Fans, this was a UFC matchup that had been brewing for months. Let me get specific and paint a picture for you... There we were, mid-March, and it was time to enter your team into the Tomaszewski March Madness bracket. No time to act, no time to go online... So Tim "West Virginia Thumper" Lord delegated. He asked Neil "Piro Maniac" Shapiro to go online and enter in his bracket. Shapiro waited patiently while Lord finished his bracket, then Shapiro went back to input it into the website... you guessed it, Shapiro wins the bracket. Or wait, that wasn't Shapiro. It said Shapiro but it was really Lord. Tim Lord, bracketology chammpion for Rawlings.
Flash backward even further, let's look at some of the gems that great state of WV has produced:
Pac Man Jones
Chris Henry
Randy Moss
Tim Lord
All dominant athletic specimens. All with a few "issues". And now we zoom forward to the main event...
Lord was in early, armed with a new bat that might just be have been an old bat, we're not sure. All I know for sure is it has 10 or 11 layers of stuff in it and a lot of techy looking logos. In fact, Shapiro could almost make out four or five of those logos on the bat before it smacked him straight in the head. Lord then switched around and smacked him again - delivering equal pop from both sides of the plate.
But let me tell you something about Shapiro. He's spent a lot of time working with Kathy "Ozzie" Smith on some sort of device that measures (or exerts) extreme amounts of pressure on round objects. Like softballs, baseballs, or in the case of today, Tim Lord's grill (head or face, not his Weber). That's right.. Lord had just finished his follow through, staring at the scoreboard doing his Chris Henry style touchdown dance (it's quite a number - it starts with a shimmy that drives the interns crazy...) as he rolled to that early 9-2 lead. (4 points for the bashing, 4 points for the dancing, 1 points for the interns going crazy)
That follow through though suddenly and quickly ended inside some sort of Shapiro-inspired head smack ending in a Shapiro-created vise, in which Neil began to crank away to lock Lord into place. That's when he began to go to work on Lord's midsection, delivering a special series of tests that even Tim couldn't pass. These tests, you see, are designed to find that breaking point and Neil found Tim's after taking out his driver and working on Tim's course. He didn't need a mulligan but he took one. Or three.
The battle locked even at 9. Then Shapiro took an 11-9 lead with a painful backswing.
Lord then broke free and began to send in a series of interns, employees, and security guards at Shapiro - anyone he could find was sent into battle. Shapiro was outnumbered and unable to keep up with the perpetual stream of Tim's Army. Lord reclaimed the lead 12-11. Briefly.
That's when Shapiro began to rub his hands together first slowly, then quickly. It became apparent that this wasn't some strange means of grooving. Neil was starting a fire. A fire that would engulf Lord and his West Virginia thumper and end this battle in a pile of ashes.
Shapiro pulls the upset 18-13 and advances to meet today's winner:
#5 "Six Degrees of Dan" Cullinane vs. #12 Kelly "The Gate Keeper" Absheer
Email your vote by hitting REPLY or emailing it to rawlingsufc@gmail.com
And, kids, don't be like Neil Shapiro. Don't play with fire.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Double Dose Monday
We opened up the Sturgis regional today to the sound of a Harley humming. That's right, its UFC and that means it's time to Bring Sexy Back... Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside took to the ring against #16 JoAnn "Special Delivery" Miller. Whiteside saw what had happened yesterday when another leather-leaning combatant (Gessley) took a spill... So Whiteside wasn't taking anything too lightly...
Miller came in to the mailroom this morning and noticed something a bit unusual.
FedEx had come in extra early.
That NEVER happens, right?
And there was a large box in the middle of the mail room floor marked to the attention of Miller. The Return address simply stated "The Pain Brigade". Miller went to lift the box onto the counter (and we've all seen Miller lift big boxes before). But this one wouldn't move. The box began to growl. Miller didn't know what to do as the box started to shake. She reached down to open up the box and then BOOM.
The box opened to reveal a special gift inside: a Big Sexy surprise.
Now, before we get to the battle, let's tally that score... Box in the floor of the mailroom (Denny up 3-0), FedEx was early (6-0), Miller had the guts to lift the box (6-1), but couldn't (8-1). The box growled (10-1) and shook (12-1) then exploded in a pool of Big Sexy Whiteside... 13-1.
Whiteside emerged with a Jack-in-the-Box Rising Sun attack (16-1), delivering a body check on the way up and lifting Miller over his shoulder before lifting her over and depositing her on the shipping table (18-1). This knocked over a set of urgent glove orders which would now have to be reorganized (22-1). You see, that's what Big Sexy does - he combines a physical and an emotional attack that really puts his victim at his mercy. As Miller rose, Whiteside raised his hand to reveal a new stamp. (the ink kind, not the postage kind) He delivered it to the forehead of Miller, the mark (not Carol) that said simply: Serviced by Whiteside.
Miller tried to retailiate, relying on her past boot camp experiences to get back up, displaying determination and skill, cutting the gap back to 24-2. But it wasn't enough. Whiteside threw one final hip check her way and whisted his way out the door, strutting off with a Voorhees-like 26-2 victory. He awaits the winner of Double D fight #2:
#8 David "Pain Projector" Zumbach vs. #9 Brian "Big Thunder" Dorsey
In a UFC first, neither combatant made it into the office today -- no doubt cleaning their wounds from a fight that sent one of the warriors to an early exit.
The two men stood near the Graphics Octagon early Monday morning. The top seed in this match, Zoomy Zumbach attacked first, delivering a kick with his Burning Inferno socks and Bright Blue Pumas in what is best referred to as a Fire and Ice leg whip attack to the midsection of Dorsey, taking an early 2-0 and then 4-2 lead. He continued a leg assault that mimicked a tour de (Jeff) France, as he clung to a narrow 6-3 lead.
Then Dorsey awoke from his state of tranquility. We've all seen Dorsey at his desk, in a calm state of graphical meditation/inspiration when, suddenly, from nowhere, he springs to action. Well most of us had (Zumbach apparently did not know he should be on the lookout for what is best described by onlookers as a Whirlwind of Pain). Dorsey began to swing violently arms, legs, cube walls, whatever got caught in the storm... including the now pettite-sized Zumbach, who had trimmed down for this year's tournament. Trimmed down enough to be scooped up like an extra value meal in the arms of Dorsey (a 1/4 lb cheeseburger extra value meal, that is). The onslaught was eerily similar to the force of the Whiteside attack, yet it came from above... Dorsey picked up the frightened Zumbach, carried him like a toddler about to be tossed in a pool. Zumbach began to shake his head no, as if he were a WCW wrestler pleading to not be tossed out of the ring. But Dorseys don't listen to pleading. They prefer to throw things. Brian launched Zoomy into the ceiling of his own office - momentarily macking an imprint of the Zumbach of today right next to the Zumbach of yesterday.
When the skies began to calm, ever so slightly, Dorsey giggled. A barely audible giggle that turned loud as he did his best Dennis Turner imitation yelling "WHO's NEXT?"
Dorsey won 22-7.
Expect a Double D matchup on August 27 - Dorsey vs. Denny. Big Thunder vs. Big Sexy. That might get scary.
Up next:
#4 Tim "West Virginia Thumper" Lord vs. #13 Neil "Rated R Superstar" Shapiro
Hit REPLY to vote... or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
And do the cool thing... don't play with the fires.
Miller came in to the mailroom this morning and noticed something a bit unusual.
FedEx had come in extra early.
That NEVER happens, right?
And there was a large box in the middle of the mail room floor marked to the attention of Miller. The Return address simply stated "The Pain Brigade". Miller went to lift the box onto the counter (and we've all seen Miller lift big boxes before). But this one wouldn't move. The box began to growl. Miller didn't know what to do as the box started to shake. She reached down to open up the box and then BOOM.
The box opened to reveal a special gift inside: a Big Sexy surprise.
Now, before we get to the battle, let's tally that score... Box in the floor of the mailroom (Denny up 3-0), FedEx was early (6-0), Miller had the guts to lift the box (6-1), but couldn't (8-1). The box growled (10-1) and shook (12-1) then exploded in a pool of Big Sexy Whiteside... 13-1.
Whiteside emerged with a Jack-in-the-Box Rising Sun attack (16-1), delivering a body check on the way up and lifting Miller over his shoulder before lifting her over and depositing her on the shipping table (18-1). This knocked over a set of urgent glove orders which would now have to be reorganized (22-1). You see, that's what Big Sexy does - he combines a physical and an emotional attack that really puts his victim at his mercy. As Miller rose, Whiteside raised his hand to reveal a new stamp. (the ink kind, not the postage kind) He delivered it to the forehead of Miller, the mark (not Carol) that said simply: Serviced by Whiteside.
Miller tried to retailiate, relying on her past boot camp experiences to get back up, displaying determination and skill, cutting the gap back to 24-2. But it wasn't enough. Whiteside threw one final hip check her way and whisted his way out the door, strutting off with a Voorhees-like 26-2 victory. He awaits the winner of Double D fight #2:
#8 David "Pain Projector" Zumbach vs. #9 Brian "Big Thunder" Dorsey
In a UFC first, neither combatant made it into the office today -- no doubt cleaning their wounds from a fight that sent one of the warriors to an early exit.
The two men stood near the Graphics Octagon early Monday morning. The top seed in this match, Zoomy Zumbach attacked first, delivering a kick with his Burning Inferno socks and Bright Blue Pumas in what is best referred to as a Fire and Ice leg whip attack to the midsection of Dorsey, taking an early 2-0 and then 4-2 lead. He continued a leg assault that mimicked a tour de (Jeff) France, as he clung to a narrow 6-3 lead.
Then Dorsey awoke from his state of tranquility. We've all seen Dorsey at his desk, in a calm state of graphical meditation/inspiration when, suddenly, from nowhere, he springs to action. Well most of us had (Zumbach apparently did not know he should be on the lookout for what is best described by onlookers as a Whirlwind of Pain). Dorsey began to swing violently arms, legs, cube walls, whatever got caught in the storm... including the now pettite-sized Zumbach, who had trimmed down for this year's tournament. Trimmed down enough to be scooped up like an extra value meal in the arms of Dorsey (a 1/4 lb cheeseburger extra value meal, that is). The onslaught was eerily similar to the force of the Whiteside attack, yet it came from above... Dorsey picked up the frightened Zumbach, carried him like a toddler about to be tossed in a pool. Zumbach began to shake his head no, as if he were a WCW wrestler pleading to not be tossed out of the ring. But Dorseys don't listen to pleading. They prefer to throw things. Brian launched Zoomy into the ceiling of his own office - momentarily macking an imprint of the Zumbach of today right next to the Zumbach of yesterday.
When the skies began to calm, ever so slightly, Dorsey giggled. A barely audible giggle that turned loud as he did his best Dennis Turner imitation yelling "WHO's NEXT?"
Dorsey won 22-7.
Expect a Double D matchup on August 27 - Dorsey vs. Denny. Big Thunder vs. Big Sexy. That might get scary.
Up next:
#4 Tim "West Virginia Thumper" Lord vs. #13 Neil "Rated R Superstar" Shapiro
Hit REPLY to vote... or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
And do the cool thing... don't play with the fires.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Biggest upset in UFC history?
The UFC has seen her share of shocking moments... Jeff France battling Jeff France. Maryanne Whitis fighting for a week. Biju Matthew breaking his ankle. Wes Lukash crashing the field... but never had we ever seen a matchup with the potential to throw a bracket into a convulsion than we had today:
#15 Jan "Redbird Attack" Grundig vs. #2 (and defending champ) Travis "Back to Back" Gessley
First, let me address the question that has come up... how can a defending champ be a #2 seed? Well, I didn't make the seeds, but I can speculate. It's often a team comes off a title (St Louis Cardinals) without the same energy, desire, and focus that the team who won it all had. Was that the case here? Let's go to the battle.
Grundig sent out the notice on Robert's employee meeting to all of us Friday. But what you didn't see was the note sent directly to Gessley:
"Robert needs to see you 15 minutes before the 3 pm meeting. Just come down to the main lobby, and you'll get the full details."
So, Gessley lumbered down a few minutes early on Friday. He made it to the lobby but didn't see Jan anywhere. Then he looked up. Just in time to see Jan launch straight from the 2nd floor balcony like an angry hang glider delivering a painful smack to the right ear (she did miss slightly) of the defending champ. Gessley, stunned, backpeddaled. Jan took a 2-0 lead for the angry hangglide and bumped it to 4-0 by making the champ backpedal.
Grundig attacked again, through a series of ninja-like flying cartwheels sending Gessley back into the raised platform as he felt another pain with each step back (delivered nicely by Grundig - alternating between feet then hands then feet again)... The lead grew to 12-3.
Travis hit the ground then lifted his head in the air like a Cobra poised to strike. But it wasn't a Cobra... It was time for the Worm. And this worm charged Jan like no other, thrusting off the floor and sniping at Grundig from the ground. The gap tightened a smidge to 12-7, then 14-9.
But that's when gessley received the final news. Jan recognized that he was now looking up at her and she had that opening to attack, to deliver a final message. And it came in the form of a flying elbow drop that came crashing down on the champ at ground level.
Oh, and Jan cleaned up the scene just in time for that employee meeting, leaving no trace of the (former) champion. She had completed the largest upset in Rawlings UFC history, in style - a 21-9 victory over Gessley.
Jan advances to meet Barb "Pro Pain" Foerstel on Monday 8/27.
So, in closing, remember two things:
1. No one repeats in the UFC. No one.
2. Do the cool thing. Don't play with fire.
Up next: Double Dose Monday battles in the Sturgis Region
#1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside versus #16 JoAnn "Special Delivery" Miller
#8 David "Pain Projector" Zumbach versus #9 Brian "Big Thunder" Dorsey
Hit REPLY to vote, or email to rawlingsufc@gmail.com
#15 Jan "Redbird Attack" Grundig vs. #2 (and defending champ) Travis "Back to Back" Gessley
First, let me address the question that has come up... how can a defending champ be a #2 seed? Well, I didn't make the seeds, but I can speculate. It's often a team comes off a title (St Louis Cardinals) without the same energy, desire, and focus that the team who won it all had. Was that the case here? Let's go to the battle.
Grundig sent out the notice on Robert's employee meeting to all of us Friday. But what you didn't see was the note sent directly to Gessley:
"Robert needs to see you 15 minutes before the 3 pm meeting. Just come down to the main lobby, and you'll get the full details."
So, Gessley lumbered down a few minutes early on Friday. He made it to the lobby but didn't see Jan anywhere. Then he looked up. Just in time to see Jan launch straight from the 2nd floor balcony like an angry hang glider delivering a painful smack to the right ear (she did miss slightly) of the defending champ. Gessley, stunned, backpeddaled. Jan took a 2-0 lead for the angry hangglide and bumped it to 4-0 by making the champ backpedal.
Grundig attacked again, through a series of ninja-like flying cartwheels sending Gessley back into the raised platform as he felt another pain with each step back (delivered nicely by Grundig - alternating between feet then hands then feet again)... The lead grew to 12-3.
Travis hit the ground then lifted his head in the air like a Cobra poised to strike. But it wasn't a Cobra... It was time for the Worm. And this worm charged Jan like no other, thrusting off the floor and sniping at Grundig from the ground. The gap tightened a smidge to 12-7, then 14-9.
But that's when gessley received the final news. Jan recognized that he was now looking up at her and she had that opening to attack, to deliver a final message. And it came in the form of a flying elbow drop that came crashing down on the champ at ground level.
Oh, and Jan cleaned up the scene just in time for that employee meeting, leaving no trace of the (former) champion. She had completed the largest upset in Rawlings UFC history, in style - a 21-9 victory over Gessley.
Jan advances to meet Barb "Pro Pain" Foerstel on Monday 8/27.
So, in closing, remember two things:
1. No one repeats in the UFC. No one.
2. Do the cool thing. Don't play with fire.
Up next: Double Dose Monday battles in the Sturgis Region
#1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside versus #16 JoAnn "Special Delivery" Miller
#8 David "Pain Projector" Zumbach versus #9 Brian "Big Thunder" Dorsey
Hit REPLY to vote, or email to rawlingsufc@gmail.com
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Pro Pain starts a fire
It is moments like today that we realize the gladiator spirit that exists in our offices, and that is the heart and soul of the Rawlings UFC. It was mid-afternoon and your third-favorite (after Seth and Greg W) UFC commentator (that would be me) was casually sitting at his desk when he was dive bomb attacked by something that was a mix of wasp, hornet, and angry centaur. Whatever it was buzzed through my hair twice, forcing me from my seat in a scurry. Lindsey "MVP74" Naber came in to see what had happened only to be head butted by this angry creature. She left faster than she did after meeting Steve Garvey's wingman.... "Six Degrees of" Dan Cullinane came in for a look and was drawn back in a frenzy as well. That set the stage for the gladiator.
