Welcome to
Population: Whiteside
The Sturgis bracket has shaped up nicely for a UFC season kick off that will soon reveal which competitors have been taking their vitamins[1] this off-season and which ones have been lazy. The region finds itself filled with an abundance of talent and excited contestants eagerly awaiting opening day. Without further ado, here’s who made the cut:
One competitor to keep an eye on will be motorcycle hunk Denny Whiteside[2]. Clearly the favorite in this bracket, Whiteside is without a doubt a bona fide #1 seed, having proven himself in last years first annual UFC competition. Upon being notified of his UFC bid, the bloodthirsty Whiteside darted out to the parking lot, searching for something to destroy. Finding nothing else, he settled on Ralph the intern, and threw him through the wall of the building[3]. No one liked Ralph anyway, so it probably worked out for the best. Our best wishes go out to JoAnn (16) in her first round battle against Whiteside.
Lord (4) vs. Shapiro (13) is a long overdue confrontation that should shape up to be a great first round UFC battle. Shapiro has been “puttin’ on the foil”, and Lord is practicing intimidation tactics on the interns. Neither one of these combatants particularly enjoys doing their own dirty work, so look for them to pull some allies into their conflict.
One first round match-up that has the potential for greatness will be Zumbach (8) vs. Dorsey (9). In a pairing that couldn’t have been any better if Andy had picked it himself, these two go together like fire and gasoline. The pure hatred and loathing that has transpired between these archenemies over the years has created a metaphorical wall that has become impenetrable to everything but fists. Like the Cold War, however, both of these rivals may be too laid back[4] to act. If either one of these desk jockeys can harness enough energy to get out of their respective chairs for 5 minutes, count on a nuclear meltdown.
If you want to see two old school fighters that have not yet become spoiled by today’s commercialistic society, check out Cullinane (5) vs. Absheer (12). Unlike most UFC competitors, who are only in it for the money, both Cullinane and Absheer compete solely for the sake of beating the [expletive delete] out of people. In what promises to be a no holds barred, winner take all, fight to the death, this match is sure to embody the true spirit of the UFC.
Another must see will be the Dan Bieg (2)/Chuck Malloy (15) fight. Without doubt, this bout will have its share of old school trickery and cheap shots as these two characters love to fight dirty. Pay attention closely and look for classic UFC moves including the ‘Wet Willy’[5], the ‘Atomic Wedgie’[6], and of course the ‘Purple Nurple’[7]. Also look for Bieg to pull some cheap shots. He’s a big fan of the Three Stooges so look forward to eye poking and nose pulling (a couple of his signatures). Both warriors have been getting into shape by practicing on the interns, so you know they’re at the top of their game.
On the flip side, look for Siebers (7) vs. Kraemer (10) to be an epic bout of underwhelming proportions with neither combatant truly having the desire necessary to seize the win. Both Scott “Do I have to play?[8]” Siebers, and Mark “I’m not feeling photogenic right now. Maybe you can take my UFC picture later” Kraemer would rather pick daffodils while they use words to peacefully work out their differences[9]. Though this match is sure to be a disappointment to bloodthirsty UFC fans, look for a surprise appearance from a guest competitor[10], the likely victor in this match.
Be wary of the Mathis (6)/Lummus (11) fight. According to a reputable source and a series of assumptions, there is word of collaboration between these fighters, and there may be a “fix” in the works. Keep an eye out for funny stuff, and stay away from this fight if you’re a bettor.
Pawlowski (3) has his work cut out for him in his battle against O’Hara (14), who comes from the largely underrepresented
Speaking of the crew from the
A bit of reconnaissance work by the author revealed some unconventional training tactics at the MMAIOFC consisting of steroid eating contests, watching reruns of The Odd Couple, wearing spandex, and practicing new wrestling moves on Biju[13].
It comes as a disappointment to many that only one member of the MMAIOFC (“Chorizo”) received a bid from the UFC. Inquiring minds throughout the office[14] will likely raise suspicions of a stink within the UFC selection committee. It would not be the first time the Rawlings UFC has come under scrutiny[15].
Meanwhile, competitors from the Sturgis region eagerly await opening day. Despite the strength of the competitors in this bracket, look for Whiteside to roll over them[16] like…well…you can imagine…and onto the final four.
[1] Also known as Steroids
[2] Perhaps better known by his given name: “Big Sexy”, he legally changed it to Dennis Whiteside at age 7 when he was neither big nor sexy. My how the tables have turned.
[3] Ralph was still sitting in his car
[4] ie. lazy
[5] A Malloy favorite
[6] Another Malloy favorite
[7] A Malloy submission move
[8] The answer is both yes and no. Yes, all who receive bids do have to partake, and no, you’re not here to play, you’re here to fight darn it! This isn’t cops and robbers…
[9] Picking daffodils and resolving conflict with speech is bush league. This kind of BS will not be tolerated.
[10] Pacifism
[11] You may recognize them under their former name “El Tech Lucha Libre”. Their claim to fame is that they are the party responsible for making ‘beating people up’ a popular spectator sport back in the 80’s.
[12] In fact this is their motto.
[13] Biju’s safety word is “she sells sea shells by the sea shore” but he can rarely say the whole thing correctly before he submits to unconsciousness.
[14] As well as fans of sweaty Mexican wrestlers in spandex
[15] Whiteside got in trouble with PETA a few years back for dressing up like a cow during one match. The impact the stunt had on humans and animals alike was horrifying, but that’s a story for another day
[16] YIKES!!!
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