Chuck "Power Plant" Malloy snickered as he thought about this matchup. He had been training for it ever since that day he saw his sparkling face and powerful figure on the cover of Baseball America (as a star of a Rawlings bat ad). Or maybe it was when he appeared in a cloud of dry ice at a sales meeting. Or starred in a home movie by Denny "big sexy" whiteside.... In any case, he was ready.
Meanwhile though, Mark "Cosmo-Politan" Kraemer was also ready. Just a year ago he was a newlywed asking his wife for a vote. Now he's been working on a top secret military account, known as AAFES or Operation TankTop as it's known on the sales side of this company. Mark has been receiving basic training for awhile now and was completely ready to assemble some machinery out of steel...
Which meant this could only be one kind of competition. Chuck Malloy entered the offices clad in a pair of silky but extra tight SansaBelt Slacks. Extra tight not because Chuck had been eating too much, not at all. But Extra Tight as it would be critical for "Up" Chuck's strategy. Mark wore a pair of navy bicycle pants, which were manufactured specifically for this purpose and on the closeout list as of a few weeks ago. The two met in the middle, near the front door. They bashed elbows, nodded, and then began the clash, Buns of Steel style.
First up was Malloy, shimmying like Shakira to the pitter patter of the second floor onlookers, Chuck gave a full 360 spin as he squeezed and spoke with what his momma gave him. Malloy led 5-0, then 7-0 when he paused and erupted in a move known in the discoteques as Gluteus Maximus Impact. Kraemer nodded, then retailiated on his own, bringing the matchup close at 7-5 when he electric slid his way into position, lifted his right leg up onto the steps, did a quick hurdler's stretch mixed with a Robot pose to intrigue Malloy (which worked, Chuck loves robots), and then grooved in an extended remix of scoops and sways, showing a range of motion that was simply unexpected.
Crowds began to gather, pumping their fists in anticipation. Pandemonium hit the second floor. Security guards began to thump. The lobby was jumping.
But not every Rawlings employee was happy about this attention. In fact, several tried to break up this display. Andy "AK47" Pawlowski, back in town and angry at his sudden elimination from the field, attempted to use his massive height to draw attention and disrupt the battle. Nothing. Bob "Glove Doctor Death" Clevenhagen came in in a leather onesie, ready to dance and lead the audience, but no one stopped to gaze. Lindsey Naber called her neighborhood watch patroller, ManYard Johnson in to try and create a quick mirror-driven display to keep these warriors out of passersby's line of sight. And Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees tried to attach a leather cape and wear it around to distract the audience. But nothing could attract attention away from this scene. Nothing.
Dennis "Re" Turner entered in what is becoming a crazy, crazy thing. This guy just goes on the road, comes in the office, takes some BP or aggression out on the office-dweller types and then heads back onto the road. He does not stick around to fight in this UFC, he just likes to destroy the willpower of those who train and fight in it. And, trust me, DT did not want to stick around to see this fight play out. He did 1-2-Cha Cha Cha his way to making his impact felt, but that was it. He was out.
So, Malloy surveyed the scene. Cosmo was down, resting. And Malloy was primed and ready. He wasted no time, leaping to the air and twisting his body to the side. Oh yeah. He displayed a move that was part defensive slide, part teeter totter . It was simply known as the Heart Breaker. And, as Chuck moved his body in rapid circles, twitching and clapping to the beat of an imaginary drummer, anyone following the UFC knew this one was over.
Malloy wins 17-8-8-1-1-1-1 over Kraemer, DT, Pawlowski, Clevenhagen, Manyard, and J2. Wow. He becomes the 2nd 15 seed to make it to the sweet 16, joining Jan "Redbird Rage" Grundig. Take that.
Now on to our final regional, the E-Ville Region.
Up next, #1 Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann versus #9 Matt "Accounting Flash" Howell. Hit reply to vote or just email it to rawlingsufc@gmail.com.
And, if you are playing with fire, be near some grass. Then you can roll around on it and put it out.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
A Battle of Love
Oh, love is in the air. I've noticed this as I've watched J2 and Seth have worked patiently together on a special project going back and forth, picking out colors and details over the past several months. It's almost like they are planning a special event. I hope I'm invited...
Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees has been training for this matchup for awhile. In fact, for the past thirty days or so, he's been diligently taking a nice helping of Monavie. (for more info, go to monavie.com or swing by Voorhees' desk). The little purple liquid magic, as El Gigante calls it, had sculpted his muscles just enough that he could deliver the best bear hug you could ever receive. This tight, powerhug that started with a man-hug (the side type of hug) evolved into a full bore hug and with Seth resting his head contentedly on El Gigante's piped arms (El Gigante took a 4-0 lead for his Monavie training regimen, which slipped to 4.5-1.5 when Seth felt content rather than afraid.) Who needs to fight when you can rest, right? Wrong.
El Gigante turned the bear hug into a Full Nelson, uncomfortably taking down Elrod to the graphics canvas (a nice base for any artwork, by the way) in a crazy 9.5-4.5 lead. In the graphics area, they paused to see intern Dany Tirado's crazy new laptop-like drawing pad - which wowed those two as they gazed at the pretty technology, moving the score to 9 5/6 - 4 5/6 - 1/3 tally of Voorhees over Elrod over the Office of the Future.
In that moment, laying on the canvas, Seth went after J Two with his best weapon, and one that should have been expected... the man crush. This started with a look, then a second, double take kind of look. The kind that you hope the other person doesn't notice. (we all know this look - it's always noticed). He blushed. A shade of pink that we've all seen on Elrod. This man crush would revisit several times in the bout - as any powerful man crush does. For now, though, it narrowed the score to 9 5/6 - 7 5/6 - 1/3.
El Gigante has survived many a man crush before - as witnessed by many passersby, so he knows just how to break them. He acted completely disinterested in anything Seth had to say. This was very troubling for Elrod, who prides himself on being the center of a conversation. The more Seth tried to impress with flashy, coordinated outfits or witty sayings or even compliments, the more El Gigante ignored him. This silencer treatment pushed the score to 18 1/3 - 9 1/3 - 1/3.
El Gigante wins, remaining the top remaining seed in the once-proud Rio Regional.
He advances to meet the winner of Monday's first matchup:
#7 Barb "Pro Pain" Foerstel versus #15 Jan "Redbird Fury" Grundig
don't forget to vote for the second battle too... (Sturgis regional)
#1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside versus #9 Brian "Big Thunder" Dorsey.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com or hit reply.
And don't play with fire. Play kickball instead.
Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees has been training for this matchup for awhile. In fact, for the past thirty days or so, he's been diligently taking a nice helping of Monavie. (for more info, go to monavie.com or swing by Voorhees' desk). The little purple liquid magic, as El Gigante calls it, had sculpted his muscles just enough that he could deliver the best bear hug you could ever receive. This tight, powerhug that started with a man-hug (the side type of hug) evolved into a full bore hug and with Seth resting his head contentedly on El Gigante's piped arms (El Gigante took a 4-0 lead for his Monavie training regimen, which slipped to 4.5-1.5 when Seth felt content rather than afraid.) Who needs to fight when you can rest, right? Wrong.
El Gigante turned the bear hug into a Full Nelson, uncomfortably taking down Elrod to the graphics canvas (a nice base for any artwork, by the way) in a crazy 9.5-4.5 lead. In the graphics area, they paused to see intern Dany Tirado's crazy new laptop-like drawing pad - which wowed those two as they gazed at the pretty technology, moving the score to 9 5/6 - 4 5/6 - 1/3 tally of Voorhees over Elrod over the Office of the Future.
In that moment, laying on the canvas, Seth went after J Two with his best weapon, and one that should have been expected... the man crush. This started with a look, then a second, double take kind of look. The kind that you hope the other person doesn't notice. (we all know this look - it's always noticed). He blushed. A shade of pink that we've all seen on Elrod. This man crush would revisit several times in the bout - as any powerful man crush does. For now, though, it narrowed the score to 9 5/6 - 7 5/6 - 1/3.
El Gigante has survived many a man crush before - as witnessed by many passersby, so he knows just how to break them. He acted completely disinterested in anything Seth had to say. This was very troubling for Elrod, who prides himself on being the center of a conversation. The more Seth tried to impress with flashy, coordinated outfits or witty sayings or even compliments, the more El Gigante ignored him. This silencer treatment pushed the score to 18 1/3 - 9 1/3 - 1/3.
El Gigante wins, remaining the top remaining seed in the once-proud Rio Regional.
He advances to meet the winner of Monday's first matchup:
#7 Barb "Pro Pain" Foerstel versus #15 Jan "Redbird Fury" Grundig
don't forget to vote for the second battle too... (Sturgis regional)
#1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside versus #9 Brian "Big Thunder" Dorsey.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com or hit reply.
And don't play with fire. Play kickball instead.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
self service mailroom explosiveness
I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it with my own eyes. This was the battle of an All Star (Ron Hilson of the Rawlings All Star award) and an MVP (as in, Lindsey Naber-Garvey, NL MVP of 1974). And they were staring at each other in the mail room. Joann Miller had cleared out of the way faster than she has in a UFC bout (except for that Whiteside battle). The battle began by Naber hobbling over to the side, bending over struggling to get a box from the stash under the counter. It was obvious her knee was bothering her. Ron offered to help, squatting down to reach for a box. It was then that he realized, in a laser quick moment, that Lindsey was not wearing a normal knee brace... but one made of steel. This steel knee delivered a thud to the melon of Hilson and sent him to the ground. Lindsey then wrapped him gently in bubble wrap and began to attack her helpless prey. She extended an early 6-1 lead.
Suddenly, into the mailroom in a fury came Kathy "Just Try to Return That" Lutz, still fuming. Apparently she has been trying repeatedly to have her email address changed from it's current "clutz with a K at rawlings.com" to something more polite that generates less spam or at least less sales rep emails. This hasn't worked and she has no time for fighting anyway. She did have time to pop the bubble wrap on Hilson in a most painful manner, then pick up Naber and throw her onto the cart where she (and Hilson) were both wheeled out of the mailroom and into the hallway. Kathy did this in a quick and painless manner, very nonchelantly in fact. And she was off.
Hilson seized this as an opportunity to get bizzy, Paris style, as it's known to the Hilton team. He opened up a box and began tossing outfit after outfit at Naber - blowing her mind with the combination of outfit style and versatility. Naber did not know how to react. Should she recommend the Steak N Shake white top with the black bow tie, or should see where that top but put the Ten Pen bowling shirt on. She couldn't react to an outfit quick enough. Meanwhile Hilson kept on supplying outfit after outfit, fabric after fabric. Lindsey was confused by the style (of attack). Hilson narrowed the gap to 10-6 then closed it to 10-10 with an amazing, unpredictable Mr Cool-Flo shirt. wow.
Diana "La Ama de los Ocho Angulos" Estrada entered with a special international UFC delivery. No one was quite sure where this came from or how it was even possible, but she came with a message, in Spanish, although she translated it quickly to UFC with a double wheelbarrow pick up and toss, lifting Naber and Hilson away from the clothing display and to the ground. her point was made. quietly and quickly. but felt nonetheless.
Theat opening was all Naber needed. She one-legged ran over to Hilson (just like her personal trainer taught her) and used her good leg to balance while she bent her not so good leg to just the right angle and delivered a well placed and rapid paced series of mechanical thumps that resembled a foose-ball table attack to Hilson. He was a pawn in her game, unable to respond. Unable to move. unable to win.
Naber wins 21-10-2-2 over Hilson, Lutz, and Estrada and advances to meet Pam "Pann Pann" Klosterman on Monday 9/10.
Up next: a marketing versus graphics super fight:
#6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees versus #14 "Crystal" Seth Elrod
hit reply to vote (or email rawlingsufc@gmail.com). and don't play with fire. unless you are playing with that new rawlings basketball, en fuego. that's hot.
Suddenly, into the mailroom in a fury came Kathy "Just Try to Return That" Lutz, still fuming. Apparently she has been trying repeatedly to have her email address changed from it's current "clutz with a K at rawlings.com" to something more polite that generates less spam or at least less sales rep emails. This hasn't worked and she has no time for fighting anyway. She did have time to pop the bubble wrap on Hilson in a most painful manner, then pick up Naber and throw her onto the cart where she (and Hilson) were both wheeled out of the mailroom and into the hallway. Kathy did this in a quick and painless manner, very nonchelantly in fact. And she was off.
Hilson seized this as an opportunity to get bizzy, Paris style, as it's known to the Hilton team. He opened up a box and began tossing outfit after outfit at Naber - blowing her mind with the combination of outfit style and versatility. Naber did not know how to react. Should she recommend the Steak N Shake white top with the black bow tie, or should see where that top but put the Ten Pen bowling shirt on. She couldn't react to an outfit quick enough. Meanwhile Hilson kept on supplying outfit after outfit, fabric after fabric. Lindsey was confused by the style (of attack). Hilson narrowed the gap to 10-6 then closed it to 10-10 with an amazing, unpredictable Mr Cool-Flo shirt. wow.
Diana "La Ama de los Ocho Angulos" Estrada entered with a special international UFC delivery. No one was quite sure where this came from or how it was even possible, but she came with a message, in Spanish, although she translated it quickly to UFC with a double wheelbarrow pick up and toss, lifting Naber and Hilson away from the clothing display and to the ground. her point was made. quietly and quickly. but felt nonetheless.