Barb "Pro Pain" Foerstel entered my office armed with a war club/magazine. Her eyes circled the office and zeroed in on the intrudor. She leaped in the air and delivered a thunderous blow, knocking the flight out of this animal and saving the day for the west wing of our offices. I can best describe this attack as instantaneous and ferocious. Breathtakingly crazy. Like an alligator snapping at a drinking caribou. Wow.
A little foreshadowing?
Yes.
Adams checked in early today. It was another day in the office for her and she was ready to fight. She cracked her knuckles in anticipation as she waited near the Pro Department. A little work had allowed her to change the security keypad -- this should keep Foerstel out of the offices for awhile. Adams led 2-0.
Unfortunately though, she hadn't planned on someone leaving the offices and allowing Barb to sneak in - her plan was never executed... unfortunately she was about to meet what I could best describe (and later witnessed) as a Flying Foerst Fire attack. Barb took a drop step move last seen when Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann took to the basketball floor but with more force. She used a cube wall for balance as she levitated above the wall and came down with a thunderous magazine club. (taking a 6-2 lead). She rattled the pages as she hit the ground, creating the sound of a fire crackling (make that 12-2).
Adams screamed. She wanted a Second Chance. Then, as if it were choreographed, "2nd" Chance Hollingsworth entered the room. He snarled as only Chance snarles reached out and set the most illegal screen I've seen since Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann set out on the basketball court. He made his point and then left.
Adams looked at Foerstel and flexed. An Angry Flex. She was used to being boxed in. She once worked for 6 months in a storage closet. And she used that experience to her advantage, grabbing two walls and walking up Foerstel from the knees to the grill with a hiking path attack, revealing her tattoo in the process. (no, it wasn't of Mark Barry - that one is for J TWO only).... the gap narrowed to 12-6, then 12-7.
But Barb was ready. She crackled again, bouncing like a ball in pong from wall to wall to Adams. and again to wall to wall to Adams. Crackling the magazine pages and eventually crackling the Adams. She hissed in victory with a 24-7-1 win over Sharon "Bad to the Bone" Adams and "2nd" Chance Hollingsworth and advances to meet today's winner between:
#2 (and defending UFC champ) Travis "Back to Back" Gessley versus #15 Jan "Redbird Attack" Grundig
Hit REPLY to vote and do the cool thing. Don't play with a Foerstel Fire.
Barb "Pro Pain" Foerstel entered my office armed with a war club/magazine. Her eyes circled the office and zeroed in on the intrudor. She leaped in the air and delivered a thunderous blow, knocking the flight out of this animal and saving the day for the west wing of our offices. I can best describe this attack as instantaneous and ferocious. Breathtakingly crazy. Like an alligator snapping at a drinking caribou. Wow.
A little foreshadowing?
Yes.
Adams checked in early today. It was another day in the office for her and she was ready to fight. She cracked her knuckles in anticipation as she waited near the Pro Department. A little work had allowed her to change the security keypad -- this should keep Foerstel out of the offices for awhile. Adams led 2-0.
Unfortunately though, she hadn't planned on someone leaving the offices and allowing Barb to sneak in - her plan was never executed... unfortunately she was about to meet what I could best describe (and later witnessed) as a Flying Foerst Fire attack. Barb took a drop step move last seen when Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann took to the basketball floor but with more force. She used a cube wall for balance as she levitated above the wall and came down with a thunderous magazine club. (taking a 6-2 lead). She rattled the pages as she hit the ground, creating the sound of a fire crackling (make that 12-2).
Adams screamed. She wanted a Second Chance. Then, as if it were choreographed, "2nd" Chance Hollingsworth entered the room. He snarled as only Chance snarles reached out and set the most illegal screen I've seen since Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann set out on the basketball court. He made his point and then left.
Adams looked at Foerstel and flexed. An Angry Flex. She was used to being boxed in. She once worked for 6 months in a storage closet. And she used that experience to her advantage, grabbing two walls and walking up Foerstel from the knees to the grill with a hiking path attack, revealing her tattoo in the process. (no, it wasn't of Mark Barry - that one is for J TWO only).... the gap narrowed to 12-6, then 12-7.
But Barb was ready. She crackled again, bouncing like a ball in pong from wall to wall to Adams. and again to wall to wall to Adams. Crackling the magazine pages and eventually crackling the Adams. She hissed in victory with a 24-7-1 win over Sharon "Bad to the Bone" Adams and "2nd" Chance Hollingsworth and advances to meet today's winner between:
#2 (and defending UFC champ) Travis "Back to Back" Gessley versus #15 Jan "Redbird Attack" Grundig
Hit REPLY to vote and do the cool thing. Don't play with a Foerstel Fire.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
can darkness be silenced?
Mark "of Darkness" Barry got in a bit early this morning, getting ready for a big meeting at a large retail partner somewhere. He had felt it - that signal, much like the Bat signal of comic books. When a retailer shines that signal, that light, Barry puts on his suit and heads off. But before leaving, he had a special surprise to occupy his competition. He sent off an email, one of the more powerful tactics used by executives in companies worldwide, including our beloved Rawlings Group. But not just any email. It was an email with things to do. A little something to work on. And pronto.
Yes, Jason "Silencer" Voorhees (known as J2 which literally translates to JTWO or Japanese Trained Warrior Ossassin) had an email waiting for him. It seemed a retail partner who shall remain nameless needed a set of somewhere between 90 and 120 PDQs to be made by hand. Barry's workload delivered an early 2-0 lead. And then, he added a bonus: he didn't give all the info JTWO would need. 3-0 Barry with a smack as he readied himself to leave town…
But the Silencer was not going to let this workload get in the way of doing biz-ness. And we saw something that has not yet been seen in UFC play. Never. I'll give you the rundown. Please do not forward this email to young children as it might be a little J2 Violent for their eyes.
J2 was waiting for the Darkness in the parking lot or as it was known this morning, the parking octagon.
He saw Barry and put on his battle gear, consisting of a cape (2 points), short sleeves and short shorts to reveal extra tattoos (2 points), and jazz hands (2 points). He approached Barry like Ron Kappauff heading for a kickball and delivered a thump of his new Puma kicks to the legs of the lankier Barry, stopping him in his tracks. Voorhees led 8-3.
Then came a moment of training, a mix tape of pain delivered upon a UFC combatant like never before. It started with an elliptical routine, with gradually rising feet hitting to the beats of a White Stripes tune. This was a warmup, but we were already seeing the remnants of Mark Barry's grill being tattooed on Voorhees' sneakers. This routine led to a lead of 18-3.
Up next, the bicycle. With extra sweat. And if the leg work wasn't enough, trust me the musical arrangement wasn't exactly to Barry's taste buds. The lead rose to 25-3.
And, for the grand finale, Voorhees called on the dogs. He began to bark or howl (no doubt a sign for his next combatant that he's not afraid of a cougar catcher) He delivered what is best described as a wet dog routine. A shaking and sweat filled convulsion that left Barry motionless and out for the count. (A TWO count)
In the end, we all know that V stands for Victory. As in a pummelizing, demorailizing 37 point run in route to a 37-3 defeat. Finally "General" Lee Lummus can breathe easier!
Voorhees advances to meet Crystal Seth L-Rod on August 24th. I'm predicting a short honeymoon for L-Rod.
Up next: #7 Barb "Pro Pane" Foerstel versus #10 Sharon "the Bad Seed" Adams
Hit REPLY to vote.
And do the cool thing, tell your kids (who obviously weren't reading this) to not play with fire.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Seth's Power of Pink
All the best athletes tend to get known by shortened versions of their names. In baseball, we have Dice K and A-Rod. Basketball has T-Mac and A.I. Football has LT. And the Rawlings UFC has L-Rod. As in "Crystal" Seth Elrod. Now before we get into this battle let's answer a favorite question of our readers:
Q: "How did seth earn the nickname Crystal?"
A: "It is purely rumor that L-Rod is from Crystal City. He is in fact from Warrenton. There is a crystal outlet in the Warrenton outlet mall that Seth used to visit while growing up. This shop played quite a role in the wedding planning Seth began back in 1999. It became a weekend activity of his to go, check out what was new and discontinued and he'd update that registry. Unfortunately for Seth, this planning didn't pay off as they are not registered here. Seth will reportedly though be wearing at least one crystal slipper down the aisle this weekend."
On to the fight. L-Rod knew he couldn't fight dirty for many reasons. 1) his wedding is this weekend. And any unsightly marks on his face might totally throw off the wedding pictures. 2) He just got his wedding hair cut and if he got in close he knew Brian might be willing to pull on it. And 3) Let's face it. Dirty isn't Seth's game.
Those UFC fighters who know their game have a shot. Both fighters knew their game. First, Brian (a former high jumper who once jumped 6'10" in the air, which is higher than either me with an apple on my head or Tim Lord with Travis on his head) approached. The crowd began to clap in unison as he approached. With a spring from his left leg, Hoying leapt in the air and delivered a high-jump spike just beneath the ear of Seth, ruffling Elrod as he panickedly looked to make sure he was still ready for that photo. (he was) Hoying leapt to a 4-0 lead.
Seth knew his game too. It was time to battle Hoying in a battle of Ballroom Dancing. And up first was the Fox Trot, or as Seth interprets it the "Cougar Trot". The Cougar Trot follows a rhythm of slow-slow-quick-quick. And with each forceful step, Seth delivered a kick that was inspired from each Peg Legs game he'd skipped to work on the move. With a slow slow quick quick attack, L-Rod pounced to an astounding 11-4 lead.
Now Brian approached L-Rod, and gave him the dizzifying Tilt-a-Whirl Smack and Spin technique, which began with Seth being confused and ended by Seth being still confused but also the recipient of the Ultimate Wedgie -- a move perfected by Hoying on recent trips to China. Seth winced in pain and watched as his boxers were ripped right off his body (the second time he'd endured such a circumstance in less than a week, but that's another story altogether)... Hoying closed the gap to 13 15/32 to 11 17/32 (one judge was unwilling to commit a full point for this attack).
Then, L Rod disappeared, no doubt for a wardrobe change. He appeared moments later, primed and ready to go in his pink button down, tucked in of course - a surprise to many onlookers who expected to see his shirt of a thousand birds. But not this time. Hoying stood at attention but couldn't react quick enough. Splat. He was hit in the face by some "product" (hair stuff) and then by another "product" (Seth's left elbow). The Power of Pink had prevailed.
L-Rod wins 16 15/32 to 11 17/32, making it 3 straight upset victories in the UFC. He advances to meet the winner of our next battle:
#6 Jason "J2 The Silencer" Voorhees versus #11 Mark "of Darkness" Barry
Hit REPLY to this note or shoot an email to rawlingsufc@gmail.com
and, tell your kids to play it cool. don't play with fire.
Q: "How did seth earn the nickname Crystal?"
A: "It is purely rumor that L-Rod is from Crystal City. He is in fact from Warrenton. There is a crystal outlet in the Warrenton outlet mall that Seth used to visit while growing up. This shop played quite a role in the wedding planning Seth began back in 1999. It became a weekend activity of his to go, check out what was new and discontinued and he'd update that registry. Unfortunately for Seth, this planning didn't pay off as they are not registered here. Seth will reportedly though be wearing at least one crystal slipper down the aisle this weekend."
On to the fight. L-Rod knew he couldn't fight dirty for many reasons. 1) his wedding is this weekend. And any unsightly marks on his face might totally throw off the wedding pictures. 2) He just got his wedding hair cut and if he got in close he knew Brian might be willing to pull on it. And 3) Let's face it. Dirty isn't Seth's game.
Those UFC fighters who know their game have a shot. Both fighters knew their game. First, Brian (a former high jumper who once jumped 6'10" in the air, which is higher than either me with an apple on my head or Tim Lord with Travis on his head) approached. The crowd began to clap in unison as he approached. With a spring from his left leg, Hoying leapt in the air and delivered a high-jump spike just beneath the ear of Seth, ruffling Elrod as he panickedly looked to make sure he was still ready for that photo. (he was) Hoying leapt to a 4-0 lead.
Seth knew his game too. It was time to battle Hoying in a battle of Ballroom Dancing. And up first was the Fox Trot, or as Seth interprets it the "Cougar Trot". The Cougar Trot follows a rhythm of slow-slow-quick-quick. And with each forceful step, Seth delivered a kick that was inspired from each Peg Legs game he'd skipped to work on the move. With a slow slow quick quick attack, L-Rod pounced to an astounding 11-4 lead.
Now Brian approached L-Rod, and gave him the dizzifying Tilt-a-Whirl Smack and Spin technique, which began with Seth being confused and ended by Seth being still confused but also the recipient of the Ultimate Wedgie -- a move perfected by Hoying on recent trips to China. Seth winced in pain and watched as his boxers were ripped right off his body (the second time he'd endured such a circumstance in less than a week, but that's another story altogether)... Hoying closed the gap to 13 15/32 to 11 17/32 (one judge was unwilling to commit a full point for this attack).
Then, L Rod disappeared, no doubt for a wardrobe change. He appeared moments later, primed and ready to go in his pink button down, tucked in of course - a surprise to many onlookers who expected to see his shirt of a thousand birds. But not this time. Hoying stood at attention but couldn't react quick enough. Splat. He was hit in the face by some "product" (hair stuff) and then by another "product" (Seth's left elbow). The Power of Pink had prevailed.
L-Rod wins 16 15/32 to 11 17/32, making it 3 straight upset victories in the UFC. He advances to meet the winner of our next battle:
#6 Jason "J2 The Silencer" Voorhees versus #11 Mark "of Darkness" Barry
Hit REPLY to this note or shoot an email to rawlingsufc@gmail.com
and, tell your kids to play it cool. don't play with fire.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Double Dose Monday - Naber vs Scheele
Every year there is a 12 seed that comes out of nowhere to blast away a 5-seed. It has to happen, like some crazy law of averages. This year in the UFC we’ve only had one 5/12 battle, won by the five seed (Ryan Farrar) over the 12th-seeded Mick Portell. Could this be the underdog victory?
Lindsey came into work early this morning. She dusted off her family photo album (young kids might call it a Steve Garvey trading card collection) and sat at her desk, confident and ready (up 2-0). Meanwhile, her assistant, Manyard “Magic” Johnson hovered. He sat out on Highway 141, hazard lights on, binoculars out, searching, waiting to see
But
Meanwhile he had called Lindsey to inform her that the Rawlings Gold Glove banner in the lobby was coming down. (+3 points for causing a momentary panic) Lindsey rushed into the lobby just in time to see Scheele leap from his balcony slot to the far wall where he pulled the banner from its resting point and, in a single motion, rolled Lindsey into a Rawlings Gold Glove Burrito, rendering her motionless as he took a 10-6 lead. Too bad for him Lindsey had her (or maybe it was an extra) Rawlings Green Team mug on her – these mugs are much more effective than Styrofoam cups at inflicting pain with a smack to the head… The battle was tied at 10 apiece as the Hotmail/morning vote ended.
Then, something happened. Naber went off. It’s what best should be called a POP attack. It has worked in stores to sway an on-the-fence consumer to buy Rawlings. It’s worked to educate. Or, in the case of the screaming picture of Jeff “Blinding White Light”
Interesting Steve Garvey factoid: He is one of only 2 players to have started in an All-Star Game as a write in vote. (done in 1974)
Today’s matchup: #3 Brian “The Next Big Thing” Hoying vs. #14 “
And do the cool thing. If you have to play, please don’t do so with fire.
Double dose monday - Cruz vs Hilson
#4 Curtis Cruz “Control” vs. #13 Ron “100% Silky Cotton” Hilson
This was an interesting day for UFC fans. Not only did it pack a double punch of good old fashioned dragon slaying, but it allowed us to clearly see a difference in demographics. Which combatant would carry the early vote (those who replied to the hotmail email account)? And which carried the afternoon vote (those who hit reply and voted through Gmail?)
