Halftime's over punks. Both D.Whiteside and J.Voorhees drank a couple gallons of Gatorade and ate a couple chili cheese dogs (they were out of manburgers) to power up for the second half while the Rawlings UFC creator, Mr. Andy Pawlowski, (he's not only a fighter, but the President) pumped up the crowd with a rousing speech. "I remember when I first started this........." snooze-fest.
Whiteside threw everyone for a not-so-pleasant loop when he came out of the locker room dressed as one of his positions….his most favorite position….dragqueen. J2 was scared b/c he's been burned by dragqueens before (they just wont shut their mouths), but he was ready to seek some revenge. Denny received the first point of the half for talking in an extra sexy girly voice when he entered the ring. Whiteside extends 19.5-14.5-2 over Voorhees and Baer.
Unfortunately for both J2 and Big Sexy, this only attracted Big John Grizzly Baer to the ring once again. He snatched Denny up like a salmon in a stream and tossed him out of the ring. He reached for J2 and J2 just jumped out, deciding it would probably make the Grizzly happier if he didn't attempt to catch himself….at all. John gains 2 points and some forest cred (since bears don't need street cred).
J-to-the-two, though in pain, was still thinking of ways to get points. He figured this was his chance. Whiteside was tugging at his pantyhose and the Grizz was taunting the Maryville employees, so J2 jumped at the chance. He sprinted over to Denny used his own sheep sheers (France pees his pants everytime those things come out) and shaved all of Denny's hair except his goatee. J2 then yelled "Brother" and hugged that big juicy hunk of man with a side of white. Score: Whiteside 19.5, Lark Voorhies 15.5, Grizzly Adams 4.
Baer was furious that he didn't get in on this hugging, so he grew into a Kodiak (Farrar starts salivating) and went after the fighters once again. He picked J2 and DW up and spun them around like a top (note that Denny still has a skirt on at this point and its fully extended like a ballerina twirling). Baer starting disco dancing around them….just because its fun to dance. He danced with one, then the other, then by himself like the drunk girl at the party, and then danced to the scorers table and gave himself some more points. (You should be picturing lights lower, disco ball, and a dance routine by the Maryville employees going on at this point). The Kodiak/Grizzly shimmied back to the middle of the ring and stopped the twirlers. Score: Whiteside 19.5, J2 15.5, Baer 9. Could a non-ufcer take the match?
J2 and Denny were both dizzy, but its time to team up and get this Baer out of the ring and send him back to the Tech center den where he came from. (Where last week I actually witnessed a fight between a garage door and a forklift, ha.) Whiteside and J2 held hands (no that's nothing unusual) and ran towards Baer giving him the classic clothesline move….we'll give both fighters a point for that one. Denny and J2 then totally nailed the Top Gun high-then-back-down-low-five for another half point each.
Score: Whiteside 21, J2 17, Baer 9 as we near the end of the second annual Rawlings UFC. (don't get too excited though b/c there are still plenty of points left in this title match).
Its at this point in the match that you can see in the fighters eyes who really wants it (like Williams when an entire sheet cake sits in the graphics dept.) It was go time.
Johnny Baery went nuts. He kicked J2, he kicked Denny, he kicked Robert (Oops), he kicked one of Sizemore's old 1970's lamps (watch it, that's a collectors item), and kicked himself in the nose with his knee. (Have you ever done that when youre kicking something real hard? It sucks). He gave an eye-jab and then a vulgar and insulting signal to the Crowd. Baer has taken more attention away from the fighters than Puffy does to Biggy in all his videos. He earns a bunch of points for this, but then goes into hibernation right before he finished off the fighters.
Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside stood up, dusted himself off, looked at the scorers table and rubbed his eyes. Could his dream have just came true? He read the score outloud….J2 had 17, the Grizzly had 15, and GO CRAZY FOLKS, GO CRAZY!! Denny ran around the office crying as his mascara also ran. Being Big and Sexy for this long finally paid off!! Denny Whiteside is the winner of the 2007 Rawlings UFC. Congratualtions.
Good job to all the fighters this year and all the fans out there. Stop by Denny's cube and ask him what he won. You'll be impressed….trust me.
That's all folks. Play with as much fire as you want, who cares.
Oh, and second place is the first loser. No Fear.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
UFC Title Game Begins.
That's right, it is half time of your 2007 UFC title match. The perfect time to settle down for a nice Man Burger and a glass of Monavie. (shrimp flavored)
It's Halloween season, the perfect time for Jason Voorhees. But let me tell you, Denny has seen like every Halloween movie. And he isn't scared. This is a matchup of office super powers. Of movers and shakers. (sometimes equal amounts of both) Voorhees once worked for 3 years as an unpaid intern. (side note: the intern program is now only 11 weeks). Whiteside once worked 3 shifts, only one of which was paid.
This matchup started a long time ago. You see, Denny has another job. Well, several. At Rawlings, he has at last count 14 positions that he currently handles:
Glove R&D Developer
K2 Hall of Fame star maker/thrower
Glove Graphic Designer
Glove Break in Supervisor
Night Watchman
Glove Assistant Product manager
Historian
Security Guard
Inventor
Judge (when disagreements arise between Williams and Farrar)
Actor (starred in Glove Busters and a Cooperstown video, along with past videos that cannot be spoken of)
Sheep Shearer
Inspector #3
Drag Queen (I might recommend staying home on Halloween)
What? Glove Graphic designer? Yes, that's right. This UFC battle has been brewing ever since Whiteside bought a street version of PhotoShop in China on a R&D trip. Denny brings it out to design and develop glove specs, as he puts it. Call it like you want to, but this battle started out as a good old fashioned Graphics Bake Off.
Voorhees brought it early. A tasty concoction of graphics that took some name marketing dreamed up and made it look cool. He then printed it, put it on a bat, and made 16 tee shirt concepts to promote it. Voorhees led 3-0.
Whiteside countered, sending an email overnight (apparently Denny hasn't yet realized he doesn't have to work both during US business hours and Tri Phil business hours) to his Tri Phil attack partners and they sourced a new product concept which was in our offices by noon. 4-3 Whiteside.
John "Grizzly" Baer entered the fray. Apparently he was not happy with either design. While they might look cool, they just weren't practical. His head shake told it all. But then he went in for his patented move, the "Baer" Hug. Wow. This was a painful and awkward move that we just should have seen coming. 2 points for Baer.
Whiteside went back to work, this time shearing a sheep (which he stole from J2 who was obviously busy counting them) and making it into a fluffy yet fashionable coat of armor. Whiteside led 9.5 - 3.5.
Voorhees responded, by ripping away one of his long sleeves. We all knew Voorhees was up for fighting when he showed up for work in a long-sleeved shirt. Long sleeves, you see, are professional, and nicely hide his intimidating man muscles.... and tattoos. As Denny turned to see what that strange noise was, making a ripping sound, Voorhees hit him up (white) side the head with his fully sleeved arm. A nice move on the disco floor and a nice move in the UFC. and, yes, he jazz handed in celebration. This match evened tight at 9.5-8.5 Denny.
Whiteside came back, hitting Voorhees with a thunderous smack from his palm. (no, he didn't feel it. Whiteside had invented a way to insert his hand into the punch that removed the pressure from his thumb - eliminating any possibility of a bone bruise. He then unrolled a huge sheath of leather (not sure if that is proper glove lingo or not), turned Voorhees into a stamp, and pressed out a nice leather version of our graphics prodigy. Whiteside extended a comfy 15.5-8.5 lead.
Voorhees though took that leather and turned it into a battle cape - wearing it more proudly than (almost) anyone had ever worn leather in the office. This battle armor tightened the gap to 15.5-10.5 . As his graphics peers designed battle signs (most of them cleverly drawn), the crowds roared. A special sign designed by Dorsey drove the Hispanic crowd to applaud. Everyone was at their feet as Voorhees jazz handed the crowd. 15.5-14.5!
Whiteside though is used to loud sounds - whether it be the roar of the Harley or the roar of Malloy's cube air warmer, he's heard it all. And he's practically deaf by now anyway. As he put it, "when you're in the zone, you hear nothing." And with that Whiteside peeled out in a thunderous move best called the Wheelie, and best not felt. Unfortunately Voohees felt it.
Halftime.
Whiteside leads 18.5-14.5-2 over Voorhees and Baer.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's finale. And, if you haven't voted, you have one day left.
It's not how you start. it's how you finish.
It's Halloween season, the perfect time for Jason Voorhees. But let me tell you, Denny has seen like every Halloween movie. And he isn't scared. This is a matchup of office super powers. Of movers and shakers. (sometimes equal amounts of both) Voorhees once worked for 3 years as an unpaid intern. (side note: the intern program is now only 11 weeks). Whiteside once worked 3 shifts, only one of which was paid.
This matchup started a long time ago. You see, Denny has another job. Well, several. At Rawlings, he has at last count 14 positions that he currently handles:
Glove R&D Developer
K2 Hall of Fame star maker/thrower
Glove Graphic Designer
Glove Break in Supervisor
Night Watchman
Glove Assistant Product manager
Historian
Security Guard
Inventor
Judge (when disagreements arise between Williams and Farrar)
Actor (starred in Glove Busters and a Cooperstown video, along with past videos that cannot be spoken of)
Sheep Shearer
Inspector #3
Drag Queen (I might recommend staying home on Halloween)
What? Glove Graphic designer? Yes, that's right. This UFC battle has been brewing ever since Whiteside bought a street version of PhotoShop in China on a R&D trip. Denny brings it out to design and develop glove specs, as he puts it. Call it like you want to, but this battle started out as a good old fashioned Graphics Bake Off.
Voorhees brought it early. A tasty concoction of graphics that took some name marketing dreamed up and made it look cool. He then printed it, put it on a bat, and made 16 tee shirt concepts to promote it. Voorhees led 3-0.
Whiteside countered, sending an email overnight (apparently Denny hasn't yet realized he doesn't have to work both during US business hours and Tri Phil business hours) to his Tri Phil attack partners and they sourced a new product concept which was in our offices by noon. 4-3 Whiteside.
John "Grizzly" Baer entered the fray. Apparently he was not happy with either design. While they might look cool, they just weren't practical. His head shake told it all. But then he went in for his patented move, the "Baer" Hug. Wow. This was a painful and awkward move that we just should have seen coming. 2 points for Baer.
Whiteside went back to work, this time shearing a sheep (which he stole from J2 who was obviously busy counting them) and making it into a fluffy yet fashionable coat of armor. Whiteside led 9.5 - 3.5.
Voorhees responded, by ripping away one of his long sleeves. We all knew Voorhees was up for fighting when he showed up for work in a long-sleeved shirt. Long sleeves, you see, are professional, and nicely hide his intimidating man muscles.... and tattoos. As Denny turned to see what that strange noise was, making a ripping sound, Voorhees hit him up (white) side the head with his fully sleeved arm. A nice move on the disco floor and a nice move in the UFC. and, yes, he jazz handed in celebration. This match evened tight at 9.5-8.5 Denny.
Whiteside came back, hitting Voorhees with a thunderous smack from his palm. (no, he didn't feel it. Whiteside had invented a way to insert his hand into the punch that removed the pressure from his thumb - eliminating any possibility of a bone bruise. He then unrolled a huge sheath of leather (not sure if that is proper glove lingo or not), turned Voorhees into a stamp, and pressed out a nice leather version of our graphics prodigy. Whiteside extended a comfy 15.5-8.5 lead.
Voorhees though took that leather and turned it into a battle cape - wearing it more proudly than (almost) anyone had ever worn leather in the office. This battle armor tightened the gap to 15.5-10.5 . As his graphics peers designed battle signs (most of them cleverly drawn), the crowds roared. A special sign designed by Dorsey drove the Hispanic crowd to applaud. Everyone was at their feet as Voorhees jazz handed the crowd. 15.5-14.5!
Whiteside though is used to loud sounds - whether it be the roar of the Harley or the roar of Malloy's cube air warmer, he's heard it all. And he's practically deaf by now anyway. As he put it, "when you're in the zone, you hear nothing." And with that Whiteside peeled out in a thunderous move best called the Wheelie, and best not felt. Unfortunately Voohees felt it.
Halftime.
Whiteside leads 18.5-14.5-2 over Voorhees and Baer.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's finale. And, if you haven't voted, you have one day left.
It's not how you start. it's how you finish.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
a sexy ride!
Denny purred. Well his bike did, that is. Today was a beautiful day, and he was ready to take it for a ride. Now, if you haven't had the pleasure of riding behind Denny on the bike, let me tell you (well I haven't either, I'm just reading this from the expressions on the faces of people who have!) the view is challenging and you'd better find something to hold onto. Denny's bike is really made for one to own the road, but he made an exception this morning. Whiteside arrived at McCartney's desk, lunged over and in a Fireman's Carry maneuver last seen when France was in better shape, carried the startled but purring McCartney over his shoulder onto the bike.
The next part of the Whiteside ride is simple. You wait until he is affixed in his place and then you climb on. That's what Jason did, because he didn't want to upset D-W. In a move part love and part UFC, Whiteside sent Jason on a UFC roller coaster ride that left Jason's insides in a jungle gym of turmoil. When they arrived back in the offices, Whiteside led 9-3. (Jason had grabbed onto Whiteside a little too tight during the ride, which narrowed the gap just a little)
McCartney is also an inventor, inventing such things as the Lightning glove idea to the waist high sock and the Fenton jacket (which didn't take off). He also, as you know likes to paint (as he dabbled around in Washington and once modeled for a local art class... and by local, I mean inner-company). Anyways, McCartney had invented the battle board. This is a unique tool that allows you to look as if you are working in photoshop while you are, in effect moving a robotic arm into place. This arm operated a lot like the arms do in those machines you find in bars or restaurants (where you try to win a stuffed football by catching it in the clamps). McCartney moved the arm into place, then dove it straight down and it lifted Whiteside to the sky, in a Robotic Atomic Wedgie move that would've made the B.A.B.E. itself happy, if robots could be happy that is. The score knotted closer at 9-8. J Mac got up from his chair, rolled up his cuffs, and leaped in a crazy move last seen in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The special effects would've been crazy, if Jason needed them. But they were crazy as it was. The Whiteside fell behind 11-9, as he fell off the robotic arm onto the ground.
But Whiteside is bringing the sexy back into the office. Big Sexy in the City, that is. Obviously ready for his movie role, where he'll need no stunt double, Denny rose without even bending his legs. He then reached into his satchel (because all cowboy heroes carry satchels) and pulled out some kind of throwing star which he most obviously had drawn himself in a photoshop-lite type program, then emailed to tri phil, sourced, and had shipped back to him. It was crazy, it was painful, it was unpredictable (ever experience anything like that?) Jason tried to defend himself, but the mad skills on display by the Whiteside were irrefutable. Whiteside roared (or snored) like his Harley as he delivered that fatal blow to the hopes of an all graphics UFC title bout.
Whiteside prevails, 17-12, advancing to the UFC Title Match versus Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees.
The matchup will take place in 2 weeks, like the Super Bowl... as these two are now going on a UFC tour, promoting the finals. Stay tuned for more updates. And, heck, in the meantime, feel free to go and play with fire. Just don't get burned.
The next part of the Whiteside ride is simple. You wait until he is affixed in his place and then you climb on. That's what Jason did, because he didn't want to upset D-W. In a move part love and part UFC, Whiteside sent Jason on a UFC roller coaster ride that left Jason's insides in a jungle gym of turmoil. When they arrived back in the offices, Whiteside led 9-3. (Jason had grabbed onto Whiteside a little too tight during the ride, which narrowed the gap just a little)
McCartney is also an inventor, inventing such things as the Lightning glove idea to the waist high sock and the Fenton jacket (which didn't take off). He also, as you know likes to paint (as he dabbled around in Washington and once modeled for a local art class... and by local, I mean inner-company). Anyways, McCartney had invented the battle board. This is a unique tool that allows you to look as if you are working in photoshop while you are, in effect moving a robotic arm into place. This arm operated a lot like the arms do in those machines you find in bars or restaurants (where you try to win a stuffed football by catching it in the clamps). McCartney moved the arm into place, then dove it straight down and it lifted Whiteside to the sky, in a Robotic Atomic Wedgie move that would've made the B.A.B.E. itself happy, if robots could be happy that is. The score knotted closer at 9-8. J Mac got up from his chair, rolled up his cuffs, and leaped in a crazy move last seen in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The special effects would've been crazy, if Jason needed them. But they were crazy as it was. The Whiteside fell behind 11-9, as he fell off the robotic arm onto the ground.