Theat opening was all Naber needed. She one-legged ran over to Hilson (just like her personal trainer taught her) and used her good leg to balance while she bent her not so good leg to just the right angle and delivered a well placed and rapid paced series of mechanical thumps that resembled a foose-ball table attack to Hilson. He was a pawn in her game, unable to respond. Unable to move. unable to win.
Naber wins 21-10-2-2 over Hilson, Lutz, and Estrada and advances to meet Pam "Pann Pann" Klosterman on Monday 9/10.
Up next: a marketing versus graphics super fight:
#6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees versus #14 "Crystal" Seth Elrod
hit reply to vote (or email rawlingsufc@gmail.com). and don't play with fire. unless you are playing with that new rawlings basketball, en fuego. that's hot.
Who ordered the Surf n Turf?
Ever sit around with your friends and the question pops up of who would win in a fight between Ron and Pam? Me too! Its an argument that could only be settled one way: The Rawlings UFC.
Number 1 seed Ron "Busta" Kappauff "(in your....)" versus number 9 Pam "Pann Pann" Klosterman. Apparently the UFC decides match ups based on alphabetical order? Here's how it all went down:
Ron came to work very prepared yesterday. He brought his waiting bib overalls (waterproof of course), plaid shirt, rubber gloves, cages, limes so he wouldn't get scurvy, a net, a bib, and some butter. He had also been increasing his pain threshold by asking Dan to pinch him each time they had a meeting......all to prepare him for whom Ron thought was his opponent, "The Lobsterman." Ron figured there was a life-sized lobster that had fallen into some ooze and transformed (Ron watched too much Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a kid). Ron was wrong (it appears Ron's hearing isn't what it used to be) and he knew it as soon as he saw Pam pull in to the parking lot with her shinny new convertible.
You see, Pam was prepared too....or so she thought. Pam came dressed as a crab (or was that her attitude, I forgot? .....ooohhh, low blow by the narrator) because she had heard Ron thought he was fighting a Lobsterman and wanted to confuse him. "I'm a Crab, not a Lobster" said Pam. "Oh, well I guess I'm not fighting you" said Ron. Ron now knew he had made a mistake, but wasn't going to let Pam know that. Ron all of the sudden threw the net over the crab for a point and the fight was on. Pam used her pinchers to quickly escape from the net, but Ron had a cage too....so he threw that on her. Score: Ron 3, Crabby Pam 1.
The cage Pam was in quickly broke though as Scott Siebers crashed into it when he heard there was sea-protein around....Pam was released!! She pinched Ron here and pinched Ron there, Ron kicked once, but Pam kept on pinching (Feel free to insert "nagged" wherever it says "pinched"...just sayin'). Score: Ron 4, Pam 7.
Pam felt indestructible in her plastic crab suit. Ron felt silly in his rubber overalls. They kept fighting. Ron would use his ultra-leg power and Pam would rub the product out of Ron's hair, Ron would throw a punch and Pam would crab-walk (that actually gets you lots of points in the UFC), Ron would take a step forward and Pam would push him back two. It seemed as if Ron had no answer.....and that was because he didn't.
A single tear ran down the face of Ron. He knew he was defeated. Pam took mercy. She lifted Ron up off the floor and clipped his head off with one of her giant pinchers. (Yes, that was Pam taking mercy on him!) It was an amazing bloody situation. Don't worry, Ron's head is in the fridge in his (old) cube if you want to tell him goodbye.
Pam wins 25-14 over who was once considered the fan favorite and people's Champ Ron Headoff. (Not to be confused with head-on, apply directly to the head).
Next up:
#12 Lindsey "Can I borrow a cup of sugar?" Naber
vs. #13 Ron ""Get these interns away from my cube" Hilson
Reply to vote or go to
Number 1 seed Ron "Busta" Kappauff "(in your....)" versus number 9 Pam "Pann Pann" Klosterman. Apparently the UFC decides match ups based on alphabetical order? Here's how it all went down:
Ron came to work very prepared yesterday. He brought his waiting bib overalls (waterproof of course), plaid shirt, rubber gloves, cages, limes so he wouldn't get scurvy, a net, a bib, and some butter. He had also been increasing his pain threshold by asking Dan to pinch him each time they had a meeting......all to prepare him for whom Ron thought was his opponent, "The Lobsterman." Ron figured there was a life-sized lobster that had fallen into some ooze and transformed (Ron watched too much Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a kid). Ron was wrong (it appears Ron's hearing isn't what it used to be) and he knew it as soon as he saw Pam pull in to the parking lot with her shinny new convertible.
You see, Pam was prepared too....or so she thought. Pam came dressed as a crab (or was that her attitude, I forgot? .....ooohhh, low blow by the narrator) because she had heard Ron thought he was fighting a Lobsterman and wanted to confuse him. "I'm a Crab, not a Lobster" said Pam. "Oh, well I guess I'm not fighting you" said Ron. Ron now knew he had made a mistake, but wasn't going to let Pam know that. Ron all of the sudden threw the net over the crab for a point and the fight was on. Pam used her pinchers to quickly escape from the net, but Ron had a cage too....so he threw that on her. Score: Ron 3, Crabby Pam 1.
The cage Pam was in quickly broke though as Scott Siebers crashed into it when he heard there was sea-protein around....Pam was released!! She pinched Ron here and pinched Ron there, Ron kicked once, but Pam kept on pinching (Feel free to insert "nagged" wherever it says "pinched"...just sayin'). Score: Ron 4, Pam 7.
Pam felt indestructible in her plastic crab suit. Ron felt silly in his rubber overalls. They kept fighting. Ron would use his ultra-leg power and Pam would rub the product out of Ron's hair, Ron would throw a punch and Pam would crab-walk (that actually gets you lots of points in the UFC), Ron would take a step forward and Pam would push him back two. It seemed as if Ron had no answer.....and that was because he didn't.
A single tear ran down the face of Ron. He knew he was defeated. Pam took mercy. She lifted Ron up off the floor and clipped his head off with one of her giant pinchers. (Yes, that was Pam taking mercy on him!) It was an amazing bloody situation. Don't worry, Ron's head is in the fridge in his (old) cube if you want to tell him goodbye.
Pam wins 25-14 over who was once considered the fan favorite and people's Champ Ron Headoff. (Not to be confused with head-on, apply directly to the head).
Next up:
#12 Lindsey "Can I borrow a cup of sugar?" Naber
vs. #13 Ron ""Get these interns away from my cube" Hilson
Reply to vote or go to
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
a tech center full of hockey pucks
Who is the toughest, meanest Rawlings tech center employee? That is the question, first explored by Greg Williams, along with the regular members of El Tech Lucha Libre (also known as the Mixed Martial Arts InterOffice Fight Club). This is a group of people who have the ability to multiply like rabbits, but more like Gremlins - or like Mogwais who have eaten pizza after midnight no doubt. In any case, no one in the St Louis office is quite sure how many people reside in the Tech Center, and many are sceptical if this "tech center" really exists, let alone the chip on the shoulder warrior known as Wes "Padre del Pato" Lukash. But that's neither here nor there. Wes was here to stay, after scalping Scott "Cherry Garcia" Keene in Round 1. Here are some other little known facts on Lukash:
Nickname: Wes "tNile". He inflicts mosquito bite like attacks that can spread fear without reason that have been known to cause nausea or itching.
Favorite Care Bears character: Sunshine.
Favorite Ralph Maccio movie: Popcorn Shrimp
Favorite Recess activity: skipping
Now back to the fight. Lukash wasn't quite familiar with the is UFC or its rules (or lack thereof). He entered the Tech Center octagon clad in his MMAIOFC battle spandex - the brighter home uniforms. Unfortunately for him, he didn't see Becky Shaw "Redemption". As in Redemption for having to plan a wedding in the middle of hockey season. As in Redemption for having to carry the family honor in the UFC while Jeremy gardened. As in Redemption for having to fight in the Octagon, not a rink. And Redemption as in she had no time for this UFC.
That was apparent as she entered with a hockey stick and began knocking Tech Center employees one by one into Lukash - squashing the dreams of the Tech Center Lucha Libre along the way (along with other dreams). First, Biju Mathew (who carries really well, like a light ball) went scurrying into the legs of Lukash. Then, came Shilo "The Natural" Shively was swept into Lukash. Bob "Chorizo" Neauss was body checked across the tech center. Chad Caldwell "that ends well" was yanked out of his normal location (cheerleading from the sidelines) into the octagon and he was dropped like a human pyramid into the puddle known as Lukash. Shaw was on fire (per UFC rules, please don't play with fire).
Dennis "Re" Turner entered the fray, set to prove he could end this medlum. But, unfortunately, he instead saw this as an opportunity to test out the new Rush bat on the grill of Lukash. (way less exciting than a Head of lettuce, but better than a 2 liter bottle is all i can say). He then ((for good measure) picked up Lukash and drove him to the ground in a DDT TNT power drive. But that was it. He had an event to plan, and unlike Shaw, he has an event like every 6 hours from now until October. He was simply unable to stay in the fight long enough to make an impact. DT did growl angrily at Shaw, but then he had to hit the road again. He was gone.
Oh, and as for Jeremy "Boston Baked Bean" O'Hara, he was nowhere to be found today. He knew this wasn't the moment to talk to Becky. He was working from home.
This battle was over. Shaw wins 21-9-3 over Turner and Lukash.
She advances to meet yesterday's winner, Jeff "I see London, I see" France on Friday 9/7.
Up next:
we move back to the Rio Regional with:
#1 Ron "Busta" Kappauff versus #9 Pam "Pann Pann" Klostermann
Hit reply to vote. (or email to rawlingsUFC@gmail.com)
and put down the flammable objects around the fire when you play with it.
Nickname: Wes "tNile". He inflicts mosquito bite like attacks that can spread fear without reason that have been known to cause nausea or itching.
Favorite Care Bears character: Sunshine.
Favorite Ralph Maccio movie: Popcorn Shrimp
Favorite Recess activity: skipping
Now back to the fight. Lukash wasn't quite familiar with the is UFC or its rules (or lack thereof). He entered the Tech Center octagon clad in his MMAIOFC battle spandex - the brighter home uniforms. Unfortunately for him, he didn't see Becky Shaw "Redemption". As in Redemption for having to plan a wedding in the middle of hockey season. As in Redemption for having to carry the family honor in the UFC while Jeremy gardened. As in Redemption for having to fight in the Octagon, not a rink. And Redemption as in she had no time for this UFC.
That was apparent as she entered with a hockey stick and began knocking Tech Center employees one by one into Lukash - squashing the dreams of the Tech Center Lucha Libre along the way (along with other dreams). First, Biju Mathew (who carries really well, like a light ball) went scurrying into the legs of Lukash. Then, came Shilo "The Natural" Shively was swept into Lukash. Bob "Chorizo" Neauss was body checked across the tech center. Chad Caldwell "that ends well" was yanked out of his normal location (cheerleading from the sidelines) into the octagon and he was dropped like a human pyramid into the puddle known as Lukash. Shaw was on fire (per UFC rules, please don't play with fire).
Dennis "Re" Turner entered the fray, set to prove he could end this medlum. But, unfortunately, he instead saw this as an opportunity to test out the new Rush bat on the grill of Lukash. (way less exciting than a Head of lettuce, but better than a 2 liter bottle is all i can say). He then ((for good measure) picked up Lukash and drove him to the ground in a DDT TNT power drive. But that was it. He had an event to plan, and unlike Shaw, he has an event like every 6 hours from now until October. He was simply unable to stay in the fight long enough to make an impact. DT did growl angrily at Shaw, but then he had to hit the road again. He was gone.
Oh, and as for Jeremy "Boston Baked Bean" O'Hara, he was nowhere to be found today. He knew this wasn't the moment to talk to Becky. He was working from home.
This battle was over. Shaw wins 21-9-3 over Turner and Lukash.
She advances to meet yesterday's winner, Jeff "I see London, I see" France on Friday 9/7.
Up next:
we move back to the Rio Regional with:
#1 Ron "Busta" Kappauff versus #9 Pam "Pann Pann" Klostermann
Hit reply to vote. (or email to rawlingsUFC@gmail.com)
and put down the flammable objects around the fire when you play with it.
Monday, August 20, 2007
A Most Excellent double dose adventure
This day would be the day that the Wyld Stallyns would be put to the test. When we last left William "Bill" S. Preston Esquire and Ted "Theodore" Logan, they were starring in a hit 1991 movie. Now it was time for Bill & Ted to have an Ultimate Fighting Adventure. They would be put to a test in the name of Ryan "The Closer" Farrar and Jeff "I see London, I see" France, respectively.
Bill and Ted entered into a phone booth that was essentially just Sharon Adams' office with a computer in it. They had been in these places before and they knew they were going to need to do a bit of research to help Robert on his History Channel article. Thankfully they were ready for the trip back in time. They crunched together ever so closely (maybe too closely) and picked up the phone. Well almost. Ted called out to one of his girls to dial the number for him. You know, he wasn't sure what year to travel back to, or so I'm told. Back to 1959 they went.
Wow, the gloves were neat, and the ads were cool too. They stopped for some smokes and hung out at the local soda shop. Bill waxed his car and hung his coat over his shoulder while Ted went inside to flirt with the ladies. It was great fun. They noticed on the radio a sudden a great play by a St Louis Cardinal, and decided they'd need to bring in Stan Musial for questioning, so they brought him into the phone booth and it took off.
