Rumpshaker

Chuck "Power Plant" Malloy snickered as he thought about this matchup. He had been training for it ever since that day he saw his sparkling face and powerful figure on the cover of Baseball America (as a star of a Rawlings bat ad). Or maybe it was when he appeared in a cloud of dry ice at a sales meeting. Or starred in a home movie by Denny "big sexy" whiteside.... In any case, he was ready.

Meanwhile though, Mark "Cosmo-Politan" Kraemer was also ready. Just a year ago he was a newlywed asking his wife for a vote. Now he's been working on a top secret military account, known as AAFES or Operation TankTop as it's known on the sales side of this company. Mark has been receiving basic training for awhile now and was completely ready to assemble some machinery out of steel...

Which meant this could only be one kind of competition. Chuck Malloy entered the offices clad in a pair of silky but extra tight SansaBelt Slacks. Extra tight not because Chuck had been eating too much, not at all. But Extra Tight as it would be critical for "Up" Chuck's strategy. Mark wore a pair of navy bicycle pants, which were manufactured specifically for this purpose and on the closeout list as of a few weeks ago. The two met in the middle, near the front door. They bashed elbows, nodded, and then began the clash, Buns of Steel style.

First up was Malloy, shimmying like Shakira to the pitter patter of the second floor onlookers, Chuck gave a full 360 spin as he squeezed and spoke with what his momma gave him. Malloy led 5-0, then 7-0 when he paused and erupted in a move known in the discoteques as Gluteus Maximus Impact. Kraemer nodded, then retailiated on his own, bringing the matchup close at 7-5 when he electric slid his way into position, lifted his right leg up onto the steps, did a quick hurdler's stretch mixed with a Robot pose to intrigue Malloy (which worked, Chuck loves robots), and then grooved in an extended remix of scoops and sways, showing a range of motion that was simply unexpected.

Crowds began to gather, pumping their fists in anticipation. Pandemonium hit the second floor. Security guards began to thump. The lobby was jumping.

But not every Rawlings employee was happy about this attention. In fact, several tried to break up this display. Andy "AK47" Pawlowski, back in town and angry at his sudden elimination from the field, attempted to use his massive height to draw attention and disrupt the battle. Nothing. Bob "Glove Doctor Death" Clevenhagen came in in a leather onesie, ready to dance and lead the audience, but no one stopped to gaze. Lindsey Naber called her neighborhood watch patroller, ManYard Johnson in to try and create a quick mirror-driven display to keep these warriors out of passersby's line of sight. And Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees tried to attach a leather cape and wear it around to distract the audience. But nothing could attract attention away from this scene. Nothing.

Dennis "Re" Turner entered in what is becoming a crazy, crazy thing. This guy just goes on the road, comes in the office, takes some BP or aggression out on the office-dweller types and then heads back onto the road. He does not stick around to fight in this UFC, he just likes to destroy the willpower of those who train and fight in it. And, trust me, DT did not want to stick around to see this fight play out. He did 1-2-Cha Cha Cha his way to making his impact felt, but that was it. He was out.

So, Malloy surveyed the scene. Cosmo was down, resting. And Malloy was primed and ready. He wasted no time, leaping to the air and twisting his body to the side. Oh yeah. He displayed a move that was part defensive slide, part teeter totter . It was simply known as the Heart Breaker. And, as Chuck moved his body in rapid circles, twitching and clapping to the beat of an imaginary drummer, anyone following the UFC knew this one was over.

Malloy wins 17-8-8-1-1-1-1 over Kraemer, DT, Pawlowski, Clevenhagen, Manyard, and J2. Wow. He becomes the 2nd 15 seed to make it to the sweet 16, joining Jan "Redbird Rage" Grundig. Take that.

Now on to our final regional, the E-Ville Region.

Up next, #1 Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann versus #9 Matt "Accounting Flash" Howell. Hit reply to vote or just email it to rawlingsufc@gmail.com.

And, if you are playing with fire, be near some grass. Then you can roll around on it and put it out.