Well, one might think that time plays no factor in the life of Curtis Cruz “Control”. The man has shown a willingness to take to the fields at any and all hours of the day or night, earning pet nicknames from his peers such as Crack, SpeedBall, and Magic Pony (don’t ask). But how would he match up against the man recently named as a Rawlings All Star of the month? Perhaps we should best look at this as not just a battle of grit, but rather as a battle of belts. Black belts, that is. Curtis earned one for his years of Jiu-Jitso training, Ron built one into the Panda Express Uniform plus he can get one made up for you with a really quick turnaround. This one’s feeling too tough to call…
Now, for those of you who aren’t aware, there are some crazy things going on out in our tech center. You’ve got a renegade fight club, at least two employees (Becky Shaw and Jeremy O’Hara) playing hockey before they get married, there’s a robot that hits things all day and a temp that is paid to feed it. Plus Biju Mathew has a broken elbow. Curtis took an early edge of 3-0 simply by the reputation that his home dojo brought into this battle.
But then we get to Hilson. Working from a cubicle that is basically an island surrounded by interns gets him going early each day. Then he has to deal with outfitting every Best Buy computer technician to a precise fit. (and if you haven’t seen those kids, let’s just say that they’re not a one-size-fits-all lot). Hilson’s refusal to back down puts us at a 3-3 tie.
They met in the apparel war room (fittingly named by Hilson one afternoon as he ripped Matt Bensing’s planning calendar off his wall and tore it into little tiny pieces. Curtis attacked first, coming in with a leg sweep that, while jittery was effective in taking down the lanky Hilson, knocking over a rack of Buffalo Wild Wings jerseys in the process and forcing Ron to retaliate. He did so visually, by outfitting himself in the Inferno (Style IF-5 for those of you scoring at home). This polo from Hilton’s Speed Zone line definitely lets you see in an instant that the wearer of the shirt means business. So while the morning turnout was a bit low, it was equal as these two warriors locked in a 6-6 draw.
The afternoon saw a series of lead changes, and outfit changes. For every attack that Curtis delivered, Ron had a response. Cruz downed a Jolt Cola (up 9-6) and hit Hilson with a series of questions (now up 12-8) hurled at a pace that many an on-looker stood in awe (make that 13-8). Hilson slowed things down a bit (13-10) putting on a Pit Crew pullover (13-12 – style H42-3) as he went to work on the midsection of Cruz. The final raspberry he delivered pulled Hilson ahead 17-12. Cruz went for one final caffeine run, slamming a Dew (17-14), breaking the can on his head (17-16 Hilson, with a -1 to Adam Shupe for his can crusher being un-used). But it wouldn’t be enough. Hilson just had too many outfits to change into, delivering a victory and a new nickname. Ron “
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Pamm Pamm versus the Chief
Robert "The Chief" Parish had a hall of fame career. For 20, yes, that's right TWENTY years he had logged over 70 games and 1,000 minutes of pulverizing, relentless, dirty, sweaty, hardnosed play on the courts. He had elbowed his way into 1,568 games and played 29 minutes per game, leading him to wear very unfashionable (but color-coordinated) knee braces. Then, he decided to come back for one more season at the age of 43 with Chicago. And that wasn't a season to remember as he appeared in only 43 games, playing only 9 minutes per game. He was but a shadow of the once proud center, clearly unable to hang with the young folks and hung up the knee pads for good.
Fast forward to now.... or just before now.
It was obvious from seeing Robert pacing himself with co-UFC author and soon to be married "Crystal" Seth Elrod that both those men were on a mission. Seth needed to fit into his tux. But Robert needed to prove he still had it. That he was still able to compete at the level of domination last displayed in inter-family wrestling matches he and John used to have in their Tennessee family room.
Parish appeared at the offices early on Friday, clad in one of John's old wrestling singlets (bright green, of course) along with a pair of khakis, freshly ironed. Both were hidden beneath his old basketball snap up pants and warmup suit. He grabbed a cup of coffee and began to pace quickly near the west corridor entrance from which his prey, Klostermann likes to enter, doing a set of defensive slides, keeping his legs bent slightly as he glided along the hallway. This level of preparation allowed Parish to garner an early 3-0 lead.
Then the door opened with a Pam. As in Pamm Pamm to be more precise.
Klostermann entered, snickered as she saw Parish in his warmup suit and full defensive position and passed by him with a quick crossover step last seen when Farrar made an appearance on the basketball courts of Maryville. Parish appeared a step slow and lost his early advantage, leaving the score knotted at 3-3.
Pamm Pamm had now reached her work area and she climbed to the top of her chair with one leg while she began to use her other leg to pick up speed and momentum. Parish closed in, delicately ripping away his warmup pants to reveal his Battle Khakis. They snapped to attention. Unfortunately for Parish, so did he. As he became a victim of the Angry Tornado. For those of you who haven't witnessed it, this is when an office employee gets so riled up in their chair that they literally begin to spin in a circle at top speed delivering a smack to anything nearby... which in this case happened to be the face of Parish, angrily unable to get out of his defensive stance. If those years of mentally preparing while watching survivor man had taught him anything, it was to not allow the elements to get to you. You must stand tall. You must play loose. But the Angry Tornado began to stir, delivering a series of painful memories and leading Pamm Pamm to an 8-3 lead.
(As a side note, Pamm Pamm likes to do her work to crowds of onlookers chanting out P--A--N, P--A,--N). This is now the ringer on her cell phone which rang several times during the tornado, adding additional complications to the sensory overload the Chief was feeling as he fell behind 10-3.
But, Parish was not about to allow his family to suffer two defeats in a span of 3 days. And, for those who aren't familiar with it, Parish has a patented quick, pulverizingly powerful drop step move. And deliver it he did, taking that quick step and leaping in the air, hanging on the (imaginary) rim for what seemed like minutes before forcefully shattering the back (board) of Klostermann. Momentum halted. Every team knows they need a big man to take the pressure off, slow down the pace, and intimidate the competition. Parish's rim rocking maneuver tightened the gap to 10-8.
Pam had to take a phone call. Parish would have to wait, and think about his next steps as Pam gave him the finger (no, not that finger) as if to say "Don't worry, I'll get to you in one minute." Irritated, Parish fell behind 13-8.
Parish thought about his training in Costa Rica. Here's an excerpt I was able to find online regarding what he must have been doing while there:
"A Costa Rican getaway - as far removed from everyday living as you can imagine: lush rainforests and deserted tropical beaches. Marooned on Costa Rica's Osa Peninsula, he has only a few items to aid him for the next 7 days: swimming goggles, 3 ballpoint pens, a multi-tool and the clothing on his back. On top of the keeping hydrated in the intense humidity and relentless heat, he must cope with deadly snakes, enormous spiders, land-crabs and scorpions."
Wow, sounds scary to me. That level of preparation is unheard of in a UFC where #1 seeds can "forget" they are battling until afternoon. Parish's time in Costa Rica could only help him, although he came to this battle decidedly under prepared - no swimming goggles, only 1 ballpoint pen, no multi-tool, but extra clothing. Preparation can help you or hurt you, leaving us at a score of 15-11 Klostermann.
Parish sat in his defensive stance watching Pam as she finished her phone call. His legs were beginning to ache - could be the years of service, could be the dehydration, could be the crazy bugs that have appeared in our office, or it might be that running with Elrod - I'm not sure. But he appeared a bit wobbly... and then it became clear. Pamm Pamm was not actually on the phone. The classic "Psych" maneuver she had learned from her kids. As Parish continued to wobble, Klostermann seezed the moment, running head down right through Parish. He should have moved to take the charge but couldn't. It was too late. Pamm Pamm delivered the final blow, knocking Parish to the side as the crowds chanted....
Pamm Pamm wins 19-13 and advances to a showdown with #1 "Home" Ron Kapp Off on 8/22.
Up next: Double Dose Monday!
Vote for BOTH matchups:
#4 Curtis Cruz vs. #13 Ron "100% silky cotton" Hilson
#5 Brian Scheele vs. #12 Lindsey "MVP74" Naber
email your votes to rawlingsufc@hotmail.com.
And, please, do the cool thing. Don't play with fire!
Fast forward to now.... or just before now.
It was obvious from seeing Robert pacing himself with co-UFC author and soon to be married "Crystal" Seth Elrod that both those men were on a mission. Seth needed to fit into his tux. But Robert needed to prove he still had it. That he was still able to compete at the level of domination last displayed in inter-family wrestling matches he and John used to have in their Tennessee family room.
Parish appeared at the offices early on Friday, clad in one of John's old wrestling singlets (bright green, of course) along with a pair of khakis, freshly ironed. Both were hidden beneath his old basketball snap up pants and warmup suit. He grabbed a cup of coffee and began to pace quickly near the west corridor entrance from which his prey, Klostermann likes to enter, doing a set of defensive slides, keeping his legs bent slightly as he glided along the hallway. This level of preparation allowed Parish to garner an early 3-0 lead.
Then the door opened with a Pam. As in Pamm Pamm to be more precise.
Klostermann entered, snickered as she saw Parish in his warmup suit and full defensive position and passed by him with a quick crossover step last seen when Farrar made an appearance on the basketball courts of Maryville. Parish appeared a step slow and lost his early advantage, leaving the score knotted at 3-3.
Pamm Pamm had now reached her work area and she climbed to the top of her chair with one leg while she began to use her other leg to pick up speed and momentum. Parish closed in, delicately ripping away his warmup pants to reveal his Battle Khakis. They snapped to attention. Unfortunately for Parish, so did he. As he became a victim of the Angry Tornado. For those of you who haven't witnessed it, this is when an office employee gets so riled up in their chair that they literally begin to spin in a circle at top speed delivering a smack to anything nearby... which in this case happened to be the face of Parish, angrily unable to get out of his defensive stance. If those years of mentally preparing while watching survivor man had taught him anything, it was to not allow the elements to get to you. You must stand tall. You must play loose. But the Angry Tornado began to stir, delivering a series of painful memories and leading Pamm Pamm to an 8-3 lead.
(As a side note, Pamm Pamm likes to do her work to crowds of onlookers chanting out P--A--N, P--A,--N). This is now the ringer on her cell phone which rang several times during the tornado, adding additional complications to the sensory overload the Chief was feeling as he fell behind 10-3.
But, Parish was not about to allow his family to suffer two defeats in a span of 3 days. And, for those who aren't familiar with it, Parish has a patented quick, pulverizingly powerful drop step move. And deliver it he did, taking that quick step and leaping in the air, hanging on the (imaginary) rim for what seemed like minutes before forcefully shattering the back (board) of Klostermann. Momentum halted. Every team knows they need a big man to take the pressure off, slow down the pace, and intimidate the competition. Parish's rim rocking maneuver tightened the gap to 10-8.
Pam had to take a phone call. Parish would have to wait, and think about his next steps as Pam gave him the finger (no, not that finger) as if to say "Don't worry, I'll get to you in one minute." Irritated, Parish fell behind 13-8.
Parish thought about his training in Costa Rica. Here's an excerpt I was able to find online regarding what he must have been doing while there:
"A Costa Rican getaway - as far removed from everyday living as you can imagine: lush rainforests and deserted tropical beaches. Marooned on Costa Rica's Osa Peninsula, he has only a few items to aid him for the next 7 days: swimming goggles, 3 ballpoint pens, a multi-tool and the clothing on his back. On top of the keeping hydrated in the intense humidity and relentless heat, he must cope with deadly snakes, enormous spiders, land-crabs and scorpions."
Wow, sounds scary to me. That level of preparation is unheard of in a UFC where #1 seeds can "forget" they are battling until afternoon. Parish's time in Costa Rica could only help him, although he came to this battle decidedly under prepared - no swimming goggles, only 1 ballpoint pen, no multi-tool, but extra clothing. Preparation can help you or hurt you, leaving us at a score of 15-11 Klostermann.
Parish sat in his defensive stance watching Pam as she finished her phone call. His legs were beginning to ache - could be the years of service, could be the dehydration, could be the crazy bugs that have appeared in our office, or it might be that running with Elrod - I'm not sure. But he appeared a bit wobbly... and then it became clear. Pamm Pamm was not actually on the phone. The classic "Psych" maneuver she had learned from her kids. As Parish continued to wobble, Klostermann seezed the moment, running head down right through Parish. He should have moved to take the charge but couldn't. It was too late. Pamm Pamm delivered the final blow, knocking Parish to the side as the crowds chanted....
Pamm Pamm wins 19-13 and advances to a showdown with #1 "Home" Ron Kapp Off on 8/22.
Up next: Double Dose Monday!
Vote for BOTH matchups:
#4 Curtis Cruz vs. #13 Ron "100% silky cotton" Hilson
#5 Brian Scheele vs. #12 Lindsey "MVP74" Naber
email your votes to rawlingsufc@hotmail.com.
And, please, do the cool thing. Don't play with fire!
Friday, July 20, 2007
You want a piece of this?
If you expect to make it to the UFC finals, you'll have to go through #1 seed in the rio region "home" ron kappauff. Think you're ready? Well, ask yourself this question:
How many newcomer of the year awards have you won?
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Top Seeded Kappauff takes on the HR team
Today's contest was both a battle of minds and a battle of feet. A war of will, that unfortunately can sometimes be an iron will. Oh, yes, things were ready for today's battle between #16 seed "Marga" Rita Carel and #1 seed "Home" Ron Kapp-Off.
Rita worked diligently in the wee hours of the morning preparing for battle with her sidekicks (reportedly Sharon "The First Lady of Hard Core" Adams and Debbie "Pay Role" Hudgens, although to be honest there is rampant UFC speculation for just who resides in the "spare" offices in this side wing of the company.)
For now, let's just say the three of them came up with what we know in the UFC as a solid plan. Let's check in to see how it fared:
First, they re-wrote the Employee Handbook. Some clauses were added in, which seemed to limit Kappauff's game. This battle would force Ron to leave his patented ScissorKick Sandman and his Half Garrincha Half FootPlant maneuver at home. Those are no longer welcome at Rawlings, if you read page 47 paragraph 4. Kappauff had no choice but to read each page and sign his agreement, giving Carel an early 5-0 lead. But Carel was not prepared for what happened next. Despite urgent follow up emails, Kappauff did not return the form. This move, known to soccer freaks (and, if you didn't know, Ron was Maryville University's Newcomer of the Year a lot more recently than you!) is known as a "Stall" Technique. Carel grew more anxious, Kappauff did nothing. The score was tied at 5-5. With each passing second, Carel became more anxious. She sent Ron an email. Nothing. Kappauff led 8-5.
This was getting impossible. So Rita decided to try a painful HR technique first introduced by Phil Collins in 1986 as the "Land of Confusion" (ironically also found on his album entitled Invisible Touch). Rita scrambled to get her team together. That's right, it was time to bring out the big guns. It was time for Kappauff to revisit his W2 form. Just how many deductions did he need to claim? He's a new homeowner, after all. And does he need to enroll in the Flexible Spending plan? That might cover him should he need to buy some Ibuprofen to cure his UFC battle fatigue, after all. These would have to be completed right away, after all. Rita marched over with such force last seen in our offices when Dan "My brother is the best eye doctor in Missouri" Cullinane ran a cart through a wall. She climbed to the top of Brian Hoying's desk, leapt in the air and delivered the paperwork in a wipple of pain onto Kappauff's desk. Rita took the lead 9-8. Kappauff was stunned.
Rita rippled the papers again, blowing Kappauff's hair ever so gently. But suddenly, down from the sky fell a draft known to those in the tech center as Wes "Padre del Pato" Lukash delivering his Teardrop from Heaven maneuver, sending a storm through the office. As he left for another voyage west. Rita flew back to her office to regroup.
Kappauff had enough. He needed inspiration. He stood up in his cube, slapped his Newcomer of the Year plaque for good luck and set off for the HR wing. And this, my fellow UFC fans, is what makes a 1-seed a 1-seed. It is that ability to at any point in the match deliver a series of attacks so alarming they can send ripples through the competition. Carel's door was closed when she heard a knock. She got up, eagerly expecting that signed Employee Handbook. But there was no one at the door.....
No one except a foot encased in a beautiful piece of tan leather. It was a Puma. Speedcat. And Ron had it revved up and purring.
He used a move known as the Super Kick, or to you karate fans, the Yoko Geri. It started with a high side thrust kick with the sole of Ron's foot. Wherever it ended, I'm not sure, but I'm sure it was painful. It was followed by a sidestep (or Crescent kick). Ron finished the move by slapping his thigh, sending a loud echo through the office and warning today's fighters that they should choose wisely if they'd like to win.
Kappauff wins 21-9-1 over Carel (and Lukash) and advances to meet the winner of today's doozy matchup:
#8 Robert "The Chief" Parish versus "Pamm Pamm" Klostermann. Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com.
