of Howell. This surprisingly painful and funny maneuver sent Howell's office chair into its desk as Howell leapfrogged over Dickmann and out into the hallway in an odd matchup that was reminiscent of a Matador versus a Bull. This continued for a bit (charging and escaping) before Dickmann fell asleep, exhausted.
This was over.
Howell wins 21-11-1 over Bruce Bruce and Malloy. Don't worry fans, Malloy will be back.
Howell advances to meet the winner of our next matchup:
#4 Logan Justice (no nickname needed) versus #12 Maya "Make a Left on" Bradstreet.
Second matchup (a Double Dose Tuesday this week): #3 Jason "Graphic Violence" McCartney versus #6 Adam Shupe "rstar"
Hit REPLY to vote or email your vote to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
And please, put the fire down. or out. don't play with it.