They zoomed ahead to 1969. There, they stopped in Los Angeles just to watch a couple of baseball games. Ted wanted to make sure we noticed the athletic prowess of their second baseman. Oh this was grand fun, as the two had completely forgotten about Robert's history lesson by now. They watched the game, drove over to watch a KU basketball game (this was their last title season, I think) and hung with the ladies. Then they got back into Sharon's office and something happened. Neither guy could make the office move. They tried to dial support. But neither knew the number - Ted because he doesn't use a computer and Bill because he uses a Mac and is his own support. So they dialed a number at random. They ended up in 1980.
And out into the world they emerged. It was a grand time. A time filled with love and opportunity. Bill & Ted frolicked in the meadows and on the beach. Then it hit them. And by it, I mean the surfboard of a large man. A man with hair golden and long and ever so powerful. His bronze arms were lost in his man-locks. And Ted wanted to pick a battle. He nudged Bill and calmly walked over to the golden warrior (who was apparently Jeff France of 2007 - who had just gone back in time with the specific reason of fighting). Jeff delivered a surfboard to the head and then swept the leg with his pearly white K Swisses. Flash, Flash went the shoes. Ted smiled, apparently thinking he was back in his playing days with the blinding lights being similar to flashes of photography. He smiled again, then it hit him. This was no photo shoot. This was war.
Ted called for help. But he used the phone and the three of them (France, Ted, and Bill) emerged in another year.
Sharon's office zoomed out of control. It was as if it was controlled by an outside force. Something or someone with so powerful a pull that it would call these warriors to it. 1974. The office stopped and a man with a waxy expression and large forearms entered. He punched in Ted and Bill and demanded to be transported to 2006. Apparently he had a young lady to meet in our offices. I'm not sure who this man was or who he was meeting but rumor has it he was the MVP of the National League that year. Rumor also has it he arrived in 2006, flirted with someone, then went back to 1974 to do some bicep curls. The fighters finally dumped off in 2002.
Bill escped to do a little research on a Rawlings innovation - the Vise fielder's glove. He sat in a product development meeting and then went outside to catch some fresh air. Just then, he saw a young man, a baseball player, fresh out of practice. Bill called over to him, maybe to do some testing, I'm not sure. But this young athlete was Ryan "The Closer" Farrar, and he was in his baseball prime - somewhere around 16 years of age at the time. And he was angry. Who was this guy coming into his field, breaking up his routine? And why was he trying to put Farrar into a Vise hold? Farrar and Garbe traded blows back and forth - both very powerful and some more long winded than others. But, with Garbe in mid air about to deliver a Warlock Unlockable Gallantry maneuver, they were sucked in ever so quickly into the office.
And they all finally landed back in the present day, in our offices. The fighters squared off in our offices, and these battles were close. On one side, France and Sizemore were locked in a battle of Golden Locks - the flowing battle shield of France going against the Extra tight perm of Ted. No stylist could decide this victory. It would come down to a final move, one that seemed impossible. France leapt into the air, his legs at 90 degree angles, his heart in his fist and his fist in Ted's smile. Allright.
On the other side, the youthful Farrar was delivering a series of punches that bended with much more movement than the Farrar of today. Much more. And that was impossible for the veteran Garbe to attack.
Ryan "The Closer" Farrar emerged with a 16-13 victory over Bill. And Jeff "I See London, I See" France escaped with a 15-14 victory over Ted. The UFC will not see a Bill & Ted sequel. They forgot to do the history assignment for Robert and this instead fell into the laps of our interns. Geez.
Farrar advances to meet #8 Dan "PEBKAC" Jundt.
France advances to meet the winner of today's matchup:
Unseeded Wes "Padre del Pato" Lukash vs. #10 Becky "Two Turntables and a Microphone" Shaw
Hit Reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
Bill and Ted entered into a phone booth that was essentially just Sharon Adams' office with a computer in it. They had been in these places before and they knew they were going to need to do a bit of research to help Robert on his History Channel article. Thankfully they were ready for the trip back in time. They crunched together ever so closely (maybe too closely) and picked up the phone. Well almost. Ted called out to one of his girls to dial the number for him. You know, he wasn't sure what year to travel back to, or so I'm told. Back to 1959 they went.
Wow, the gloves were neat, and the ads were cool too. They stopped for some smokes and hung out at the local soda shop. Bill waxed his car and hung his coat over his shoulder while Ted went inside to flirt with the ladies. It was great fun. They noticed on the radio a sudden a great play by a St Louis Cardinal, and decided they'd need to bring in Stan Musial for questioning, so they brought him into the phone booth and it took off.
They zoomed ahead to 1969. There, they stopped in Los Angeles just to watch a couple of baseball games. Ted wanted to make sure we noticed the athletic prowess of their second baseman. Oh this was grand fun, as the two had completely forgotten about Robert's history lesson by now. They watched the game, drove over to watch a KU basketball game (this was their last title season, I think) and hung with the ladies. Then they got back into Sharon's office and something happened. Neither guy could make the office move. They tried to dial support. But neither knew the number - Ted because he doesn't use a computer and Bill because he uses a Mac and is his own support. So they dialed a number at random. They ended up in 1980.
And out into the world they emerged. It was a grand time. A time filled with love and opportunity. Bill & Ted frolicked in the meadows and on the beach. Then it hit them. And by it, I mean the surfboard of a large man. A man with hair golden and long and ever so powerful. His bronze arms were lost in his man-locks. And Ted wanted to pick a battle. He nudged Bill and calmly walked over to the golden warrior (who was apparently Jeff France of 2007 - who had just gone back in time with the specific reason of fighting). Jeff delivered a surfboard to the head and then swept the leg with his pearly white K Swisses. Flash, Flash went the shoes. Ted smiled, apparently thinking he was back in his playing days with the blinding lights being similar to flashes of photography. He smiled again, then it hit him. This was no photo shoot. This was war.
Ted called for help. But he used the phone and the three of them (France, Ted, and Bill) emerged in another year.
Sharon's office zoomed out of control. It was as if it was controlled by an outside force. Something or someone with so powerful a pull that it would call these warriors to it. 1974. The office stopped and a man with a waxy expression and large forearms entered. He punched in Ted and Bill and demanded to be transported to 2006. Apparently he had a young lady to meet in our offices. I'm not sure who this man was or who he was meeting but rumor has it he was the MVP of the National League that year. Rumor also has it he arrived in 2006, flirted with someone, then went back to 1974 to do some bicep curls. The fighters finally dumped off in 2002.
Bill escped to do a little research on a Rawlings innovation - the Vise fielder's glove. He sat in a product development meeting and then went outside to catch some fresh air. Just then, he saw a young man, a baseball player, fresh out of practice. Bill called over to him, maybe to do some testing, I'm not sure. But this young athlete was Ryan "The Closer" Farrar, and he was in his baseball prime - somewhere around 16 years of age at the time. And he was angry. Who was this guy coming into his field, breaking up his routine? And why was he trying to put Farrar into a Vise hold? Farrar and Garbe traded blows back and forth - both very powerful and some more long winded than others. But, with Garbe in mid air about to deliver a Warlock Unlockable Gallantry maneuver, they were sucked in ever so quickly into the office.
And they all finally landed back in the present day, in our offices. The fighters squared off in our offices, and these battles were close. On one side, France and Sizemore were locked in a battle of Golden Locks - the flowing battle shield of France going against the Extra tight perm of Ted. No stylist could decide this victory. It would come down to a final move, one that seemed impossible. France leapt into the air, his legs at 90 degree angles, his heart in his fist and his fist in Ted's smile. Allright.
On the other side, the youthful Farrar was delivering a series of punches that bended with much more movement than the Farrar of today. Much more. And that was impossible for the veteran Garbe to attack.
Ryan "The Closer" Farrar emerged with a 16-13 victory over Bill. And Jeff "I See London, I See" France escaped with a 15-14 victory over Ted. The UFC will not see a Bill & Ted sequel. They forgot to do the history assignment for Robert and this instead fell into the laps of our interns. Geez.
Farrar advances to meet #8 Dan "PEBKAC" Jundt.
France advances to meet the winner of today's matchup:
Unseeded Wes "Padre del Pato" Lukash vs. #10 Becky "Two Turntables and a Microphone" Shaw
Hit Reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
Sunday, August 19, 2007
improbable matchup is the best in ufc history
I've seen many a fight in my Rawlings UFC career. But nothing at all like this epic, two-day battle known as Tomaszewski-Jundt. Expect to see a rematch. This was a downright nasty battle....
Tomaszewski had spent the days since his dismantling of Debbie Hudgens growing out his sideburns (they are now down to a level 4) and intimidating his future opponents - trust me 6 seed Jason "El Matador" Voorhees knows there are now no boundaries in love and war. The increase in sideburn length caused the UFC governing body to raise the crisis level to level Taco. Just enough to make you sweat. And enough to let those who weren't fighting that danger lurked in the form of a Chicago-trained Southside Bomber known as Bob "Windy City Shocker" Tomaszewski.
Bob arrived at work on Thursday in plenty of time to do a series of pushups near the elevators. It gets the muscles extra ready and also earns a few extra votes on the second floor while serving as a warning to the first floor. He would do one push up, launch himself in the air, look for his prey, clap his hands in mid air, and continue. This was like some crazy boot camp and frightened Jundt when he arrived, still clad in his Spandex biking outfit (he wanted people to remember that he bikes). Tomahawk led 3-0. Then Jundt snapped his biking outfit strap into his own arm, demonstrating a combination of mental toughness, craziness, and a willingness to inflict pain on pretty much anyone. The snap of the spandex knotted the score at 3.
These two refused to get into a fight, preferring to snap and clap their way through the day although Tomaszewski did end the day with a rather loud grunt, giving him a slight edge. At the end of one day of fighting, Tomaszewski led 7-6.
DING. Round 2 began, and that ding was also the sound of Bob's computer apparently crashing. He called support. MIS loved this - a sign of weakness. What #1 seed needs help? Suzyn talked gentlely to Bob, signalling to Jundt that Bob was now in his cube. Bob was asked for to remain patient while someone came down to reboot his system. But little did he know this rebooting would actually result in Dan "PEBKAC" Jundt delivering a complete system refresh to Bob. This is a very painful technique that started by cleaning Bob's cache and then downloading a new operating system known as Jundt 2.0. Jundt 2.0 is a powerful tool that few understand, and has been known to crash many who tried. This installation concluded with a synch all of Dan's battle moves onto Bob's memory - delivered in a series of painful back strikes that resulted in Bob being deposited into the computer hospital. Jundt led 16-8.
Bob got up, angry. He began to rant at levels not seen by anyone this side of Washington. And when bob rants, people move. Bob began to pick up any MIS associate he could find, leaving a pile of employees, computers, and files on the ground of Jundt's cubicle. The battle raged on, now tied at 16.
Tomaszewski flexed, ripping a button from his shirt. He moved ahead 19-16..
Jundt flexed, expanding his spandex bike suit just enough. The score tied at 19.
Tomaszewski climbed to the top of the cubicle wall, quickly calculated a forecast, and then delivered this forecast on schedule, on target, and onto the waiting head of Dan in the form of a Tomahawk Leg Chop. He led 25-21. Impossibly, Jundt retailiated, delivering a head but followed by a cackle, again tying the score at 25.
All this fighting had Bob winded. He sat for a moment to relax. Jundt sat as well. Then, in a move unexpected by most (but not all) UFC fighters, Bob leapt into Dan's lap, delivering a motorboat of pain into Jundt's head. Tomaszewski took a 29-25 lead. And, in an equally improbable move, Jundt reached behind his chair, and in one motion, dumped his chair to the ground, elevating Bob in mid air, grabbed both of Bob's legs and put him in a reverse wheel barrow carry before driving both bodies into the ground.
30-29.
Only one man was able to get up.
But who?
Improbably, it was #8 Dan "PEBKAC" Jundt. He advances to meet the winner of today's first matchup (Garbe vs Farrar) on 9/6...
Up today, Double Dose Monday:
Appetizer: #13 Bill "WoW" Garbe vs. #5 Ryan "The Closer" Farrar
Main Dish: #3 Jeff "I see London, I see" France vs. #11Ted "Teddy Ballgamer" Sizemore
hit reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
and, no matter what you hear is cool, don't play with fire. it just ain't.
Tomaszewski had spent the days since his dismantling of Debbie Hudgens growing out his sideburns (they are now down to a level 4) and intimidating his future opponents - trust me 6 seed Jason "El Matador" Voorhees knows there are now no boundaries in love and war. The increase in sideburn length caused the UFC governing body to raise the crisis level to level Taco. Just enough to make you sweat. And enough to let those who weren't fighting that danger lurked in the form of a Chicago-trained Southside Bomber known as Bob "Windy City Shocker" Tomaszewski.
Bob arrived at work on Thursday in plenty of time to do a series of pushups near the elevators. It gets the muscles extra ready and also earns a few extra votes on the second floor while serving as a warning to the first floor. He would do one push up, launch himself in the air, look for his prey, clap his hands in mid air, and continue. This was like some crazy boot camp and frightened Jundt when he arrived, still clad in his Spandex biking outfit (he wanted people to remember that he bikes). Tomahawk led 3-0. Then Jundt snapped his biking outfit strap into his own arm, demonstrating a combination of mental toughness, craziness, and a willingness to inflict pain on pretty much anyone. The snap of the spandex knotted the score at 3.
