Double Dose Monday

We opened up the Sturgis regional today to the sound of a Harley humming. That's right, its UFC and that means it's time to Bring Sexy Back... Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside took to the ring against #16 JoAnn "Special Delivery" Miller. Whiteside saw what had happened yesterday when another leather-leaning combatant (Gessley) took a spill... So Whiteside wasn't taking anything too lightly...
Miller came in to the mailroom this morning and noticed something a bit unusual.

FedEx had come in extra early.

That NEVER happens, right?

And there was a large box in the middle of the mail room floor marked to the attention of Miller. The Return address simply stated "The Pain Brigade". Miller went to lift the box onto the counter (and we've all seen Miller lift big boxes before). But this one wouldn't move. The box began to growl. Miller didn't know what to do as the box started to shake. She reached down to open up the box and then BOOM.

The box opened to reveal a special gift inside: a Big Sexy surprise.

Now, before we get to the battle, let's tally that score... Box in the floor of the mailroom (Denny up 3-0), FedEx was early (6-0), Miller had the guts to lift the box (6-1), but couldn't (8-1). The box growled (10-1) and shook (12-1) then exploded in a pool of Big Sexy Whiteside... 13-1.

Whiteside emerged with a Jack-in-the-Box Rising Sun attack (16-1), delivering a body check on the way up and lifting Miller over his shoulder before lifting her over and depositing her on the shipping table (18-1). This knocked over a set of urgent glove orders which would now have to be reorganized (22-1). You see, that's what Big Sexy does - he combines a physical and an emotional attack that really puts his victim at his mercy. As Miller rose, Whiteside raised his hand to reveal a new stamp. (the ink kind, not the postage kind) He delivered it to the forehead of Miller, the mark (not Carol) that said simply: Serviced by Whiteside.

Miller tried to retailiate, relying on her past boot camp experiences to get back up, displaying determination and skill, cutting the gap back to 24-2. But it wasn't enough. Whiteside threw one final hip check her way and whisted his way out the door, strutting off with a Voorhees-like 26-2 victory. He awaits the winner of Double D fight #2:

#8 David "Pain Projector" Zumbach vs. #9 Brian "Big Thunder" Dorsey

In a UFC first, neither combatant made it into the office today -- no doubt cleaning their wounds from a fight that sent one of the warriors to an early exit.

The two men stood near the Graphics Octagon early Monday morning. The top seed in this match, Zoomy Zumbach attacked first, delivering a kick with his Burning Inferno socks and Bright Blue Pumas in what is best referred to as a Fire and Ice leg whip attack to the midsection of Dorsey, taking an early 2-0 and then 4-2 lead. He continued a leg assault that mimicked a tour de (Jeff) France, as he clung to a narrow 6-3 lead.

Then Dorsey awoke from his state of tranquility. We've all seen Dorsey at his desk, in a calm state of graphical meditation/inspiration when, suddenly, from nowhere, he springs to action. Well most of us had (Zumbach apparently did not know he should be on the lookout for what is best described by onlookers as a Whirlwind of Pain). Dorsey began to swing violently arms, legs, cube walls, whatever got caught in the storm... including the now pettite-sized Zumbach, who had trimmed down for this year's tournament. Trimmed down enough to be scooped up like an extra value meal in the arms of Dorsey (a 1/4 lb cheeseburger extra value meal, that is). The onslaught was eerily similar to the force of the Whiteside attack, yet it came from above... Dorsey picked up the frightened Zumbach, carried him like a toddler about to be tossed in a pool. Zumbach began to shake his head no, as if he were a WCW wrestler pleading to not be tossed out of the ring. But Dorseys don't listen to pleading. They prefer to throw things. Brian launched Zoomy into the ceiling of his own office - momentarily macking an imprint of the Zumbach of today right next to the Zumbach of yesterday.

When the skies began to calm, ever so slightly, Dorsey giggled. A barely audible giggle that turned loud as he did his best Dennis Turner imitation yelling "WHO's NEXT?"

Dorsey won 22-7.

Expect a Double D matchup on August 27 - Dorsey vs. Denny. Big Thunder vs. Big Sexy. That might get scary.

Up next:

#4 Tim "West Virginia Thumper" Lord vs. #13 Neil "Rated R Superstar" Shapiro

Hit REPLY to vote... or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.

And do the cool thing... don't play with the fires.