But Whiteside is bringing the sexy back into the office. Big Sexy in the City, that is. Obviously ready for his movie role, where he'll need no stunt double, Denny rose without even bending his legs. He then reached into his satchel (because all cowboy heroes carry satchels) and pulled out some kind of throwing star which he most obviously had drawn himself in a photoshop-lite type program, then emailed to tri phil, sourced, and had shipped back to him. It was crazy, it was painful, it was unpredictable (ever experience anything like that?) Jason tried to defend himself, but the mad skills on display by the Whiteside were irrefutable. Whiteside roared (or snored) like his Harley as he delivered that fatal blow to the hopes of an all graphics UFC title bout.
Whiteside prevails, 17-12, advancing to the UFC Title Match versus Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees.
The matchup will take place in 2 weeks, like the Super Bowl... as these two are now going on a UFC tour, promoting the finals. Stay tuned for more updates. And, heck, in the meantime, feel free to go and play with fire. Just don't get burned.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
a grudge match. seriously.
Wow, this was more than a matchup. This was a matchup of beauty versus beauty. Of a catalog model versus a catalog designer. Of two former interns - one who was forced to leave because Seth's intern experience ended, the other who was forced to leave because it was just getting awkward. Both are now hired and regular employees (as regular as you could call them), but both have that chip on their shoulder, that feeling that the world is against them.
Well, this one started in an awkward spot, Clubbing on a Wednesday. Ryan "The Closer" Farrar checked in at his evening destination, when the burly bouncer asked for his ID. Farrar handed him his wallet. He was promptly tossed from the club, as it is apparently not funny to present a license with your face as a unicorn's. Stupid graphics and this "PhotoShop" program, thought Ryan as he sat on the curb and sipped his smoothie. Voorhees had set the tone, and he had threatened with Ryan's most prized possession: Mojo.
(Side note: Farrar doesn't take missing opportunities to go out lightly. He once skipped a kickball matchup to go out.)
Back to the fight. This was Farrar and Away the most painful start one could imagine for an Elite 8 battle. Voorhees went to work early. And when I say went to work, I mean it. When Farrar entered work (Mojo all off kilter), he reached his cube and found it "occupied". Voorhees had cleverly designed a number (7) that confused the office movers and instead swapped Farrar's office equipment and put it somewhere else. In Ryan's cube, in fact was simply a microwave and a package of partially popped popcorn, along with a note that said (in a fancy font that showed movement and felt techy) "If you want to see something get popped all the way, look in the mirror behind you."
Wow, what could that mean, thought Ryan?
He looked behind him and saw a mirror - obviously moved in from somewhere else. How in the world did that fancy #7 get designed? And where was his stuff? Oh well, he turned around to look in the mirror. But the only thing he saw was his own reflection. Ryan flashed a smile (sometimes he makes himself smile) then suddenly, it came. From behind the mirror jumped a leather-vested adversary (Voorhees, not Zumbach) who delivered a HOH bull-like stampede into the grill of Farrar. Let's just say that Ryan ended up with two fist tattoos, one on each cheek. Wow.
Voorhees led 8-2. He extended the lead to 14-2 as Farrar attempted calling his office phone, trying to locate his new cube. No luck. Anger billowed inside the young Farrar. Do you know how Farrar he'd come? He didn't work so hard as an intern to just lie down and give up. So he popped an energy drink out of his new holdster slot (an innovation Greg Williams devised out of spare leather pieces and leftover scraps from Bob Clevenhagen's Washington toy workshop), slammed it, and felt the vibe of adrenaline surge. He put his weight on his one good leg and body checked the leather warrior across the first floor into the graphics octagon. This cut the gap to 16-8.
There he saw his desk, or at least it looked like his desk - who else would keep a wad of black chew behind their laptop, right? Right. Farrar grabbed his energy chew and popped it in. Voorhees was taken aback by his fearlessness (cutting the gap to 16-11) in putting topsoil in his mouth. But Farrar figured that out. Too late.
When the mood was getting just plain crazy, Voorhees pulled them out. The jazz hands. As he dazzled and jazzled, Farrar became hypnotized. Voorhees stopped, took a quick picture of the dazed Farrar, faked a chef's costume on him, cropped it, cleaned it up, and put it on a flyer Hilton was doing for Buffalo Wild Wings. Then, having finished his work, he completed the job - in the form of a Peg Leg style power knee. He was back at his desk before Jeff France even noticed he'd left. Or so he thought.
Voorhees advances to the title match, edging Farrar in a tighter than it seemed 25-11 victory (no it wasn't.)
Who will he fight? You decide. They are up now:
#3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney versus #1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside
Hit Reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
Good luck.
And don't play with fire. It might crackle and seem fun, but it isn't.
Well, this one started in an awkward spot, Clubbing on a Wednesday. Ryan "The Closer" Farrar checked in at his evening destination, when the burly bouncer asked for his ID. Farrar handed him his wallet. He was promptly tossed from the club, as it is apparently not funny to present a license with your face as a unicorn's. Stupid graphics and this "PhotoShop" program, thought Ryan as he sat on the curb and sipped his smoothie. Voorhees had set the tone, and he had threatened with Ryan's most prized possession: Mojo.
(Side note: Farrar doesn't take missing opportunities to go out lightly. He once skipped a kickball matchup to go out.)
Back to the fight. This was Farrar and Away the most painful start one could imagine for an Elite 8 battle. Voorhees went to work early. And when I say went to work, I mean it. When Farrar entered work (Mojo all off kilter), he reached his cube and found it "occupied". Voorhees had cleverly designed a number (7) that confused the office movers and instead swapped Farrar's office equipment and put it somewhere else. In Ryan's cube, in fact was simply a microwave and a package of partially popped popcorn, along with a note that said (in a fancy font that showed movement and felt techy) "If you want to see something get popped all the way, look in the mirror behind you."
Wow, what could that mean, thought Ryan?
He looked behind him and saw a mirror - obviously moved in from somewhere else. How in the world did that fancy #7 get designed? And where was his stuff? Oh well, he turned around to look in the mirror. But the only thing he saw was his own reflection. Ryan flashed a smile (sometimes he makes himself smile) then suddenly, it came. From behind the mirror jumped a leather-vested adversary (Voorhees, not Zumbach) who delivered a HOH bull-like stampede into the grill of Farrar. Let's just say that Ryan ended up with two fist tattoos, one on each cheek. Wow.
Voorhees led 8-2. He extended the lead to 14-2 as Farrar attempted calling his office phone, trying to locate his new cube. No luck. Anger billowed inside the young Farrar. Do you know how Farrar he'd come? He didn't work so hard as an intern to just lie down and give up. So he popped an energy drink out of his new holdster slot (an innovation Greg Williams devised out of spare leather pieces and leftover scraps from Bob Clevenhagen's Washington toy workshop), slammed it, and felt the vibe of adrenaline surge. He put his weight on his one good leg and body checked the leather warrior across the first floor into the graphics octagon. This cut the gap to 16-8.
There he saw his desk, or at least it looked like his desk - who else would keep a wad of black chew behind their laptop, right? Right. Farrar grabbed his energy chew and popped it in. Voorhees was taken aback by his fearlessness (cutting the gap to 16-11) in putting topsoil in his mouth. But Farrar figured that out. Too late.
When the mood was getting just plain crazy, Voorhees pulled them out. The jazz hands. As he dazzled and jazzled, Farrar became hypnotized. Voorhees stopped, took a quick picture of the dazed Farrar, faked a chef's costume on him, cropped it, cleaned it up, and put it on a flyer Hilton was doing for Buffalo Wild Wings. Then, having finished his work, he completed the job - in the form of a Peg Leg style power knee. He was back at his desk before Jeff France even noticed he'd left. Or so he thought.
Voorhees advances to the title match, edging Farrar in a tighter than it seemed 25-11 victory (no it wasn't.)
Who will he fight? You decide. They are up now:
#3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney versus #1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside
Hit Reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
Good luck.
And don't play with fire. It might crackle and seem fun, but it isn't.
Monday, September 24, 2007
A battle of superhero proportions
I know what you're thinking, right? We ALL know Logan "Out For" Justice is a superhero. But Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney? Isn't he just a graphics guy? Yes. But he's a graphics guy who has worked on superhero images and put them on playground balls. So, this is clearly a dead-even fight going in.
Well, Logan started off in trouble. McCartney arrived at work, or maybe never left (it is catalog season) and painted a second Rawlings entrance on the outside of the building - in the finest painting job seen since the floors of the Washington Warehouse were crafted by McCartney over a lunch hour during inventory season several years ago. Logan walked towards the building in a hurry. You know, the Logan Speedwalk is famous in the building - she has the fastest walk this side of Dan Cullinane - and she unfortunately walked straight into the building, as McCartney's faux door trick had worked to perfection. Justice remained outside, perplexed, as many of us have at one time or another done as we stared at the work of one of these "artists." Nonetheless this awkward period of seeing Logan walk into the building followed by perplexed staring allowed McCartney to extend an early 6-2 lead. (Logan did get two points for the speed at which she did this and for her ability to gaze into McCartney's work). Kuato gazed calmly back at Justice - staring from his perch where J-Mac had painted him.
Meanwhile, out from another painted door ran McCartney. (He had made a banner like the kind seen at local high school football games but with a fake Rawlings facade on it - this banner had in fact been designed as a potential facade for the Rawlings Group before later settling on cobbling the one we have today out of brick.) But like many a graphics project, it looked real - real enough to confuse us less artsy types. But the only look Justice saw was an angry, ripped, graphics powersource known as McCartney and an equally angry, not so ripped, crazy growth known as Kuato. Both delivered angry bellows that led to an 11-2 lead.
But Justice is Served. And it's best served Icy Cold. Logan, in fact had figured out where the real door was and had sprinted into the building. She ran into the first floor break room and grabbed the ice machine, quickly rearranged it into a staple gun-like apparatus, and began to shoot ice pellets at McCartney, cooling his heat down to the tune of an 11-7 lead. She then tossed the ice machine in the air, and delivered a cartwheel-style roundhouse kick of surprise knotting the score at 11. Next, she asked for revisions to the bat line, just because she could see the future and knew they wouldn't be quite right. These would need to be done "yesterday", because even a superhero can't turn back time. This tactic, the quick deadline, is often employed by marketing or sales personnel to great dismay in the graphics universe. When used properly, it leads to a graphics period known as "chattering amongst themselves" followed by a billowing of anger, followed by getting things done even better than imagined. Justice sailed to a 16-12 lead.
McCartney though pulled out his secret weapon (no, not Kuato. Kuato just distracted Justice with crazy riddles while J-Mac went to work). He called for his chariot. Within 50 minutes, the Washington Bobcat cart had arrived and J-Mac had his driver, a gentle lassy who while a bit wild and crazy for most of us provided the distraction while J-Mac delivered the smoke. As in instant power mixed with crazy skill and scary tattoos (not unlike J2's) in a firestorm best left for the history books. Or the timeline that will one day fill our offices.
McCartney used this BobCat cart attack to his advantage, riding it over to Justice where he delivered the a 19-17 victory and advancing on to the Rawlings UFC Final Four!
Here is your final 4 Schedule:
Tuesday: Stewing Day. Hope you're hungry.
Wednesday: #5 Ryan Farrar vs. #6 Jason Voorhees
Thursday: #1 Denny Whiteside vs #3 Jason McCartney
Friday: TITLE BOUT!
Well, Logan started off in trouble. McCartney arrived at work, or maybe never left (it is catalog season) and painted a second Rawlings entrance on the outside of the building - in the finest painting job seen since the floors of the Washington Warehouse were crafted by McCartney over a lunch hour during inventory season several years ago. Logan walked towards the building in a hurry. You know, the Logan Speedwalk is famous in the building - she has the fastest walk this side of Dan Cullinane - and she unfortunately walked straight into the building, as McCartney's faux door trick had worked to perfection. Justice remained outside, perplexed, as many of us have at one time or another done as we stared at the work of one of these "artists." Nonetheless this awkward period of seeing Logan walk into the building followed by perplexed staring allowed McCartney to extend an early 6-2 lead. (Logan did get two points for the speed at which she did this and for her ability to gaze into McCartney's work). Kuato gazed calmly back at Justice - staring from his perch where J-Mac had painted him.
Meanwhile, out from another painted door ran McCartney. (He had made a banner like the kind seen at local high school football games but with a fake Rawlings facade on it - this banner had in fact been designed as a potential facade for the Rawlings Group before later settling on cobbling the one we have today out of brick.) But like many a graphics project, it looked real - real enough to confuse us less artsy types. But the only look Justice saw was an angry, ripped, graphics powersource known as McCartney and an equally angry, not so ripped, crazy growth known as Kuato. Both delivered angry bellows that led to an 11-2 lead.
But Justice is Served. And it's best served Icy Cold. Logan, in fact had figured out where the real door was and had sprinted into the building. She ran into the first floor break room and grabbed the ice machine, quickly rearranged it into a staple gun-like apparatus, and began to shoot ice pellets at McCartney, cooling his heat down to the tune of an 11-7 lead. She then tossed the ice machine in the air, and delivered a cartwheel-style roundhouse kick of surprise knotting the score at 11. Next, she asked for revisions to the bat line, just because she could see the future and knew they wouldn't be quite right. These would need to be done "yesterday", because even a superhero can't turn back time. This tactic, the quick deadline, is often employed by marketing or sales personnel to great dismay in the graphics universe. When used properly, it leads to a graphics period known as "chattering amongst themselves" followed by a billowing of anger, followed by getting things done even better than imagined. Justice sailed to a 16-12 lead.
McCartney though pulled out his secret weapon (no, not Kuato. Kuato just distracted Justice with crazy riddles while J-Mac went to work). He called for his chariot. Within 50 minutes, the Washington Bobcat cart had arrived and J-Mac had his driver, a gentle lassy who while a bit wild and crazy for most of us provided the distraction while J-Mac delivered the smoke. As in instant power mixed with crazy skill and scary tattoos (not unlike J2's) in a firestorm best left for the history books. Or the timeline that will one day fill our offices.
McCartney used this BobCat cart attack to his advantage, riding it over to Justice where he delivered the a 19-17 victory and advancing on to the Rawlings UFC Final Four!
Here is your final 4 Schedule:
Tuesday: Stewing Day. Hope you're hungry.
Wednesday: #5 Ryan Farrar vs. #6 Jason Voorhees
Thursday: #1 Denny Whiteside vs #3 Jason McCartney
Friday: TITLE BOUT!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Shaw(Shank) Redemption?
Chicago Final: #5 Ryan "The Closer" Farrar vs. #10 Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption"
That's the match up, don't wear it out.
In the Windy City you don't have a regional championship without drama. I won't even spare the drama for my Momma, I'll share it with you.
Ryan "The Closer" Farrar , just like cable's #1 drama of all time, "The Closer," starring Golden Globe winner Kyra Sedgwick, is sure to be the favorite in this fight right? I mean he's fighting a girl!! But he gets nervous around girls, so anything could happen.
Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption" , just like the seven time Academy Award nominated movie Shaw Shank Redemption, is by no means an easy opponent, but will she end up with no Oscar's like the film? Or will she come away with the ultimate trophy…..Ryan's heart and sole…..
Both fighters were eager to get going with Becky fresh off her first marriage, Ryan fresh off another injury (it was just the weekend you know), and a clear mind for both. Ryan was the first to earn points for driving to work using the wrong foot. 4-0 Ryan. Becky was quick to slash back doing her best OJ impersonation by running over Ryan like the Juice in his prime. (I bet you thought I was going in a whole nother direction with that didn't cha…that's right, but I didn't). Score tied at 4 each.
