Art vs Howell (and a junky) in an old school fight

You know what day it is…..and yes, you should be biting your fingernails during this fight. Art Chou "D2" vs. Matt "Number Puncher" Howell was a great fight; let me tell you all about this #8 - #9 matchup.

These two fighters were so excited to rumble that they met each other at exactly one second after midnight knowing that it would take a while and they needed to be at work on time. (No time to waste on fighting with budget / buy-out season and bats to be made). The fighters weighed in (Art at 103 lbs. Matt at 235 lbs…then he set down the stack of spreadsheets and discovered he was about a buck-50) and made their way to some street in downtown St. Louis under a street light because "that's how we do it" according to Howell. One wearing blue, the other red of course.

"DING!!" (starting noise by some junky on the corner) and it was on. The first to pull out the brass knuckles was D2 and he jacked the Number Puncher (more like Number Punchee) in the grill. Unfortunately for Art he doesn't understand that grill is slang for mouth and actually punched Matt's hot BBQ pit that he brought with him. Score tied at 1 all. The two went back and forth with hair pulling for about 20 minutes and got the score to 5-3 with Art leading the way…..because he shaves his. The junky was then quoted as saying, "Lets grill some pork chops on that (curse word)."

This next move has never been seen in the Rawlings UFC. The Number Puncher pulled out a calculator and started typing away on it. Art thought for sure that he was going to show him some budget info and started to relax because budgets don't effect R&D(&E?….did they make that up themselves??). The joke was on Art though. Matt was awarded 4 straight points for making upside-down inappropriate words (use your imagination) on the calculator and showing them to Art (and the rest of the gang-bangers busy slingin' on the corner). Very impressive move. Score: 5-7 with Matty ahead.

Lucky for Art, he had a backup plan called the B.A.B.E/Babe/Babe Plan (or Babe to the third power) which consisted of the hitting machine B.A.B.E . (aka the electronic version of Chad…whatever his last name is….I haven't met him yet), the pig from the book/movies, and some hottie he found downtown. Most likely an R&D(&E?) groupie. The girl was for distraction tactics, the machine for hitting Howell, and the pig was there for Art to say, "That'll do pig" b/c he always wanted to say that. Score: 9-11 with Howell on top…of the score board.

Well, Matt roasted the pig, confused the hottie with a math problem, and pulled the plug on B.A.B.E., and earned some street cred' by knifing Art (he brought a switch-blade) giving him 5 easy points with a score of 9-16. The junky was quoted at this point in the battle saying, "I didn't make my bed this morning…b/c I don't have a bed" and then laughed with no teeth….everyone pretended he wasn't there.

Art knew he was in trouble, but got back up and looked Howell right in the neck (Howell's got a couple inches on him), pushed his finger into Howell's chest, gave a mean look, and said, "Ouch." Weak comeback I know.

Quicker than the Grapic's Dept. to free food, Art gave Matt a leg sweep, noogie, slap in the face, bit off a toe (his little one..he doesn't really need it, but it was Matt's favorite), broke his nose with a pipe, and did a quick kidney transplant surgery on the junky with Matt's organ giving Art 6 quick points and a close score of 15-16….but could Art pull it out? (Oh, the junky was quoted here saying, "I drank for 50 years to get my kidney to look like that…can I keep it?")

Matt knew he couldn't take this lying down, it was budget season and crazy demands were coming in from the "Lily-pad" (as Matt calls him). Matt was needed at the office. He gave the junky $3 to finish off Art for him so that the junky could by crack. No problem for Matt who had hidden the money in a budget somewhere for purposes such as this. Matt wins 18-15 over higher ranked Chou. The junky also won, quoted as saying, "This is some good (curse word) crack."

Next up: #4 Logan Justice (no nickname needed) vs. #13 Ben "Forecast calls for Pain" Schoen (pronounced "ShAne" somehow?)

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And remember, as the junky always says, "don't play with fire unless it really (curse word) cool outside."