These two refused to get into a fight, preferring to snap and clap their way through the day although Tomaszewski did end the day with a rather loud grunt, giving him a slight edge. At the end of one day of fighting, Tomaszewski led 7-6.
DING. Round 2 began, and that ding was also the sound of Bob's computer apparently crashing. He called support. MIS loved this - a sign of weakness. What #1 seed needs help? Suzyn talked gentlely to Bob, signalling to Jundt that Bob was now in his cube. Bob was asked for to remain patient while someone came down to reboot his system. But little did he know this rebooting would actually result in Dan "PEBKAC" Jundt delivering a complete system refresh to Bob. This is a very painful technique that started by cleaning Bob's cache and then downloading a new operating system known as Jundt 2.0. Jundt 2.0 is a powerful tool that few understand, and has been known to crash many who tried. This installation concluded with a synch all of Dan's battle moves onto Bob's memory - delivered in a series of painful back strikes that resulted in Bob being deposited into the computer hospital. Jundt led 16-8.
Bob got up, angry. He began to rant at levels not seen by anyone this side of Washington. And when bob rants, people move. Bob began to pick up any MIS associate he could find, leaving a pile of employees, computers, and files on the ground of Jundt's cubicle. The battle raged on, now tied at 16.
Tomaszewski flexed, ripping a button from his shirt. He moved ahead 19-16..
Jundt flexed, expanding his spandex bike suit just enough. The score tied at 19.
Tomaszewski climbed to the top of the cubicle wall, quickly calculated a forecast, and then delivered this forecast on schedule, on target, and onto the waiting head of Dan in the form of a Tomahawk Leg Chop. He led 25-21. Impossibly, Jundt retailiated, delivering a head but followed by a cackle, again tying the score at 25.
All this fighting had Bob winded. He sat for a moment to relax. Jundt sat as well. Then, in a move unexpected by most (but not all) UFC fighters, Bob leapt into Dan's lap, delivering a motorboat of pain into Jundt's head. Tomaszewski took a 29-25 lead. And, in an equally improbable move, Jundt reached behind his chair, and in one motion, dumped his chair to the ground, elevating Bob in mid air, grabbed both of Bob's legs and put him in a reverse wheel barrow carry before driving both bodies into the ground.
30-29.
Only one man was able to get up.
But who?
Improbably, it was #8 Dan "PEBKAC" Jundt. He advances to meet the winner of today's first matchup (Garbe vs Farrar) on 9/6...
Up today, Double Dose Monday:
Appetizer: #13 Bill "WoW" Garbe vs. #5 Ryan "The Closer" Farrar
Main Dish: #3 Jeff "I see London, I see" France vs. #11Ted "Teddy Ballgamer" Sizemore
hit reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
and, no matter what you hear is cool, don't play with fire. it just ain't.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
A final 1st round matchup
Here we go...
How do you crush an ant?
Kate "Bleepin" Ranzini entered this morning in a foul mood. Well I'm not sure if it was her mood that was foul, but it certainly was her mouth. She cussed out the security guards for looking at her strangely (apparently she missed out on Seth's Googly Eyes write up - that's just how he is). She kicked in the downstairs door (note: your security codes will not work between 6 am and 6:30 am tomorrow as the door is repaired) Then, she picked up a whole bunch of stuff from Ted's office (not sure what she hides in there but rumors have it that it serves as a great offsite storage facility for her, and plopped them down, shot put style... into the running legs of Julie "Illegal" Antry, who was trying to run a series of reports for someone. Who knows who, but I'm told they were important.
Ranzini's pile drop took out Antry, giving her a commanding 6-0 lead. (not just for the take out but also for messing up the order of Antry's entries).
Antry tried to play nice, choosing to fight Ranzini at her own game - with her voice, calling her Kate Ran Weeny (props to Elrod for that nickname). This clever comeback narrowed the score to 6-3. But RanMeany went to work...
And by work, I mean she began to attack Antry with a series of apparel mannequins, all attacking from different angles, none with heads, all with strange positions, and all very difficult to set up. This was crazy. I've not seen so many mannequins attack since I witnessed Dan Cullinane setting some up at a Sales Meeting years ago... The attack of the mannequins ran the score up to a surprising 19-3 lead.
Then, Antry got wise. She attacked Ranzini by first shredding the lead blocker mannequins and then by going at her with a lead kick that would make any Peg Leg proud. (well anyone but Ron) Stunned, Ranzini stepped back and then Antry came at her again, putting her into what is known in product lingo as a M2 Margin Hold. And, trust me on this, good luck getting out of this hold when Antry clamps down. And good luck finding anyone else who understands what this hold is, let alone how to get out of it. I can't describe it. All I can say is it's painful and permanent. Or so it felt. The gap narrowed to 19-14 on a 11-0 Antry run.
But then, somehow, Ranzini escaped. All I can attest it to is some sort of system glitch. I'm not sure, but Ranzini escaped to fight again, winning this one 22-14.
She advances to the 2nd round to meet: Suzyn Rae "Agent Orange" Siebert.
And, with this beating, the first round is complete.
Up Next: A UFC off date.
Next Matchup: FRIDAY 8/17: Chicago Regional 2nd Round
#1 Bob "Windy City Shocker" Tomaszewski vs. #9 Dan "PEBKAM" Jundt
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com OR REPLY to this...
And, do the cool thing. Don't play with a fire. They should be put out. Geez.
How do you crush an ant?
Kate "Bleepin" Ranzini entered this morning in a foul mood. Well I'm not sure if it was her mood that was foul, but it certainly was her mouth. She cussed out the security guards for looking at her strangely (apparently she missed out on Seth's Googly Eyes write up - that's just how he is). She kicked in the downstairs door (note: your security codes will not work between 6 am and 6:30 am tomorrow as the door is repaired) Then, she picked up a whole bunch of stuff from Ted's office (not sure what she hides in there but rumors have it that it serves as a great offsite storage facility for her, and plopped them down, shot put style... into the running legs of Julie "Illegal" Antry, who was trying to run a series of reports for someone. Who knows who, but I'm told they were important.
Ranzini's pile drop took out Antry, giving her a commanding 6-0 lead. (not just for the take out but also for messing up the order of Antry's entries).
Antry tried to play nice, choosing to fight Ranzini at her own game - with her voice, calling her Kate Ran Weeny (props to Elrod for that nickname). This clever comeback narrowed the score to 6-3. But RanMeany went to work...
And by work, I mean she began to attack Antry with a series of apparel mannequins, all attacking from different angles, none with heads, all with strange positions, and all very difficult to set up. This was crazy. I've not seen so many mannequins attack since I witnessed Dan Cullinane setting some up at a Sales Meeting years ago... The attack of the mannequins ran the score up to a surprising 19-3 lead.
Then, Antry got wise. She attacked Ranzini by first shredding the lead blocker mannequins and then by going at her with a lead kick that would make any Peg Leg proud. (well anyone but Ron) Stunned, Ranzini stepped back and then Antry came at her again, putting her into what is known in product lingo as a M2 Margin Hold. And, trust me on this, good luck getting out of this hold when Antry clamps down. And good luck finding anyone else who understands what this hold is, let alone how to get out of it. I can't describe it. All I can say is it's painful and permanent. Or so it felt. The gap narrowed to 19-14 on a 11-0 Antry run.
But then, somehow, Ranzini escaped. All I can attest it to is some sort of system glitch. I'm not sure, but Ranzini escaped to fight again, winning this one 22-14.
She advances to the 2nd round to meet: Suzyn Rae "Agent Orange" Siebert.
And, with this beating, the first round is complete.
Up Next: A UFC off date.
Next Matchup: FRIDAY 8/17: Chicago Regional 2nd Round
#1 Bob "Windy City Shocker" Tomaszewski vs. #9 Dan "PEBKAM" Jundt
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com OR REPLY to this...
And, do the cool thing. Don't play with a fire. They should be put out. Geez.
Home Remodeling day for the UFC
Suzyn Rae "Agent Orange" Siebert sat in her third floor cubicle armed and ready. She had completed a much-needed school supplies drive (or at least initiated one) perfectly synched with her bout. She planned a speech to the Rawlings employee base a mere two weeks ago, and was sure to flex several times while giving it. She hadn't really given much thought to the UFC, let alone that her first bout was today.
Just then, a loud PING came from her computer. (Side note, just like those in R&D or Bat Testing might know that their bat has a slightly different ping or thud with each bat/ball connection, each IT person recognizes their computers unique pitch to the ping.... and that sound was Suzyn's!)
With the courage of Bat Man answering the Bat Call, Suzyn logged into check out the problem. The subject line read simply: "PAIN" Who had sent this?
lliverar@rawlings.com? That's weird thought Suzyn, still cheerful at this early hour. She then read the message:
"Need my face realigned. And pronto." was all it said.
Was that really from Liz? Or was it from an IT co-conspirator (my money's on Mike Imel) egging her on, encouraging her, reminding her of her battle call? You see, as we learned in Dan "PEBKAM" Jundt, the IT factor is very powerful.
Suzyn sprung to action, stopping by her car to pick up the necessary remodeling tools she had borrowed from her husband....
Meanwhile, Liz was calmly entering the building (no, she hadn't logged onto email yet) when she was greeted at the door by an unhealthy but sturdy 2 x 4. Wow. As Suzyn continued to unpack a crazy amount of building supplies, demoing each product on the gentle Liverar (yes, each 2 x 4 has a different sounding thud too), Siebert built an early 10-3 lead.
That's when Liverar escaped. She's pretty quick, for those of you who didn't see her in the Race for the Cure. And she can escape a cubicle or a camel clutch hold without making a sound. This escape tightened the gap, to 10-4.
Liverar went back to her computer and had some work of her own to do. She printed 15 of those special order glove forms out onto the color printer. But she chose legal size paper and quickly inserted in thick cardstock letter size into the printer. Within seconds, Liverar had created the IT person's worst nightmare... The urgent paper jam.
Downstairs erupted in chaos. Support tickets came in like entries into the Glove of Gold Raffle. Rich Truex's phone line lit up faster than Kelli's at the front desk. Presentations were going on and no one could print. Madness hit the first floor. And Siebert could not even react when Liverar delivered a tomahawk chop to her head. She could do nothing but take the smacks and work on the jam. Liverar tied the matchup at 11 and then took a 12-11 lead.
But, then, something crazy happened. What first looked like a copier technician arrived to handle the chaos. But, no, it wasn't a technician. It was Dennis "re" Turner coming to solve the problem. He stared angrily at the copier. It sensed danger and began to work. I love technology.
And that left Siebert free to finish the job. She put Liverar in a Wooly Mammoth takedown move - awkward and uncomfortable in this heat, trust me. And once she was down, Siebert quickly maneuvered Liverars body into the hated Figure 4 hold. Liz lay motionless, struggling, and then gradually growing sleepy.
Liverar sat back at her desk, heard a ping and saw the email: Your support ticket has been closed.
Siebert advances to meet today's winner: #2 Kate "Bleepin' Ranzini" versus #15 Julie "Aunt Ant" Antry. Hit REPLY to vote or email your vote to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
And, pretty please. Don't play with fire. Unless you're licensed.
As a side note, the Rawlings MIS group has advanced out of the first round with a perfect 2-0 record, clearly making their case as the group that is under-represented in the UFC field. Let's see how they do in round 2!
Just then, a loud PING came from her computer. (Side note, just like those in R&D or Bat Testing might know that their bat has a slightly different ping or thud with each bat/ball connection, each IT person recognizes their computers unique pitch to the ping.... and that sound was Suzyn's!)
With the courage of Bat Man answering the Bat Call, Suzyn logged into check out the problem. The subject line read simply: "PAIN" Who had sent this?
lliverar@rawlings.com? That's weird thought Suzyn, still cheerful at this early hour. She then read the message:
"Need my face realigned. And pronto." was all it said.
Was that really from Liz? Or was it from an IT co-conspirator (my money's on Mike Imel) egging her on, encouraging her, reminding her of her battle call? You see, as we learned in Dan "PEBKAM" Jundt, the IT factor is very powerful.
Suzyn sprung to action, stopping by her car to pick up the necessary remodeling tools she had borrowed from her husband....
Meanwhile, Liz was calmly entering the building (no, she hadn't logged onto email yet) when she was greeted at the door by an unhealthy but sturdy 2 x 4. Wow. As Suzyn continued to unpack a crazy amount of building supplies, demoing each product on the gentle Liverar (yes, each 2 x 4 has a different sounding thud too), Siebert built an early 10-3 lead.
That's when Liverar escaped. She's pretty quick, for those of you who didn't see her in the Race for the Cure. And she can escape a cubicle or a camel clutch hold without making a sound. This escape tightened the gap, to 10-4.
Liverar went back to her computer and had some work of her own to do. She printed 15 of those special order glove forms out onto the color printer. But she chose legal size paper and quickly inserted in thick cardstock letter size into the printer. Within seconds, Liverar had created the IT person's worst nightmare... The urgent paper jam.
Downstairs erupted in chaos. Support tickets came in like entries into the Glove of Gold Raffle. Rich Truex's phone line lit up faster than Kelli's at the front desk. Presentations were going on and no one could print. Madness hit the first floor. And Siebert could not even react when Liverar delivered a tomahawk chop to her head. She could do nothing but take the smacks and work on the jam. Liverar tied the matchup at 11 and then took a 12-11 lead.