Becky doesn't really like football and started feeling sorry for poor Ryan. Ryan decided that he would quickly grow a goatee to make himself look tougher (point) and growled at Becky (point) making her run screaming like a girl (point). Becky's only escape was through a tiny crawl space she had been patiently digging through her cube wall since we moved into the new office giving her a point. Score: 7-5 with the closer leading
Becky's lack of planning showed here (not that I'm saying she has a lack of planning usually) as she fell into Hoying's cube beside her. Ryan found her quickly, but not too quickly because he's limping. He grabbed her by the hair and dunked her into Hoying's tiny basketball hoop (2 points of course) and then stepped back and shot her again through the hoop, but from long distance giving him 3 points. Pretty standard rules really. Score: 12-5 Ry-guy.
Becky got up like a hockey player and played through her injuries. She even got a couple stitches on the side lines between periods. When the buzzer sounded (it was actually a phone ringing) she jumped over a cube and elbow dropped Ryan like some throw back WWF. Ryan cried, you should have seen it. He even sucked his thumb a little. Score: 12-6, Ryan doubling Becky still.
While sucking his thumb, Ryan remembered that he had stuff to do before he could go out that night so he went ahead and finished Becky off. He simply put up a trip wire and called Becky over. She fell into the Lion's den (a real lions den that Ryan had dug and put the large cats in earlier this summer. Don't ask to see it, Rita hasn't told Duke about it yet). Ryan finished Becky like Sherman finishes hamburgers….too early and without changing his gloves. Game over. Ryan wins 15-6 over Becky.
Tuesday 9/18: Rio Final: A UFC 2.0 match up (you send in your battle description):
#12 Lindsey "Knee Brace" Naber vs. #6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees
That's the match up, don't wear it out.
In the Windy City you don't have a regional championship without drama. I won't even spare the drama for my Momma, I'll share it with you.
Ryan "The Closer" Farrar , just like cable's #1 drama of all time, "The Closer," starring Golden Globe winner Kyra Sedgwick, is sure to be the favorite in this fight right? I mean he's fighting a girl!! But he gets nervous around girls, so anything could happen.
Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption" , just like the seven time Academy Award nominated movie Shaw Shank Redemption, is by no means an easy opponent, but will she end up with no Oscar's like the film? Or will she come away with the ultimate trophy…..Ryan's heart and sole…..
Both fighters were eager to get going with Becky fresh off her first marriage, Ryan fresh off another injury (it was just the weekend you know), and a clear mind for both. Ryan was the first to earn points for driving to work using the wrong foot. 4-0 Ryan. Becky was quick to slash back doing her best OJ impersonation by running over Ryan like the Juice in his prime. (I bet you thought I was going in a whole nother direction with that didn't cha…that's right, but I didn't). Score tied at 4 each.
Becky doesn't really like football and started feeling sorry for poor Ryan. Ryan decided that he would quickly grow a goatee to make himself look tougher (point) and growled at Becky (point) making her run screaming like a girl (point). Becky's only escape was through a tiny crawl space she had been patiently digging through her cube wall since we moved into the new office giving her a point. Score: 7-5 with the closer leading
Becky's lack of planning showed here (not that I'm saying she has a lack of planning usually) as she fell into Hoying's cube beside her. Ryan found her quickly, but not too quickly because he's limping. He grabbed her by the hair and dunked her into Hoying's tiny basketball hoop (2 points of course) and then stepped back and shot her again through the hoop, but from long distance giving him 3 points. Pretty standard rules really. Score: 12-5 Ry-guy.
Becky got up like a hockey player and played through her injuries. She even got a couple stitches on the side lines between periods. When the buzzer sounded (it was actually a phone ringing) she jumped over a cube and elbow dropped Ryan like some throw back WWF. Ryan cried, you should have seen it. He even sucked his thumb a little. Score: 12-6, Ryan doubling Becky still.
While sucking his thumb, Ryan remembered that he had stuff to do before he could go out that night so he went ahead and finished Becky off. He simply put up a trip wire and called Becky over. She fell into the Lion's den (a real lions den that Ryan had dug and put the large cats in earlier this summer. Don't ask to see it, Rita hasn't told Duke about it yet). Ryan finished Becky like Sherman finishes hamburgers….too early and without changing his gloves. Game over. Ryan wins 15-6 over Becky.
Tuesday 9/18: Rio Final: A UFC 2.0 match up (you send in your battle description):
#12 Lindsey "Knee Brace" Naber vs. #6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Battle for the honor of the graphics universe
The setup for today's matchup between #3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney and #2 Kate "Bleepin" Ranzini began at the doorway to the castle. The castle you see had been thought by many to contain secrets that would allow you to conquer Eternia. McCartney wanted in. He likes secrets. So he arrived at the castle riding on his large battle cat, Cringer. Now for those of you who do not know, McCartney had already proclaimed himself the most powerful man in the Graphics Universe (or gu as it is known to outsiders) and was set to prove it in this fight. McCartney boasts several powers which reinforce his position of power, including:
The unicorn, hauling the other graphics battle-lord, Jason Voorhees on its back appeared like a shiny star on a rainy night. Voorhees, who is reportedly upset at being referred to as J2 (he claims to be the original), delivered a hit with each of his tattoos (or splashing ink as it's called in the tattoo fight clubs). Anyways, he was gone in a flash and left this crazy fight to continue.
McCartney used this as an opportunity to deploy a couple of battle orbs into the sky, while flexing loudly and then he let it out - the Super Breath technique we warned you about earlier. The breath whipped Kate's hair back in an all-too-unfamiliar manner, extending Jason's lead to 8-4-1. Kate's hair bounced back perfectly, closing the gap to 8-6-1. This ironic sequence of Super Breaths and Super Resilience (of hair) continued like one of those hand dryers in a bathroom that won't stay on long enough. McCartney led 13-11-1.
That's when Jason revealed his Crystal Belt - and with one press of a startling button on that belt, Ranzini dozed over. As in fight over. As in the graphics universe was still in tact.
McCartney wins 15-11-1 over Ranzini and Voorhees. He advances to the finals of the E-Ville Regional against Logan "Out for" Justice.
Up next, your Elite 8! Here's the battle schedules:
TODAY: Chicago Final: #5 Ryan "The Closer" Farrar vs. #10 Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption"
Tuesday 9/18: Rio Final: A UFC 2.0 matchup (you send in your battle description): #12 Lindsey "Knee Brace" Naber vs. #6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees
Wednesday and Thursday: Stewing Days (no fighting, just heavy stewing)
Friday 9/21:Sturgis Final: #1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside vs. #6 Wendy "Still Nasty, Not Newlywed" Mathis
Monday 9/24: E-Ville Final: #4 Logan "Out for" Justice vs. #3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney
Now's the time you vote. Hit reply or email us at RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
I don't care if it's a disco inferno, you still can't play with fire. Dance it out.
- Super Breath, where he blows, using the full-capacity of his lungs, a gust of wind powerful enough to knock over most opponents. Unfortunately, this does not translate into Super Wind, as he does get winded rather quickly on the basketball court.
- The Human Tornado (created with the aid of spinning a sword or small human) can divert objects. This has diverted many an art request onto the desk of other graphics warriors and amused crowds at McCartney family gatherings.
- Instant Offense (either describing scoring points in bunches or offending you in a hurry)
- Able to rub his hands together fast enough to turn sand into glass
The unicorn, hauling the other graphics battle-lord, Jason Voorhees on its back appeared like a shiny star on a rainy night. Voorhees, who is reportedly upset at being referred to as J2 (he claims to be the original), delivered a hit with each of his tattoos (or splashing ink as it's called in the tattoo fight clubs). Anyways, he was gone in a flash and left this crazy fight to continue.
McCartney used this as an opportunity to deploy a couple of battle orbs into the sky, while flexing loudly and then he let it out - the Super Breath technique we warned you about earlier. The breath whipped Kate's hair back in an all-too-unfamiliar manner, extending Jason's lead to 8-4-1. Kate's hair bounced back perfectly, closing the gap to 8-6-1. This ironic sequence of Super Breaths and Super Resilience (of hair) continued like one of those hand dryers in a bathroom that won't stay on long enough. McCartney led 13-11-1.
That's when Jason revealed his Crystal Belt - and with one press of a startling button on that belt, Ranzini dozed over. As in fight over. As in the graphics universe was still in tact.
McCartney wins 15-11-1 over Ranzini and Voorhees. He advances to the finals of the E-Ville Regional against Logan "Out for" Justice.
Up next, your Elite 8! Here's the battle schedules:
TODAY: Chicago Final: #5 Ryan "The Closer" Farrar vs. #10 Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption"
Tuesday 9/18: Rio Final: A UFC 2.0 matchup (you send in your battle description): #12 Lindsey "Knee Brace" Naber vs. #6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees
Wednesday and Thursday: Stewing Days (no fighting, just heavy stewing)
Friday 9/21:Sturgis Final: #1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside vs. #6 Wendy "Still Nasty, Not Newlywed" Mathis
Monday 9/24: E-Ville Final: #4 Logan "Out for" Justice vs. #3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney
Now's the time you vote. Hit reply or email us at RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
I don't care if it's a disco inferno, you still can't play with fire. Dance it out.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
battle on in the howells of justice
Matt "Making Ladies" Howell since (98 ALUM) came in to work a bit ragged, which can happen to a finance guy this time of year. Your eyes hurt from the spreadsheets, your fingers feel as if they're imprinted into a calculator, your mind aches because you can't figure out what day it is in both real month and accounting month languages. It's kind of like playing Tetris when the puzzle pieces start moving really fast. Meanwhile, Logan relaxed as she downed a glass of V8 and confidently stormed into work. Justice needed to be served. And served cold.
Howell was at her desk. They were going to play today's fight on his terms, in a format he likes to call "Truth or Dare."
Justice agreed. She didn't respond (Justice doesn't respond, it simply waits for the moment). Logan was up first, electing a "Dare." Howell in turn dared her to go to the cafeteria and try this morning's special, known as a smashed apple surprise. Justice went down, ordered, and was totally unprepared when Ben "Big Apple" McIntosh gave her an early morning wake-up call, making his morning presence felt as he threw an array of napkins and utensils at Justice and left. Odd but effective.
Howell in turn also elected a "Dare". (Sidebar: what UFC fighter would choose a truth? UFC fighters actually play Dare or Dare) Unfortunately for Howell, Truth or Dare against Logan is much like the original Truth or Dare movie starring Madonna in 1991 - longer than you wish it was, painful to watch, and full of unbelievable dancing. (sidebar: Madonna actually earned a Razzie for Worst Actress in this role) Justice dared Howell to do the splits. He hadn't warmed up, and he couldn't be that flexible right? Howell looked up at Justice (he does give her like 4 inches in this fight), and went down into the splits -- but did it by way of slide tackling Justice on the way. Both hit the floor, Howell in the splits position, as he took an early 4-1 lead. Ka-POW.
It was time for Justice. She took a dare. Howell dared her to go upstairs and steal "General" Lee Lummus' cell phone. (wow) It was apparent that Howell's strategy was to get others to do his dirty work. Justice teleported up to the third floor and found Lummus hiding (working) in his office. She simply looked at him and outstretched her hand. Lee yelped, but was saved (momentarily at least) by Wendy "Johnny" Mathis, who came through to body check Justice before apologizing and moving on. But not before Justice had the cell phone and the lead at 8-4.
Mathis took Lummus' cell phone and called Howell from it. (speed dial 3) His dare was up next and it was different. "Stealth disco Lummus." Now Howell can move in quick, crazy ways (hence his nickname) and he marched up to Lummus' office. Matt looked in, found Lee's blindspot (yes, that one) and grooved. A moment of utter glee swam over Howell. This was his game. It was now 8-6, then 8-7, and then, as he turned around and shook what his momma gave him, he took the lead 10-8.
An alarming sound echoed through the third floor, an unknown individual (records have this person as "Ima User@rawlings.com", which background checks have proven is actually a Rawlings email address record) had sent a virus through computers, causing plane flights (remote control kind) to be delayed and delaying the Rawlings wifi network.
Howell next dared Logan to go and ask a question about setting up a computer for an intern, smirking as he asked. Justice, however was ready. She grabbed a stash of MIS workers and sent them down like Bowling balls on Disco Bowling night Howell's way, stacking him up in a cluster. While he was down, she climbed to the top of the ropes (or cube wall) She began to raise her hands, calling on the crowd noise. She put her hand to one ear (Hulk Hogan style) and then leaped, delivering a flying Billiken elbow drop, silencing Howell and putting an end to this battle.
In the end, you see, this one went to Truth, Justice, and the American Way. Well, I guess I'd change that title to Dare, Justice, and get out of the Way. Justice prevails 18-13. She advances to meet today's winner:
#3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney vs #2 Kate "Pain" Zini
Howell was at her desk. They were going to play today's fight on his terms, in a format he likes to call "Truth or Dare."
Justice agreed. She didn't respond (Justice doesn't respond, it simply waits for the moment). Logan was up first, electing a "Dare." Howell in turn dared her to go to the cafeteria and try this morning's special, known as a smashed apple surprise. Justice went down, ordered, and was totally unprepared when Ben "Big Apple" McIntosh gave her an early morning wake-up call, making his morning presence felt as he threw an array of napkins and utensils at Justice and left. Odd but effective.
Howell in turn also elected a "Dare". (Sidebar: what UFC fighter would choose a truth? UFC fighters actually play Dare or Dare) Unfortunately for Howell, Truth or Dare against Logan is much like the original Truth or Dare movie starring Madonna in 1991 - longer than you wish it was, painful to watch, and full of unbelievable dancing. (sidebar: Madonna actually earned a Razzie for Worst Actress in this role) Justice dared Howell to do the splits. He hadn't warmed up, and he couldn't be that flexible right? Howell looked up at Justice (he does give her like 4 inches in this fight), and went down into the splits -- but did it by way of slide tackling Justice on the way. Both hit the floor, Howell in the splits position, as he took an early 4-1 lead. Ka-POW.
It was time for Justice. She took a dare. Howell dared her to go upstairs and steal "General" Lee Lummus' cell phone. (wow) It was apparent that Howell's strategy was to get others to do his dirty work. Justice teleported up to the third floor and found Lummus hiding (working) in his office. She simply looked at him and outstretched her hand. Lee yelped, but was saved (momentarily at least) by Wendy "Johnny" Mathis, who came through to body check Justice before apologizing and moving on. But not before Justice had the cell phone and the lead at 8-4.
Mathis took Lummus' cell phone and called Howell from it. (speed dial 3) His dare was up next and it was different. "Stealth disco Lummus." Now Howell can move in quick, crazy ways (hence his nickname) and he marched up to Lummus' office. Matt looked in, found Lee's blindspot (yes, that one) and grooved. A moment of utter glee swam over Howell. This was his game. It was now 8-6, then 8-7, and then, as he turned around and shook what his momma gave him, he took the lead 10-8.
An alarming sound echoed through the third floor, an unknown individual (records have this person as "Ima User@rawlings.com", which background checks have proven is actually a Rawlings email address record) had sent a virus through computers, causing plane flights (remote control kind) to be delayed and delaying the Rawlings wifi network.
Howell next dared Logan to go and ask a question about setting up a computer for an intern, smirking as he asked. Justice, however was ready. She grabbed a stash of MIS workers and sent them down like Bowling balls on Disco Bowling night Howell's way, stacking him up in a cluster. While he was down, she climbed to the top of the ropes (or cube wall) She began to raise her hands, calling on the crowd noise. She put her hand to one ear (Hulk Hogan style) and then leaped, delivering a flying Billiken elbow drop, silencing Howell and putting an end to this battle.
In the end, you see, this one went to Truth, Justice, and the American Way. Well, I guess I'd change that title to Dare, Justice, and get out of the Way. Justice prevails 18-13. She advances to meet today's winner:
#3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney vs #2 Kate "Pain" Zini
Parody between Malloy and Mathis
Today's fight parody (you'll find out why I called it that shortly) is between the #6 ranked Wendy "Still acting like a Newlywed" Mathis and underrated #15 Chuck "Chuck Bo Buck Banana Rama Fo" Malloy. Lets get going……..