And do the cool thing. Don't play with fire.
Rita worked diligently in the wee hours of the morning preparing for battle with her sidekicks (reportedly Sharon "The First Lady of Hard Core" Adams and Debbie "Pay Role" Hudgens, although to be honest there is rampant UFC speculation for just who resides in the "spare" offices in this side wing of the company.)
For now, let's just say the three of them came up with what we know in the UFC as a solid plan. Let's check in to see how it fared:
First, they re-wrote the Employee Handbook. Some clauses were added in, which seemed to limit Kappauff's game. This battle would force Ron to leave his patented ScissorKick Sandman and his Half Garrincha Half FootPlant maneuver at home. Those are no longer welcome at Rawlings, if you read page 47 paragraph 4. Kappauff had no choice but to read each page and sign his agreement, giving Carel an early 5-0 lead. But Carel was not prepared for what happened next. Despite urgent follow up emails, Kappauff did not return the form. This move, known to soccer freaks (and, if you didn't know, Ron was Maryville University's Newcomer of the Year a lot more recently than you!) is known as a "Stall" Technique. Carel grew more anxious, Kappauff did nothing. The score was tied at 5-5. With each passing second, Carel became more anxious. She sent Ron an email. Nothing. Kappauff led 8-5.
This was getting impossible. So Rita decided to try a painful HR technique first introduced by Phil Collins in 1986 as the "Land of Confusion" (ironically also found on his album entitled Invisible Touch). Rita scrambled to get her team together. That's right, it was time to bring out the big guns. It was time for Kappauff to revisit his W2 form. Just how many deductions did he need to claim? He's a new homeowner, after all. And does he need to enroll in the Flexible Spending plan? That might cover him should he need to buy some Ibuprofen to cure his UFC battle fatigue, after all. These would have to be completed right away, after all. Rita marched over with such force last seen in our offices when Dan "My brother is the best eye doctor in Missouri" Cullinane ran a cart through a wall. She climbed to the top of Brian Hoying's desk, leapt in the air and delivered the paperwork in a wipple of pain onto Kappauff's desk. Rita took the lead 9-8. Kappauff was stunned.
Rita rippled the papers again, blowing Kappauff's hair ever so gently. But suddenly, down from the sky fell a draft known to those in the tech center as Wes "Padre del Pato" Lukash delivering his Teardrop from Heaven maneuver, sending a storm through the office. As he left for another voyage west. Rita flew back to her office to regroup.
Kappauff had enough. He needed inspiration. He stood up in his cube, slapped his Newcomer of the Year plaque for good luck and set off for the HR wing. And this, my fellow UFC fans, is what makes a 1-seed a 1-seed. It is that ability to at any point in the match deliver a series of attacks so alarming they can send ripples through the competition. Carel's door was closed when she heard a knock. She got up, eagerly expecting that signed Employee Handbook. But there was no one at the door.....
No one except a foot encased in a beautiful piece of tan leather. It was a Puma. Speedcat. And Ron had it revved up and purring.
He used a move known as the Super Kick, or to you karate fans, the Yoko Geri. It started with a high side thrust kick with the sole of Ron's foot. Wherever it ended, I'm not sure, but I'm sure it was painful. It was followed by a sidestep (or Crescent kick). Ron finished the move by slapping his thigh, sending a loud echo through the office and warning today's fighters that they should choose wisely if they'd like to win.
Kappauff wins 21-9-1 over Carel (and Lukash) and advances to meet the winner of today's doozy matchup:
#8 Robert "The Chief" Parish versus "Pamm Pamm" Klostermann. Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com.
And do the cool thing. Don't play with fire.
Keene fights more than just Bensing
Thanks Greg for one more commentary!
Keene sucker punched Bensing, and the fight was over. 11-10
Or was it?
As Keene climbed atop the winner’s podium, a faint rumbling could be heard in the distance, slowly growing louder. It sounded like thunder, felt like an earthquake, and was accompanied by some type of music. Bystanders uneasily looked around, confused at first and then cringed as it became clear that the music was unmistakably the song, “It’s Raining Men,” a fact that could mean only one thing…and there they were. Around the corner came sprinting (more like jogging in slow motion--Baywatch style) the infamous members of El Tech Lucha Libre (also known as the Mixed Martial Arts InterOffice Fight Club—the UFC’s rival organization based out of the Tech Center. As a refresher, members include Bob “Chorizo” Neaus, Mark “Codo que Estalla” Robinson, Wes “Padre del Pato” Lukash, and Chad “Papel Flojo” Caldwell). The warriors were clad from head to toe in colorful spandex and had recently added gold capes and masks to their ensemble, making them even more ferocious looking than ever as they stood proudly at the foot of the winner’s podium.
Huffing and puffing from their sprint down the hallway, El Tech Lucha Libre spent a few moments regrouping. Neaus sucked on his inhaler, Robinson took a quick cat nap, Caldwell found a mirror in which to admire himself, and Lukash ate a hotdog. As Lukash wiped the last bit of mustard from his face, the group reassembled and put on their best mean faces.
Though surely frightened, Keene was not yet willing to forfeit his place on the winner’s podium, and he beckoned for the fearsome warriors to proceed.
After a quick huddle El Tech Lucha Libre decided on a plan.
Robinson struck first. Taking a running start, he leapt into the air, and did his best attempt at a flying roundhouse kick to knock Keene off the podium. He likely saw it going differently in his mind as the end result could be more closely described as him awkwardly hurtling the podium, flailing his arms, and crashing down the stairs. Robinson’s contribution ended as he stood up and split open the seat of his spandex. He hung his head and dejectedly trudged toward the bathroom to fix his costume.
Next in line, Caldwell adjusted his cape before sprinting down the hall, away from the action, stunning the crowd with his cowardliness (he later claimed he had some bat testing to get to...).
After rolling his eyes, Neus quickly gobbled some steroids and jumped into the action looking for trouble. He didn’t have to look long, as he promptly tripped on his cape, hit his head on the podium and fell unconscious.
It looked like it would be up to Lukash to salvage any pride El Tech Lucha Libre had left. With his belly peaking out from between his spandex uppers and lowers, Wes charged in for the kill. What followed next included perhaps some of the largest innovations in the history of organized fighting. Lukash pulled out all sorts of never before seen wrestling moves including the 'upside down merry-go-round', the 'Zanzabar elephant shuffle', the 'flying snow angel', and a crowd favorite, the 'double dutch two-step'. Clearly Wes had been spending a good deal of time practicing on Biju as his technique was flawless. Keene tried to fight back, but was helpless against Lukash’s indefensible maneuvers.
Lukash quickly finished off Keene, grabbing the victory as well as a hard earned spot in the UFC.
Your winner by tremendous upset (sure to cause a stir in the UFC): Wes Lukash (with 12 points) narrowly edges out Keene (11) and Bensing (10).
A little info on your very own Wes Lukash:
Favorite movie: Fantasia
Favorite spectator sport: Carnivals
Favorite book: Mary-Kate and Ashley: Our Story
Hobbies: clicking internet pop-ups
Favorite exercise: jogging in place
Biggest Crush: Joan Cusack
Favorite food: jelly beans, but not the green ones
Phobia: parallel parking, urinals
Keene sucker punched Bensing, and the fight was over. 11-10
Or was it?
As Keene climbed atop the winner’s podium, a faint rumbling could be heard in the distance, slowly growing louder. It sounded like thunder, felt like an earthquake, and was accompanied by some type of music. Bystanders uneasily looked around, confused at first and then cringed as it became clear that the music was unmistakably the song, “It’s Raining Men,” a fact that could mean only one thing…and there they were. Around the corner came sprinting (more like jogging in slow motion--Baywatch style) the infamous members of El Tech Lucha Libre (also known as the Mixed Martial Arts InterOffice Fight Club—the UFC’s rival organization based out of the Tech Center. As a refresher, members include Bob “Chorizo” Neaus, Mark “Codo que Estalla” Robinson, Wes “Padre del Pato” Lukash, and Chad “Papel Flojo” Caldwell). The warriors were clad from head to toe in colorful spandex and had recently added gold capes and masks to their ensemble, making them even more ferocious looking than ever as they stood proudly at the foot of the winner’s podium.
Huffing and puffing from their sprint down the hallway, El Tech Lucha Libre spent a few moments regrouping. Neaus sucked on his inhaler, Robinson took a quick cat nap, Caldwell found a mirror in which to admire himself, and Lukash ate a hotdog. As Lukash wiped the last bit of mustard from his face, the group reassembled and put on their best mean faces.
Though surely frightened, Keene was not yet willing to forfeit his place on the winner’s podium, and he beckoned for the fearsome warriors to proceed.
After a quick huddle El Tech Lucha Libre decided on a plan.
Robinson struck first. Taking a running start, he leapt into the air, and did his best attempt at a flying roundhouse kick to knock Keene off the podium. He likely saw it going differently in his mind as the end result could be more closely described as him awkwardly hurtling the podium, flailing his arms, and crashing down the stairs. Robinson’s contribution ended as he stood up and split open the seat of his spandex. He hung his head and dejectedly trudged toward the bathroom to fix his costume.
Next in line, Caldwell adjusted his cape before sprinting down the hall, away from the action, stunning the crowd with his cowardliness (he later claimed he had some bat testing to get to...).
After rolling his eyes, Neus quickly gobbled some steroids and jumped into the action looking for trouble. He didn’t have to look long, as he promptly tripped on his cape, hit his head on the podium and fell unconscious.
It looked like it would be up to Lukash to salvage any pride El Tech Lucha Libre had left. With his belly peaking out from between his spandex uppers and lowers, Wes charged in for the kill. What followed next included perhaps some of the largest innovations in the history of organized fighting. Lukash pulled out all sorts of never before seen wrestling moves including the 'upside down merry-go-round', the 'Zanzabar elephant shuffle', the 'flying snow angel', and a crowd favorite, the 'double dutch two-step'. Clearly Wes had been spending a good deal of time practicing on Biju as his technique was flawless. Keene tried to fight back, but was helpless against Lukash’s indefensible maneuvers.
Lukash quickly finished off Keene, grabbing the victory as well as a hard earned spot in the UFC.
Your winner by tremendous upset (sure to cause a stir in the UFC): Wes Lukash (with 12 points) narrowly edges out Keene (11) and Bensing (10).
A little info on your very own Wes Lukash:
Favorite movie: Fantasia
Favorite spectator sport: Carnivals
Favorite book: Mary-Kate and Ashley: Our Story
Hobbies: clicking internet pop-ups
Favorite exercise: jogging in place
Biggest Crush: Joan Cusack
Favorite food: jelly beans, but not the green ones
Phobia: parallel parking, urinals
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Another vice presidential beating
Becky Shaw vs. John Parish... courtesy of reporter Greg Williams:
It began like any other normal day in the office...quiet and peaceful. Not because our two fighters weren’t eager enough, but perhaps because they were too eager.
Excited to prove the worthiness of her home office, the underrepresented Tech Center, Becky had risen early to prepare for battle. She went to the main office, crawled through the air duct and was waiting impatiently in the ceiling above Parish’s office for her unsuspecting adversary to arrive.
Parish too had woken early but had driven directly to the Tech Center where he concealed himself stealthily in a supply closet with the same idea. He had been there since dawn, and the anticipation was beginning to nag at him (mostly because he had he had downed an entire thermos of coffee, and had been doing the pee dance for the better part of an hour).
Meanwhile back at the main office, just below Becky’s hiding place in the ceiling, the door slowly opened. Without hesitation, Shaw crashed through the ceiling. This surely would have been an effective move against Parish had it not been for the fact that she had incorrectly staked out a position over the cafeteria instead of his office (-1 point). Becky and a pile of debris landed on none other than our beloved chef Sherman who screamed like a little girl (-1 point), soiled himself (-1 point), and finally resorted to crying (-1 point) in the fetal position (-1 point).
This unfortunate incident gave John “pee dancing” Parish a commanding lead over Becky and Sherman: 0, -1, -4 respectively.
Becky made amends with Sherman, explained that she must have taken a wrong turn in the air duct, and proceeded to order breakfast (+3 points for Sherman for his forgive and forget attitude).
By now, it was mid morning at the Tech Center, and Parish had finally decided to give up waiting (-1 point). He forfeited his stakeout in the closet, and could be seen sprinting through the warehouse toward the bathroom. Frustrated, and more motivated for carnage than ever, he jumped in his car and sped back to the main office. By this point in the day, Parish’s unnecessary driving had resulted in who knows how many pounds of carbon dioxide, chloro fluoro carbon emissions, etc in the atmosphere (probably at least 90 billion according to Andy’s calculation). This was a slap in the face to Mother Nature (and -1 point for the Rawlings Green Team).
The score was all tied up,
Parish: -1
Becky: -1
Rawlings Green Team: -1
Sherman: -1
and it was clear that the crap was about to hit the fan.
By the time the Parish arrived back at the main office, Becky was eating breakfast and having an all around good time talking to Sherman. Sherman’s cheerfulness soon turned to dismay as Parish darted in and threw a table through his salad bar. “Hey man!, Cafeteria’s for payin’ customers only!” Sherman shouted but Parish didn’t hear. He was already doubled over from Becky’s swift retaliation move, the mustard bottle squirt in the eye (+1 point).
Parish soon recovered and was advancing toward Becky with plastic cutlery in each hand, flinging them like throwing knives. One of the plastic spoons caught her just above the eye (+ 1 point for Parish) and left her with a minor scratch.
Not wanting to take anymore abuse, Becky dove over the counter narrowly avoiding yesterday’s leftover sausage patties (which Sherman was in the process of turning into today’s meatloaf), and Parish followed. Becky went hockey style on Parish, cross checking him into the dish washer (+6 points) while Parish answered by hitting her over the head with the refrigerator (+ 7 points).
Becky grabbed a bag of doorknobs that Sherman had under the counter and promptly went to town on Parish (+4 points). Parish tried one last ditch attempt for a comeback and threw some of Sherman’s special spice in Becky’s eyes. The move might have worked against any regular Maryville Office employees, but Becky was following Tech Center protocol and was wearing her safety glasses (+1 point). She ended the fight by dunking Parish in the Fry-O-Lator (+1 point) and then mopped the floor with him to Sherman’s approval (+2 points).
Final Score:
Becky: 14
Parish: 7
Rawlings Green Team: -1
Sherman: Priceless
Cast your vote for today's fight: #2 Keene v. #15 Bensing at RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
It began like any other normal day in the office...quiet and peaceful. Not because our two fighters weren’t eager enough, but perhaps because they were too eager.
Excited to prove the worthiness of her home office, the underrepresented Tech Center, Becky had risen early to prepare for battle. She went to the main office, crawled through the air duct and was waiting impatiently in the ceiling above Parish’s office for her unsuspecting adversary to arrive.
Parish too had woken early but had driven directly to the Tech Center where he concealed himself stealthily in a supply closet with the same idea. He had been there since dawn, and the anticipation was beginning to nag at him (mostly because he had he had downed an entire thermos of coffee, and had been doing the pee dance for the better part of an hour).
Meanwhile back at the main office, just below Becky’s hiding place in the ceiling, the door slowly opened. Without hesitation, Shaw crashed through the ceiling. This surely would have been an effective move against Parish had it not been for the fact that she had incorrectly staked out a position over the cafeteria instead of his office (-1 point). Becky and a pile of debris landed on none other than our beloved chef Sherman who screamed like a little girl (-1 point), soiled himself (-1 point), and finally resorted to crying (-1 point) in the fetal position (-1 point).
This unfortunate incident gave John “pee dancing” Parish a commanding lead over Becky and Sherman: 0, -1, -4 respectively.
Becky made amends with Sherman, explained that she must have taken a wrong turn in the air duct, and proceeded to order breakfast (+3 points for Sherman for his forgive and forget attitude).
By now, it was mid morning at the Tech Center, and Parish had finally decided to give up waiting (-1 point). He forfeited his stakeout in the closet, and could be seen sprinting through the warehouse toward the bathroom. Frustrated, and more motivated for carnage than ever, he jumped in his car and sped back to the main office. By this point in the day, Parish’s unnecessary driving had resulted in who knows how many pounds of carbon dioxide, chloro fluoro carbon emissions, etc in the atmosphere (probably at least 90 billion according to Andy’s calculation). This was a slap in the face to Mother Nature (and -1 point for the Rawlings Green Team).
The score was all tied up,
Parish: -1
Becky: -1
Rawlings Green Team: -1
Sherman: -1
and it was clear that the crap was about to hit the fan.
