Pamm Pamm versus the Chief

Robert "The Chief" Parish had a hall of fame career. For 20, yes, that's right TWENTY years he had logged over 70 games and 1,000 minutes of pulverizing, relentless, dirty, sweaty, hardnosed play on the courts. He had elbowed his way into 1,568 games and played 29 minutes per game, leading him to wear very unfashionable (but color-coordinated) knee braces. Then, he decided to come back for one more season at the age of 43 with Chicago. And that wasn't a season to remember as he appeared in only 43 games, playing only 9 minutes per game. He was but a shadow of the once proud center, clearly unable to hang with the young folks and hung up the knee pads for good.

Fast forward to now.... or just before now.

It was obvious from seeing Robert pacing himself with co-UFC author and soon to be married "Crystal" Seth Elrod that both those men were on a mission. Seth needed to fit into his tux. But Robert needed to prove he still had it. That he was still able to compete at the level of domination last displayed in inter-family wrestling matches he and John used to have in their Tennessee family room.

Parish appeared at the offices early on Friday, clad in one of John's old wrestling singlets (bright green, of course) along with a pair of khakis, freshly ironed. Both were hidden beneath his old basketball snap up pants and warmup suit. He grabbed a cup of coffee and began to pace quickly near the west corridor entrance from which his prey, Klostermann likes to enter, doing a set of defensive slides, keeping his legs bent slightly as he glided along the hallway. This level of preparation allowed Parish to garner an early 3-0 lead.

Then the door opened with a Pam. As in Pamm Pamm to be more precise.

Klostermann entered, snickered as she saw Parish in his warmup suit and full defensive position and passed by him with a quick crossover step last seen when Farrar made an appearance on the basketball courts of Maryville. Parish appeared a step slow and lost his early advantage, leaving the score knotted at 3-3.

Pamm Pamm had now reached her work area and she climbed to the top of her chair with one leg while she began to use her other leg to pick up speed and momentum. Parish closed in, delicately ripping away his warmup pants to reveal his Battle Khakis. They snapped to attention. Unfortunately for Parish, so did he. As he became a victim of the Angry Tornado. For those of you who haven't witnessed it, this is when an office employee gets so riled up in their chair that they literally begin to spin in a circle at top speed delivering a smack to anything nearby... which in this case happened to be the face of Parish, angrily unable to get out of his defensive stance. If those years of mentally preparing while watching survivor man had taught him anything, it was to not allow the elements to get to you. You must stand tall. You must play loose. But the Angry Tornado began to stir, delivering a series of painful memories and leading Pamm Pamm to an 8-3 lead.

(As a side note, Pamm Pamm likes to do her work to crowds of onlookers chanting out P--A--N, P--A,--N). This is now the ringer on her cell phone which rang several times during the tornado, adding additional complications to the sensory overload the Chief was feeling as he fell behind 10-3.

But, Parish was not about to allow his family to suffer two defeats in a span of 3 days. And, for those who aren't familiar with it, Parish has a patented quick, pulverizingly powerful drop step move. And deliver it he did, taking that quick step and leaping in the air, hanging on the (imaginary) rim for what seemed like minutes before forcefully shattering the back (board) of Klostermann. Momentum halted. Every team knows they need a big man to take the pressure off, slow down the pace, and intimidate the competition. Parish's rim rocking maneuver tightened the gap to 10-8.

Pam had to take a phone call. Parish would have to wait, and think about his next steps as Pam gave him the finger (no, not that finger) as if to say "Don't worry, I'll get to you in one minute." Irritated, Parish fell behind 13-8.

Parish thought about his training in Costa Rica. Here's an excerpt I was able to find online regarding what he must have been doing while there:

"A Costa Rican getaway - as far removed from everyday living as you can imagine: lush rainforests and deserted tropical beaches. Marooned on Costa Rica's Osa Peninsula, he has only a few items to aid him for the next 7 days: swimming goggles, 3 ballpoint pens, a multi-tool and the clothing on his back. On top of the keeping hydrated in the intense humidity and relentless heat, he must cope with deadly snakes, enormous spiders, land-crabs and scorpions."

Wow, sounds scary to me. That level of preparation is unheard of in a UFC where #1 seeds can "forget" they are battling until afternoon. Parish's time in Costa Rica could only help him, although he came to this battle decidedly under prepared - no swimming goggles, only 1 ballpoint pen, no multi-tool, but extra clothing. Preparation can help you or hurt you, leaving us at a score of 15-11 Klostermann.

Parish sat in his defensive stance watching Pam as she finished her phone call. His legs were beginning to ache - could be the years of service, could be the dehydration, could be the crazy bugs that have appeared in our office, or it might be that running with Elrod - I'm not sure. But he appeared a bit wobbly... and then it became clear. Pamm Pamm was not actually on the phone. The classic "Psych" maneuver she had learned from her kids. As Parish continued to wobble, Klostermann seezed the moment, running head down right through Parish. He should have moved to take the charge but couldn't. It was too late. Pamm Pamm delivered the final blow, knocking Parish to the side as the crowds chanted....

Pamm Pamm wins 19-13 and advances to a showdown with #1 "Home" Ron Kapp Off on 8/22.

Up next: Double Dose Monday!

Vote for BOTH matchups:

#4 Curtis Cruz vs. #13 Ron "100% silky cotton" Hilson
#5 Brian Scheele vs. #12 Lindsey "MVP74" Naber

email your votes to rawlingsufc@hotmail.com.

And, please, do the cool thing. Don't play with fire!