Come and listen to a story about a man named Chuck
A poor salesman, never fed his family duck,
Then one day he was callin' on an account,
And up through the ground came a big large amount.
An order that is, Rawlings Products, Finest in the field.
Well the first thing you know ol' Chucks a millionaire,
Kinfolk said Chuck move away from there
Said Missouri is the place you ought to be
So they loaded up the truck and fought the UFC.
Ultimate Fighting, that is.
Switch blades, nasty scars.
You see, Chuck used to be a completely different person before the UFC. He was polite, respected, finely dressed, but since his first bloodshed he's been just plain mean. He reportedly even dipped into his millionaire bank account to buy a whoopie cushion to play jokes on Linnie. His opponent is completely the opposite. Since making it to the finals last year she's started an organization called, "Violence in the workplace is not the right way to solve problems or get ahead, even if you think you could by taking another person out," or the VITWISNTRWTSPOGAEIYTYCBTAPO for short. (There's a reason she doesn't work in Marketing) She has somehow still made it to this level of the challenge.
It started with Chuck getting 3 quick points for not cursing when he read his nickname and really got into it. Wendy then earned 3 points back for snickering when he almost said it. Tied at 3 apiece.
Chuck quickly transformed into his new UFC Hot Brick Lab Coat and became the Dangerous Chuckster fighter he's held inside for years (but if you've ever seen Chuck out on a Friday night you know this side comes out often….just ask the ladies). He punched Wendy in the face once saying, "this ones for Target" and then again while saying, "this one's for K-Mart." Wendy quickly reacted with a punching sequence of her own repeating, "Spread.SHEET, Spread.SHEET," over and over again until the score was 12-5 (thanks to Excel).
Don't think Chuck was done. They don't call him 6-Buck Chuck for nothing….he sneezed on Wendy giving himself a 6th point. Score: 12-6 with the Newlywed in the lead.
Lets just say Wendy has some Daddy issues. She looked deep within and unleashed the rage held inside over her twenty-something years and beat Chuck with his own shiny belt. Three smacks on the rear and Wendy has the lead at 15-6. (Bet you didn't see that one coming!!)
After mailing a letter for 2 hours and 59 minutes (that is a significant # for later on in the story) Chuck came back to the match. He had also recruited Ben "Big Apple" McIntosh and Jeff "signature 4 stripes" France to help. In a surprise turn France smacked Chuck with a shovel (who knows where he got that) and Big Ben bonked Wendy with a mini shovel. Score: 15-6-1-1 (Wendy, Chuck, Ben, France). Those 2 then left…..together…..
Chuck got in 4 more kicks while Wendy was on the ground, but it wasn't enough. This Rookie fighter is out of the UFC and must return home to roll in his money. Mathis wins the fight 15-10 and some change.
Lets sum it up with another little ditty:
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful fight.
That started from a scar on Wendy's hide,
aboard this wild ride.
The fighter was a mighty demand analyst,
the fighter brave and sure.
2 challengers threw fists that day,
for a three hour fight, a three hour fight………
The wrestling started getting rough,
the tiny Wendy was tossed.
If not for the courage of her fearless heart,
the Newlywed would have lost; the Newlywed would have lost.
The fight took ground on the steps of this uncharted office building,
with Chuck, the Newlywed too,
the bystanders, and their coworkers,
the Mailroom lady, the President and even Jan,
here in the UFC.
That's the end of today's programming boys and girls. Next up:
#9 Matt "Makin' Ladies" Howell since 98 (Alum) vs. #4 Logan Justice (No nickname necessary)
Come and listen to a story about a man named Chuck
A poor salesman, never fed his family duck,
Then one day he was callin' on an account,
And up through the ground came a big large amount.
An order that is, Rawlings Products, Finest in the field.
Well the first thing you know ol' Chucks a millionaire,
Kinfolk said Chuck move away from there
Said Missouri is the place you ought to be
So they loaded up the truck and fought the UFC.
Ultimate Fighting, that is.
Switch blades, nasty scars.
You see, Chuck used to be a completely different person before the UFC. He was polite, respected, finely dressed, but since his first bloodshed he's been just plain mean. He reportedly even dipped into his millionaire bank account to buy a whoopie cushion to play jokes on Linnie. His opponent is completely the opposite. Since making it to the finals last year she's started an organization called, "Violence in the workplace is not the right way to solve problems or get ahead, even if you think you could by taking another person out," or the VITWISNTRWTSPOGAEIYTYCBTAPO for short. (There's a reason she doesn't work in Marketing) She has somehow still made it to this level of the challenge.
It started with Chuck getting 3 quick points for not cursing when he read his nickname and really got into it. Wendy then earned 3 points back for snickering when he almost said it. Tied at 3 apiece.
Chuck quickly transformed into his new UFC Hot Brick Lab Coat and became the Dangerous Chuckster fighter he's held inside for years (but if you've ever seen Chuck out on a Friday night you know this side comes out often….just ask the ladies). He punched Wendy in the face once saying, "this ones for Target" and then again while saying, "this one's for K-Mart." Wendy quickly reacted with a punching sequence of her own repeating, "Spread.SHEET, Spread.SHEET," over and over again until the score was 12-5 (thanks to Excel).
Don't think Chuck was done. They don't call him 6-Buck Chuck for nothing….he sneezed on Wendy giving himself a 6th point. Score: 12-6 with the Newlywed in the lead.
Lets just say Wendy has some Daddy issues. She looked deep within and unleashed the rage held inside over her twenty-something years and beat Chuck with his own shiny belt. Three smacks on the rear and Wendy has the lead at 15-6. (Bet you didn't see that one coming!!)
After mailing a letter for 2 hours and 59 minutes (that is a significant # for later on in the story) Chuck came back to the match. He had also recruited Ben "Big Apple" McIntosh and Jeff "signature 4 stripes" France to help. In a surprise turn France smacked Chuck with a shovel (who knows where he got that) and Big Ben bonked Wendy with a mini shovel. Score: 15-6-1-1 (Wendy, Chuck, Ben, France). Those 2 then left…..together…..
Chuck got in 4 more kicks while Wendy was on the ground, but it wasn't enough. This Rookie fighter is out of the UFC and must return home to roll in his money. Mathis wins the fight 15-10 and some change.
Lets sum it up with another little ditty:
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful fight.
That started from a scar on Wendy's hide,
aboard this wild ride.
The fighter was a mighty demand analyst,
the fighter brave and sure.
2 challengers threw fists that day,
for a three hour fight, a three hour fight………
The wrestling started getting rough,
the tiny Wendy was tossed.
If not for the courage of her fearless heart,
the Newlywed would have lost; the Newlywed would have lost.
The fight took ground on the steps of this uncharted office building,
with Chuck, the Newlywed too,
the bystanders, and their coworkers,
the Mailroom lady, the President and even Jan,
here in the UFC.
That's the end of today's programming boys and girls. Next up:
#9 Matt "Makin' Ladies" Howell since 98 (Alum) vs. #4 Logan Justice (No nickname necessary)
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Just dirty and tasteless
Well, its 5:46 am and I'm tired. That is, I was tired until Erica told me that she needed to bring a jacket today because she had morning recess duty. Ha!! Gets me everytime. Duty…….very funny. Erica doesn't find it as funny as I do……
I mentioned that story because yesterday's second fight between #6 Jason "do you have to go #1 or J2" Voorhees vs. #15 Jan "Red Bird droppings" Grundig was a dirty fight. Two of the biggest Red Bird fans in the office went head to head on a day that the Cards would fall 4 games out. Not a good day for either of the fighters, but one would be a little better after winning the UFC.
The second game is always after lunch, duh. Jan had something tasty, J2 had something tasty. Jan drank something cool, J2 drank something cool. The difference was in the container they brought it in. Jan brought her lunch in a respectable container, nice yes, but gets you little points in the UFC. J2 brought his Thunder Cats metal lunch box and scored major points. Score: 7-1, J2 winning. J2 does consider himself the Lion-O of the Graphics dept. (Have the thunder cats been mentioned before in the UFC?) Also, France considers himself Panthro, Brian is WillyKat, J-Mac is Tygra, and Bill likes to be called Snarfer.
FYI: (Lion-O, the Lord of the Thudercats, is not as he appears. Although his body is fully developed, his mind is that of a child. With the Sword of Omens and enchanted claw shield at his side Lion-O has powers that rival those of all the Thundercats. With Jaga's guidance, in "spirit" form, Lion-O has learned to trust in the Sword of Omens and the Code that binds all Thunderians)
How could you bet against Jan you monsters! She's so sweet and kind and giving….until it comes to the UFC. Even Jan becomes a different person once she gets in the proverbial octagon. Jan knows its time to fight dirty. Jan flipped over J2's mouse, POINT. Jan then unplugged J2's phone causing him to miss important calls from Bob Neaus, POINT. Jan gets 2 quick ones.
The next blow made J2 as angry as Lindsey when she hasn't seen Maynard for a day; Jan said, "Willie McGee…Ha, more like Willy Wonka." J2 exploded as if he was crossed by Mumm-Ra, The primary nemesis of the Thundercats. He pushed back his mane and growled at Jan causing her to run back to her cushy office. Score: 12-7 with J2 still leading.
Jan, sticking to her Bird nickname decided to retaliate. She head-butted J2 like a woodpecker, mocked him like a parrot, and then goosed him. J2 unfortunately likes that, pushing the score to 15-11 with the second J still ahead.
It was nearing the end and much like the Kanye West/50 Cent cd selling battle (both come out today, I'd recommend Kanye to anyone…..even a preacher) there could only be one winner. (The cupid shuffle also drops today btw). It appears that J2 was the one who's Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger because he ran over Jan like Dan Cullinane speed walking to a protective meeting. He earned points by drawing funny pictures of Jan, spelling his name (almost) correctly, knowing what a Cube is, and recognizing the color violet on the color wheel. (Those were just the ones he studied for). The score at the end of the match is 21-13 with Jan on the loosing end. (That's so pessimistic, how about with J2 on the winning end). I still cant believe people would vote against Jan….heartless.
Today's match-up is between #1 Denny Whiteside and #5 Dan Cullinane. Very solid.
Remember: Don't play with flaming bags of poop that are left on your front porch by prankster teens in your neighborhood. You'll stomp it out and get stuff on your boots. Then you'll walk through the house and get it on the carpet.
I mentioned that story because yesterday's second fight between #6 Jason "do you have to go #1 or J2" Voorhees vs. #15 Jan "Red Bird droppings" Grundig was a dirty fight. Two of the biggest Red Bird fans in the office went head to head on a day that the Cards would fall 4 games out. Not a good day for either of the fighters, but one would be a little better after winning the UFC.
The second game is always after lunch, duh. Jan had something tasty, J2 had something tasty. Jan drank something cool, J2 drank something cool. The difference was in the container they brought it in. Jan brought her lunch in a respectable container, nice yes, but gets you little points in the UFC. J2 brought his Thunder Cats metal lunch box and scored major points. Score: 7-1, J2 winning. J2 does consider himself the Lion-O of the Graphics dept. (Have the thunder cats been mentioned before in the UFC?) Also, France considers himself Panthro, Brian is WillyKat, J-Mac is Tygra, and Bill likes to be called Snarfer.
FYI: (Lion-O, the Lord of the Thudercats, is not as he appears. Although his body is fully developed, his mind is that of a child. With the Sword of Omens and enchanted claw shield at his side Lion-O has powers that rival those of all the Thundercats. With Jaga's guidance, in "spirit" form, Lion-O has learned to trust in the Sword of Omens and the Code that binds all Thunderians)
How could you bet against Jan you monsters! She's so sweet and kind and giving….until it comes to the UFC. Even Jan becomes a different person once she gets in the proverbial octagon. Jan knows its time to fight dirty. Jan flipped over J2's mouse, POINT. Jan then unplugged J2's phone causing him to miss important calls from Bob Neaus, POINT. Jan gets 2 quick ones.
The next blow made J2 as angry as Lindsey when she hasn't seen Maynard for a day; Jan said, "Willie McGee…Ha, more like Willy Wonka." J2 exploded as if he was crossed by Mumm-Ra, The primary nemesis of the Thundercats. He pushed back his mane and growled at Jan causing her to run back to her cushy office. Score: 12-7 with J2 still leading.
Jan, sticking to her Bird nickname decided to retaliate. She head-butted J2 like a woodpecker, mocked him like a parrot, and then goosed him. J2 unfortunately likes that, pushing the score to 15-11 with the second J still ahead.
It was nearing the end and much like the Kanye West/50 Cent cd selling battle (both come out today, I'd recommend Kanye to anyone…..even a preacher) there could only be one winner. (The cupid shuffle also drops today btw). It appears that J2 was the one who's Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger because he ran over Jan like Dan Cullinane speed walking to a protective meeting. He earned points by drawing funny pictures of Jan, spelling his name (almost) correctly, knowing what a Cube is, and recognizing the color violet on the color wheel. (Those were just the ones he studied for). The score at the end of the match is 21-13 with Jan on the loosing end. (That's so pessimistic, how about with J2 on the winning end). I still cant believe people would vote against Jan….heartless.
Today's match-up is between #1 Denny Whiteside and #5 Dan Cullinane. Very solid.
Remember: Don't play with flaming bags of poop that are left on your front porch by prankster teens in your neighborhood. You'll stomp it out and get stuff on your boots. Then you'll walk through the house and get it on the carpet.
Refrigerator Perry style
Choosing your favorite UFC fighter is a lot like choosing a refrigerator. In a refrigerator you want an energy star (obviously), estra wide adjustable side-out SpillGaurd Glass Shelves, full length handles, electronic ice and water dispenser with control lockout and LED light, and an in door ice dispensing system.
In a UFC fighter you want an energetic star (obviously), extra wide behind kicking muscles, no love handles, a punching and kicking dispensing machine with a UFC shine, and an in door ice dispensing system……but most fighters don't have that, unless they've got an icebox where their heart used to be, which some do.
Oh yeah, and you want them both to stay cool under pressure. So, using these characteristics, lets see who you voted for in the battle of #9 Pam Kloster(Wo)man vs. #12 Lindsey "Kneebrace" Knaber. Tough one, I know.
Lindsey took the fight early on (Pam you need more punctual friends), but Pam was able to climb her way back in. Lindsey, after stunt driving her way to the office like she always does, slammed into Pam's new convertible like a Warren County Fair demolition derby (Talk about mullets!). Pam was very angry, but decided to fake a neck injury just like the rest of Lindsey's victims and not retaliate. Lindsey repeatedly used her fake SUV (fake b/c its not a 4-wheel drive) to ram into the tiny red car (with her back of course, so you don't mess up the motor). Score: 2-7, Lindsey winning.
Pam was more mad about the car than she was about her own injuries (oh yeah, she was faking those). She used this anger to go buck-wild on Lindsey. Pam pushed the eject button in her car and flew out the top like she was launched from a cannon (That's why convertibles have soft tops). She landed right next to Zoomy's bike (and knocked it over just because she's always wanted to do that), but right on top of Lindsey. Pam dispensed and ice cold furry of eye jabs, hair pulling, and high heel knocking. Score tied at 9-9.
Lindsey at this point forgot that she had a bumb knee (not to be confused with a bumb's knee) and jumped right up from the beating and karate chopped Pam. Pam karate chopped Lindsey (neither we're wearing black belts that day…). Pam pulled out a phillips screw driver and Lindsey pulled out a split head screw driver. It doesn't really matter, they both hurt like you wouldn't believe when jabbed into your ribs. Score: 13-13….
The final score is 14-17, but do you know who took the battle? The winner used her last moves to take some verbal shots at the other while the loser only had one comeback (all of which are too vulgar for even Cursing Kate Ranzini to say). The winner was able to take it to the next level and be that energy star her fans knew was on the inside, the other wasn't even able to dispense ice….actually neither could the winner, that's just impossible.
Winner of yesterday's (first) fight was Lindsey Kneebrace Knaber (surprisingly though because she gets hurt almost as much as Farrar). Good job to both fighters. Fight one, done.