But, then, something crazy happened. What first looked like a copier technician arrived to handle the chaos. But, no, it wasn't a technician. It was Dennis "re" Turner coming to solve the problem. He stared angrily at the copier. It sensed danger and began to work. I love technology.
And that left Siebert free to finish the job. She put Liverar in a Wooly Mammoth takedown move - awkward and uncomfortable in this heat, trust me. And once she was down, Siebert quickly maneuvered Liverars body into the hated Figure 4 hold. Liz lay motionless, struggling, and then gradually growing sleepy.
Liverar sat back at her desk, heard a ping and saw the email: Your support ticket has been closed.
Siebert advances to meet today's winner: #2 Kate "Bleepin' Ranzini" versus #15 Julie "Aunt Ant" Antry. Hit REPLY to vote or email your vote to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
And, pretty please. Don't play with fire. Unless you're licensed.
As a side note, the Rawlings MIS group has advanced out of the first round with a perfect 2-0 record, clearly making their case as the group that is under-represented in the UFC field. Let's see how they do in round 2!
Monday, August 13, 2007
an explosive graphics leather battle
Williams looked at the form next to McCartney's man pipes. This form looked like an art request, but what were those questions? And how does the graphics team create these things that look real, so real you have no choice but to go along. But is it really real? G -Will examined the form.
Question 1: Name (of victim) Is that my name? Williams asked (silently). McCartney nodded, as if to say, yes that's you. And yes, I can read your thoughts. And no, don't go there. Williams had no choice but to print his name on the form. He did make it messy though.
Question 2: What Format would you like this (pain) in? Williams began to sweat. He wasn't about to write his own demise, was he? He had to circle one -- but what did they mean? It looked like crazy extensions to him. He chose the third one, that had to be right. He knew it wasn't the first one (.sbd) or the second one (.gun). So he chose the safer one (.fod)
Question 3: How soon should you receive this (pain)? Sweat continued to pour.
Question 4: See back.
Williams turned the paper over and it was blank. What did this mean? Then, it hit him. And by "it", I mean the full fisted fury of Jason McCartney. And, yes in the back. As in his own back. Williams flew across the graphics area and looked up at what had become a sudden and powerful 16-3 gap upon receiving what he had asked for, the Fist of Death.
Williams whimpered back to the leather section of the company and planned his attack. He came at the unsuspecting McCartney quickly, enveloping him in a large shroud of leather. He quickly stitched up the sides, locking McCartney inside in this burrito like attack. The momentary confusion narrowed the gap a bit. To 16-8. But then he learned a little known secret. McCartney can actually fully recharge after devouring a burrito. Any kind, any size. And he had forgotten one other thing about McCartney... the man was writing glove patents while Greg was still in school. McCartney utilized this leather expertise to devour just the right parts, quickly escape and hoist G-Will up in the air, depositing him back into Bob Clevenhagen's waiting arms. (He was late for his Washington shift)
This baby was over. McCartney wins 23-9, advancing to meet Adam Shupe"rstar" in the next round.
Up next: #7 Suzyn Rae "Agent Orange" Siebert versus #10 Liz "Liver Cutter Outer" Liverar "
Hit reply or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
Do the cool thing, don't put your glove in a microwave. It might catch on fire and then you couldn't play with it.
Question 1: Name (of victim) Is that my name? Williams asked (silently). McCartney nodded, as if to say, yes that's you. And yes, I can read your thoughts. And no, don't go there. Williams had no choice but to print his name on the form. He did make it messy though.
Question 2: What Format would you like this (pain) in? Williams began to sweat. He wasn't about to write his own demise, was he? He had to circle one -- but what did they mean? It looked like crazy extensions to him. He chose the third one, that had to be right. He knew it wasn't the first one (.sbd) or the second one (.gun). So he chose the safer one (.fod)
Question 3: How soon should you receive this (pain)? Sweat continued to pour.
Question 4: See back.
Williams turned the paper over and it was blank. What did this mean? Then, it hit him. And by "it", I mean the full fisted fury of Jason McCartney. And, yes in the back. As in his own back. Williams flew across the graphics area and looked up at what had become a sudden and powerful 16-3 gap upon receiving what he had asked for, the Fist of Death.
Williams whimpered back to the leather section of the company and planned his attack. He came at the unsuspecting McCartney quickly, enveloping him in a large shroud of leather. He quickly stitched up the sides, locking McCartney inside in this burrito like attack. The momentary confusion narrowed the gap a bit. To 16-8. But then he learned a little known secret. McCartney can actually fully recharge after devouring a burrito. Any kind, any size. And he had forgotten one other thing about McCartney... the man was writing glove patents while Greg was still in school. McCartney utilized this leather expertise to devour just the right parts, quickly escape and hoist G-Will up in the air, depositing him back into Bob Clevenhagen's waiting arms. (He was late for his Washington shift)
This baby was over. McCartney wins 23-9, advancing to meet Adam Shupe"rstar" in the next round.
Up next: #7 Suzyn Rae "Agent Orange" Siebert versus #10 Liz "Liver Cutter Outer" Liverar "
Hit reply or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
Do the cool thing, don't put your glove in a microwave. It might catch on fire and then you couldn't play with it.
a playground battle
If silence combined with astute analytical skills could truly kill, these two warriors (Adam Shupe "rstar" and Biju "Cricket Superstar" Mathew) would be top UFC seeds. But unfortunately for the UFC, this was a battle best served for a playground. In fact, that's exactly where these two agreed to meet, in that one playground just east of our office. Yes, that one...
Mathew went to work first, holding his arm (or as Shupe would soon call it, his conceiled weapon of destruction) in a sling constructed from the finest composite weaves. As Shupe greeted him, he went to take a closer look at Biju's injured arm. But, no, it wasn't really injured and in fact that wasn't even an arm. It was a wicket! Biju unleashed both of his arms (along with his wicket) into a combined three prong or Fork Attack that gave him an early 3-0 lead. The lead expanded to 4-0 as Shupe was forced to ponder the amazing limberness of Mathew. Just where did that arm go?
Shupe knew he would have to retaliate. First, he got his muscles primed by doing the monkey bars. Slowly. Ending with a dismount that toppled Biju into the ground in a heap of pain. As Mathew riled around in shock and pain, Shupe took a break to eat a sandwich. The matchup was tied at 4, then with the Sandwich Shupe expanded his lead to 10-4, the lead was unfortunately recalculated to 8-6 when reports came in that the sandwich was actually made for him by his mother. But it was tasty and left Adam hungry to finish the job.
Adam went back to work, picking up Mathew in a careless but effective Wedgie lift, depositing him onto the Merry Go Round. But it wasn't so Merry. As Shupe spun the wheel faster and faster with one arm, he kept the second arm free for slapping - this created a crazy flap and whirl sound that has haunted many of Shupe's past victims, almost like the sound a vacuum makes when it picks up something just a little too big for its system. This lead began to get crazier, expanding to 20-6 at one point.
Then, suddenly, Shuperstar was attacked in a way almost too predictable for a UFC matchup. Biju grabbed Shupe's musclebound arm with two hands and began to twist, each arm in opposite directions. The move, known to the kids as an Indian Burn caused Adam's arms to tingle in an uncomfortable way. Biju cut the gap (and Shupe's arm) The score narrowed to 20-10.
But Shupe had enough. He got into his defensive stance that earned him the nickname "Bulldog" on the basketball courts and began to face-guard Mathew in an uncomfortably close but totally legal defensive maneuver. Mathew was smothered. He couldn't move. He had no choice. He had to retreat. This one was over, 22-10.
Shupe advances to meet the winner of our second Monday double dose matchup...
Make a Right turn Where?
There's always a #12 seed who beats a #5 seed, right? Well, we've already had one with Lindsey "MVP74" Naber outsting Brian Scheele "s apparently not in session". Could there be another?
This was a battle that had been brewing hotter than the coffee Mark "Leave me" Malone picks up each day on his way to work. You see, Starbucks offers you a discount (reportedly 10 cents) if you are willing to bring in your own cup to get refilled. Using some simple financial modeling, Mark could pay for a fancy coffee mug and then some in 36 hours, 12 minutes. Plus he can cause less waste. Maya, like several others on the Rawlings Green Team, was fully aware of this. She waited for Mark from the hole in the ventilation shaft above the water fountains in the hidden hallway Friday afternoon.
Meanwhile, Mark was now walking on his way to the office, steamy coffee in hand, muttering something about tracking ebitda ytd. he texted this to General Lee Lummus (something like omg, check out our ebitda ytd. lol!") as he smirked and took a quiet sip of his beverage. Maya repelled ever so quietly from the ceiling like a spider, or like Tom Cruise from Mission Impossible. Then, in one swooping motion, she leapt, extending her legs into malone's upper torso, grabbing the coffee with one hand and a handful of malone's hair with the other. She led 2-0 for the surprise, 4-0 for the hair, and 8-0 for the coffee theft.
Maya then began to give the first part in her wellness series of lectures. Mark sat attentively/glass eyed as she demonstrated the first steps. I'm not sure about technique, but Maya apparently learned about "wellness" in the streets. Unless the REAL first step to your well-being is to sit silently while your ears are tugged like the arms on an elliptical trainer.) Then Maya got her legs going, slowly walking up Mark to the tune of a 14-0 morning wake up call - and no, it wasn't a tough walk for Maya - the incline level wasn't nearly tough enough for her.
Mark stood, straightening up in his best intimidation pose. (cutting the gap to 14-2 then 14-3 when he added a scowl). But Maya was ready for this. She delivered a punishing repertoire of 100% natural ingredients - good old fashioned pain, not synthetic pain. The real deal. And this was delivered quickly and painfully in precise doses. Maya didn't waste any effort. She saw Mark gimpily standing there, waiting for this to be over. She grabbed Mark and carried him over her shoulders to the copier. She inserted his head under the lid, smashed the lid down a couple of times for good measure and then made one copy. Mark saw a bright shining light pass by his eyes and it was over.
Maya had finished the job. Standing there victorious, to the tune of a 34-3 drubbing of Malone. She left to tally this on an excel spreadsheet task list. (This one was marked simply "Completed.") She advances to a well anticipated UFC matchup against Logan "Halls of" Justice. That one is sure to be ruthless.
Up next: Double Dose Monday
First course: #3 Jason "Explosive Graphic Content" McCartney vs. #14 Greg "Whole Pain Leather" Williams
Second helping: #6 Adam Shupe"rstar" vs. #11 Biju "Cricket Superstar" Mathew in the battle of broken elbow.
This was a battle that had been brewing hotter than the coffee Mark "Leave me" Malone picks up each day on his way to work. You see, Starbucks offers you a discount (reportedly 10 cents) if you are willing to bring in your own cup to get refilled. Using some simple financial modeling, Mark could pay for a fancy coffee mug and then some in 36 hours, 12 minutes. Plus he can cause less waste. Maya, like several others on the Rawlings Green Team, was fully aware of this. She waited for Mark from the hole in the ventilation shaft above the water fountains in the hidden hallway Friday afternoon.
Meanwhile, Mark was now walking on his way to the office, steamy coffee in hand, muttering something about tracking ebitda ytd. he texted this to General Lee Lummus (something like omg, check out our ebitda ytd. lol!") as he smirked and took a quiet sip of his beverage. Maya repelled ever so quietly from the ceiling like a spider, or like Tom Cruise from Mission Impossible. Then, in one swooping motion, she leapt, extending her legs into malone's upper torso, grabbing the coffee with one hand and a handful of malone's hair with the other. She led 2-0 for the surprise, 4-0 for the hair, and 8-0 for the coffee theft.
Maya then began to give the first part in her wellness series of lectures. Mark sat attentively/glass eyed as she demonstrated the first steps. I'm not sure about technique, but Maya apparently learned about "wellness" in the streets. Unless the REAL first step to your well-being is to sit silently while your ears are tugged like the arms on an elliptical trainer.) Then Maya got her legs going, slowly walking up Mark to the tune of a 14-0 morning wake up call - and no, it wasn't a tough walk for Maya - the incline level wasn't nearly tough enough for her.
Mark stood, straightening up in his best intimidation pose. (cutting the gap to 14-2 then 14-3 when he added a scowl). But Maya was ready for this. She delivered a punishing repertoire of 100% natural ingredients - good old fashioned pain, not synthetic pain. The real deal. And this was delivered quickly and painfully in precise doses. Maya didn't waste any effort. She saw Mark gimpily standing there, waiting for this to be over. She grabbed Mark and carried him over her shoulders to the copier. She inserted his head under the lid, smashed the lid down a couple of times for good measure and then made one copy. Mark saw a bright shining light pass by his eyes and it was over.
Maya had finished the job. Standing there victorious, to the tune of a 34-3 drubbing of Malone. She left to tally this on an excel spreadsheet task list. (This one was marked simply "Completed.") She advances to a well anticipated UFC matchup against Logan "Halls of" Justice. That one is sure to be ruthless.
Up next: Double Dose Monday
First course: #3 Jason "Explosive Graphic Content" McCartney vs. #14 Greg "Whole Pain Leather" Williams
Second helping: #6 Adam Shupe"rstar" vs. #11 Biju "Cricket Superstar" Mathew in the battle of broken elbow.
Where's Logan? Probably in a Phone Book somewhere
In the Northwest corner: #4 Logan Justice (No nickname needed)
In the Southeast corner: #13 Ben "Spreadsheet Wiz Kid" Schoen
Thumbs up, lets do this.
