Top Seeded Kappauff takes on the HR team

Today's contest was both a battle of minds and a battle of feet. A war of will, that unfortunately can sometimes be an iron will. Oh, yes, things were ready for today's battle between #16 seed "Marga" Rita Carel and #1 seed "Home" Ron Kapp-Off.

Rita worked diligently in the wee hours of the morning preparing for battle with her sidekicks (reportedly Sharon "The First Lady of Hard Core" Adams and Debbie "Pay Role" Hudgens, although to be honest there is rampant UFC speculation for just who resides in the "spare" offices in this side wing of the company.)

For now, let's just say the three of them came up with what we know in the UFC as a solid plan. Let's check in to see how it fared:

First, they re-wrote the Employee Handbook. Some clauses were added in, which seemed to limit Kappauff's game. This battle would force Ron to leave his patented ScissorKick Sandman and his Half Garrincha Half FootPlant maneuver at home. Those are no longer welcome at Rawlings, if you read page 47 paragraph 4. Kappauff had no choice but to read each page and sign his agreement, giving Carel an early 5-0 lead. But Carel was not prepared for what happened next. Despite urgent follow up emails, Kappauff did not return the form. This move, known to soccer freaks (and, if you didn't know, Ron was Maryville University's Newcomer of the Year a lot more recently than you!) is known as a "Stall" Technique. Carel grew more anxious, Kappauff did nothing. The score was tied at 5-5. With each passing second, Carel became more anxious. She sent Ron an email. Nothing. Kappauff led 8-5.

This was getting impossible. So Rita decided to try a painful HR technique first introduced by Phil Collins in 1986 as the "Land of Confusion" (ironically also found on his album entitled Invisible Touch). Rita scrambled to get her team together. That's right, it was time to bring out the big guns. It was time for Kappauff to revisit his W2 form. Just how many deductions did he need to claim? He's a new homeowner, after all. And does he need to enroll in the Flexible Spending plan? That might cover him should he need to buy some Ibuprofen to cure his UFC battle fatigue, after all. These would have to be completed right away, after all. Rita marched over with such force last seen in our offices when Dan "My brother is the best eye doctor in Missouri" Cullinane ran a cart through a wall. She climbed to the top of Brian Hoying's desk, leapt in the air and delivered the paperwork in a wipple of pain onto Kappauff's desk. Rita took the lead 9-8. Kappauff was stunned.

Rita rippled the papers again, blowing Kappauff's hair ever so gently. But suddenly, down from the sky fell a draft known to those in the tech center as Wes "Padre del Pato" Lukash delivering his Teardrop from Heaven maneuver, sending a storm through the office. As he left for another voyage west. Rita flew back to her office to regroup.

Kappauff had enough. He needed inspiration. He stood up in his cube, slapped his Newcomer of the Year plaque for good luck and set off for the HR wing. And this, my fellow UFC fans, is what makes a 1-seed a 1-seed. It is that ability to at any point in the match deliver a series of attacks so alarming they can send ripples through the competition. Carel's door was closed when she heard a knock. She got up, eagerly expecting that signed Employee Handbook. But there was no one at the door.....

No one except a foot encased in a beautiful piece of tan leather. It was a Puma. Speedcat. And Ron had it revved up and purring.

He used a move known as the Super Kick, or to you karate fans, the Yoko Geri. It started with a high side thrust kick with the sole of Ron's foot. Wherever it ended, I'm not sure, but I'm sure it was painful. It was followed by a sidestep (or Crescent kick). Ron finished the move by slapping his thigh, sending a loud echo through the office and warning today's fighters that they should choose wisely if they'd like to win.

Kappauff wins 21-9-1 over Carel (and Lukash) and advances to meet the winner of today's doozy matchup:

#8 Robert "The Chief" Parish versus "Pamm Pamm" Klostermann. Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com.

And do the cool thing. Don't play with fire.