In a UFC fighter you want an energetic star (obviously), extra wide behind kicking muscles, no love handles, a punching and kicking dispensing machine with a UFC shine, and an in door ice dispensing system……but most fighters don't have that, unless they've got an icebox where their heart used to be, which some do.
Oh yeah, and you want them both to stay cool under pressure. So, using these characteristics, lets see who you voted for in the battle of #9 Pam Kloster(Wo)man vs. #12 Lindsey "Kneebrace" Knaber. Tough one, I know.
Lindsey took the fight early on (Pam you need more punctual friends), but Pam was able to climb her way back in. Lindsey, after stunt driving her way to the office like she always does, slammed into Pam's new convertible like a Warren County Fair demolition derby (Talk about mullets!). Pam was very angry, but decided to fake a neck injury just like the rest of Lindsey's victims and not retaliate. Lindsey repeatedly used her fake SUV (fake b/c its not a 4-wheel drive) to ram into the tiny red car (with her back of course, so you don't mess up the motor). Score: 2-7, Lindsey winning.
Pam was more mad about the car than she was about her own injuries (oh yeah, she was faking those). She used this anger to go buck-wild on Lindsey. Pam pushed the eject button in her car and flew out the top like she was launched from a cannon (That's why convertibles have soft tops). She landed right next to Zoomy's bike (and knocked it over just because she's always wanted to do that), but right on top of Lindsey. Pam dispensed and ice cold furry of eye jabs, hair pulling, and high heel knocking. Score tied at 9-9.
Lindsey at this point forgot that she had a bumb knee (not to be confused with a bumb's knee) and jumped right up from the beating and karate chopped Pam. Pam karate chopped Lindsey (neither we're wearing black belts that day…). Pam pulled out a phillips screw driver and Lindsey pulled out a split head screw driver. It doesn't really matter, they both hurt like you wouldn't believe when jabbed into your ribs. Score: 13-13….
The final score is 14-17, but do you know who took the battle? The winner used her last moves to take some verbal shots at the other while the loser only had one comeback (all of which are too vulgar for even Cursing Kate Ranzini to say). The winner was able to take it to the next level and be that energy star her fans knew was on the inside, the other wasn't even able to dispense ice….actually neither could the winner, that's just impossible.
Winner of yesterday's (first) fight was Lindsey Kneebrace Knaber (surprisingly though because she gets hurt almost as much as Farrar). Good job to both fighters. Fight one, done.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
France and Shaw... one plays hockey, the other plays hooky
"Holy Moly," said Parish to Malone, "Did you see Friday's fight?" "No," Replied Malone. "Me neither," whispered Parish.
Friday's fight was soooooo TGIF. Like totally. Fan favorite #3 Jeff "I see London, I see" France totally fought #10 Becky "Two Tables and a Microphone" Shaw in a battle that you'll forget about by this afternoon, but you shouldn't. Here's how it went, except for the parts I made up.
France came skipping up to the door at 7:59….A.M!! Becky arrived a couple minutes late from oversleeping. (Word is that she overslept because she was up late arguing with Jeremy after she said she had to go to work early to wait for Jeff. Jeremy was all like, "Who's Jeff?" and Becky was all like, "I cant live with your jealousy," and Jeremy was all like, "Oh, no you didn't" and Becky was all like, "Yes I did.") Jeremy then admitted he was wrong (because that's the easiest thing to do for guys and 99% accurate for males being wrong on average) and they lived happily ever after.
The score after all this is 6-4 with France ahead because I said so. Trust me.
Becky walked her blue shoes over to France and his fancy whites and politely compared the footwear. Two points go to France for outshining Becky in this meager contest. Becky then earns 2 points for telling the narrator to stop using France shoe jokes. Good idea. Score: 8-6 with France on top.
France and Beck then started fighting, it was very similar to the fight sequence in The Bourne Ultimatum. You probably didn't see that movie though…..It was crazy. Hands and legs flailing, spitting, cursing, sweating, bleeding, teeth busting…it was like all the No Fear shirts ever invented rolled up into one and made into a fight sequence. Nuts I know. When the fighters were separated, they counted the number of teeth each had left and the score was changed to 10-11….Becky leading.
Now this crazy story (that really doesn't make any sense…I just re-read it….wow, ridiculous) gets even crazier. Becky went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and started registering for wedding gifts. She made France go along….Point Becky, but 2 points for France for not complaining…or scanning her with the little scanner you use to do that. Score: 12-12
There were 2 more points to get and no ideas on how to get them…..can you guess who took them? The winner of the France/Shaw fight is…..this is more exciting that the VMA's that I'm watching right now……Kanye's record comes out 9/11/08……the winner is…….BECKY SHAW……the crowd goes wild!!!! Nice knowing you France. "France who?" said a spectator.
Here's what's on deck for today:
Knock, Knock….
Who's there?
Double Dose Monday…..
Double Dose Monday who?
#9 Pam Kloster(Wo)man vs. #12 Lindsey "Kneebrace" Knaber
#6 Jason "#2" Voorhees vs. #15 Jan "Red Bird Riot" Grundig
Friday's fight was soooooo TGIF. Like totally. Fan favorite #3 Jeff "I see London, I see" France totally fought #10 Becky "Two Tables and a Microphone" Shaw in a battle that you'll forget about by this afternoon, but you shouldn't. Here's how it went, except for the parts I made up.
France came skipping up to the door at 7:59….A.M!! Becky arrived a couple minutes late from oversleeping. (Word is that she overslept because she was up late arguing with Jeremy after she said she had to go to work early to wait for Jeff. Jeremy was all like, "Who's Jeff?" and Becky was all like, "I cant live with your jealousy," and Jeremy was all like, "Oh, no you didn't" and Becky was all like, "Yes I did.") Jeremy then admitted he was wrong (because that's the easiest thing to do for guys and 99% accurate for males being wrong on average) and they lived happily ever after.
The score after all this is 6-4 with France ahead because I said so. Trust me.
Becky walked her blue shoes over to France and his fancy whites and politely compared the footwear. Two points go to France for outshining Becky in this meager contest. Becky then earns 2 points for telling the narrator to stop using France shoe jokes. Good idea. Score: 8-6 with France on top.
France and Beck then started fighting, it was very similar to the fight sequence in The Bourne Ultimatum. You probably didn't see that movie though…..It was crazy. Hands and legs flailing, spitting, cursing, sweating, bleeding, teeth busting…it was like all the No Fear shirts ever invented rolled up into one and made into a fight sequence. Nuts I know. When the fighters were separated, they counted the number of teeth each had left and the score was changed to 10-11….Becky leading.
Now this crazy story (that really doesn't make any sense…I just re-read it….wow, ridiculous) gets even crazier. Becky went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and started registering for wedding gifts. She made France go along….Point Becky, but 2 points for France for not complaining…or scanning her with the little scanner you use to do that. Score: 12-12
There were 2 more points to get and no ideas on how to get them…..can you guess who took them? The winner of the France/Shaw fight is…..this is more exciting that the VMA's that I'm watching right now……Kanye's record comes out 9/11/08……the winner is…….BECKY SHAW……the crowd goes wild!!!! Nice knowing you France. "France who?" said a spectator.
Here's what's on deck for today:
Knock, Knock….
Who's there?
Double Dose Monday…..
Double Dose Monday who?
#9 Pam Kloster(Wo)man vs. #12 Lindsey "Kneebrace" Knaber
#6 Jason "#2" Voorhees vs. #15 Jan "Red Bird Riot" Grundig
Thursday, September 06, 2007
UFC 2.0, Jundt vs Farrar
Welcome to UFC 2.0.
Below find attached the story that has now become legend. Farrar vs Jundt, as reported by the experts (you). I'll fill in some gaps and add extra points for those who simply couldn't see what happened from their vantage point. I hope you enjoy. If not, you have no one to blame but yourself, or everyone else in the company...
Ryan rode in this morning in on a unicorn! He had his virus free laptop in one hand and a six pack of his favorite energy drink (rockstar) in the other. For those who haven't noticed, Ryan drank zero energy drinks as an intern and now guzzles them by the case. The unicorn was excited and made a quick turn to Maryville University Drive, OHHHH NOOOOO!!!! Ryan slipped and busted his chin on the unicorn... But he wasn't hurt cuz Bill "WOW" Garbe was there to sprinkle his magical healing powder on him......Ryan restored to a 100% and was ready for battle! (One point for Farrar's health and another for his uniform-like fighting power)
Farrar then put down his energy drink and laptop and gripped a jet ski. He saw Jundt galloping in on a bicycle (no unicorn, sucker!) and took aim, hurling a jet ski with his chin at Dan. (It caused Farrar 12 stitches, but you've got to trade skin for points in the UFC). He then instantly grew a goatee to camouflage the wound, most likely thanks to Garbe's healing powders causing a crazy reaction.
Farrar led 3-0.
Jundt got up, and earned a quick point by giving Ryan the 3-finger solute (ctrl-alt-delete). That was good for a quick re-start to the fight. 3-1 as Jundt leaped up the stairs to his home base.
Farrar then got his stitches out (keeping the goatee though) He then took Don (Jundt was apparently asking to be referred to as a Spanish Lord, "Don Jundt," and placed him into an equipment bag sample that Ponderosa (not the Steakhouse) had brought today and rolled him down all three stories and then left him in the rain. Ouch. The painful roll down the stairs technique extended the lead to 4-1.
Outside, the two agreed to a race. Unfortunately for Don/Dan, Ryan's fastball clocked at
91mph beating Dan's airplane clocked at 75 mph. (Must have been the old Rawlings radar ball, not sure Farrar has that kind of gas). Jundt and his plane fell behind 5-1. Jundt apparently couldn't keep up with Farrar in basically anything, falling further behind at 6-1.
But all was not lost for Jundt. "PEBKAC" - as he's known in the hood - charged up the batteries on his small but powerful remote controlled airplane (2 points because he designed and built it himself). He waited for just the right moment to launch it, the wind must be just right or it could spell disaster, as any good pilot knows. Then it happens his opponent Ryan "The Closer" Farrar turned and headed for the lobby, a perfect opportunity to launch, and in one smooth motion the plane lifted off from the 2nd floor balcony and down towards an unsuspecting Farrar (1 more point for a perfect take-off). The plane is electric (that's what she said) and because of that is able to streak towards it's victim in an eerie silence. Jundt pulled the plane into an Immelman manuever and gave Farrar a quick haircut (2 points for his piloting skill as an Immelman is difficult to execute especially indoors and a bonus point for finally getting Ryan a better haircut). A stunned Farrar looked too see what happened but it was too late: Jundt's plane performs a full outside loop and pounded Farrar into submission. Jundt pulled ahead 7-6.
Jundt then reminded Farrar that without his team, there would be no computers or email to fight with (8-6) and then he removed the email addresses of interns from the system. (unfortunately Farrar was still classified as an intern and we all know that only MIS fully knows who is in what group). Farrar could get no emails and had to deal with a battle and a scowl from Scott Keene "Machine". 9-6 Jundt.
In anticipation of Dan's signature quip, Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair, the Flame Thrower did a few warm up tosses in the parking lot, puts on a jacket (but only half way like you see the pros wearing on TV), calmly walked up to the third floor, coincidentally much like a reliever being called from the bullpen. He removed his jacket, peered deeply into Dan's cube, shook his head no, no again, then yes then went into his full wind up. He pitched a fireball of a strike at Dan's chair, igniting it into flames, quietly he quipped to himself, Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Floor. (don't play with Dan's chair while it's on fire). This matchup tightened to 9-8 Jundt.
Then Ryan decided to take it to the next level, that's right, he took it Farrar than he's ever taken it before. Maybe too Farrar. He stole Dan's password and changed every personal setting on his computer. Dan nearly fainted at the thought this, but somehow managed to keep his composure for the rest of his beating. "Thank you sir, may I have another?" was all he could say. And another he got as the score knotted at 9.
Farrar then got a point by confusing PEBKAC and ipecac (the vomit-inducing syrup) and projectile vomiting a mixture of half digested glove leather and Bud Light all over Dan. Side note, from Wikipedia: "Defensive vomiting can also refer to a tactic used by some animals. In the presence of a threat, they vomit towards the threat, thus possibly distracting a predator and perhaps obscuring their scent." Farrar up 10-9.
For some reason, a streak of white light came through the offices. Like a shooting star or a comet or well, let's just say Jeff "I see London, I see" France was warming up. He reminded both warriors that the fight went through him by mullet-whipping them once each and leaving.
Some ladies were walking into the office. Farrar extended his lead to 11-9 for being cute. (it's too bad no interns are voting now, as he might have gotten more cute votes). But Ryan had more than interns on his mind. He was tired of waiting for the IT group to launch a Rawlings wireless network. So he picked up his cell phone and called the Best Buy Geek Squad to come in and give Dan and the MIS group a few pointers (12-9). Unfortunately, Dan and the MIS group was unable to attend the meeting because they were too busy planning for this year's Lotus Sphere convention. But at least Ryan got to see the Hilton-inspired Geek Squad uniforms! He paused to model one of the Geek Squad outfit, hoping to inspire Ron "Paris" Hilson to vote for him or put him in the next Hilton catalog.
Dan Jundt pulled out the big guns. His willingness to help. His willingness to job shadow and follow you through the entire day, if needed (just ask some sales reps) He had a catchy jingle, "Give him your IP number and he'll stay with you all day. Helping you along the way" cut the gap to 12-11. He earned another two points for his nickname, "Mr. Wizzard" (one point for each z), 13-12 over the younger Farrar.
Farrar came back, in true Farrar form and dodged two more comments about his funny chin – tying this score at 13. He did a little prance as he left and saw a strange man, who he'd apparently met at Cooperstown. There isn't much I can say about him except that he had a bunch of hair and liked to sing. He chanted this little diddy at Ryan:
There once was a boy from Nantuckett.......named Farrar.
Who cut his chin on a bar
He loves people to call him Zhar
Drives a little red car
You should hear him play the guitar
I'm not sure what that was about, but it got Farrar another point. That was tough for Jundt to stomach. As will be the final score: 14-13-1, Farrar beats Jundt (and France). The third consecutive bout determined by one vote or less.
UFC Sweet 16 action returns tomorrow with the eagerly anticipated bout of #3 Jeff "I see London, I see" France versus #10 Becky "Two Tables and a Microphone" Shaw. Hit reply to vote or email them to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
And don't play with fire silly. Put it out.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
EVERY vote matters!
Kate "Bleepin" Ranzini put her tobacco in early this morning. She patted her chin slightly, yes, no one would notice. Sometimes the tobaccy helps her get ready. You see, she felt extra feisty and told a few cars just what she thought of their "driving" as they pulled into the parking lot here at Rawlings. After egging on a few of the Verizon folks, Ranzini plopped down at her desk, closed the door, and did some UFC warm ups on some mannequins that were stationed in her office. You know the kind that used to have heads and bodies but were now essentially glorified hangers. (thanks Kate)
Meanwhile, Suzyn "Agent Orange" Siebert sent a special UFC package Kate's way. Some of you may have seen this special one-two punch of a need to archive her old emails (and Kate's been here before email) mixed with a need to restart her system to install an "update". Siebert asked one of her MIS (pronounced My A$$) cohorts to call and ask for Kate's IP address. Hint, telling them your IP address lets the MIS crew know exactly where you are. It's kind of like a tracking system and a bug mixed into one.
Ranzini was unable to get to work. Frustrated, she went into the Pro Department's crying room (formerly Ted's office) and yelled. Stuff I just can't print. And stuff that signaled to Suzyn that it was time to get to work. She hopped onto the railing and slid downstairs, carrying a two by four in one hand and "Richie" Rich Truex in the other. Truex would be the distraction (or the bait as Suzyn referred to him), the two by four would be her weapon of choice. Extra Splintery.
There was a knock on Kate's door. It was Rich. Kate smiled (sort of). She stood up to greet him and in some sort of crazy tandem move, Truex dropped to the turf, Siebert used him as a springboard and delivered an acrobatic wake up call to Ranzini, clearing the tobacco out of her mouth and getting this party started, MIS style.
