Another vice presidential beating

Becky Shaw vs. John Parish... courtesy of reporter Greg Williams:

It began like any other normal day in the office...quiet and peaceful. Not because our two fighters weren’t eager enough, but perhaps because they were too eager.

Excited to prove the worthiness of her home office, the underrepresented Tech Center, Becky had risen early to prepare for battle. She went to the main office, crawled through the air duct and was waiting impatiently in the ceiling above Parish’s office for her unsuspecting adversary to arrive.

Parish too had woken early but had driven directly to the Tech Center where he concealed himself stealthily in a supply closet with the same idea. He had been there since dawn, and the anticipation was beginning to nag at him (mostly because he had he had downed an entire thermos of coffee, and had been doing the pee dance for the better part of an hour).

Meanwhile back at the main office, just below Becky’s hiding place in the ceiling, the door slowly opened. Without hesitation, Shaw crashed through the ceiling. This surely would have been an effective move against Parish had it not been for the fact that she had incorrectly staked out a position over the cafeteria instead of his office (-1 point). Becky and a pile of debris landed on none other than our beloved chef Sherman who screamed like a little girl (-1 point), soiled himself (-1 point), and finally resorted to crying (-1 point) in the fetal position (-1 point).

This unfortunate incident gave John “pee dancing” Parish a commanding lead over Becky and Sherman: 0, -1, -4 respectively.

Becky made amends with Sherman, explained that she must have taken a wrong turn in the air duct, and proceeded to order breakfast (+3 points for Sherman for his forgive and forget attitude).

By now, it was mid morning at the Tech Center, and Parish had finally decided to give up waiting (-1 point). He forfeited his stakeout in the closet, and could be seen sprinting through the warehouse toward the bathroom. Frustrated, and more motivated for carnage than ever, he jumped in his car and sped back to the main office. By this point in the day, Parish’s unnecessary driving had resulted in who knows how many pounds of carbon dioxide, chloro fluoro carbon emissions, etc in the atmosphere (probably at least 90 billion according to Andy’s calculation). This was a slap in the face to Mother Nature (and -1 point for the Rawlings Green Team).

The score was all tied up,

Parish: -1
Becky: -1
Rawlings Green Team: -1
Sherman: -1

and it was clear that the crap was about to hit the fan.

By the time the Parish arrived back at the main office, Becky was eating breakfast and having an all around good time talking to Sherman. Sherman’s cheerfulness soon turned to dismay as Parish darted in and threw a table through his salad bar. “Hey man!, Cafeteria’s for payin’ customers only!” Sherman shouted but Parish didn’t hear. He was already doubled over from Becky’s swift retaliation move, the mustard bottle squirt in the eye (+1 point).

Parish soon recovered and was advancing toward Becky with plastic cutlery in each hand, flinging them like throwing knives. One of the plastic spoons caught her just above the eye (+ 1 point for Parish) and left her with a minor scratch.

Not wanting to take anymore abuse, Becky dove over the counter narrowly avoiding yesterday’s leftover sausage patties (which Sherman was in the process of turning into today’s meatloaf), and Parish followed. Becky went hockey style on Parish, cross checking him into the dish washer (+6 points) while Parish answered by hitting her over the head with the refrigerator (+ 7 points).

Becky grabbed a bag of doorknobs that Sherman had under the counter and promptly went to town on Parish (+4 points). Parish tried one last ditch attempt for a comeback and threw some of Sherman’s special spice in Becky’s eyes. The move might have worked against any regular Maryville Office employees, but Becky was following Tech Center protocol and was wearing her safety glasses (+1 point). She ended the fight by dunking Parish in the Fry-O-Lator (+1 point) and then mopped the floor with him to Sherman’s approval (+2 points).

Final Score:

Becky: 14
Parish: 7
Rawlings Green Team: -1
Sherman: Priceless

Cast your vote for today's fight: #2 Keene v. #15 Bensing at RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com