By the time the Parish arrived back at the main office, Becky was eating breakfast and having an all around good time talking to Sherman. Sherman’s cheerfulness soon turned to dismay as Parish darted in and threw a table through his salad bar. “Hey man!, Cafeteria’s for payin’ customers only!” Sherman shouted but Parish didn’t hear. He was already doubled over from Becky’s swift retaliation move, the mustard bottle squirt in the eye (+1 point).
Parish soon recovered and was advancing toward Becky with plastic cutlery in each hand, flinging them like throwing knives. One of the plastic spoons caught her just above the eye (+ 1 point for Parish) and left her with a minor scratch.
Not wanting to take anymore abuse, Becky dove over the counter narrowly avoiding yesterday’s leftover sausage patties (which Sherman was in the process of turning into today’s meatloaf), and Parish followed. Becky went hockey style on Parish, cross checking him into the dish washer (+6 points) while Parish answered by hitting her over the head with the refrigerator (+ 7 points).
Becky grabbed a bag of doorknobs that Sherman had under the counter and promptly went to town on Parish (+4 points). Parish tried one last ditch attempt for a comeback and threw some of Sherman’s special spice in Becky’s eyes. The move might have worked against any regular Maryville Office employees, but Becky was following Tech Center protocol and was wearing her safety glasses (+1 point). She ended the fight by dunking Parish in the Fry-O-Lator (+1 point) and then mopped the floor with him to Sherman’s approval (+2 points).
Final Score:
Becky: 14
Parish: 7
Rawlings Green Team: -1
Sherman: Priceless
Cast your vote for today's fight: #2 Keene v. #15 Bensing at RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
UFC Double Dose Monday - Ted vs. Mike
This is the UFC fight between two of the Greatest Rawlings has ever seen. They thought of Rawlings one night while drinking and decided to run with it. They invented it, manufactured it, marketed it, sold it, and made it the organization it is today. Text books even say that MLB actually stands for:
M – Mike
L – Led (they meant to write Ted, but they were drinking when they came up with the acronym)
B – Baseball
You guessed it, today’s battle features Mike “Gamer” Thompson and Ted “Teddy Ballgamer” Sizemore. It’s no coincidence that both of their nicknames have Gamer in the title. They invented baseball, the glove, bat, bases, the league, and everything else that has to do with baseball….even the Cool-flo helmet. They also stitched the first Rawlings Patch when Sizemore ripped a hole in his britches from sliding into second.
Their UFC fight started while they were arguing over who gets the most chicks. Here are some other highlights from the fight:
Thompson gives Teddy some false promises and tricks him into buying and extra cup of coffee (of which Thompson then spills in the lap of Ted)
Ted smacks Mike in the face with his Rookie of the Year trophy
Mike straps on his vintage boxing gloves (that he also invented) and punched Ted in the stomach, then the jaw.
Ted yells for Kate, Barb, and Liz
Mike pauses to shake a hand and kiss a baby
Ted calls a timeout to take the curlers out of his hair (that he also invented) and pressed them against Mike’s face
Mike shops on ebay for something else he invented and gives it to Ted as a gift (it was a hand grenade and it exploded in Teddy’s face…ouch)
Ted acts like he’s talking on his phone to distract Mike and steps on his toe
Mike loses Ted….he was up in Howard’s office
Ted says, “Allllllriiiiight”
Mike asks Jean to please fight off Kate, Barb, and Liz (who Ted had called for earlier….probably for backup)
Jean does so and then stuffs cardinals tickets in their mouth
Mike and Ted invent something else (it will come out in the year 2021….its light years ahead of its time and its patented, so don’t try and steel it)
Ted and Mike mutually agree to stop this fighting, “we’re friends, not foes”
They then reminisce about the time they invented Chuck Norris
That’s pretty much how the fight went. There were a couple more sly moves by Thompson in there, but I pretty much covered it. At one point they actually did get their names mixed up and Ted signed an autograph as Ted Thompson and Mike signed an approval as Mike Sizemore……but they got it straightened out later.
Good fight gentlemen (they also invented fighting and the UFC)
The winner of this battle is Ted “ROY” Sizemore. Ted wins 20 to 13 over Thompson. He was later quoted by Sports Illustrated (which he also invented) saying, “Alllllriiiiiight.” Cool, very, very cool. Mike vowed to get that shelf space back with an incentive plan at their next meeting.
Today’s fight features #7 John “Heeeeere’s Johnny” Parish vs #10 Becky “Two turntables and a microphone” Shaw. Send your vote to rawlingsufc@hotmail.com
Ted says, “Do the cool thing. Don't play with fire” and then gives a thumbs up….
M – Mike
L – Led (they meant to write Ted, but they were drinking when they came up with the acronym)
B – Baseball
You guessed it, today’s battle features Mike “Gamer” Thompson and Ted “Teddy Ballgamer” Sizemore. It’s no coincidence that both of their nicknames have Gamer in the title. They invented baseball, the glove, bat, bases, the league, and everything else that has to do with baseball….even the Cool-flo helmet. They also stitched the first Rawlings Patch when Sizemore ripped a hole in his britches from sliding into second.
Their UFC fight started while they were arguing over who gets the most chicks. Here are some other highlights from the fight:
Thompson gives Teddy some false promises and tricks him into buying and extra cup of coffee (of which Thompson then spills in the lap of Ted)
Ted smacks Mike in the face with his Rookie of the Year trophy
Mike straps on his vintage boxing gloves (that he also invented) and punched Ted in the stomach, then the jaw.
Ted yells for Kate, Barb, and Liz
Mike pauses to shake a hand and kiss a baby
Ted calls a timeout to take the curlers out of his hair (that he also invented) and pressed them against Mike’s face
Mike shops on ebay for something else he invented and gives it to Ted as a gift (it was a hand grenade and it exploded in Teddy’s face…ouch)
Ted acts like he’s talking on his phone to distract Mike and steps on his toe
Mike loses Ted….he was up in Howard’s office
Ted says, “Allllllriiiiight”
Mike asks Jean to please fight off Kate, Barb, and Liz (who Ted had called for earlier….probably for backup)
Jean does so and then stuffs cardinals tickets in their mouth
Mike and Ted invent something else (it will come out in the year 2021….its light years ahead of its time and its patented, so don’t try and steel it)
Ted and Mike mutually agree to stop this fighting, “we’re friends, not foes”
They then reminisce about the time they invented Chuck Norris
That’s pretty much how the fight went. There were a couple more sly moves by Thompson in there, but I pretty much covered it. At one point they actually did get their names mixed up and Ted signed an autograph as Ted Thompson and Mike signed an approval as Mike Sizemore……but they got it straightened out later.
Good fight gentlemen (they also invented fighting and the UFC)
The winner of this battle is Ted “ROY” Sizemore. Ted wins 20 to 13 over Thompson. He was later quoted by Sports Illustrated (which he also invented) saying, “Alllllriiiiiight.” Cool, very, very cool. Mike vowed to get that shelf space back with an incentive plan at their next meeting.
Today’s fight features #7 John “Heeeeere’s Johnny” Parish vs #10 Becky “Two turntables and a microphone” Shaw. Send your vote to rawlingsufc@hotmail.com
Ted says, “Do the cool thing. Don't play with fire” and then gives a thumbs up….
UFC Double Dose Monday: France vs. Noser
You love this match up don’t you? I know you do.
Monday’s first battle in the Rawlings UFC was a good one. The contenders were armored, shaved, man-scaped, and pumped. They had actually arranged for the fight to take place in the Maryville Gym, probably something to do with the cheer camp there this week.
When the bell rang (the bell is Bob T. saying “ding” real loud) Jeff “Viva la” France and Jeff “No Nonsense” Noser instantly went after each other; there was no measuring each other up, though they did measure spectator Andy and found that he is actually only 6’6¾” causing the biggest uproar in the UFC since the great wrong email address scam of the Bommarito/Garbe fight.
The first to take a jab was “Freedom Fries” France. He jumped on the treadmill, turned it up to speed 10 (that’s a pace of 6 min / mile for those wondering) and threw Noser’s face onto the machine. That gave him 1 point. Next a flash of light came through the window and took a swipe at Noser. “What was that?” Noser said. Whispers in the crowd confused Noser and all the sudden France used that to take anther hit on Jeff “No Nonsense” Noser. All of the sudden the light appeared again and knocked Noser off his feet. The crowd got louder. France slapped Noser one more time to get another point.
At this point Noser was so confused he couldn’t talk. France put both hands on his waist, stood tall, pushed out his chest and proudly confessed to the group in a Godly voice, “I am Jeff France. The light of which you saw was ‘Jeff of the Light.’ The light of which you will not see is ‘Jeff of the Dark.’ The combination of 3-parts France and 1-part Noser means a certain death for you Mr. Noser.” The crowd erupted with Cheers! (which delighted the cheerleaders in the gym, so they awarded them with a spirit stick. You’re not supposed to drop those btw.)
Score: France 4, France of the Light 2, Noser 0
Though he got off to a slow start, Noser was prepared to the best of his ability. He had a sales sheet, past sales history with sell through, samples, a catalog, pricelist, and charming personality all ready, but those wouldn’t help him here. Noser was awarded one point for being so prepared and then 2 more making France feel bad for not being able to read (he only draws pretty pictures). Score: France 4, Light 2, Noser 3
France and Noser each grabbed a barbell and American Gladiator-ed it across the floor. They traded jabs until they were bruised and sore, taking a break with the score of 10-6-2 (France, Noser, Light). All of the sudden the lights flickered. In the split second time the light was off Noser realized he was hogtied in the corner with a blindfold over his eyes. The crowd was scared. They knew what happened and they didn’t want to see it again…..Jeff of the Dark made an appearance. Score: France 10, Noser 6, Jeff-o-Light 2, Jeff-o-Dark 1.
France took this chance to clean his K-Swisses on Nosers clothing until he managed to untie himself. They Indian wrestled to find a winner and man were they tired by the end. France took the battle from Noser and the wrest of the shades of France.
Final score: “Viva La” France 21, “No you didn’t” Noser 14, Jeff of the Light 3, Jeff of the Dark 1 (Word is that someone happen to capture a photo of Jeff of the Light during the millisecond he was in the room and said that he is even more handsome than the real Jeff France….but that was just J2 and he falls in love easily.)
Jeff of the Light actually encourages you to play with fire kids….its still unsafe, but its also bright….just like him.
Monday’s first battle in the Rawlings UFC was a good one. The contenders were armored, shaved, man-scaped, and pumped. They had actually arranged for the fight to take place in the Maryville Gym, probably something to do with the cheer camp there this week.
When the bell rang (the bell is Bob T. saying “ding” real loud) Jeff “Viva la” France and Jeff “No Nonsense” Noser instantly went after each other; there was no measuring each other up, though they did measure spectator Andy and found that he is actually only 6’6¾” causing the biggest uproar in the UFC since the great wrong email address scam of the Bommarito/Garbe fight.
The first to take a jab was “Freedom Fries” France. He jumped on the treadmill, turned it up to speed 10 (that’s a pace of 6 min / mile for those wondering) and threw Noser’s face onto the machine. That gave him 1 point. Next a flash of light came through the window and took a swipe at Noser. “What was that?” Noser said. Whispers in the crowd confused Noser and all the sudden France used that to take anther hit on Jeff “No Nonsense” Noser. All of the sudden the light appeared again and knocked Noser off his feet. The crowd got louder. France slapped Noser one more time to get another point.
At this point Noser was so confused he couldn’t talk. France put both hands on his waist, stood tall, pushed out his chest and proudly confessed to the group in a Godly voice, “I am Jeff France. The light of which you saw was ‘Jeff of the Light.’ The light of which you will not see is ‘Jeff of the Dark.’ The combination of 3-parts France and 1-part Noser means a certain death for you Mr. Noser.” The crowd erupted with Cheers! (which delighted the cheerleaders in the gym, so they awarded them with a spirit stick. You’re not supposed to drop those btw.)
Score: France 4, France of the Light 2, Noser 0
Though he got off to a slow start, Noser was prepared to the best of his ability. He had a sales sheet, past sales history with sell through, samples, a catalog, pricelist, and charming personality all ready, but those wouldn’t help him here. Noser was awarded one point for being so prepared and then 2 more making France feel bad for not being able to read (he only draws pretty pictures). Score: France 4, Light 2, Noser 3
France and Noser each grabbed a barbell and American Gladiator-ed it across the floor. They traded jabs until they were bruised and sore, taking a break with the score of 10-6-2 (France, Noser, Light). All of the sudden the lights flickered. In the split second time the light was off Noser realized he was hogtied in the corner with a blindfold over his eyes. The crowd was scared. They knew what happened and they didn’t want to see it again…..Jeff of the Dark made an appearance. Score: France 10, Noser 6, Jeff-o-Light 2, Jeff-o-Dark 1.
France took this chance to clean his K-Swisses on Nosers clothing until he managed to untie himself. They Indian wrestled to find a winner and man were they tired by the end. France took the battle from Noser and the wrest of the shades of France.
Final score: “Viva La” France 21, “No you didn’t” Noser 14, Jeff of the Light 3, Jeff of the Dark 1 (Word is that someone happen to capture a photo of Jeff of the Light during the millisecond he was in the room and said that he is even more handsome than the real Jeff France….but that was just J2 and he falls in love easily.)
Jeff of the Light actually encourages you to play with fire kids….its still unsafe, but its also bright….just like him.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Would you two please stop fighting?
This is the Rawlings UFC. No intro needed, you’ve been here before. You will continue reading. Do it.
The first one to the battle was 12th ranked Mick “The Closer” Portell, which really goes against his name. Second was the higher 5 seed, Ryan “Flamer” Farrar….oops, I missed the “throwe” in his nickname, make that Ryan Flamethrower” Farrar. Sorry about that.
The fight started out with mental jabs at each other. Ryan secretly called Mick a name too vulgar to repeat so quietly that nobody could hear it, but he still gained 2 points because it was soooo nasty. Mick’s was a little weaker, but still bad. He thought to himself, that “Farrar sucks, he should have stayed an intern;” earning him one point. Score: Farrar 2, Portell 1. Oooohhhhh, a close one!!
They then mutually agreed that they would take it to the next level and verbally abuse each other. Here’s what they said: Farrar, “You jerk-wad.” Portell, “You hit 5 players in one inning.” That really cut to the core of the Flamethrower to even the score at 3 points each.
You guessed it; the next step was a tickle fight, one level up from verbal abuse. Mick quickly went for Ryan’s armpits, but Farrar made a quick move to Mick’s chicken meat and boy did they giggle. Farrar takes a commanding lead of 5-4 with that tricky move. This went on for a while….whats that all about?
Next step, spitting. This has never been seen in the UFC, but these two are innovators. “Flamethrower” ran to the local grocery store and picked up a watermelon, avoiding most of the cougars in the produce section isle. “The Closer” ran to the freezer and stole some Popsicles from the first floor refrigerator. (Just a side note, stealing is of course against the law and never encouraged outside of the UFC.) Farrar cut open the watermelon and took a huge bite. He tested the wind with his finger and then with blades of grass (that he brought with him b/c they were fighting in the lobby and there’s no grass there). He spit the seeds one-by-one right at Portell. He gained a quick 4 points according to witnesses on the second floor balcony. Mick may have chosen a better weapon, but you have to know how to use something frozen like that. He sucked down two green Popsicles in just a few seconds to really get some saliva going. He took a breath and spit all over Farrar. Mick earns 3 points because Farrar was wearing khakis that had to be dry-cleaned and his spit was obviously green from the Popsicles. Tricky, but Farrar still leads 9-7 and is down $4 for the dry-cleaning bill.
Here comes the next level……slapping. This is also the last level for these two. They took turns smacking each other making sure to keep their arms warm in-between hits with some sweet Rawlings jackets. (They had their shirts off for maximum slap-ability, and for the ladies…you know how they do.) They left handprints all over each other. Painful I’m sure, but it just made me uncomfortable personally. They kept at it until they were completely red, with a smack here and a slap there. You would have thought these two former pitchers (face it guys, your glory days are far behind you) would have worn out by now, but they gave it all they had. The judges rushed in and awarded 8 points to Farrar and 5 to Portell. Farrar wins a good fight (for girls) 17 – 12. Well done boys.
With all the commotion in the lobby, the Verizon security guards rushed into action (meaning they got there after the hour long fight was over). Stubby, Googley-eye, and Slim (yes, that’s their real names) were very disappointed that they woke up and hobbled all the way down there for nothing. The worst part was that nobody had to make awkward small talk before they got on the elevator…and all the Verizon employees made it to work on time.