Ranzini's rolling chair went flying into the narrow corridor. But Kate didn't panic. She doesn't panic. Ever. She got her fighting jacket back from Seth (who borrowed it the other day), dusted herself off and then sat back down to get to work. Oh, and while she worked she hoisted Siebert up into the air in some sort of a power hold. And Kate can hold things for a long time.
This became an interesting struggle - of noise versus silence. Which is more deadly, silence or chaos? (Don't ask a 11 year old boy that question). Kate would scream, Suzyn would not respond. It was odd and awkward but both really got under the others' skin. And, come quittin time, the score was deadlocked at 18. That's right 18-18.
Now comes the part where I tell you one person got an extra jab in, right?
No.
Both were exhausted and this one had to be called by the judges.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a first-ever. A UFC draw.
But, wait, there are no ties in the UFC.
And, a recap of the voting history shows that the winning blow came at 8:04 am CST...
A Bleepin Victory.
Kate wins 18-18, by early vote tiebreaker.
Wow.
Ranzini advances to meet Jason "Graphic Violence" McCartney next Friday, 9/14
Meanwhile, Suzyn "Agent Orange" Siebert sent a special UFC package Kate's way. Some of you may have seen this special one-two punch of a need to archive her old emails (and Kate's been here before email) mixed with a need to restart her system to install an "update". Siebert asked one of her MIS (pronounced My A$$) cohorts to call and ask for Kate's IP address. Hint, telling them your IP address lets the MIS crew know exactly where you are. It's kind of like a tracking system and a bug mixed into one.
Ranzini was unable to get to work. Frustrated, she went into the Pro Department's crying room (formerly Ted's office) and yelled. Stuff I just can't print. And stuff that signaled to Suzyn that it was time to get to work. She hopped onto the railing and slid downstairs, carrying a two by four in one hand and "Richie" Rich Truex in the other. Truex would be the distraction (or the bait as Suzyn referred to him), the two by four would be her weapon of choice. Extra Splintery.
There was a knock on Kate's door. It was Rich. Kate smiled (sort of). She stood up to greet him and in some sort of crazy tandem move, Truex dropped to the turf, Siebert used him as a springboard and delivered an acrobatic wake up call to Ranzini, clearing the tobacco out of her mouth and getting this party started, MIS style.
Ranzini's rolling chair went flying into the narrow corridor. But Kate didn't panic. She doesn't panic. Ever. She got her fighting jacket back from Seth (who borrowed it the other day), dusted herself off and then sat back down to get to work. Oh, and while she worked she hoisted Siebert up into the air in some sort of a power hold. And Kate can hold things for a long time.
This became an interesting struggle - of noise versus silence. Which is more deadly, silence or chaos? (Don't ask a 11 year old boy that question). Kate would scream, Suzyn would not respond. It was odd and awkward but both really got under the others' skin. And, come quittin time, the score was deadlocked at 18. That's right 18-18.
Now comes the part where I tell you one person got an extra jab in, right?
No.
Both were exhausted and this one had to be called by the judges.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a first-ever. A UFC draw.
But, wait, there are no ties in the UFC.
And, a recap of the voting history shows that the winning blow came at 8:04 am CST...
A Bleepin Victory.
Kate wins 18-18, by early vote tiebreaker.
Wow.
Ranzini advances to meet Jason "Graphic Violence" McCartney next Friday, 9/14
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Bad Kuato, Bad.
Let me boil the fight that I'll deem the under card into the following bullet points regarding the #3 seed, Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney:
* He is in the middle of catalog season
* He has an expecting wife at home
* He has an angry growth known as Kuato, who lives inside his right shoulder and comes out whenever necessary
* He has an extra-strong (albeit not durable) back and has been known to pull a plow for his family farm on the weekends when the oxen get tired
* He has been known to get into such a zone where he doesn't remember things, even things like dismantling an opposition, showering, and going back to work to eat at a proper time
* He has a callus under his hand where he keeps a graphics intern that comes out, finishes catalogs, and goes back into place. Rumors have it that might be the person we know as Bill Garbe, but I'm honestly not sure, it could be J2.
Adam started the fight off by emailing the company and telling them to vote for somebody else. Very chivalrous, also very non-UFC like. In fact, this opened the door for McCartney, who saw this as Shupe essentially completing an art request for a painful attack. McCartney responded by photo shopping a picture of Shupe giving him a pair of black eyes and a fat lip. He then carefully printed it out, mounted it on foam core, made Shupe a quick logo (for the demolition series), and placed all of this in a nice blue folder which was laying on Shupe's desk when he arrived into the office.
Shupe saw the folder (and should have known something was up as he did not place a folder on his desk last Friday, plus it was vibrating, almost appearing angry. And folders don't get angry) Shupe started to open it when it was flung open by Kuato, who executed what might be called a Facial, if you were willing to call something so gruesome and painful something so tame.
McCartney/Kuato led 7-2 early. Something had to stop this run...
Kathy "Call of Duty" Lutz was angry. She had won battles like this "ufc" thing years before Shupe or McCartney had emerged onto the Rawlings scene. And now Shupe was egging her on? As if she needed to flex her muscles one last time? But in a moment much like that when Michael Jordan returned from retirement, put 45 on the Knicks, and went back to retirement (or something like that) or when Ryan "The Closer" Farrar came back to pitch the Bad News Bears Rawlings softball team to a victory, Lutz calmly put her own self-recorded voicemail message ON, came downstairs, and delivered a left/right/left/right/left forearm attack to the stunned expression area of Shupe's face, making her 5 point statement before she climbed back upstairs and went back to work. And then she breathed. Wow.
Shupe is a bulldog, a fighter, and he locked down the shorter Kuato with a man to creature defensive attack that brought him back into the game. He followed it up with some slashing moves where he quickly darted in, took advantage of the lumbering nature of McCartney and knifed his way back to a 13-8-5 lead over McCartney (and Lutz). But this would not be enough.
J-Mac (Or the Jason who doesn't have to go by a Number) delivered a solid right shot (along with new graphics for the Caliber/Caliper bat, i'm not sure which one but I'm sure it was one of them and I'm sure it looked much better than Shupe). This battle was over, and now Kuato is hungry.
McCartney wins 15-8-5 over Shupe (and Lutz)., and advances to meet the winner of today's bout:
#7 Suzyn Rae "Agent Orange" Siebert
vs
#2 Kate "Bleepin" Ranzini
Email your vote by hitting reply or sending it to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
And if you love somebody, why not set them on fire?
(no, you still can't play with them)
* He is in the middle of catalog season
* He has an expecting wife at home
* He has an angry growth known as Kuato, who lives inside his right shoulder and comes out whenever necessary
* He has an extra-strong (albeit not durable) back and has been known to pull a plow for his family farm on the weekends when the oxen get tired
* He has been known to get into such a zone where he doesn't remember things, even things like dismantling an opposition, showering, and going back to work to eat at a proper time
* He has a callus under his hand where he keeps a graphics intern that comes out, finishes catalogs, and goes back into place. Rumors have it that might be the person we know as Bill Garbe, but I'm honestly not sure, it could be J2.
Adam started the fight off by emailing the company and telling them to vote for somebody else. Very chivalrous, also very non-UFC like. In fact, this opened the door for McCartney, who saw this as Shupe essentially completing an art request for a painful attack. McCartney responded by photo shopping a picture of Shupe giving him a pair of black eyes and a fat lip. He then carefully printed it out, mounted it on foam core, made Shupe a quick logo (for the demolition series), and placed all of this in a nice blue folder which was laying on Shupe's desk when he arrived into the office.
Shupe saw the folder (and should have known something was up as he did not place a folder on his desk last Friday, plus it was vibrating, almost appearing angry. And folders don't get angry) Shupe started to open it when it was flung open by Kuato, who executed what might be called a Facial, if you were willing to call something so gruesome and painful something so tame.
McCartney/Kuato led 7-2 early. Something had to stop this run...
Kathy "Call of Duty" Lutz was angry. She had won battles like this "ufc" thing years before Shupe or McCartney had emerged onto the Rawlings scene. And now Shupe was egging her on? As if she needed to flex her muscles one last time? But in a moment much like that when Michael Jordan returned from retirement, put 45 on the Knicks, and went back to retirement (or something like that) or when Ryan "The Closer" Farrar came back to pitch the Bad News Bears Rawlings softball team to a victory, Lutz calmly put her own self-recorded voicemail message ON, came downstairs, and delivered a left/right/left/right/left forearm attack to the stunned expression area of Shupe's face, making her 5 point statement before she climbed back upstairs and went back to work. And then she breathed. Wow.
Shupe is a bulldog, a fighter, and he locked down the shorter Kuato with a man to creature defensive attack that brought him back into the game. He followed it up with some slashing moves where he quickly darted in, took advantage of the lumbering nature of McCartney and knifed his way back to a 13-8-5 lead over McCartney (and Lutz). But this would not be enough.
J-Mac (Or the Jason who doesn't have to go by a Number) delivered a solid right shot (along with new graphics for the Caliber/Caliper bat, i'm not sure which one but I'm sure it was one of them and I'm sure it looked much better than Shupe). This battle was over, and now Kuato is hungry.
McCartney wins 15-8-5 over Shupe (and Lutz)., and advances to meet the winner of today's bout:
#7 Suzyn Rae "Agent Orange" Siebert
vs
#2 Kate "Bleepin" Ranzini
Email your vote by hitting reply or sending it to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
And if you love somebody, why not set them on fire?
(no, you still can't play with them)
Steven Seagal, Zen, and Superpowers
This fight is the MaIn Event, not the under card. In anticipation for this fight, Steven Seagal actually decided to change the name of his blockbuster 1991 film. Apparently, he is afraid that the title of this film, "Out for Justice", will send the wrong signal and enter himself into a fight that he simply doesn't want. And we all know about those fights you just don't want to make. Maybe it's college basketball and you don't want to play that Ivy League team (or that Missouri Valley Team!). Or maybe it's that office person you just don't want to confront because that might mean having to fill out an art request or (gulp) setting up a part in the system?
This fight had been billed as more than just the battle of the Maryville elliptical machine (this happens every Monday/Wednesday/Friday at lunch - the one on the left is better, apparently). It was more than the right to ruin the UFC dreams for Matt "Makin the Ladies" Howell since 98 (ALUM). This was two UFC beshemoths going head to head. Super Powers versus a Zen Master. No one wants a piece of a super hero, except that is for Maya "Make a Left turn on" Bradstreet. Maya eats girls like Logan for lunch. It's all a part of her wellness protection program.
So, here you go... wellness versus super powers.
Logan started this fight off well, by using Telepathy and knowing exactly when Maya would arrive. This gave her time to head to the parking lot and rearrange all cars (by hand, of course) so that Maya would have to walk longer to get in. Unfortunately for her though, Maya thrives on a bit extra walk - good morning chi, and this extra blast of summer air fueled her morning. The score was even, 2-2.
They met at last in the lobby. Logan moved fast, so fast, almost Dash-like (From the Incredibles silly), enabling her to respond to emails, bird dog a few projects for Tim, and still deliver some painful attack swipes. She led 4-2. Maya responded by meditating, sipping some Earl Grey, gently stretching, and while it sounds too simple to work, breathing. This match was knotted at 4-4
Logan turned on her X-Ray eyes - normally helpful, except security guard Googly Eyes came through - completely distracting Logan and allowing Maya to move into a Pilates routine known as the Hundred, doubling her total and extending an 8-4 lead. Justice shook away the distraction (my polite way of saying "took care of"), leaped into the wall and sprung/accelerated into Bradstreet tying the match again, 8-8.
They locked arms, Bradstreet breathing easily while Justice attempted to clamp down. The score evened again, at 11-11.
Then, in one swoop that i can only call super-duper powerful, Logan jumped into the air, pushed the ceiling up just a tad, reversed course and lobbed herself like a missile into Bradstreet. Both warriors fell to the pseudo-turf ground. In the end, only one could be standing.
Justice prevails, winning 14-13 over Bradstreet in a battle gripped with emotion. She will advance to meet Matt Howell next Thursday, 9/13.
This fight had been billed as more than just the battle of the Maryville elliptical machine (this happens every Monday/Wednesday/Friday at lunch - the one on the left is better, apparently). It was more than the right to ruin the UFC dreams for Matt "Makin the Ladies" Howell since 98 (ALUM). This was two UFC beshemoths going head to head. Super Powers versus a Zen Master. No one wants a piece of a super hero, except that is for Maya "Make a Left turn on" Bradstreet. Maya eats girls like Logan for lunch. It's all a part of her wellness protection program.
So, here you go... wellness versus super powers.
Logan started this fight off well, by using Telepathy and knowing exactly when Maya would arrive. This gave her time to head to the parking lot and rearrange all cars (by hand, of course) so that Maya would have to walk longer to get in. Unfortunately for her though, Maya thrives on a bit extra walk - good morning chi, and this extra blast of summer air fueled her morning. The score was even, 2-2.
They met at last in the lobby. Logan moved fast, so fast, almost Dash-like (From the Incredibles silly), enabling her to respond to emails, bird dog a few projects for Tim, and still deliver some painful attack swipes. She led 4-2. Maya responded by meditating, sipping some Earl Grey, gently stretching, and while it sounds too simple to work, breathing. This match was knotted at 4-4
Logan turned on her X-Ray eyes - normally helpful, except security guard Googly Eyes came through - completely distracting Logan and allowing Maya to move into a Pilates routine known as the Hundred, doubling her total and extending an 8-4 lead. Justice shook away the distraction (my polite way of saying "took care of"), leaped into the wall and sprung/accelerated into Bradstreet tying the match again, 8-8.
They locked arms, Bradstreet breathing easily while Justice attempted to clamp down. The score evened again, at 11-11.
Then, in one swoop that i can only call super-duper powerful, Logan jumped into the air, pushed the ceiling up just a tad, reversed course and lobbed herself like a missile into Bradstreet. Both warriors fell to the pseudo-turf ground. In the end, only one could be standing.
Justice prevails, winning 14-13 over Bradstreet in a battle gripped with emotion. She will advance to meet Matt Howell next Thursday, 9/13.
You've Been Flashed!
This is a crazy time of the month. Time for the accounting team to essentially lock themselves up, shut out from the outside world or even from IM, almost as if they've been quarantined. I learned recently what they do, and I have to say I'm a bit shocked. And this treatment was exactly what Bruce "Bruce" was about to receive as well. That's right, on Friday, both Jarden and Bruce were about to be flashed by the accounting department.
Bruce walked up to the 3rd floor, a walk that had grown a bit tiring in his (mid) age. Sometimes, when Bruce has an errand to run in accounting or maybe just wants to shoot the breeze with J-Lo in credit or Mad Mike in MIS, he misses the old building - where he could simply walk across his room to find these individuals. But now, as he hiked up the stairs, he knew things were getting tougher.
Matt "My flashing style makes the ladies" Howell sat in his office, waiting for his opposition to arrive. As he heard the trudging arrive in his area, he got ready. But he couldn't have been ready for what he saw when Bruce "Bruce" arrived. Bruce had picked up a couple of accounting-types on the way, and entered carrying "Mean" Rich Green in one arm and Elaine "Starting" Bell in the other, like two folding chairs. He entered the room, flinging both Bell and Green into the backpeddaling Howell, leaving a pile of accounting paperwork on the floor and giving Bruce Bruce an early 5-1 lead.
Howell stood up, shaking away his co-workers and the memories of what had caused this disturbance and got to work, accounting style. He gripped his shirt with both hands and lifted both arms, flashing Dickmann in a way reminiscent of that last trip to St Louis Mardi Gras Bruce had chaperoned a couple years ago. The power of this technique, which Howell had named Shock and Awe (emphasis on the Awe) left Dickmann stunned. Later reports on the scene have quoted Dickmann as saying Howell has really nice malacas, whatever that means. The speed at which the flash had ended and a complete accounting tuneup had been given left Howell up 11-6.
In fact, as the tuneup continued (flash followed by a painful attack known as the blind budget cut, which is a seemingly arbitrary budget cut dreamed up by accounting types to torment the non analytical-types, leaving Howell up now 16-8), not much could stop this party... except another party. Just then, an out of control victory party led by Chuck "Nuclear Power Plant" Malloy, whose team had not stopped partying since depositing Mark Kraemer on the UFC scrapheap zoomed by. And anyone who knows Howell knows he has the potential to be distracted by a new party.