More super than a super value meal, more super than Barney singing, "Super-de-duper," more super than a male interior decorator saying, "Sssuper" is Super Logan Justice. I mean really, just try and say her name out loud with out being intimidated (you cant). The Spreadsheet Wiz Kid sure sounds like a superhero name, but though he is a handsome and talented individual, Ben may not have super powers…or does he?
When the match started, Logan earned a point for using her X-Ray vision to see what cartoon underwear Ben was wearing. Ben earned a point for not wearing any. (Note: only in the Rawlings UFC can you earn a point for not wearing undergarments. Keep that in mind for the coming rounds folks.) Super Logan Justice then went on a spree of scoring by using her powers to reverse time, change all the street signs between Ben's house and work, and then waiting for Ben arrive…..late because he couldn't find his way. Score: Logan Justice 5, Wiz Kid 1
Ben has his own special powers though. Quicker than Tim Lord to a West Virginia Honky-tonk, Ben organized a spreadsheet of numbers to confuse Logan. The move was cleaver and quick, but it only earned him 2 points because Logan wasn't that confused. Justice 5, Da' Kid (as they call him on the streets) 3.
Now just think about this. What if Logan Justice's persona is simply her alias at work and she is actually more super once leaving the office. Is that even possible? She would have an even cooler, stronger name once she left? Wow, amazing. Logan earns 3 points for the crowd rumors of this.
At this point in the match Ben decided that he better resort to some old tactics that he has known for years. This is a talent you're born with, not one you can learn. He decided to deliver a pizza: Medium, hand-tossed, sausage, mushrooms, and extra pain. He was even there in less than 30 minutes which lead Logan to tip him giving him a couple points. Nice move. After Logan tipped him, Ben delivered the pain. He pushed the pizza in her face (a move he's been dreaming of) that he thought would surely be the end of Justice…too bad Logan was hungry. She swallowed the pizza in one bite (and didn't gain a pound) because that's what super heroes can do. Score: 5-13 with Justice ahead.
They went back and forth with Justice using super powers, Schoen using other tactics (I don't even know how to describe them….but you'd know them if you saw it). The score's now 11-19 with Logan still on top. Could Ben's final moves be enough to pull this fight out? He has the experience, the know-how, the glasses….
The only move Ben still had in his back pocket was to call an old friend of his from the old country (the pro dept.). The Wiz-Kid (does he put more of the wiz or kid in his nickname?) called up Teddy Sizemore for some advice. Now Teddy has been giving Ben advice for years and some of which Ben even pretended to be listening to, so together they developed a plan to take down the one with Super Powers. They would tell Logan that Mr. Ted Sizemore wants to meet her!! She would be star-struck and not be able to move and that would give Ben the chance to pounce on her!! Brilliant!!
Logan came down to Ted's office and stood in the doorway. Ben saw this as his chance to jump, so he did, and got her in a quick headlock. Unfortunately Logan quickly escaped. What went wrong? This was the perfect plan? Well, it seems Logan had no idea who Ted was…..she later confessed that she actually confused him with Sherman from downstairs….a mix-up that worked in her favor. She then killed Ben for trying such a move. The end. Logan wins 20-13 over the lower ranked opponent. Silly Ben trying to fight a superhero. Idiot.
Today's Match-up:
5th Ranked Mark "Leave Me" Malone vs. 12th Ranked Maya "Take a Right on" Bradstreet.
Reply to this email or send your vote to rawlingsufc@gmail.com
Remember: If you're playing with fire drink Kool-Aid so you don't get dehydrated.
Good luck,
-Seth (because Andy's out…I also wrote yesterday's so please send all complaints to me)
In the Southeast corner: #13 Ben "Spreadsheet Wiz Kid" Schoen
Thumbs up, lets do this.
More super than a super value meal, more super than Barney singing, "Super-de-duper," more super than a male interior decorator saying, "Sssuper" is Super Logan Justice. I mean really, just try and say her name out loud with out being intimidated (you cant). The Spreadsheet Wiz Kid sure sounds like a superhero name, but though he is a handsome and talented individual, Ben may not have super powers…or does he?
When the match started, Logan earned a point for using her X-Ray vision to see what cartoon underwear Ben was wearing. Ben earned a point for not wearing any. (Note: only in the Rawlings UFC can you earn a point for not wearing undergarments. Keep that in mind for the coming rounds folks.) Super Logan Justice then went on a spree of scoring by using her powers to reverse time, change all the street signs between Ben's house and work, and then waiting for Ben arrive…..late because he couldn't find his way. Score: Logan Justice 5, Wiz Kid 1
Ben has his own special powers though. Quicker than Tim Lord to a West Virginia Honky-tonk, Ben organized a spreadsheet of numbers to confuse Logan. The move was cleaver and quick, but it only earned him 2 points because Logan wasn't that confused. Justice 5, Da' Kid (as they call him on the streets) 3.
Now just think about this. What if Logan Justice's persona is simply her alias at work and she is actually more super once leaving the office. Is that even possible? She would have an even cooler, stronger name once she left? Wow, amazing. Logan earns 3 points for the crowd rumors of this.
At this point in the match Ben decided that he better resort to some old tactics that he has known for years. This is a talent you're born with, not one you can learn. He decided to deliver a pizza: Medium, hand-tossed, sausage, mushrooms, and extra pain. He was even there in less than 30 minutes which lead Logan to tip him giving him a couple points. Nice move. After Logan tipped him, Ben delivered the pain. He pushed the pizza in her face (a move he's been dreaming of) that he thought would surely be the end of Justice…too bad Logan was hungry. She swallowed the pizza in one bite (and didn't gain a pound) because that's what super heroes can do. Score: 5-13 with Justice ahead.
They went back and forth with Justice using super powers, Schoen using other tactics (I don't even know how to describe them….but you'd know them if you saw it). The score's now 11-19 with Logan still on top. Could Ben's final moves be enough to pull this fight out? He has the experience, the know-how, the glasses….
The only move Ben still had in his back pocket was to call an old friend of his from the old country (the pro dept.). The Wiz-Kid (does he put more of the wiz or kid in his nickname?) called up Teddy Sizemore for some advice. Now Teddy has been giving Ben advice for years and some of which Ben even pretended to be listening to, so together they developed a plan to take down the one with Super Powers. They would tell Logan that Mr. Ted Sizemore wants to meet her!! She would be star-struck and not be able to move and that would give Ben the chance to pounce on her!! Brilliant!!
Logan came down to Ted's office and stood in the doorway. Ben saw this as his chance to jump, so he did, and got her in a quick headlock. Unfortunately Logan quickly escaped. What went wrong? This was the perfect plan? Well, it seems Logan had no idea who Ted was…..she later confessed that she actually confused him with Sherman from downstairs….a mix-up that worked in her favor. She then killed Ben for trying such a move. The end. Logan wins 20-13 over the lower ranked opponent. Silly Ben trying to fight a superhero. Idiot.
Today's Match-up:
5th Ranked Mark "Leave Me" Malone vs. 12th Ranked Maya "Take a Right on" Bradstreet.
Reply to this email or send your vote to rawlingsufc@gmail.com
Remember: If you're playing with fire drink Kool-Aid so you don't get dehydrated.
Good luck,
-Seth (because Andy's out…I also wrote yesterday's so please send all complaints to me)
Art vs Howell (and a junky) in an old school fight
You know what day it is…..and yes, you should be biting your fingernails during this fight. Art Chou "D2" vs. Matt "Number Puncher" Howell was a great fight; let me tell you all about this #8 - #9 matchup.
These two fighters were so excited to rumble that they met each other at exactly one second after midnight knowing that it would take a while and they needed to be at work on time. (No time to waste on fighting with budget / buy-out season and bats to be made). The fighters weighed in (Art at 103 lbs. Matt at 235 lbs…then he set down the stack of spreadsheets and discovered he was about a buck-50) and made their way to some street in downtown St. Louis under a street light because "that's how we do it" according to Howell. One wearing blue, the other red of course.
"DING!!" (starting noise by some junky on the corner) and it was on. The first to pull out the brass knuckles was D2 and he jacked the Number Puncher (more like Number Punchee) in the grill. Unfortunately for Art he doesn't understand that grill is slang for mouth and actually punched Matt's hot BBQ pit that he brought with him. Score tied at 1 all. The two went back and forth with hair pulling for about 20 minutes and got the score to 5-3 with Art leading the way…..because he shaves his. The junky was then quoted as saying, "Lets grill some pork chops on that (curse word)."
This next move has never been seen in the Rawlings UFC. The Number Puncher pulled out a calculator and started typing away on it. Art thought for sure that he was going to show him some budget info and started to relax because budgets don't effect R&D(&E?….did they make that up themselves??). The joke was on Art though. Matt was awarded 4 straight points for making upside-down inappropriate words (use your imagination) on the calculator and showing them to Art (and the rest of the gang-bangers busy slingin' on the corner). Very impressive move. Score: 5-7 with Matty ahead.
Lucky for Art, he had a backup plan called the B.A.B.E/Babe/Babe Plan (or Babe to the third power) which consisted of the hitting machine B.A.B.E . (aka the electronic version of Chad…whatever his last name is….I haven't met him yet), the pig from the book/movies, and some hottie he found downtown. Most likely an R&D(&E?) groupie. The girl was for distraction tactics, the machine for hitting Howell, and the pig was there for Art to say, "That'll do pig" b/c he always wanted to say that. Score: 9-11 with Howell on top…of the score board.
Well, Matt roasted the pig, confused the hottie with a math problem, and pulled the plug on B.A.B.E., and earned some street cred' by knifing Art (he brought a switch-blade) giving him 5 easy points with a score of 9-16. The junky was quoted at this point in the battle saying, "I didn't make my bed this morning…b/c I don't have a bed" and then laughed with no teeth….everyone pretended he wasn't there.
Art knew he was in trouble, but got back up and looked Howell right in the neck (Howell's got a couple inches on him), pushed his finger into Howell's chest, gave a mean look, and said, "Ouch." Weak comeback I know.
Quicker than the Grapic's Dept. to free food, Art gave Matt a leg sweep, noogie, slap in the face, bit off a toe (his little one..he doesn't really need it, but it was Matt's favorite), broke his nose with a pipe, and did a quick kidney transplant surgery on the junky with Matt's organ giving Art 6 quick points and a close score of 15-16….but could Art pull it out? (Oh, the junky was quoted here saying, "I drank for 50 years to get my kidney to look like that…can I keep it?")
Matt knew he couldn't take this lying down, it was budget season and crazy demands were coming in from the "Lily-pad" (as Matt calls him). Matt was needed at the office. He gave the junky $3 to finish off Art for him so that the junky could by crack. No problem for Matt who had hidden the money in a budget somewhere for purposes such as this. Matt wins 18-15 over higher ranked Chou. The junky also won, quoted as saying, "This is some good (curse word) crack."
Next up: #4 Logan Justice (no nickname needed) vs. #13 Ben "Forecast calls for Pain" Schoen (pronounced "ShAne" somehow?)
Reply to this email or send your votes to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
And remember, as the junky always says, "don't play with fire unless it really (curse word) cool outside."
These two fighters were so excited to rumble that they met each other at exactly one second after midnight knowing that it would take a while and they needed to be at work on time. (No time to waste on fighting with budget / buy-out season and bats to be made). The fighters weighed in (Art at 103 lbs. Matt at 235 lbs…then he set down the stack of spreadsheets and discovered he was about a buck-50) and made their way to some street in downtown St. Louis under a street light because "that's how we do it" according to Howell. One wearing blue, the other red of course.
"DING!!" (starting noise by some junky on the corner) and it was on. The first to pull out the brass knuckles was D2 and he jacked the Number Puncher (more like Number Punchee) in the grill. Unfortunately for Art he doesn't understand that grill is slang for mouth and actually punched Matt's hot BBQ pit that he brought with him. Score tied at 1 all. The two went back and forth with hair pulling for about 20 minutes and got the score to 5-3 with Art leading the way…..because he shaves his. The junky was then quoted as saying, "Lets grill some pork chops on that (curse word)."
This next move has never been seen in the Rawlings UFC. The Number Puncher pulled out a calculator and started typing away on it. Art thought for sure that he was going to show him some budget info and started to relax because budgets don't effect R&D(&E?….did they make that up themselves??). The joke was on Art though. Matt was awarded 4 straight points for making upside-down inappropriate words (use your imagination) on the calculator and showing them to Art (and the rest of the gang-bangers busy slingin' on the corner). Very impressive move. Score: 5-7 with Matty ahead.
Lucky for Art, he had a backup plan called the B.A.B.E/Babe/Babe Plan (or Babe to the third power) which consisted of the hitting machine B.A.B.E . (aka the electronic version of Chad…whatever his last name is….I haven't met him yet), the pig from the book/movies, and some hottie he found downtown. Most likely an R&D(&E?) groupie. The girl was for distraction tactics, the machine for hitting Howell, and the pig was there for Art to say, "That'll do pig" b/c he always wanted to say that. Score: 9-11 with Howell on top…of the score board.
Well, Matt roasted the pig, confused the hottie with a math problem, and pulled the plug on B.A.B.E., and earned some street cred' by knifing Art (he brought a switch-blade) giving him 5 easy points with a score of 9-16. The junky was quoted at this point in the battle saying, "I didn't make my bed this morning…b/c I don't have a bed" and then laughed with no teeth….everyone pretended he wasn't there.