Tomorrow is a double dose of fighting and boy are they good ones. There are 2 fights each Monday, so vote for one in each. Send your votes to rawlingsufc@hotmail.com
Monday: #3 Jeff France vs #14 Jeff Noser
Monday: #6 Mike Thompson vs #11 Ted Sizemore
The first one to the battle was 12th ranked Mick “The Closer” Portell, which really goes against his name. Second was the higher 5 seed, Ryan “Flamer” Farrar….oops, I missed the “throwe” in his nickname, make that Ryan Flamethrower” Farrar. Sorry about that.
The fight started out with mental jabs at each other. Ryan secretly called Mick a name too vulgar to repeat so quietly that nobody could hear it, but he still gained 2 points because it was soooo nasty. Mick’s was a little weaker, but still bad. He thought to himself, that “Farrar sucks, he should have stayed an intern;” earning him one point. Score: Farrar 2, Portell 1. Oooohhhhh, a close one!!
They then mutually agreed that they would take it to the next level and verbally abuse each other. Here’s what they said: Farrar, “You jerk-wad.” Portell, “You hit 5 players in one inning.” That really cut to the core of the Flamethrower to even the score at 3 points each.
You guessed it; the next step was a tickle fight, one level up from verbal abuse. Mick quickly went for Ryan’s armpits, but Farrar made a quick move to Mick’s chicken meat and boy did they giggle. Farrar takes a commanding lead of 5-4 with that tricky move. This went on for a while….whats that all about?
Next step, spitting. This has never been seen in the UFC, but these two are innovators. “Flamethrower” ran to the local grocery store and picked up a watermelon, avoiding most of the cougars in the produce section isle. “The Closer” ran to the freezer and stole some Popsicles from the first floor refrigerator. (Just a side note, stealing is of course against the law and never encouraged outside of the UFC.) Farrar cut open the watermelon and took a huge bite. He tested the wind with his finger and then with blades of grass (that he brought with him b/c they were fighting in the lobby and there’s no grass there). He spit the seeds one-by-one right at Portell. He gained a quick 4 points according to witnesses on the second floor balcony. Mick may have chosen a better weapon, but you have to know how to use something frozen like that. He sucked down two green Popsicles in just a few seconds to really get some saliva going. He took a breath and spit all over Farrar. Mick earns 3 points because Farrar was wearing khakis that had to be dry-cleaned and his spit was obviously green from the Popsicles. Tricky, but Farrar still leads 9-7 and is down $4 for the dry-cleaning bill.
Here comes the next level……slapping. This is also the last level for these two. They took turns smacking each other making sure to keep their arms warm in-between hits with some sweet Rawlings jackets. (They had their shirts off for maximum slap-ability, and for the ladies…you know how they do.) They left handprints all over each other. Painful I’m sure, but it just made me uncomfortable personally. They kept at it until they were completely red, with a smack here and a slap there. You would have thought these two former pitchers (face it guys, your glory days are far behind you) would have worn out by now, but they gave it all they had. The judges rushed in and awarded 8 points to Farrar and 5 to Portell. Farrar wins a good fight (for girls) 17 – 12. Well done boys.
With all the commotion in the lobby, the Verizon security guards rushed into action (meaning they got there after the hour long fight was over). Stubby, Googley-eye, and Slim (yes, that’s their real names) were very disappointed that they woke up and hobbled all the way down there for nothing. The worst part was that nobody had to make awkward small talk before they got on the elevator…and all the Verizon employees made it to work on time.
Tomorrow is a double dose of fighting and boy are they good ones. There are 2 fights each Monday, so vote for one in each. Send your votes to rawlingsufc@hotmail.com
Monday: #3 Jeff France vs #14 Jeff Noser
Monday: #6 Mike Thompson vs #11 Ted Sizemore
Thursday, July 12, 2007
A battle worthy of the continent of Kalimdor
This is a tale of two warriors coming into this year's field with different momentum (and agendas). Let's take a trip back down memory lane, also known as last season's field......
Dave Bommarito was an underdog, the Italian Stallion, ready to prove his worth against the Apollo Creeds known as other fighters. He had that chip on his shoulder, labeled a non-worthy warrior, a 12-seed. (last year that was the lowest seed we had). But he fought his way through "Second" Chance Hollingsworth and (former employee) Ryan Brady Bunch on his way to a loss to eventual runner up Wendy Mathis in the sweet 16. It was a dream season for Bommarito and with that came expectations: a 4-seed.
Bill Garbe came into last year's field talking smack, a lock to win the heated 8/9 matchup against Pam "Pan" Klostermann. He failed, and was like his beloved KU Jayhawks often end up, "one and done" in the field. This year he was seeded a 13 seed - a seed that often gives teams like the Jayhawks trouble... but this is the UFC, there are no upsets right? The intern field was predictable - with Ray Ray winning. Top seeded Tomaszewski and #8 Jundt easily won. Up next was this matchup...
Bill "WoW" Garbe arrived to his desk a bit later than usual, most likely due to the unexpected man clad in a bright green wrestling singlet. You might better know him as Dave "Italian Stallion" Bommarito - Bill just knew him as the cloud that crashed from the sky into his life too early one Thursday morning and with a snap of his singlet and a Ratatouille, it was 3-0 Bommer.
Then, as they say, the tide turned. Bill made it to his computer and was online in moments. And, let me tell you, those weeknights or weekends of training in the offseason were to get Garbe ready for this moment. His training had earned him much money, items, and experience which he used to turn into skill and power. He has become very skilled in fact, as a Rogue WoW player. At home in the shadows and skilled at disappearing from sight, the Rogues of Azeroth are most comfortable when acting in the background. Twisting events to their favor, striking only when advantage is greatest: this is where a Rogue excels. With cunning tricks, physical abilities, and mastery of concealment and disguise, Rogues have no trouble finding employment as thieves, cutthroats, spies, assassins, and masters of UFC competitions. They are without question the largest damage inflictors in WoW and Bommarito was about to feel it. First Garbe approached. He delivered a combination of Sinister Strikes, quickly leading him to a 5-4 advantage. Bommarito tried to retreat. But he retreated right into a Kidney Shot attack, which caused both high damage and a stun effect. Bommarito appeared in a daze as Garbe's Rogue style of fighting widened the lead to 10-6.
Suddenly, the system went down here at Rawlings. A cackle could be heard from the third floor as Dan "1.800.support" Jundt had tweaked the network. Just to show who was controlling this virtual battle. Don't forget he controls more than his radio controlled plane.
Bommarito did his best for a final run, jumping crazily from cube wall to cube wall, ready for that pounce. But his pounce was not enough. Bill had way too much strength, not to mention level 27 healing power. This baby was over. Game, set, Garbe.
Garbe wins 11-7-2 over Bommarito and Jundt. He advances to meet the winner of today's matchup, #5 Ryan "Flamethrower" Farrar vs. #12 Mick "The Closer" Portell. Every year there is at least one upset in the 5 vs 12 game. Is this it? Email your vote to rawlingsufc@hotmail.com.
PS: WoW stands for World of Warcraft. And, if you find yourself on Garbe's side of the bracket, you'd better learn more than that.
And, kids, please remember: do the cool thing. Don't play with fire.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Check out our UFC tees!
Thank you to Jason Voorhees for this outstanding piece of work. We have our official ufc tees. if you are interested in buying one (cost of $5), please let me know how many and what sizes.
Sorry these do not come with matching boy shorts.
I'll place this order at the end of the month, so you have until 7/27 to order. But don't wait. And don't play with fire.
Kappauff imagines Rita's face on volleyball, spikes it hard
There was a powerful spike that came off the hands of Ron "Busta" Kappauff on Wednesday night at the Fenton Bud Sports sand volleyball league. When asked if he was envisioning anything in particular on that hit (known in volleyball lingo as a "kill"), Ron said "no."
But we know what he meant.
And I hope Rita is doing some cardio to keep their matchup moving at a quick pace. That one's next thursday 7/19.
But we know what he meant.
And I hope Rita is doing some cardio to keep their matchup moving at a quick pace. That one's next thursday 7/19.
Mark this one off your list
With great power comes great responsibility.
A deep line from a famous comic strip, but very fitting for today's UFC bout between Carol "The" Mark and Dan "My email address is not support@rawlings.com" Jundt.
Now, while it is 100% true that Jundt arrived at work today in biker's shorts, it is also true that he brought something more powerful than even a pair of biker's shorts. Something we all have longed for at one time or another in our Rawlings Group careers. Some know this as the "IT" factor. Others know it as it is called on the streets (or hallways) as simply "Administrative Access".
That's right, while Dan's email address is not support@rawlings.com, his team has the ability (or as some on the third floor might say, the "right") to set up email accounts. That made today's matchup quite the connondrum and one that needed to be kept under tight scrutiny. If, for example, Carlisle Mark voted in the UFC this year under the email address camark@rawlings.com, it would have to be scrutinized. No votes were allowed from support@rawlings.com or greenteam@rawlings.com or even productidea@rawlings.com. Only current employees who reside in St Louis or the Tech Center can vote. No make believe people, awards, teams, or forms were allowed to participate.
Now, on to your regularly scheduled battle update.
For those of you who didn't notice, or read your emails, this was one hotly contested, highly involved battle. It had the pulse of the company in its balance. In fact, today's warriors rank as the #1 and #2 vote getters so far this season... and this one has been brewing since the brackets were first unveiled.
Jundt went to work early, arriving in his bikers shorts ready for anything that came his way. But he may not have been quite ready for the intensity that The Mark brought. Mark is a sprinter and she came in quick and early, delivering a thunderous stack of papers onto the desk of Jundt. That's right, thunderous. She raised her head in the air and walked off stating, "there., that out to keep you busy." Each page contained an image of Carol with a trademarked statement, "The Mark of a Pro." This unseen combination of power, guts, and swagger hurled Mark to a 6-3 deficit.
But that swagger came back to haunt her as she tripped over Jundt's cordless mouse and fell to the turf, leading to catcalls from the MIS group and evening the score at 7 apiece.
Jundt got down to business the high tech way, with an aerial surveilance team. He sent out his radio controlled airplane throughout the offices to observe computer stations and pick the optimal time for those "Automatic Updates" that can render any computer immobile for 5 minutes (or 25 minutes if you've got something older than a T43... ) As could be predicted, this worked out in Jundt's favor, to the tune of a huge 23-10 lead for the Iron Man.
Carmen "Flock of" Segelle had had enough. She stood at her desk and sent a few pictures to print on the marketing color printer... on legal paper. She knew the crazy combination of printing jobs would cause every IT worker their greatest nemesis, the paper jam, to appear. It might be enough to knock them off their game.
Jundt scurried downstairs to handle the printer problem. But luck was about to take a special turn in his favor. Carol "off the" Mark was now down in marketing, looking for her stainless steel Rawlings mug from Lindsey "MVP 74" Naber right next to the printer. Mark grabbed the mug and waived it crazily in the air, smacking Jundt just below the bike helmet and knocking him to the turf, narrowing that gap to 23-16. But that just put Jundt into his home position. The bicycle. A series of powerful bicycle kicks, many of them connecting, sent Mark moving around like a baseball card caught in a tire spoke. (It probably sounded similar to this as well!) Jundt expanded his lead to a surprising 43-23-1 lead over Mark and Segelle.
It was time to finish the job.
Jundt called for his plane, which flew in and received the medal of honor - a special Mark to show off his victory over his valiant opponent. Jundt wins this one 47-23-1. He advances to meet Bob "Windy City Shocker" Tomaszewski on August 17.
A deep line from a famous comic strip, but very fitting for today's UFC bout between Carol "The" Mark and Dan "My email address is not support@rawlings.com" Jundt.
Now, while it is 100% true that Jundt arrived at work today in biker's shorts, it is also true that he brought something more powerful than even a pair of biker's shorts. Something we all have longed for at one time or another in our Rawlings Group careers. Some know this as the "IT" factor. Others know it as it is called on the streets (or hallways) as simply "Administrative Access".
That's right, while Dan's email address is not support@rawlings.com, his team has the ability (or as some on the third floor might say, the "right") to set up email accounts. That made today's matchup quite the connondrum and one that needed to be kept under tight scrutiny. If, for example, Carlisle Mark voted in the UFC this year under the email address camark@rawlings.com, it would have to be scrutinized. No votes were allowed from support@rawlings.com or greenteam@rawlings.com or even productidea@rawlings.com. Only current employees who reside in St Louis or the Tech Center can vote. No make believe people, awards, teams, or forms were allowed to participate.
Now, on to your regularly scheduled battle update.
For those of you who didn't notice, or read your emails, this was one hotly contested, highly involved battle. It had the pulse of the company in its balance. In fact, today's warriors rank as the #1 and #2 vote getters so far this season... and this one has been brewing since the brackets were first unveiled.
Jundt went to work early, arriving in his bikers shorts ready for anything that came his way. But he may not have been quite ready for the intensity that The Mark brought. Mark is a sprinter and she came in quick and early, delivering a thunderous stack of papers onto the desk of Jundt. That's right, thunderous. She raised her head in the air and walked off stating, "there., that out to keep you busy." Each page contained an image of Carol with a trademarked statement, "The Mark of a Pro." This unseen combination of power, guts, and swagger hurled Mark to a 6-3 deficit.
But that swagger came back to haunt her as she tripped over Jundt's cordless mouse and fell to the turf, leading to catcalls from the MIS group and evening the score at 7 apiece.
Jundt got down to business the high tech way, with an aerial surveilance team. He sent out his radio controlled airplane throughout the offices to observe computer stations and pick the optimal time for those "Automatic Updates" that can render any computer immobile for 5 minutes (or 25 minutes if you've got something older than a T43... ) As could be predicted, this worked out in Jundt's favor, to the tune of a huge 23-10 lead for the Iron Man.
Carmen "Flock of" Segelle had had enough. She stood at her desk and sent a few pictures to print on the marketing color printer... on legal paper. She knew the crazy combination of printing jobs would cause every IT worker their greatest nemesis, the paper jam, to appear. It might be enough to knock them off their game.
Jundt scurried downstairs to handle the printer problem. But luck was about to take a special turn in his favor. Carol "off the" Mark was now down in marketing, looking for her stainless steel Rawlings mug from Lindsey "MVP 74" Naber right next to the printer. Mark grabbed the mug and waived it crazily in the air, smacking Jundt just below the bike helmet and knocking him to the turf, narrowing that gap to 23-16. But that just put Jundt into his home position. The bicycle. A series of powerful bicycle kicks, many of them connecting, sent Mark moving around like a baseball card caught in a tire spoke. (It probably sounded similar to this as well!) Jundt expanded his lead to a surprising 43-23-1 lead over Mark and Segelle.
It was time to finish the job.
Jundt called for his plane, which flew in and received the medal of honor - a special Mark to show off his victory over his valiant opponent. Jundt wins this one 47-23-1. He advances to meet Bob "Windy City Shocker" Tomaszewski on August 17.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Windy City Shocker? Not this time.
Hudgens, for those who are unaware, has competition in the blood - with competitive motocross in the family.
Tomaszewski brings a mix of Al Capone and Chicago-style pizza to the table.
This fight began early. And it began in the unlikeliest of places... the downstairs cafe, or as it was known today, the "Mess Hall."
Tomaszewski took an early 2-0 lead but Hudgens is a master of escape. All it took was a move many a woman (and some men) know all too well. It's simple, but it is effective. I'll call it the foot stomp with a stilleto-style heel. If you've never been foot stomped before (and Bob had not), they are mighty painful. Hudgens sent Tomaszewski flying into the condiment stand as she evened the score at 2-2.
That may have been her mistake. Letting up for a second. The Shocker recovered, grabbing her by her brown locks, and dragged her into the elevator. It was time for a quick trip upstairs to finish the job. He hurled her up to the second floor and went to work, popping a Chicago style Deep Dish pizza out of the microwave and lifting wafts into the air that made a deliciously painful combination with the previously microwaved popcorn bag. Debbie had no chance, she nearly fainted from the fumes as Tomaszewski took one delicious bit after another.
With the Shocker up 8-2, things were looking pretty grim for Hudgens. But that's when he faced another unpredictabile moment... Maryann "What you talkin' about" Whitis was in Ben "Forecast for Pain" Schoen's cube under the gauze of "helping him with his PMMs." I have no clue what PMM stands for, but according to a quick Google search, PMM means:
PMM - PolyMatchMaker - The perfect place to find your Poly mate(s)!