Malloy flexed and belched as he left by, draped in a purply silk victory cape. And as quickly as he'd entered, he was gone.
Dickmann had one last energy burst in him. He dropped to the ground and began to drive, noggin first, into the legs of Howell. This surprisingly painful and funny maneuver sent Howell's office chair into its desk as Howell leapfrogged over Dickmann and out into the hallway in an odd matchup that was reminiscent of a Matador versus a Bull. This continued for a bit (charging and escaping) before Dickmann fell asleep, exhausted.
This was over.
Howell wins 21-11-1 over Bruce Bruce and Malloy. Don't worry fans, Malloy will be back.
Howell advances to meet the winner of our next matchup:
#4 Logan Justice (no nickname needed) versus #12 Maya "Make a Left on" Bradstreet.
Second matchup (a Double Dose Tuesday this week): #3 Jason "Graphic Violence" McCartney versus #6 Adam Shupe "rstar"
Hit REPLY to vote or email your vote to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
And please, put the fire down. or out. don't play with it.
Bruce walked up to the 3rd floor, a walk that had grown a bit tiring in his (mid) age. Sometimes, when Bruce has an errand to run in accounting or maybe just wants to shoot the breeze with J-Lo in credit or Mad Mike in MIS, he misses the old building - where he could simply walk across his room to find these individuals. But now, as he hiked up the stairs, he knew things were getting tougher.
Matt "My flashing style makes the ladies" Howell sat in his office, waiting for his opposition to arrive. As he heard the trudging arrive in his area, he got ready. But he couldn't have been ready for what he saw when Bruce "Bruce" arrived. Bruce had picked up a couple of accounting-types on the way, and entered carrying "Mean" Rich Green in one arm and Elaine "Starting" Bell in the other, like two folding chairs. He entered the room, flinging both Bell and Green into the backpeddaling Howell, leaving a pile of accounting paperwork on the floor and giving Bruce Bruce an early 5-1 lead.
Howell stood up, shaking away his co-workers and the memories of what had caused this disturbance and got to work, accounting style. He gripped his shirt with both hands and lifted both arms, flashing Dickmann in a way reminiscent of that last trip to St Louis Mardi Gras Bruce had chaperoned a couple years ago. The power of this technique, which Howell had named Shock and Awe (emphasis on the Awe) left Dickmann stunned. Later reports on the scene have quoted Dickmann as saying Howell has really nice malacas, whatever that means. The speed at which the flash had ended and a complete accounting tuneup had been given left Howell up 11-6.
In fact, as the tuneup continued (flash followed by a painful attack known as the blind budget cut, which is a seemingly arbitrary budget cut dreamed up by accounting types to torment the non analytical-types, leaving Howell up now 16-8), not much could stop this party... except another party. Just then, an out of control victory party led by Chuck "Nuclear Power Plant" Malloy, whose team had not stopped partying since depositing Mark Kraemer on the UFC scrapheap zoomed by. And anyone who knows Howell knows he has the potential to be distracted by a new party.
Malloy flexed and belched as he left by, draped in a purply silk victory cape. And as quickly as he'd entered, he was gone.
Dickmann had one last energy burst in him. He dropped to the ground and began to drive, noggin first, into the legs of Howell. This surprisingly painful and funny maneuver sent Howell's office chair into its desk as Howell leapfrogged over Dickmann and out into the hallway in an odd matchup that was reminiscent of a Matador versus a Bull. This continued for a bit (charging and escaping) before Dickmann fell asleep, exhausted.
This was over.
Howell wins 21-11-1 over Bruce Bruce and Malloy. Don't worry fans, Malloy will be back.
Howell advances to meet the winner of our next matchup:
#4 Logan Justice (no nickname needed) versus #12 Maya "Make a Left on" Bradstreet.
Second matchup (a Double Dose Tuesday this week): #3 Jason "Graphic Violence" McCartney versus #6 Adam Shupe "rstar"
Hit REPLY to vote or email your vote to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
And please, put the fire down. or out. don't play with it.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Rumpshaker
Chuck "Power Plant" Malloy snickered as he thought about this matchup. He had been training for it ever since that day he saw his sparkling face and powerful figure on the cover of Baseball America (as a star of a Rawlings bat ad). Or maybe it was when he appeared in a cloud of dry ice at a sales meeting. Or starred in a home movie by Denny "big sexy" whiteside.... In any case, he was ready.
Meanwhile though, Mark "Cosmo-Politan" Kraemer was also ready. Just a year ago he was a newlywed asking his wife for a vote. Now he's been working on a top secret military account, known as AAFES or Operation TankTop as it's known on the sales side of this company. Mark has been receiving basic training for awhile now and was completely ready to assemble some machinery out of steel...
Which meant this could only be one kind of competition. Chuck Malloy entered the offices clad in a pair of silky but extra tight SansaBelt Slacks. Extra tight not because Chuck had been eating too much, not at all. But Extra Tight as it would be critical for "Up" Chuck's strategy. Mark wore a pair of navy bicycle pants, which were manufactured specifically for this purpose and on the closeout list as of a few weeks ago. The two met in the middle, near the front door. They bashed elbows, nodded, and then began the clash, Buns of Steel style.
First up was Malloy, shimmying like Shakira to the pitter patter of the second floor onlookers, Chuck gave a full 360 spin as he squeezed and spoke with what his momma gave him. Malloy led 5-0, then 7-0 when he paused and erupted in a move known in the discoteques as Gluteus Maximus Impact. Kraemer nodded, then retailiated on his own, bringing the matchup close at 7-5 when he electric slid his way into position, lifted his right leg up onto the steps, did a quick hurdler's stretch mixed with a Robot pose to intrigue Malloy (which worked, Chuck loves robots), and then grooved in an extended remix of scoops and sways, showing a range of motion that was simply unexpected.
Crowds began to gather, pumping their fists in anticipation. Pandemonium hit the second floor. Security guards began to thump. The lobby was jumping.
But not every Rawlings employee was happy about this attention. In fact, several tried to break up this display. Andy "AK47" Pawlowski, back in town and angry at his sudden elimination from the field, attempted to use his massive height to draw attention and disrupt the battle. Nothing. Bob "Glove Doctor Death" Clevenhagen came in in a leather onesie, ready to dance and lead the audience, but no one stopped to gaze. Lindsey Naber called her neighborhood watch patroller, ManYard Johnson in to try and create a quick mirror-driven display to keep these warriors out of passersby's line of sight. And Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees tried to attach a leather cape and wear it around to distract the audience. But nothing could attract attention away from this scene. Nothing.
Dennis "Re" Turner entered in what is becoming a crazy, crazy thing. This guy just goes on the road, comes in the office, takes some BP or aggression out on the office-dweller types and then heads back onto the road. He does not stick around to fight in this UFC, he just likes to destroy the willpower of those who train and fight in it. And, trust me, DT did not want to stick around to see this fight play out. He did 1-2-Cha Cha Cha his way to making his impact felt, but that was it. He was out.
So, Malloy surveyed the scene. Cosmo was down, resting. And Malloy was primed and ready. He wasted no time, leaping to the air and twisting his body to the side. Oh yeah. He displayed a move that was part defensive slide, part teeter totter . It was simply known as the Heart Breaker. And, as Chuck moved his body in rapid circles, twitching and clapping to the beat of an imaginary drummer, anyone following the UFC knew this one was over.
Malloy wins 17-8-8-1-1-1-1 over Kraemer, DT, Pawlowski, Clevenhagen, Manyard, and J2. Wow. He becomes the 2nd 15 seed to make it to the sweet 16, joining Jan "Redbird Rage" Grundig. Take that.
Now on to our final regional, the E-Ville Region.
Up next, #1 Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann versus #9 Matt "Accounting Flash" Howell. Hit reply to vote or just email it to rawlingsufc@gmail.com.
And, if you are playing with fire, be near some grass. Then you can roll around on it and put it out.
Meanwhile though, Mark "Cosmo-Politan" Kraemer was also ready. Just a year ago he was a newlywed asking his wife for a vote. Now he's been working on a top secret military account, known as AAFES or Operation TankTop as it's known on the sales side of this company. Mark has been receiving basic training for awhile now and was completely ready to assemble some machinery out of steel...
Which meant this could only be one kind of competition. Chuck Malloy entered the offices clad in a pair of silky but extra tight SansaBelt Slacks. Extra tight not because Chuck had been eating too much, not at all. But Extra Tight as it would be critical for "Up" Chuck's strategy. Mark wore a pair of navy bicycle pants, which were manufactured specifically for this purpose and on the closeout list as of a few weeks ago. The two met in the middle, near the front door. They bashed elbows, nodded, and then began the clash, Buns of Steel style.
First up was Malloy, shimmying like Shakira to the pitter patter of the second floor onlookers, Chuck gave a full 360 spin as he squeezed and spoke with what his momma gave him. Malloy led 5-0, then 7-0 when he paused and erupted in a move known in the discoteques as Gluteus Maximus Impact. Kraemer nodded, then retailiated on his own, bringing the matchup close at 7-5 when he electric slid his way into position, lifted his right leg up onto the steps, did a quick hurdler's stretch mixed with a Robot pose to intrigue Malloy (which worked, Chuck loves robots), and then grooved in an extended remix of scoops and sways, showing a range of motion that was simply unexpected.
Crowds began to gather, pumping their fists in anticipation. Pandemonium hit the second floor. Security guards began to thump. The lobby was jumping.
But not every Rawlings employee was happy about this attention. In fact, several tried to break up this display. Andy "AK47" Pawlowski, back in town and angry at his sudden elimination from the field, attempted to use his massive height to draw attention and disrupt the battle. Nothing. Bob "Glove Doctor Death" Clevenhagen came in in a leather onesie, ready to dance and lead the audience, but no one stopped to gaze. Lindsey Naber called her neighborhood watch patroller, ManYard Johnson in to try and create a quick mirror-driven display to keep these warriors out of passersby's line of sight. And Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees tried to attach a leather cape and wear it around to distract the audience. But nothing could attract attention away from this scene. Nothing.
Dennis "Re" Turner entered in what is becoming a crazy, crazy thing. This guy just goes on the road, comes in the office, takes some BP or aggression out on the office-dweller types and then heads back onto the road. He does not stick around to fight in this UFC, he just likes to destroy the willpower of those who train and fight in it. And, trust me, DT did not want to stick around to see this fight play out. He did 1-2-Cha Cha Cha his way to making his impact felt, but that was it. He was out.
So, Malloy surveyed the scene. Cosmo was down, resting. And Malloy was primed and ready. He wasted no time, leaping to the air and twisting his body to the side. Oh yeah. He displayed a move that was part defensive slide, part teeter totter . It was simply known as the Heart Breaker. And, as Chuck moved his body in rapid circles, twitching and clapping to the beat of an imaginary drummer, anyone following the UFC knew this one was over.
Malloy wins 17-8-8-1-1-1-1 over Kraemer, DT, Pawlowski, Clevenhagen, Manyard, and J2. Wow. He becomes the 2nd 15 seed to make it to the sweet 16, joining Jan "Redbird Rage" Grundig. Take that.
Now on to our final regional, the E-Ville Region.
Up next, #1 Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann versus #9 Matt "Accounting Flash" Howell. Hit reply to vote or just email it to rawlingsufc@gmail.com.
And, if you are playing with fire, be near some grass. Then you can roll around on it and put it out.
Friday, August 24, 2007
A Battle of Love
Oh, love is in the air. I've noticed this as I've watched J2 and Seth have worked patiently together on a special project going back and forth, picking out colors and details over the past several months. It's almost like they are planning a special event. I hope I'm invited...
Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees has been training for this matchup for awhile. In fact, for the past thirty days or so, he's been diligently taking a nice helping of Monavie. (for more info, go to monavie.com or swing by Voorhees' desk). The little purple liquid magic, as El Gigante calls it, had sculpted his muscles just enough that he could deliver the best bear hug you could ever receive. This tight, powerhug that started with a man-hug (the side type of hug) evolved into a full bore hug and with Seth resting his head contentedly on El Gigante's piped arms (El Gigante took a 4-0 lead for his Monavie training regimen, which slipped to 4.5-1.5 when Seth felt content rather than afraid.) Who needs to fight when you can rest, right? Wrong.
El Gigante turned the bear hug into a Full Nelson, uncomfortably taking down Elrod to the graphics canvas (a nice base for any artwork, by the way) in a crazy 9.5-4.5 lead. In the graphics area, they paused to see intern Dany Tirado's crazy new laptop-like drawing pad - which wowed those two as they gazed at the pretty technology, moving the score to 9 5/6 - 4 5/6 - 1/3 tally of Voorhees over Elrod over the Office of the Future.
In that moment, laying on the canvas, Seth went after J Two with his best weapon, and one that should have been expected... the man crush. This started with a look, then a second, double take kind of look. The kind that you hope the other person doesn't notice. (we all know this look - it's always noticed). He blushed. A shade of pink that we've all seen on Elrod. This man crush would revisit several times in the bout - as any powerful man crush does. For now, though, it narrowed the score to 9 5/6 - 7 5/6 - 1/3.
El Gigante has survived many a man crush before - as witnessed by many passersby, so he knows just how to break them. He acted completely disinterested in anything Seth had to say. This was very troubling for Elrod, who prides himself on being the center of a conversation. The more Seth tried to impress with flashy, coordinated outfits or witty sayings or even compliments, the more El Gigante ignored him. This silencer treatment pushed the score to 18 1/3 - 9 1/3 - 1/3.
El Gigante wins, remaining the top remaining seed in the once-proud Rio Regional.
He advances to meet the winner of Monday's first matchup:
#7 Barb "Pro Pain" Foerstel versus #15 Jan "Redbird Fury" Grundig
don't forget to vote for the second battle too... (Sturgis regional)
#1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside versus #9 Brian "Big Thunder" Dorsey.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com or hit reply.
And don't play with fire. Play kickball instead.
Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees has been training for this matchup for awhile. In fact, for the past thirty days or so, he's been diligently taking a nice helping of Monavie. (for more info, go to monavie.com or swing by Voorhees' desk). The little purple liquid magic, as El Gigante calls it, had sculpted his muscles just enough that he could deliver the best bear hug you could ever receive. This tight, powerhug that started with a man-hug (the side type of hug) evolved into a full bore hug and with Seth resting his head contentedly on El Gigante's piped arms (El Gigante took a 4-0 lead for his Monavie training regimen, which slipped to 4.5-1.5 when Seth felt content rather than afraid.) Who needs to fight when you can rest, right? Wrong.
El Gigante turned the bear hug into a Full Nelson, uncomfortably taking down Elrod to the graphics canvas (a nice base for any artwork, by the way) in a crazy 9.5-4.5 lead. In the graphics area, they paused to see intern Dany Tirado's crazy new laptop-like drawing pad - which wowed those two as they gazed at the pretty technology, moving the score to 9 5/6 - 4 5/6 - 1/3 tally of Voorhees over Elrod over the Office of the Future.
In that moment, laying on the canvas, Seth went after J Two with his best weapon, and one that should have been expected... the man crush. This started with a look, then a second, double take kind of look. The kind that you hope the other person doesn't notice. (we all know this look - it's always noticed). He blushed. A shade of pink that we've all seen on Elrod. This man crush would revisit several times in the bout - as any powerful man crush does. For now, though, it narrowed the score to 9 5/6 - 7 5/6 - 1/3.
El Gigante has survived many a man crush before - as witnessed by many passersby, so he knows just how to break them. He acted completely disinterested in anything Seth had to say. This was very troubling for Elrod, who prides himself on being the center of a conversation. The more Seth tried to impress with flashy, coordinated outfits or witty sayings or even compliments, the more El Gigante ignored him. This silencer treatment pushed the score to 18 1/3 - 9 1/3 - 1/3.
El Gigante wins, remaining the top remaining seed in the once-proud Rio Regional.