Art knew he was in trouble, but got back up and looked Howell right in the neck (Howell's got a couple inches on him), pushed his finger into Howell's chest, gave a mean look, and said, "Ouch." Weak comeback I know.
Quicker than the Grapic's Dept. to free food, Art gave Matt a leg sweep, noogie, slap in the face, bit off a toe (his little one..he doesn't really need it, but it was Matt's favorite), broke his nose with a pipe, and did a quick kidney transplant surgery on the junky with Matt's organ giving Art 6 quick points and a close score of 15-16….but could Art pull it out? (Oh, the junky was quoted here saying, "I drank for 50 years to get my kidney to look like that…can I keep it?")
Matt knew he couldn't take this lying down, it was budget season and crazy demands were coming in from the "Lily-pad" (as Matt calls him). Matt was needed at the office. He gave the junky $3 to finish off Art for him so that the junky could by crack. No problem for Matt who had hidden the money in a budget somewhere for purposes such as this. Matt wins 18-15 over higher ranked Chou. The junky also won, quoted as saying, "This is some good (curse word) crack."
Next up: #4 Logan Justice (no nickname needed) vs. #13 Ben "Forecast calls for Pain" Schoen (pronounced "ShAne" somehow?)
Reply to this email or send your votes to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
And remember, as the junky always says, "don't play with fire unless it really (curse word) cool outside."
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
A Customer Service Extravaganza
Today was a day when Brucemania hit the mainstream. Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann arrived into work wearing his wetsuit. This would allow him to handle any attack he might receive, while maintaining a slippery feel that would keep his opposition (Bob "Sausage" Neauss) unable to get a firm grip.
And, in true Dickmann form, he was prepared and correct.
Neauss went in for the first strike, going for it all with an Indian Burn arm grab. Unfortunately for him, he slipped right out of this grip and right into a Dickmann Sandwich. For those of you who don't know about a Dickmann sandwich, it contains a layer of Bruce, whatever he can find to put in the next layer, another layer of Bruce, followed by several layers of condiments and roughage and sealed off by another layer of Bruce. In this case, that first layer became Neauss. Neauss was tangled in a mess and there was, let me tell you, no easy escape.
Dickmann devoured Neauss early on, getting him in close with the Sandwich, then delivering several in close moves that were likely painful but were out of earshot of the officials. (Similar to tactics Bruce employs on the basketball courts.) The only thing I can tell you is that some people (who don't know Bratwurst etiquette) like to take a sharp object and poke holes in the brat to let out the juice (or goodness) prior to cooking said brat. Bruce doesn't follow etiquette when he battles.
Dickmann led by a Voorhees-esque 15-1 tally before Neauss was able to escape. After escaping, he decided his best tactic was to use his quickness to his advantage. (Yes, it was to his advantage, which says a lot for both athletes' speed in this battle) He also decided to use a fishing net to entangle Dickmann, frustrate him, and bring him in for "questioning". This worked fairly well, as it hooked in the larger Dickmann and allowed Neauss the opportunity to work him over pretty good as they say out in the tech center.
The gap tightened to 15-10. But that was as close as it'd get. Dickmann, now angry and tired broke through the net in a fury and delivered a leg sweep to Neauss, dropping him to the ground. He then jetissoned out of the wetsuit and piled on top of Neauss with one final move, known as simply the Hammer.
The Hammer does hurt. A lot.
Bruce "Bruce" wins this matchup 22-11.
He advances to meet the winner of our next battle:
#8 Art Chou "D2" vs. #9 Matt "Number Enforcer" Howell
Hit Reply to this email to vote. or email to rawlingsufc@gmail.com
good luck.
and don't play with fire. it'll be the last thing you play with.
And, in true Dickmann form, he was prepared and correct.
Neauss went in for the first strike, going for it all with an Indian Burn arm grab. Unfortunately for him, he slipped right out of this grip and right into a Dickmann Sandwich. For those of you who don't know about a Dickmann sandwich, it contains a layer of Bruce, whatever he can find to put in the next layer, another layer of Bruce, followed by several layers of condiments and roughage and sealed off by another layer of Bruce. In this case, that first layer became Neauss. Neauss was tangled in a mess and there was, let me tell you, no easy escape.
Dickmann devoured Neauss early on, getting him in close with the Sandwich, then delivering several in close moves that were likely painful but were out of earshot of the officials. (Similar to tactics Bruce employs on the basketball courts.) The only thing I can tell you is that some people (who don't know Bratwurst etiquette) like to take a sharp object and poke holes in the brat to let out the juice (or goodness) prior to cooking said brat. Bruce doesn't follow etiquette when he battles.
Dickmann led by a Voorhees-esque 15-1 tally before Neauss was able to escape. After escaping, he decided his best tactic was to use his quickness to his advantage. (Yes, it was to his advantage, which says a lot for both athletes' speed in this battle) He also decided to use a fishing net to entangle Dickmann, frustrate him, and bring him in for "questioning". This worked fairly well, as it hooked in the larger Dickmann and allowed Neauss the opportunity to work him over pretty good as they say out in the tech center.
The gap tightened to 15-10. But that was as close as it'd get. Dickmann, now angry and tired broke through the net in a fury and delivered a leg sweep to Neauss, dropping him to the ground. He then jetissoned out of the wetsuit and piled on top of Neauss with one final move, known as simply the Hammer.
The Hammer does hurt. A lot.
Bruce "Bruce" wins this matchup 22-11.
He advances to meet the winner of our next battle:
#8 Art Chou "D2" vs. #9 Matt "Number Enforcer" Howell
Hit Reply to this email to vote. or email to rawlingsufc@gmail.com
good luck.
and don't play with fire. it'll be the last thing you play with.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Double Dose Monday: Are you Bieg enough?
Dan "Big" Bieg was prepared. He wasn't about to have a repeat of last year's debacle, when then #1 seeded Bieg lost to #8 Wendy Mathis in the first round. He wanted to avoid the label of being our version of a KU - that high seed that couldn't get to the final 4 (or out of the first round)... But 2-seeds were winless so far this year, with Scott Keene losing to the unseeded Wes Lukash and Travis Gessley losing to the fireplug Jan Grundig. His opponent, Chuck Malloy, had been at Rawlings long enough to have his share of UFC matchups, years before we actually had an official tournament.
Malloy was a gamer, and worked the past 42 weekends (both days) just in preparation of today. He figured if he did his work through those 84 days AND didn't take one vacation day, he would be able to take time out for a little pummeling today. And, as he suited up in his battle fatigues today, he knew he had something up his tight sleeves for Bieg.
But Bieg was ready, coming in early to put his phone on do-not-disturb. He went to the front lobby to wait. As he saw Chuck coming towards the building, he thought it was time to give him a little hand into the building. With one swoop of his mighty arms, Bieg had Malloy first into a battering ram technique (necessary to open the door) and then into a fireman's carry (necessary to have fun with Malloy). Bieg deposited Malloy on the ground, in what is known as a Rolling Fireman's Carry Slam (or Finlay Roll). He essentially flung Malloy to the ground, power bombed on top of him, and then rolled completely over him to complete the move. The Verizon employees overlooking this scene would have given him a 9.2 for the move which is good because it is really tough to please those people, especially at this hour.
Malloy got up gingerly, seeing himself behind 12-3. He left the room. Was this over? Bieg began to exhale. But then, slowly, a cloud of fog began to fill up the lobby. Bieg didn't know what to think as he became engulfed in some odd combination of smoke and fog. He tried to rub his eyes. (Side note: Chuck had used this tactic once before, opening the 2003 sales meeting with it as he launched a bat or something. But that was long before Bieg's time. Remember this UFC folks, Chuck has forgotten more UFC moves and entrances than you have thought up) The fog dissipated briefly, with a windshield washer style smack to Bieg's face. Malloy then lifted Bieg into the air, yawned (this is rather easy work after all) and then lifted and tossed him in a Flap Jack move that left Bieg on the back. Chuck then circled round him, somehow landing behind him, displaying UFC quickness not normally seen in 15-seeds. As Dan rose, Malloy lifted him again, pulled him over his shoulders (in a Power Cling maneuver), and then with a lunge, both got in a little leg work and bounced Bieg from the competition with a final Back Breaker. (Unfortunalely for malloy, this move broke both Bieg's back and his own). The battle though was over.
Nuclear Power Plant Malloy wins 21-14, becoming the 2nd UFC 15-seed to advance, earning a date (a fight, not a date) with Mark "Cosmo" Kraemer in the Octagon on Thursday 8/30.
This concludes your Sturgis Regional first round.
Up now, the final region, Edwardsville or E-Ville.
Today:
#1 Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann vs. #16 Bob "Sausage" Neauss
Hit REPLY to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
And, no matter what the other kids are doing, do the cool thing. Don't play with fire.
Malloy was a gamer, and worked the past 42 weekends (both days) just in preparation of today. He figured if he did his work through those 84 days AND didn't take one vacation day, he would be able to take time out for a little pummeling today. And, as he suited up in his battle fatigues today, he knew he had something up his tight sleeves for Bieg.
But Bieg was ready, coming in early to put his phone on do-not-disturb. He went to the front lobby to wait. As he saw Chuck coming towards the building, he thought it was time to give him a little hand into the building. With one swoop of his mighty arms, Bieg had Malloy first into a battering ram technique (necessary to open the door) and then into a fireman's carry (necessary to have fun with Malloy). Bieg deposited Malloy on the ground, in what is known as a Rolling Fireman's Carry Slam (or Finlay Roll). He essentially flung Malloy to the ground, power bombed on top of him, and then rolled completely over him to complete the move. The Verizon employees overlooking this scene would have given him a 9.2 for the move which is good because it is really tough to please those people, especially at this hour.
Malloy got up gingerly, seeing himself behind 12-3. He left the room. Was this over? Bieg began to exhale. But then, slowly, a cloud of fog began to fill up the lobby. Bieg didn't know what to think as he became engulfed in some odd combination of smoke and fog. He tried to rub his eyes. (Side note: Chuck had used this tactic once before, opening the 2003 sales meeting with it as he launched a bat or something. But that was long before Bieg's time. Remember this UFC folks, Chuck has forgotten more UFC moves and entrances than you have thought up) The fog dissipated briefly, with a windshield washer style smack to Bieg's face. Malloy then lifted Bieg into the air, yawned (this is rather easy work after all) and then lifted and tossed him in a Flap Jack move that left Bieg on the back. Chuck then circled round him, somehow landing behind him, displaying UFC quickness not normally seen in 15-seeds. As Dan rose, Malloy lifted him again, pulled him over his shoulders (in a Power Cling maneuver), and then with a lunge, both got in a little leg work and bounced Bieg from the competition with a final Back Breaker. (Unfortunalely for malloy, this move broke both Bieg's back and his own). The battle though was over.
Nuclear Power Plant Malloy wins 21-14, becoming the 2nd UFC 15-seed to advance, earning a date (a fight, not a date) with Mark "Cosmo" Kraemer in the Octagon on Thursday 8/30.
This concludes your Sturgis Regional first round.
Up now, the final region, Edwardsville or E-Ville.
Today:
#1 Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann vs. #16 Bob "Sausage" Neauss
Hit REPLY to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
And, no matter what the other kids are doing, do the cool thing. Don't play with fire.
double dose monday: a 3 way power struggle
This battle was the ultimate matchup of brawn. Of pure muscle power. A battle of cleanup hitters locked in a 7 vs 10 power struggle. Scott "Big Tuna" Siebers knew he would need more votes than the 3 he picked up in last season's defensive battle - a 3-2 victory, edging out Zoomy Zumbach. Accoring to insider reports, the Big Tuna didn't necessarily want this one. But then again, did he really want to devour a 6 gallon drum of whey protein, or was that just something that needed to be done?
Meanwhile, Cosmo Kraemer came in fresh after a loss last season in which his wife (a non-Rawlings employee) tried to vote for him. (It didn't count and it wasn't enough anyway but it did show nice unity, for what that was worth)
On to the fight, for two guys who really didn't care, this was a constant game of psych. Essentially, the two would take turns acting disinterested in the battle, then suddenly delivering a battle move of their choice.
First Siebers pretended to be on the phone. Just when Kraemer looked away, he delivered a lancing elbow to the jugular, momentarily dazing Cosmo. Cosmo in turn reached out his hand to high five Siebers. When Scott reached to accept this praise, Kraemer took that window and delivered a Larynx Clipsaw move, leaving Scott quiet (even for him). They then took turns ruffling each others hair and grunting. This combination resulted in a tight but non-exciting 6-6 tie.
That's when Dennis "Re" Turner entered the fray. Back from the road or the tech center or the UFC history books, I'm not sure, but back to the tune of someone who's been on the road and just wants to vent. He set up the inflatable hitting cage inside Scott's office, otherwise known as soundproofing the office to keep the neighbors from hearing the howls. Re Turner looked at the two combatants and began to get angry. Very angry. Was this what the UFC had become while he was out on the road? He became a Human Pinball - an Angry Human Pinball - bouncing from Cosmo to Tuna and back delivering a well-timed strike with each connection. He picked up speed with each attack, almost like he was playing Pong with these two would-be warriors. And he left this wreckage with a 12-9-9 lead over the others.