An online personals site for poly people.
Don't ask me. Try it for yourself.
Anyways Whitis leapt out of Schoen's cube with such agility as it caught the Windy City Shocker by storm. She delivered a magnificent thump to his jugular, depositing Bob nicely in a heap as she moved back to her desk. This was enough of a gap for Debbie to begin processing some payroll moves - and let's just say she gave Bob a few additional deductions to think about. Like 6 more. The gap closed to 15-9. Momentum in payroll was mounting faster than both days of the month when what the rest of us simply know as Magic happens.
Bob looked to get himself together. He pondered the odds. And he smiled. That evil, deceptive, is he really smiling or do I smell kind of smile. He leapt to his feet in a flip, delivering a delicate yet painful paper cut to the left hand of Hudgens. As Debbie looked at her hand, she pondered if Bob might get violent. But, no, it wasn't time for violence. It was time for a battle of probabilities. And Bob was ready, asking Debbie a series of questions that Debbie had no answer for... it's tough to answer when you can't see the questions coming. And believe me, Bob was asking these questions in a truly painful manner.
Debbie landed in the same pile that all other 16 seeds have landed, while Bob advances to meet the winner of the next battle:
#8 Dan "My email address is not support@rawlings.com" Jundt versus #9 Carol "The" Mark.
Monday, July 09, 2007
A Good Old-Fashioned Sausage Race hits the UFC
Ever been to a Milwaukee Brewers game? Let me tell you, if you haven't, there is a special treat for the fans. It's called the Sausage Race. They have special mascots, decked out in the outfits of Chorizo (a delicious but spicy Hispanic sausage) named "Cinco", a Polish (a tasty delicacy of Europe) named "Stosh JonJak", and the Brat named "Brett Wurst" (a must have for any tailgate). Sometimes there is even an Italian Sausage named Guido and a regular hot dog named "Frankie Furter".. here's a picture for you!
Now these mascots don't just run. They bump into each other, fighting for their very own sausage glory. Well, this was a good old fashioned Rawlings sausage race today....On one hand we had Robert "Sausage" Neaus. (no, i'm not sure how he got that nickname.) On the other side we had Paul "Wray Wurst" Ray. And these two fighters wanted it. Badly. They had quite an obstacle course to make it to the finish line. Both men donned oversized foam sausage costumes, measuring over 7' tall, and weighing roughly 25 pounds each. They made their way to the showdown spot - Maryville University's baseball field. The race path was set by Seth Elrod, who likes to set racing paths. They were to sprint down the warning track, around home plate, and end at first base.
And they were off. Wray Wurst got off to an early lead, but he was quickly bumped into by Neaus, who showed some clear signs of agility despite his relative lack of vision inside the suit. With the score tied at 2-2, Neaus knocked away Ray's glasses. (Not quite sure how he did this, but Ray was later seen scurrying around Maryville looking for his glasses.) Neaus extended his lead to 7-2 as he made his way towards the infield. But what he didn't expect to find was an assist from a former combatant. Apparently fuming from his defeat yesterday, Tom "Ashes" Asher delivered a poke to the midsection of the Sausage, sending oozing goodness to the turf and slowing up the pace of the leader.
Wray Wurst shortened the gap to 9-6.
For those of you who don't know, Maryann "What you talking about" Whitis has family up in Wisconsin. She's got a direct link to this madness. And she's got easy access to a trip line - the easiest way to knock over two racing sausages. One strategically placed trip wire was lined across the battleground, near home plate. Why? I'm honestly not sure, but Whitis has apparently made a push to make certain we're aware she has the brawn and savvy to compete for a slot next year. Neaus and Ray were mere pawns in her hand, as they plunged to awkward spills. 1 point for Whitis.
But the sausages keep on racing and the fans began to vote, following along online on web cams and streaming video sites.
Just when the votes began to egg these two racers into a fury, the system went down. Why? No one knew for sure, but there was a smile coming from the face of Dan "My email address is not support@rawlings.com" Jundt. It was a long outage - enough to get Jundt's name in the public's mind (nicely timed) just two days before his battle against "The" Mark. His network explosions delivered 4 points and sent throngs of calls into the support line, which incidentally is not extension 2799.
Sometimes things stack up against you. And for Wray, this system outage was a bigger deal. Why? Because the interns didn't have phone lines.
Neaus sprinted to first base and won the battle, 16-11-4-1-1 over a field of obstacles that included Ray and associates.
Neaus advances to meet (or is it meat?) the top seed, Bruce Dickmann on Tuesday August 7th.
Up next: The Chi-Town regional!
Bob "Windy City Shocker" Tomaszewski versus Debbie "Pay Role" Hudgens.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Who wants a piece of Bob Neaus?
There they stood.
10 young men and women all sharing one desire. A desire to take down each other and enter into a smackdown on Monday with Bob "Sausage" Neaus.
Now there are several tactics one can take in order to go after that Battle Royal title. Do you go at it alone, or do you join others to launch a bigger competitor out of the ring? Or do you blend in, hoping to not get noticed? Who could forget the WrestleMania (definitely not Hoying) where the group of little fellas took down Andre the Giant?
Now, the general consensus tactic for success begins by staying as close to the center of the ring as possible, reducing the odds that a sudden trip won't easily eliminate you. Too bad Tom "AshKicked" Asher and Nick "Yogi" Berra weren't paying attention to the basics. The two began the match by what could best be described as a cross between an awkward high-five and a middle school pillow fight. As they leaped in mid-air, Maggie "Lindenwood Assassin" Weisler provided a gentle shove - just enough to knock Tom off balance. Tom pulled Nick to safety... on the wrong side of the ring. Dropping the field to 8. But as she stared in awe at the destruction, it was too late. (True UFC combatants learn to never lock your legs - keep them poised and at the ready. Keep this in mind as these games continue) Erin "David Lee" Rothweiler delivered a two handed bounce pass, sending Weisler to the ground in a heap of Berra and Asher. 7 remained.
Now, according to the Legends of Wrestling video game, "After you get past your first opponent, start to taunt. By the time your original opponent makes it to the dressing room and the next opponent comes out, you
should be close to having your special. If you do have your special, punch the new opponent as soon as he comes in to make him groggy. Now, hit your special. This will take off more than enough to eliminate him. Pick him up, and toss him out of the ring and eliminate him. Continue to taunt while staying away from the other 2 wrestlers in the ring. Continue this strategy until you win the battle royal."
I'm not sure what that whole thing means, but what is clear is that having a special is a good thing. A powerful thing. And that's what Paul "Ray Ray" Wray brings to the table. In sports, we call it an X-Factor or an It factor (not to be confused with an I.T. factor, which is a specialty of Suzyn Siebert's). In the UFC, a special might be known as a Northern Lights Suplex. Wanna know what that is? Click here and envision Ray Ray picking up "Husky" Paul Jonff and dropping him into the turf before hurling him casually to the side. (Oh, that dropped us to 6 combatants)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLmUjieWhxY
What else was going on, you ask? Well, when one of the regular Rawlings employees heard "wrestling", he was there. Dave "Italian Stallion" Bommarito entered the ring in a brand new midnight black wrestling singlet. He snapped the strap into his left shoulder, sending a whimper of fear through the intern clan. Bommarito picked up Nick "Human Lancer" Hoette and jousted him into the midsection of Nathan "Crouching Tiger" Hudock. Bommarito left the ring in a whirlwind of silence, while Hoette flung Hudock out of the ring in an aerodynamic display that would impress even the stingiest judges. But his follow through did not include a 180 kick to the small of the back... Maryann "What you Talking About" Whitis was on the way, seeking to reduce the number of parts in the system by tossing aside Mr Hoette. Mission accomplished. She smiled a sigh of relief and headed off, leaving 4 in the ring.
In the SE corner of the ring, another battle was taking place. David "GI" Muir and Daniel "San" Tirado were toeing off. Tirado was clinging to his handy drawing machine, GI was reading a manual on the anatomy of the human hand. Essentially both were pretending to be busy (a nice UFC Battle Royal tactic by the way). But apparently they didn't know that Paul "Ray Ray" was used to being ignored. He is willing to fight through it and press on. But before he could pounce, he saw Rothweiler enter the fray. She gave him that look. (no, not that look Seth.) In a synchronized move, Rothweiler and Wray lifted Muir and Tirado onto their shoulders. It was time for a good old game of chicken fighting.
Muir went to work on Tirado's drawing pad - putting in shapes and colors that wouldn't pass any line review. Tirado responded by showing Muir his hand... and delivering it into his forehead with a sudden thump. Muir was wobbly and woozy. Tirado delivered a kick - just enough to throw both Muir and his "handler", Rothweiler out of the ring.
There were only two left, but when you are down to two, the best place to be is NOT on the shoulders of your opponent. You got it, Ray Ray extended his neck in a groovy way that sent Tirado airborne. He twisted and supplanted Tirado onto the mat, where he calmly steamrollered him out of the ring.
The winner and last intern standing was Paul Wray.
It's time to re-write the record books. Here are your past 20 Royal Rumble winners:
1988 Jim Duggan
1989 Big John Studd
1990 Hulk Hogan
1991 Hulk Hogan
1992 Ric Flair
1993 Yokozuna
1994 Bret Hart
1995 Shawn Michaels
1996 Shawn Michaels
1997 Steve Austin
1998 Steve Austin
1999 Vince McMahon
2000 The Rock
2001 Steve Austin
2002 Triple H
2003 Brock Lesnar
2004 Chris Benoit
2005 Batista
2006 Rey Mysterio
2007 Ray Ray
Ray Ray takes on Bob "Sausage" Neaus today, for the right to enter into the tourney against Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann.
Who do you think Dickmann should battle?
Email your vote for Neauss or Wray to rawlingsufc@hotmail.com.
Good luck. And do the cool thing. Don't play with fire.
10 young men and women all sharing one desire. A desire to take down each other and enter into a smackdown on Monday with Bob "Sausage" Neaus.
Now there are several tactics one can take in order to go after that Battle Royal title. Do you go at it alone, or do you join others to launch a bigger competitor out of the ring? Or do you blend in, hoping to not get noticed? Who could forget the WrestleMania (definitely not Hoying) where the group of little fellas took down Andre the Giant?
Now, the general consensus tactic for success begins by staying as close to the center of the ring as possible, reducing the odds that a sudden trip won't easily eliminate you. Too bad Tom "AshKicked" Asher and Nick "Yogi" Berra weren't paying attention to the basics. The two began the match by what could best be described as a cross between an awkward high-five and a middle school pillow fight. As they leaped in mid-air, Maggie "Lindenwood Assassin" Weisler provided a gentle shove - just enough to knock Tom off balance. Tom pulled Nick to safety... on the wrong side of the ring. Dropping the field to 8. But as she stared in awe at the destruction, it was too late. (True UFC combatants learn to never lock your legs - keep them poised and at the ready. Keep this in mind as these games continue) Erin "David Lee" Rothweiler delivered a two handed bounce pass, sending Weisler to the ground in a heap of Berra and Asher. 7 remained.
Now, according to the Legends of Wrestling video game, "After you get past your first opponent, start to taunt. By the time your original opponent makes it to the dressing room and the next opponent comes out, you
should be close to having your special. If you do have your special, punch the new opponent as soon as he comes in to make him groggy. Now, hit your special. This will take off more than enough to eliminate him. Pick him up, and toss him out of the ring and eliminate him. Continue to taunt while staying away from the other 2 wrestlers in the ring. Continue this strategy until you win the battle royal."
I'm not sure what that whole thing means, but what is clear is that having a special is a good thing. A powerful thing. And that's what Paul "Ray Ray" Wray brings to the table. In sports, we call it an X-Factor or an It factor (not to be confused with an I.T. factor, which is a specialty of Suzyn Siebert's). In the UFC, a special might be known as a Northern Lights Suplex. Wanna know what that is? Click here and envision Ray Ray picking up "Husky" Paul Jonff and dropping him into the turf before hurling him casually to the side. (Oh, that dropped us to 6 combatants)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLmUjieWhxY
What else was going on, you ask? Well, when one of the regular Rawlings employees heard "wrestling", he was there. Dave "Italian Stallion" Bommarito entered the ring in a brand new midnight black wrestling singlet. He snapped the strap into his left shoulder, sending a whimper of fear through the intern clan. Bommarito picked up Nick "Human Lancer" Hoette and jousted him into the midsection of Nathan "Crouching Tiger" Hudock. Bommarito left the ring in a whirlwind of silence, while Hoette flung Hudock out of the ring in an aerodynamic display that would impress even the stingiest judges. But his follow through did not include a 180 kick to the small of the back... Maryann "What you Talking About" Whitis was on the way, seeking to reduce the number of parts in the system by tossing aside Mr Hoette. Mission accomplished. She smiled a sigh of relief and headed off, leaving 4 in the ring.
In the SE corner of the ring, another battle was taking place. David "GI" Muir and Daniel "San" Tirado were toeing off. Tirado was clinging to his handy drawing machine, GI was reading a manual on the anatomy of the human hand. Essentially both were pretending to be busy (a nice UFC Battle Royal tactic by the way). But apparently they didn't know that Paul "Ray Ray" was used to being ignored. He is willing to fight through it and press on. But before he could pounce, he saw Rothweiler enter the fray. She gave him that look. (no, not that look Seth.) In a synchronized move, Rothweiler and Wray lifted Muir and Tirado onto their shoulders. It was time for a good old game of chicken fighting.
Muir went to work on Tirado's drawing pad - putting in shapes and colors that wouldn't pass any line review. Tirado responded by showing Muir his hand... and delivering it into his forehead with a sudden thump. Muir was wobbly and woozy. Tirado delivered a kick - just enough to throw both Muir and his "handler", Rothweiler out of the ring.
There were only two left, but when you are down to two, the best place to be is NOT on the shoulders of your opponent. You got it, Ray Ray extended his neck in a groovy way that sent Tirado airborne. He twisted and supplanted Tirado onto the mat, where he calmly steamrollered him out of the ring.
The winner and last intern standing was Paul Wray.
It's time to re-write the record books. Here are your past 20 Royal Rumble winners:
1988 Jim Duggan
1989 Big John Studd
1990 Hulk Hogan
1991 Hulk Hogan
1992 Ric Flair
1993 Yokozuna
1994 Bret Hart
1995 Shawn Michaels
1996 Shawn Michaels
1997 Steve Austin
1998 Steve Austin
1999 Vince McMahon
2000 The Rock
2001 Steve Austin
2002 Triple H
2003 Brock Lesnar
2004 Chris Benoit
2005 Batista
2006 Rey Mysterio
2007 Ray Ray
Ray Ray takes on Bob "Sausage" Neaus today, for the right to enter into the tourney against Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann.
Who do you think Dickmann should battle?
Email your vote for Neauss or Wray to rawlingsufc@hotmail.com.
Good luck. And do the cool thing. Don't play with fire.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
UFC final thoughts and intern Battle Royal!
First, a refresher on the UFC, Rawlings style:
1. How were the combatants determined this year?
It was a struggle, which is a good thing! Last year it began with a shorter list of people who I was pretty sure wouldn't be offended. This year, it was based on employee suggestions, returning fighters from last year, and fan suggestions. The UFC doesn't like process, as you'll learn. It tends to eat up process and laugh at those who enforce it.
2. OK, so how did the bracket get set? Did you hand pick the matchups or seeds? Did you rig it?
A secret panel (so secret that they don't even know who else was on the panel) ranked the combatants by whatever means they chose. It could have been by toughness, it could have been alphabetical. There were no rules. The only rule was that I divided up people into groups of 4 (the top four overall people became one-seeds, the next 4 got two seeds, and so on) The region with the best ranked #1 seed got the lowest ranked #2 seed.
3. How do the games go?
Every day we will have a new matchup. The winner will advance to the next round, the loser goes home. Every employee in the St Louis office or Tech center is eligible to vote. Voting can be done only once per person. (This is not American Idol). To vote, you email your vote to rawlingsufc@hotmail.com. Vote because you think someone would win the (virtual) fight. Or because you like them better. Or because you think it'd be funnier if they won. Or because they don't want to win and you want to read about them even more. I will tally the votes each evening and report the score (and how the battle happened) at the start of the next day.
4. Will anyone find out who I voted for?
No. I'll delete the votes after the score is announced. On fight(s) that I am involved in, an All Star Audit firm of Matt Howell, Inc. will tabulate the scoring. So I won't know that you didn't vote for me.
