UFC Double Dose Monday: France vs. Noser

You love this match up don’t you? I know you do.

Monday’s first battle in the Rawlings UFC was a good one. The contenders were armored, shaved, man-scaped, and pumped. They had actually arranged for the fight to take place in the Maryville Gym, probably something to do with the cheer camp there this week.

When the bell rang (the bell is Bob T. saying “ding” real loud) Jeff “Viva la” France and Jeff “No Nonsense” Noser instantly went after each other; there was no measuring each other up, though they did measure spectator Andy and found that he is actually only 6’6¾” causing the biggest uproar in the UFC since the great wrong email address scam of the Bommarito/Garbe fight.

The first to take a jab was “Freedom Fries” France. He jumped on the treadmill, turned it up to speed 10 (that’s a pace of 6 min / mile for those wondering) and threw Noser’s face onto the machine. That gave him 1 point. Next a flash of light came through the window and took a swipe at Noser. “What was that?” Noser said. Whispers in the crowd confused Noser and all the sudden France used that to take anther hit on Jeff “No Nonsense” Noser. All of the sudden the light appeared again and knocked Noser off his feet. The crowd got louder. France slapped Noser one more time to get another point.

At this point Noser was so confused he couldn’t talk. France put both hands on his waist, stood tall, pushed out his chest and proudly confessed to the group in a Godly voice, “I am Jeff France. The light of which you saw was ‘Jeff of the Light.’ The light of which you will not see is ‘Jeff of the Dark.’ The combination of 3-parts France and 1-part Noser means a certain death for you Mr. Noser.” The crowd erupted with Cheers! (which delighted the cheerleaders in the gym, so they awarded them with a spirit stick. You’re not supposed to drop those btw.)

Score: France 4, France of the Light 2, Noser 0

Though he got off to a slow start, Noser was prepared to the best of his ability. He had a sales sheet, past sales history with sell through, samples, a catalog, pricelist, and charming personality all ready, but those wouldn’t help him here. Noser was awarded one point for being so prepared and then 2 more making France feel bad for not being able to read (he only draws pretty pictures). Score: France 4, Light 2, Noser 3

France and Noser each grabbed a barbell and American Gladiator-ed it across the floor. They traded jabs until they were bruised and sore, taking a break with the score of 10-6-2 (France, Noser, Light). All of the sudden the lights flickered. In the split second time the light was off Noser realized he was hogtied in the corner with a blindfold over his eyes. The crowd was scared. They knew what happened and they didn’t want to see it again…..Jeff of the Dark made an appearance. Score: France 10, Noser 6, Jeff-o-Light 2, Jeff-o-Dark 1.
France took this chance to clean his K-Swisses on Nosers clothing until he managed to untie himself. They Indian wrestled to find a winner and man were they tired by the end. France took the battle from Noser and the wrest of the shades of France.

Final score: “Viva La” France 21, “No you didn’t” Noser 14, Jeff of the Light 3, Jeff of the Dark 1 (Word is that someone happen to capture a photo of Jeff of the Light during the millisecond he was in the room and said that he is even more handsome than the real Jeff France….but that was just J2 and he falls in love easily.)

Jeff of the Light actually encourages you to play with fire kids….its still unsafe, but its also bright….just like him.