But this would not be a Wes Lukash redux. Turner would not have enough. Stamina wears on you when you're out all the time and the Re Turner wasn't ready. Cosmo began to spit and shake and shimmy. He's spent the past year not just planning sales meetings but also selling arms to the Navy and Air Force. And this experience allowed him to deliver a combined ground and aerial assault not seen in recent fights. He attacked high, with Flying Elbow Drops to the chins of both fighters, and he attacked low, taking out their legs and delivering them in a pile on the ground of Scott's office. He kindly marked "Basura" on the pile and left.
Kraemer wins this one 14-12-9 over DT and Siebers. He advances to meet the winner of our other double dose Monday matchup...
Meanwhile, Cosmo Kraemer came in fresh after a loss last season in which his wife (a non-Rawlings employee) tried to vote for him. (It didn't count and it wasn't enough anyway but it did show nice unity, for what that was worth)
On to the fight, for two guys who really didn't care, this was a constant game of psych. Essentially, the two would take turns acting disinterested in the battle, then suddenly delivering a battle move of their choice.
First Siebers pretended to be on the phone. Just when Kraemer looked away, he delivered a lancing elbow to the jugular, momentarily dazing Cosmo. Cosmo in turn reached out his hand to high five Siebers. When Scott reached to accept this praise, Kraemer took that window and delivered a Larynx Clipsaw move, leaving Scott quiet (even for him). They then took turns ruffling each others hair and grunting. This combination resulted in a tight but non-exciting 6-6 tie.
That's when Dennis "Re" Turner entered the fray. Back from the road or the tech center or the UFC history books, I'm not sure, but back to the tune of someone who's been on the road and just wants to vent. He set up the inflatable hitting cage inside Scott's office, otherwise known as soundproofing the office to keep the neighbors from hearing the howls. Re Turner looked at the two combatants and began to get angry. Very angry. Was this what the UFC had become while he was out on the road? He became a Human Pinball - an Angry Human Pinball - bouncing from Cosmo to Tuna and back delivering a well-timed strike with each connection. He picked up speed with each attack, almost like he was playing Pong with these two would-be warriors. And he left this wreckage with a 12-9-9 lead over the others.
But this would not be a Wes Lukash redux. Turner would not have enough. Stamina wears on you when you're out all the time and the Re Turner wasn't ready. Cosmo began to spit and shake and shimmy. He's spent the past year not just planning sales meetings but also selling arms to the Navy and Air Force. And this experience allowed him to deliver a combined ground and aerial assault not seen in recent fights. He attacked high, with Flying Elbow Drops to the chins of both fighters, and he attacked low, taking out their legs and delivering them in a pile on the ground of Scott's office. He kindly marked "Basura" on the pile and left.
Kraemer wins this one 14-12-9 over DT and Siebers. He advances to meet the winner of our other double dose Monday matchup...
Sunday, August 05, 2007
does a 400% improvement = victory in the ufc?
Interesting question to ponder, huh?
Generally (General Lee) Lummus would face a tough combatant - last year's UFC runner up Wendy "Still a Nasty Newlywed" Mathis in a Sturgis opening round battle. And we were about to see if a combatant taking in over 4 times the power this year versus last would be enough... or if it would be one of those plans, like a financial plan, in which huge improvement didn't get you that fat bonus...
Let's go to the battle:
Lummus was a little ragged going into this one. Let's be honest, between the K2 close and the need to use up all of the minutes in his cell phone plan, he's been pretty busy lately. A little distracted. But that didn't stop him from sending out a few emails early in the day. Just wanted you to see his title: CONTROLLER. of what, I'm not sure, but that was enough to give (Generally) an early 2-0 lead.
He called Mathis into a meeting in his office (a ploy of power often done by financial types - the famous "meeting in my office" without any more info that gets your heart racing while the financial types laugh and wait. Lee's mind games extended his lead to 6-1, before the matchup turned.
Mathis entered his office with a tactic of her own. She had brought out a budget report or something like that (this one was named the Wendy report, I think - as most reports are given names, the Ben Report, the Sally Report, etc. much like Hurricanes, I guess) Anyways, Mathis asked Lummus to come over and explain a figure. It was in small font, of course. Lummus came over and was shocked when he was thrown head first into the table and then onto the ground. Mathis tied the score at 6.
As lee laid on the ground, Mathis went WWF old school. She broke out a move popularized by the Iron Shiek. Known to you WWF afficionados (Hoying) as the Camel's Clutch.
Mathis sat on Lummus' back, and began to force both of Lummus' arms on his thighs. She then reached around Lee's head and applied a ChinLock. Finally, she leaned back, pulling Lee's head and torso into a convulsion. The move sounds complicated, but the speed and agility to which Mathis deployed it will go down as a Shock and Awe maneuver. Mathis held Lummus in this position and the points began to rally. 16-6. Then she too began to play mind games, taking Lee's cell phone from his pocket and reprogramming his FIVE. Wow. The anger, confusion, and eventual loss of time it would take Lee to reprogram his list were enough to close this battle before the K2 close.
Mathis wins 23-8, despite the fact that Lummus garnered 4 times more votes than he did last season!
She advances to meet Andy "AK47" Pawlowski on Wednesday, 8/29.
Up today, our Double Dose Monday to conclude the Sturgis Region:
#7 Scott "Big Tuna" Siebers vs. #10 Mark "Cosmo" Kraemer
#2 Dan "Big" Bieg vs. #15 Chuck "Nuclear Power Plant" Malloy
Hit REPLY to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
Don't play with fire. It's not cool.
Generally (General Lee) Lummus would face a tough combatant - last year's UFC runner up Wendy "Still a Nasty Newlywed" Mathis in a Sturgis opening round battle. And we were about to see if a combatant taking in over 4 times the power this year versus last would be enough... or if it would be one of those plans, like a financial plan, in which huge improvement didn't get you that fat bonus...
Let's go to the battle:
Lummus was a little ragged going into this one. Let's be honest, between the K2 close and the need to use up all of the minutes in his cell phone plan, he's been pretty busy lately. A little distracted. But that didn't stop him from sending out a few emails early in the day. Just wanted you to see his title: CONTROLLER. of what, I'm not sure, but that was enough to give (Generally) an early 2-0 lead.
He called Mathis into a meeting in his office (a ploy of power often done by financial types - the famous "meeting in my office" without any more info that gets your heart racing while the financial types laugh and wait. Lee's mind games extended his lead to 6-1, before the matchup turned.
Mathis entered his office with a tactic of her own. She had brought out a budget report or something like that (this one was named the Wendy report, I think - as most reports are given names, the Ben Report, the Sally Report, etc. much like Hurricanes, I guess) Anyways, Mathis asked Lummus to come over and explain a figure. It was in small font, of course. Lummus came over and was shocked when he was thrown head first into the table and then onto the ground. Mathis tied the score at 6.
As lee laid on the ground, Mathis went WWF old school. She broke out a move popularized by the Iron Shiek. Known to you WWF afficionados (Hoying) as the Camel's Clutch.
Mathis sat on Lummus' back, and began to force both of Lummus' arms on his thighs. She then reached around Lee's head and applied a ChinLock. Finally, she leaned back, pulling Lee's head and torso into a convulsion. The move sounds complicated, but the speed and agility to which Mathis deployed it will go down as a Shock and Awe maneuver. Mathis held Lummus in this position and the points began to rally. 16-6. Then she too began to play mind games, taking Lee's cell phone from his pocket and reprogramming his FIVE. Wow. The anger, confusion, and eventual loss of time it would take Lee to reprogram his list were enough to close this battle before the K2 close.
Mathis wins 23-8, despite the fact that Lummus garnered 4 times more votes than he did last season!
She advances to meet Andy "AK47" Pawlowski on Wednesday, 8/29.
Up today, our Double Dose Monday to conclude the Sturgis Region:
#7 Scott "Big Tuna" Siebers vs. #10 Mark "Cosmo" Kraemer
#2 Dan "Big" Bieg vs. #15 Chuck "Nuclear Power Plant" Malloy
Hit REPLY to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
Don't play with fire. It's not cool.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
a flight planned a year ago
How could that be, you ask? Well, this was a UFC plot executed to perfection. Here's the story...
The time was Fall 2006. "6 Degrees of" Dan Cullinane had just finished watching another shoddy performance from his Fantasy Football team, The Cullinane Lady Bugs, led by his quarterback, the offensive (pun intended) Michael Vick. Vick had disappointed Cullinane one more time (side note: Cullinane had drafted Vick 3 years in a row at this point)
So Cullinane began a plan to go after Vick's reputation and to win the UFC in the process. Cullinane began the process by plotting at a family reunion (Before you ask - Dan's brother Thomas, the Missouri Optometrist of the Year, was not present). The plan was this: Dan would simply leak a few unsavory stories into the media while on a business road trip and then go on vacation. This would spiral (unlike many of Vick's passes) and take Vick out of the Rawlings roster and, potentially, flood the Rawlings front desk and countless others with emails, voicemails, and inquiries. The plan was brilliant.
I don't need to fill you in on the specifics of Dan's involvement, but I can tell you that Kelli "The Gate Keeper" Absheer came into work on the battle day filled with call after call after call... and beleaguered by the weeks of call after call after call. This creates what the Customer Service department used to refer to as Cauliflower Ear before the wireless headset was invented, and is also the reason many wrestlers wear head pieces.
The calls came in and Kelli was swamped. With each ring, Cullinane would enter and deliver a ninja-like slap onto her head. This went on for some time, giving Dan a commanding 16-2 lead until the loophole in Dan's plan emerged.... Kelli went on break.
That's right, and that's when the endurance training paid off. Kelli has typically ran 8.2 miles when Dan wakes up each morning and this endurance allowed Kelli to easily hunt Dan down. (Side note, Dan once legged a double into a triple in slow pitch so that's a tougher feat than it sounds!) When she found him, she gave him the Billy Blanks Tae Bo regimen, disk 2, to be specific. And with a boom, boom, slap, Dan's lead shrunk to 16-8.
That's when Neil "Rated R Superstar" Shapiro entered the fray, still excited from his victory yesterday. He jumped in the air between the two warriors, did an in-air splits regimen and threw both Kelli and Dan into separate walls with the power in his leg kicks. He left to fight another day, but these two both knew he was ready for them. Mind games, that's what this is about.
Kelli had to go back on call, and Dan went to post the Rawlings phone number on MySpace. This delivered another hundred or so calls and sealed the victory as Dan left for vacation.
Cullinane wins 23-8-1 over Absheer and Shapiro. He advances to meet Neil Shapiro Tuesday 8/28.
Up next, #14 Jeremy "Boston Bad Boy" O'Hara vs. #3 Andy "AK47" Pawlowski. Do NOT worry - I won't see these votes, Ryan Farrar will be calling the shots.
Hit REPLY to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
Do the cool thing, don't play with flames.
The time was Fall 2006. "6 Degrees of" Dan Cullinane had just finished watching another shoddy performance from his Fantasy Football team, The Cullinane Lady Bugs, led by his quarterback, the offensive (pun intended) Michael Vick. Vick had disappointed Cullinane one more time (side note: Cullinane had drafted Vick 3 years in a row at this point)
So Cullinane began a plan to go after Vick's reputation and to win the UFC in the process. Cullinane began the process by plotting at a family reunion (Before you ask - Dan's brother Thomas, the Missouri Optometrist of the Year, was not present). The plan was this: Dan would simply leak a few unsavory stories into the media while on a business road trip and then go on vacation. This would spiral (unlike many of Vick's passes) and take Vick out of the Rawlings roster and, potentially, flood the Rawlings front desk and countless others with emails, voicemails, and inquiries. The plan was brilliant.
I don't need to fill you in on the specifics of Dan's involvement, but I can tell you that Kelli "The Gate Keeper" Absheer came into work on the battle day filled with call after call after call... and beleaguered by the weeks of call after call after call. This creates what the Customer Service department used to refer to as Cauliflower Ear before the wireless headset was invented, and is also the reason many wrestlers wear head pieces.
The calls came in and Kelli was swamped. With each ring, Cullinane would enter and deliver a ninja-like slap onto her head. This went on for some time, giving Dan a commanding 16-2 lead until the loophole in Dan's plan emerged.... Kelli went on break.
That's right, and that's when the endurance training paid off. Kelli has typically ran 8.2 miles when Dan wakes up each morning and this endurance allowed Kelli to easily hunt Dan down. (Side note, Dan once legged a double into a triple in slow pitch so that's a tougher feat than it sounds!) When she found him, she gave him the Billy Blanks Tae Bo regimen, disk 2, to be specific. And with a boom, boom, slap, Dan's lead shrunk to 16-8.
That's when Neil "Rated R Superstar" Shapiro entered the fray, still excited from his victory yesterday. He jumped in the air between the two warriors, did an in-air splits regimen and threw both Kelli and Dan into separate walls with the power in his leg kicks. He left to fight another day, but these two both knew he was ready for them. Mind games, that's what this is about.
Kelli had to go back on call, and Dan went to post the Rawlings phone number on MySpace. This delivered another hundred or so calls and sealed the victory as Dan left for vacation.
Cullinane wins 23-8-1 over Absheer and Shapiro. He advances to meet Neil Shapiro Tuesday 8/28.
Up next, #14 Jeremy "Boston Bad Boy" O'Hara vs. #3 Andy "AK47" Pawlowski. Do NOT worry - I won't see these votes, Ryan Farrar will be calling the shots.
Hit REPLY to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
Do the cool thing, don't play with flames.