5. When is voting allowed?
Any time after midnight and before 5:00 pm CST.
6. What is the tiebreaker?
The first vote cast after 8:00 am CST. (you can vote earlier if you want, but the first vote after 8 am is the tiebreaker)
7. Can my wife vote?
If your wife is not a Rawlings employee, she cannot vote. (Sorry Kraemer) I do find it sweet she thinks you are a tough fighter though. You CAN vote for yourself though!
8. What if I don't like either fighter?
You can vote for someone else (in the office). If you get enough support, you could actually beat the fighters who are in the battle. So if you're bummed you missed the UFC, you can still crash this party.
9. Do you really fight?
No. Violence is never the answer. Do the cool thing and don't play with fire.
Which leads me to my summary of this year's field:
Who was left out?
There were a LOT of worthy adversaries that could make a case. Those who could best make a case included Dennis "DT" Turner, "Mad" Mike Imel, and Elaine "Liberty" Bell. "Second" Chance Hollingsworth will have to wait to get his next chance to dominate the UFC. Should the tech center have been more represented? They're the mid-major conference - they'll have to fight their way to respectability. We all know the mid majors are truly majors, like the missouri valley.
Which region is the toughest?
This one's easy: Rio. Are you kidding me? Ron "Busta" Kappauff will have his work cut out if he wants to get out of this regional unscathed. Last year's champ Gessley will want to repeat, and then you've got a pretty frisky R&D 3/4 seed combo in Hoying and Cruz. Did you know Curtis has a black belt? And, no seth, this is not a documentary on Curtis' fashion sense.
Which region is the weakest?
Even though I'm in it, I say it is the Sturgis region. Whiteside's path to glory must take him through only Dan "Big" Bieg, Andy "AK47" Pawlowski, and Tim Lord "of the Rings".
Who are the darkhorse teams that have a shot at making it to the final 4?
Tough one - i mean, who would have thought last season would show Wendy Mathis annihalate everyone in her path on the way to the finals? I think, by region, the darkhorses are: #4 Dave "Italian Stallion" Bommarito, #7 Barb "Black" Foerstel Cake, #6 Wendy "Still Nasty But No-Longer Newlywed" Mathis, and #14 Greg "Venus" Williams.
What is the best matchup?
There are a couple I LOVE. #8 Robert "the Chief" Parish vs #9 Pam "Pan" Klosterman. That'll get ugly. I also like the old school battle of #6 Mike "Gamer" Thompson vs. #11 Ted "ROY" Sizemore. Ted hasn't been a rookie in like 50 years and he's got an extra bounce in his step to prove it. Mike has always been a gamer.
ON TO THE MAIN EVENT!
The Battle Royal,, as defined in Ancient Rome (or Wikipedia) was first coined by the Romans to refer to a form of gladiatorial combat involving a number of gladiators fighting, armed or unarmed, until only one remained standing, or alive. These fights tended to be particularly brutal, even by the standards of the Romans. Early Christians, such as Clement of Rome and Ignatius, actively campaigned against this savage form of entertainment, to no success. (obviously, as it still exists today much unlike the Roman Empire).
So, we are putting the intern class of 2007 into a ring. The last one standing in the ring wins the fight. Here they are, along with a smidgen of info to help your voting which may or may not be true.
Tom "Ashkicker" Asher. Hails from SEMO, the school who has brought more interns into regular gigs than any other school. (sorry Farrar) Working with Tim, Travis, and Logan.
"G I" David Muir. Spending his summer working in leather, and GI is as in military officer, not Gary Indiana or GastroIntestinal. Although ballers from GI get mad respect on the courts.
Erin "David Lee" Rothweiler. Also works with Tim, Travis, and Logan on the Worth side and also from SEMO. But not at all like Tom.
"Husky" Paul Jonff. Works with David "Zoomy" Zumbach on marketing stuff, comes to us as the first intern from Northern Illinois, whose mascot is the huskies. No, Paul isn't husky. but he could become that.
Nick "Human Lancer" Hoette. From Mizzou, working in Rawlings brand marketing. Plus side: Actually won a battle as a human lancer and also works on the side for the River City Rascals. Down side: name is pronounced "hottie"
Paul "Ray Ray" Wray. Working in protective with Dan. If that doesn't give him good odds at surviving an attack, i don't know what does? Then again, if his hair peeks out from the coolflo helmet, he could easily be grabbed and discarded outside the ring.
Nathan "Crouching Tiger" Hudock. Works with Matt Bensing, from Mizzou. Designs new apparel while wearing brass knuckles. Or so I hear.
Maggie "Lindenwood Assassin" Weislar. Working with Scott Siebers and Adam Shupe. Has been working on a competitive analysis to something which might very well be the UFC, and has yet to equal the number of games of Solitaire performed last summer by her predecessor. From Lindenwood.
Nick "Yogi" Berra. Comes from SEMO and works with Mark Kraemer and the sales team. Likely to ask for votes from Kraemer (and his wife).
Daniel "San" Tirado. Learning under the guiding wings and pearly white shoes of Jeff France and the graphics team. Comes equipped with a power notepad that he could both draw up a blueprint of the battle ring and draw the rest of the interns on the outside of the ring.
So, it is now time for you to vote. To vote, just copy this email address, type in one of these interns' names, and wait for the magic that follows.
rawlingsufc@hotmail.com
The winner of this battle royal meets Bob "Sausage" Neaus on Monday. Bob, you'd better vote wisely.
1. How were the combatants determined this year?
It was a struggle, which is a good thing! Last year it began with a shorter list of people who I was pretty sure wouldn't be offended. This year, it was based on employee suggestions, returning fighters from last year, and fan suggestions. The UFC doesn't like process, as you'll learn. It tends to eat up process and laugh at those who enforce it.
2. OK, so how did the bracket get set? Did you hand pick the matchups or seeds? Did you rig it?
A secret panel (so secret that they don't even know who else was on the panel) ranked the combatants by whatever means they chose. It could have been by toughness, it could have been alphabetical. There were no rules. The only rule was that I divided up people into groups of 4 (the top four overall people became one-seeds, the next 4 got two seeds, and so on) The region with the best ranked #1 seed got the lowest ranked #2 seed.
3. How do the games go?
Every day we will have a new matchup. The winner will advance to the next round, the loser goes home. Every employee in the St Louis office or Tech center is eligible to vote. Voting can be done only once per person. (This is not American Idol). To vote, you email your vote to rawlingsufc@hotmail.com. Vote because you think someone would win the (virtual) fight. Or because you like them better. Or because you think it'd be funnier if they won. Or because they don't want to win and you want to read about them even more. I will tally the votes each evening and report the score (and how the battle happened) at the start of the next day.
4. Will anyone find out who I voted for?
No. I'll delete the votes after the score is announced. On fight(s) that I am involved in, an All Star Audit firm of Matt Howell, Inc. will tabulate the scoring. So I won't know that you didn't vote for me.
5. When is voting allowed?
Any time after midnight and before 5:00 pm CST.
6. What is the tiebreaker?
The first vote cast after 8:00 am CST. (you can vote earlier if you want, but the first vote after 8 am is the tiebreaker)
7. Can my wife vote?
If your wife is not a Rawlings employee, she cannot vote. (Sorry Kraemer) I do find it sweet she thinks you are a tough fighter though. You CAN vote for yourself though!
8. What if I don't like either fighter?
You can vote for someone else (in the office). If you get enough support, you could actually beat the fighters who are in the battle. So if you're bummed you missed the UFC, you can still crash this party.
9. Do you really fight?
No. Violence is never the answer. Do the cool thing and don't play with fire.
Which leads me to my summary of this year's field:
Who was left out?
There were a LOT of worthy adversaries that could make a case. Those who could best make a case included Dennis "DT" Turner, "Mad" Mike Imel, and Elaine "Liberty" Bell. "Second" Chance Hollingsworth will have to wait to get his next chance to dominate the UFC. Should the tech center have been more represented? They're the mid-major conference - they'll have to fight their way to respectability. We all know the mid majors are truly majors, like the missouri valley.
Which region is the toughest?
This one's easy: Rio. Are you kidding me? Ron "Busta" Kappauff will have his work cut out if he wants to get out of this regional unscathed. Last year's champ Gessley will want to repeat, and then you've got a pretty frisky R&D 3/4 seed combo in Hoying and Cruz. Did you know Curtis has a black belt? And, no seth, this is not a documentary on Curtis' fashion sense.
Which region is the weakest?
Even though I'm in it, I say it is the Sturgis region. Whiteside's path to glory must take him through only Dan "Big" Bieg, Andy "AK47" Pawlowski, and Tim Lord "of the Rings".
Who are the darkhorse teams that have a shot at making it to the final 4?
Tough one - i mean, who would have thought last season would show Wendy Mathis annihalate everyone in her path on the way to the finals? I think, by region, the darkhorses are: #4 Dave "Italian Stallion" Bommarito, #7 Barb "Black" Foerstel Cake, #6 Wendy "Still Nasty But No-Longer Newlywed" Mathis, and #14 Greg "Venus" Williams.
What is the best matchup?
There are a couple I LOVE. #8 Robert "the Chief" Parish vs #9 Pam "Pan" Klosterman. That'll get ugly. I also like the old school battle of #6 Mike "Gamer" Thompson vs. #11 Ted "ROY" Sizemore. Ted hasn't been a rookie in like 50 years and he's got an extra bounce in his step to prove it. Mike has always been a gamer.
ON TO THE MAIN EVENT!
The Battle Royal,, as defined in Ancient Rome (or Wikipedia) was first coined by the Romans to refer to a form of gladiatorial combat involving a number of gladiators fighting, armed or unarmed, until only one remained standing, or alive. These fights tended to be particularly brutal, even by the standards of the Romans. Early Christians, such as Clement of Rome and Ignatius, actively campaigned against this savage form of entertainment, to no success. (obviously, as it still exists today much unlike the Roman Empire).
So, we are putting the intern class of 2007 into a ring. The last one standing in the ring wins the fight. Here they are, along with a smidgen of info to help your voting which may or may not be true.
Tom "Ashkicker" Asher. Hails from SEMO, the school who has brought more interns into regular gigs than any other school. (sorry Farrar) Working with Tim, Travis, and Logan.
"G I" David Muir. Spending his summer working in leather, and GI is as in military officer, not Gary Indiana or GastroIntestinal. Although ballers from GI get mad respect on the courts.
Erin "David Lee" Rothweiler. Also works with Tim, Travis, and Logan on the Worth side and also from SEMO. But not at all like Tom.
"Husky" Paul Jonff. Works with David "Zoomy" Zumbach on marketing stuff, comes to us as the first intern from Northern Illinois, whose mascot is the huskies. No, Paul isn't husky. but he could become that.
Nick "Human Lancer" Hoette. From Mizzou, working in Rawlings brand marketing. Plus side: Actually won a battle as a human lancer and also works on the side for the River City Rascals. Down side: name is pronounced "hottie"
Paul "Ray Ray" Wray. Working in protective with Dan. If that doesn't give him good odds at surviving an attack, i don't know what does? Then again, if his hair peeks out from the coolflo helmet, he could easily be grabbed and discarded outside the ring.
Nathan "Crouching Tiger" Hudock. Works with Matt Bensing, from Mizzou. Designs new apparel while wearing brass knuckles. Or so I hear.
Maggie "Lindenwood Assassin" Weislar. Working with Scott Siebers and Adam Shupe. Has been working on a competitive analysis to something which might very well be the UFC, and has yet to equal the number of games of Solitaire performed last summer by her predecessor. From Lindenwood.
Nick "Yogi" Berra. Comes from SEMO and works with Mark Kraemer and the sales team. Likely to ask for votes from Kraemer (and his wife).
Daniel "San" Tirado. Learning under the guiding wings and pearly white shoes of Jeff France and the graphics team. Comes equipped with a power notepad that he could both draw up a blueprint of the battle ring and draw the rest of the interns on the outside of the ring.
So, it is now time for you to vote. To vote, just copy this email address, type in one of these interns' names, and wait for the magic that follows.
rawlingsufc@hotmail.com
The winner of this battle royal meets Bob "Sausage" Neaus on Monday. Bob, you'd better vote wisely.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Rio Regional Preview
Finally, thank you to Ryan Farrar... here is your Rio Regional!
The last but not the least, Rio Regional is a solid region from top to bottom.
Ron “2nd place is the first loser” Kappauff drew the one seed with his solid showing in last years tournament, and his workout regimen after work EVERYDAY. He has been training for a full year and is ready to claim the title. Don’t let his quiet office tactics fool you. Ron brings a new shoulder pad line and enough inflatable’s to deflate any competition. His first round opponent is Rita “Hire and Fire” Carel. Just because she is a 16th seed doesn’t mean she is going to go quietly. She controls the dress code, clean war rooms and new hires, but that is not going to be enough for this match as Ron slips by with a close victory.
The next match up is the good ole 8 vs. 9. Robert Parish vs. Pam Klosterman. This match has cost me many hours of sleep, tossing and turning into the night. Analyzing each of these competitors’ strengths and weaknesses I decided when it comes down to it neither of these competitors has been training as hard as they should have been during the off season. Pam with vacations, employee sales, and envelopes about request for free equipment and more sponsorship opportunities that you can imagine. Robert with TV shows, merger meetings, and trying to figure out Wal-Mart is doing neither of them has seen the gym or the octagon since last years fight. Expect this fight to start like a Monday morning and then finish like a Rawlings Spring Catalog deadline. Pam uses her bond with the interns through the employee sale and wins this match out right.
This is a marquee match up of the region two strong competitors. Curtis Cruz vs Ron 100% cotton Hilson. These two workaholics train just as hard. Even though Curtis can’t decide where his office should be, he claims he works at the
Lindsey “neighbor” Naber vs. Brian Scheele This isn’t just a battle between the 1st floor and the 2nd floor, or marketing and customer service. This match will determine who goes to the 3rd floor more. That is the key to this match. I’m going to give you a little something they call in the betting world an “inside tip” Brian may put one a smiley face when the phone rings at 8:01am and a mother is raging about her son’s bat breaking, but I have seen him under the lights at the Kirkwood Recreations Facility. This guy is an animal; he will sacrifice his body in anyway to win. It doesn’t matter if it is checkers or 10K run he is going to go 101%. My money is on Brian, only because Menard can’t text in votes for Lindsey, but don’t be surprised IF this match gets out of hand you could see some interference by Lindsey’s not so secret lover Mr. 1974 NL MVP.
Hoying vs. Elrod is another great match up in this powerhouse region. Hoying has been spending a lot of time over seas learning from the one and only Mr.Miyagi. Brian-son is an all around athlete and can run and jump circles around Seth. Don’t forget the fact that Brian has been seen doing pushups and sit ups in his cube wearing prototype protective from head to toe. I don’t care if Seth tells the interns he is going to give them bad reviews if they don’t vote for him. In this match it isn’t going to matter. Lets think about this Seth has been planning his wedding since he was 12years old, and it is all coming together. He tries to squeeze in a jog at lunch so he can fit into his tuxedo that he was measured for 3 years ago. Seth has been picking out what to serve at the reception, and what color shutters he wants to put on his house to match the white picket fence in the front. Hoying Pummels Elrod!
Jason Voorhees vs. Mark Barry is going to be a good fight, but fall a little short of an epic battle. Mark has been slammed with national accounts making their final selections for the 08 season, so there has been no time for the octagon. This fight is going to end like the 2006 and 2007 Men’s College World Series a clean sweep. No matter how hard you cheer for Mark this year he is going to end up like his North Carolina Tarheels. Voorhees has been preparing for this fight since his loss last year, and I have seen one of his battle notes to a colleague of mine, and let’s just say I was scared. Voorhees wants this win so bad I heard he is accepting same day art request.
Barb Foerstel vs Sharon Adams match should be interesting. These two have very different styles of fighting.
Travis Gessely vs Jan Grundig match is going to be more than just entertaining for all of us it is going to be inspirational. Jan is the UC Irvine of the UFC. I’m calling an upset!! Travis has been walking around the office like a zombie. He still hasn’t figured out why everything with a Jenny Finch or a Cat Ostermann signature on it turns to gold. Don’t judge Jan’s book by the cover she is a fighter. She is going to take advantage of Travis in his zombie like state of mind and advance to the 2nd round. If you don’t believe me just wait and see. It doesn’t matter how many different colored pants or bags Travis is developing Jan is going to walk away a winner. Let’s face it Travis’ showing last year was a fluke!!
Good luck to all the competitor this year, and hang on tight for a wild ride.