He advances to meet the winner of Monday's first matchup:
#7 Barb "Pro Pain" Foerstel versus #15 Jan "Redbird Fury" Grundig
don't forget to vote for the second battle too... (Sturgis regional)
#1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside versus #9 Brian "Big Thunder" Dorsey.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com or hit reply.
And don't play with fire. Play kickball instead.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
self service mailroom explosiveness
I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it with my own eyes. This was the battle of an All Star (Ron Hilson of the Rawlings All Star award) and an MVP (as in, Lindsey Naber-Garvey, NL MVP of 1974). And they were staring at each other in the mail room. Joann Miller had cleared out of the way faster than she has in a UFC bout (except for that Whiteside battle). The battle began by Naber hobbling over to the side, bending over struggling to get a box from the stash under the counter. It was obvious her knee was bothering her. Ron offered to help, squatting down to reach for a box. It was then that he realized, in a laser quick moment, that Lindsey was not wearing a normal knee brace... but one made of steel. This steel knee delivered a thud to the melon of Hilson and sent him to the ground. Lindsey then wrapped him gently in bubble wrap and began to attack her helpless prey. She extended an early 6-1 lead.
Suddenly, into the mailroom in a fury came Kathy "Just Try to Return That" Lutz, still fuming. Apparently she has been trying repeatedly to have her email address changed from it's current "clutz with a K at rawlings.com" to something more polite that generates less spam or at least less sales rep emails. This hasn't worked and she has no time for fighting anyway. She did have time to pop the bubble wrap on Hilson in a most painful manner, then pick up Naber and throw her onto the cart where she (and Hilson) were both wheeled out of the mailroom and into the hallway. Kathy did this in a quick and painless manner, very nonchelantly in fact. And she was off.
Hilson seized this as an opportunity to get bizzy, Paris style, as it's known to the Hilton team. He opened up a box and began tossing outfit after outfit at Naber - blowing her mind with the combination of outfit style and versatility. Naber did not know how to react. Should she recommend the Steak N Shake white top with the black bow tie, or should see where that top but put the Ten Pen bowling shirt on. She couldn't react to an outfit quick enough. Meanwhile Hilson kept on supplying outfit after outfit, fabric after fabric. Lindsey was confused by the style (of attack). Hilson narrowed the gap to 10-6 then closed it to 10-10 with an amazing, unpredictable Mr Cool-Flo shirt. wow.
Diana "La Ama de los Ocho Angulos" Estrada entered with a special international UFC delivery. No one was quite sure where this came from or how it was even possible, but she came with a message, in Spanish, although she translated it quickly to UFC with a double wheelbarrow pick up and toss, lifting Naber and Hilson away from the clothing display and to the ground. her point was made. quietly and quickly. but felt nonetheless.
Theat opening was all Naber needed. She one-legged ran over to Hilson (just like her personal trainer taught her) and used her good leg to balance while she bent her not so good leg to just the right angle and delivered a well placed and rapid paced series of mechanical thumps that resembled a foose-ball table attack to Hilson. He was a pawn in her game, unable to respond. Unable to move. unable to win.
Naber wins 21-10-2-2 over Hilson, Lutz, and Estrada and advances to meet Pam "Pann Pann" Klosterman on Monday 9/10.
Up next: a marketing versus graphics super fight:
#6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees versus #14 "Crystal" Seth Elrod
hit reply to vote (or email rawlingsufc@gmail.com). and don't play with fire. unless you are playing with that new rawlings basketball, en fuego. that's hot.
Suddenly, into the mailroom in a fury came Kathy "Just Try to Return That" Lutz, still fuming. Apparently she has been trying repeatedly to have her email address changed from it's current "clutz with a K at rawlings.com" to something more polite that generates less spam or at least less sales rep emails. This hasn't worked and she has no time for fighting anyway. She did have time to pop the bubble wrap on Hilson in a most painful manner, then pick up Naber and throw her onto the cart where she (and Hilson) were both wheeled out of the mailroom and into the hallway. Kathy did this in a quick and painless manner, very nonchelantly in fact. And she was off.
Hilson seized this as an opportunity to get bizzy, Paris style, as it's known to the Hilton team. He opened up a box and began tossing outfit after outfit at Naber - blowing her mind with the combination of outfit style and versatility. Naber did not know how to react. Should she recommend the Steak N Shake white top with the black bow tie, or should see where that top but put the Ten Pen bowling shirt on. She couldn't react to an outfit quick enough. Meanwhile Hilson kept on supplying outfit after outfit, fabric after fabric. Lindsey was confused by the style (of attack). Hilson narrowed the gap to 10-6 then closed it to 10-10 with an amazing, unpredictable Mr Cool-Flo shirt. wow.
Diana "La Ama de los Ocho Angulos" Estrada entered with a special international UFC delivery. No one was quite sure where this came from or how it was even possible, but she came with a message, in Spanish, although she translated it quickly to UFC with a double wheelbarrow pick up and toss, lifting Naber and Hilson away from the clothing display and to the ground. her point was made. quietly and quickly. but felt nonetheless.
Theat opening was all Naber needed. She one-legged ran over to Hilson (just like her personal trainer taught her) and used her good leg to balance while she bent her not so good leg to just the right angle and delivered a well placed and rapid paced series of mechanical thumps that resembled a foose-ball table attack to Hilson. He was a pawn in her game, unable to respond. Unable to move. unable to win.
Naber wins 21-10-2-2 over Hilson, Lutz, and Estrada and advances to meet Pam "Pann Pann" Klosterman on Monday 9/10.
Up next: a marketing versus graphics super fight:
#6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees versus #14 "Crystal" Seth Elrod
hit reply to vote (or email rawlingsufc@gmail.com). and don't play with fire. unless you are playing with that new rawlings basketball, en fuego. that's hot.
Who ordered the Surf n Turf?
Ever sit around with your friends and the question pops up of who would win in a fight between Ron and Pam? Me too! Its an argument that could only be settled one way: The Rawlings UFC.
Number 1 seed Ron "Busta" Kappauff "(in your....)" versus number 9 Pam "Pann Pann" Klosterman. Apparently the UFC decides match ups based on alphabetical order? Here's how it all went down:
Ron came to work very prepared yesterday. He brought his waiting bib overalls (waterproof of course), plaid shirt, rubber gloves, cages, limes so he wouldn't get scurvy, a net, a bib, and some butter. He had also been increasing his pain threshold by asking Dan to pinch him each time they had a meeting......all to prepare him for whom Ron thought was his opponent, "The Lobsterman." Ron figured there was a life-sized lobster that had fallen into some ooze and transformed (Ron watched too much Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a kid). Ron was wrong (it appears Ron's hearing isn't what it used to be) and he knew it as soon as he saw Pam pull in to the parking lot with her shinny new convertible.
You see, Pam was prepared too....or so she thought. Pam came dressed as a crab (or was that her attitude, I forgot? .....ooohhh, low blow by the narrator) because she had heard Ron thought he was fighting a Lobsterman and wanted to confuse him. "I'm a Crab, not a Lobster" said Pam. "Oh, well I guess I'm not fighting you" said Ron. Ron now knew he had made a mistake, but wasn't going to let Pam know that. Ron all of the sudden threw the net over the crab for a point and the fight was on. Pam used her pinchers to quickly escape from the net, but Ron had a cage too....so he threw that on her. Score: Ron 3, Crabby Pam 1.
The cage Pam was in quickly broke though as Scott Siebers crashed into it when he heard there was sea-protein around....Pam was released!! She pinched Ron here and pinched Ron there, Ron kicked once, but Pam kept on pinching (Feel free to insert "nagged" wherever it says "pinched"...just sayin'). Score: Ron 4, Pam 7.
Pam felt indestructible in her plastic crab suit. Ron felt silly in his rubber overalls. They kept fighting. Ron would use his ultra-leg power and Pam would rub the product out of Ron's hair, Ron would throw a punch and Pam would crab-walk (that actually gets you lots of points in the UFC), Ron would take a step forward and Pam would push him back two. It seemed as if Ron had no answer.....and that was because he didn't.
A single tear ran down the face of Ron. He knew he was defeated. Pam took mercy. She lifted Ron up off the floor and clipped his head off with one of her giant pinchers. (Yes, that was Pam taking mercy on him!) It was an amazing bloody situation. Don't worry, Ron's head is in the fridge in his (old) cube if you want to tell him goodbye.
Pam wins 25-14 over who was once considered the fan favorite and people's Champ Ron Headoff. (Not to be confused with head-on, apply directly to the head).
Next up:
#12 Lindsey "Can I borrow a cup of sugar?" Naber
vs. #13 Ron ""Get these interns away from my cube" Hilson
Reply to vote or go to
Number 1 seed Ron "Busta" Kappauff "(in your....)" versus number 9 Pam "Pann Pann" Klosterman. Apparently the UFC decides match ups based on alphabetical order? Here's how it all went down:
Ron came to work very prepared yesterday. He brought his waiting bib overalls (waterproof of course), plaid shirt, rubber gloves, cages, limes so he wouldn't get scurvy, a net, a bib, and some butter. He had also been increasing his pain threshold by asking Dan to pinch him each time they had a meeting......all to prepare him for whom Ron thought was his opponent, "The Lobsterman." Ron figured there was a life-sized lobster that had fallen into some ooze and transformed (Ron watched too much Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a kid). Ron was wrong (it appears Ron's hearing isn't what it used to be) and he knew it as soon as he saw Pam pull in to the parking lot with her shinny new convertible.
You see, Pam was prepared too....or so she thought. Pam came dressed as a crab (or was that her attitude, I forgot? .....ooohhh, low blow by the narrator) because she had heard Ron thought he was fighting a Lobsterman and wanted to confuse him. "I'm a Crab, not a Lobster" said Pam. "Oh, well I guess I'm not fighting you" said Ron. Ron now knew he had made a mistake, but wasn't going to let Pam know that. Ron all of the sudden threw the net over the crab for a point and the fight was on. Pam used her pinchers to quickly escape from the net, but Ron had a cage too....so he threw that on her. Score: Ron 3, Crabby Pam 1.
The cage Pam was in quickly broke though as Scott Siebers crashed into it when he heard there was sea-protein around....Pam was released!! She pinched Ron here and pinched Ron there, Ron kicked once, but Pam kept on pinching (Feel free to insert "nagged" wherever it says "pinched"...just sayin'). Score: Ron 4, Pam 7.
Pam felt indestructible in her plastic crab suit. Ron felt silly in his rubber overalls. They kept fighting. Ron would use his ultra-leg power and Pam would rub the product out of Ron's hair, Ron would throw a punch and Pam would crab-walk (that actually gets you lots of points in the UFC), Ron would take a step forward and Pam would push him back two. It seemed as if Ron had no answer.....and that was because he didn't.
A single tear ran down the face of Ron. He knew he was defeated. Pam took mercy. She lifted Ron up off the floor and clipped his head off with one of her giant pinchers. (Yes, that was Pam taking mercy on him!) It was an amazing bloody situation. Don't worry, Ron's head is in the fridge in his (old) cube if you want to tell him goodbye.
Pam wins 25-14 over who was once considered the fan favorite and people's Champ Ron Headoff. (Not to be confused with head-on, apply directly to the head).
Next up:
#12 Lindsey "Can I borrow a cup of sugar?" Naber
vs. #13 Ron ""Get these interns away from my cube" Hilson
Reply to vote or go to
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
a tech center full of hockey pucks
Who is the toughest, meanest Rawlings tech center employee? That is the question, first explored by Greg Williams, along with the regular members of El Tech Lucha Libre (also known as the Mixed Martial Arts InterOffice Fight Club). This is a group of people who have the ability to multiply like rabbits, but more like Gremlins - or like Mogwais who have eaten pizza after midnight no doubt. In any case, no one in the St Louis office is quite sure how many people reside in the Tech Center, and many are sceptical if this "tech center" really exists, let alone the chip on the shoulder warrior known as Wes "Padre del Pato" Lukash. But that's neither here nor there. Wes was here to stay, after scalping Scott "Cherry Garcia" Keene in Round 1. Here are some other little known facts on Lukash:
Nickname: Wes "tNile". He inflicts mosquito bite like attacks that can spread fear without reason that have been known to cause nausea or itching.
Favorite Care Bears character: Sunshine.
Favorite Ralph Maccio movie: Popcorn Shrimp
Favorite Recess activity: skipping
Now back to the fight. Lukash wasn't quite familiar with the is UFC or its rules (or lack thereof). He entered the Tech Center octagon clad in his MMAIOFC battle spandex - the brighter home uniforms. Unfortunately for him, he didn't see Becky Shaw "Redemption". As in Redemption for having to plan a wedding in the middle of hockey season. As in Redemption for having to carry the family honor in the UFC while Jeremy gardened. As in Redemption for having to fight in the Octagon, not a rink. And Redemption as in she had no time for this UFC.
That was apparent as she entered with a hockey stick and began knocking Tech Center employees one by one into Lukash - squashing the dreams of the Tech Center Lucha Libre along the way (along with other dreams). First, Biju Mathew (who carries really well, like a light ball) went scurrying into the legs of Lukash. Then, came Shilo "The Natural" Shively was swept into Lukash. Bob "Chorizo" Neauss was body checked across the tech center. Chad Caldwell "that ends well" was yanked out of his normal location (cheerleading from the sidelines) into the octagon and he was dropped like a human pyramid into the puddle known as Lukash. Shaw was on fire (per UFC rules, please don't play with fire).
Dennis "Re" Turner entered the fray, set to prove he could end this medlum. But, unfortunately, he instead saw this as an opportunity to test out the new Rush bat on the grill of Lukash. (way less exciting than a Head of lettuce, but better than a 2 liter bottle is all i can say). He then ((for good measure) picked up Lukash and drove him to the ground in a DDT TNT power drive. But that was it. He had an event to plan, and unlike Shaw, he has an event like every 6 hours from now until October. He was simply unable to stay in the fight long enough to make an impact. DT did growl angrily at Shaw, but then he had to hit the road again. He was gone.
Oh, and as for Jeremy "Boston Baked Bean" O'Hara, he was nowhere to be found today. He knew this wasn't the moment to talk to Becky. He was working from home.
This battle was over. Shaw wins 21-9-3 over Turner and Lukash.
She advances to meet yesterday's winner, Jeff "I see London, I see" France on Friday 9/7.
Up next:
we move back to the Rio Regional with:
#1 Ron "Busta" Kappauff versus #9 Pam "Pann Pann" Klostermann
Hit reply to vote. (or email to rawlingsUFC@gmail.com)
and put down the flammable objects around the fire when you play with it.
Nickname: Wes "tNile". He inflicts mosquito bite like attacks that can spread fear without reason that have been known to cause nausea or itching.
Favorite Care Bears character: Sunshine.
Favorite Ralph Maccio movie: Popcorn Shrimp
Favorite Recess activity: skipping
Now back to the fight. Lukash wasn't quite familiar with the is UFC or its rules (or lack thereof). He entered the Tech Center octagon clad in his MMAIOFC battle spandex - the brighter home uniforms. Unfortunately for him, he didn't see Becky Shaw "Redemption". As in Redemption for having to plan a wedding in the middle of hockey season. As in Redemption for having to carry the family honor in the UFC while Jeremy gardened. As in Redemption for having to fight in the Octagon, not a rink. And Redemption as in she had no time for this UFC.
That was apparent as she entered with a hockey stick and began knocking Tech Center employees one by one into Lukash - squashing the dreams of the Tech Center Lucha Libre along the way (along with other dreams). First, Biju Mathew (who carries really well, like a light ball) went scurrying into the legs of Lukash. Then, came Shilo "The Natural" Shively was swept into Lukash. Bob "Chorizo" Neauss was body checked across the tech center. Chad Caldwell "that ends well" was yanked out of his normal location (cheerleading from the sidelines) into the octagon and he was dropped like a human pyramid into the puddle known as Lukash. Shaw was on fire (per UFC rules, please don't play with fire).
Dennis "Re" Turner entered the fray, set to prove he could end this medlum. But, unfortunately, he instead saw this as an opportunity to test out the new Rush bat on the grill of Lukash. (way less exciting than a Head of lettuce, but better than a 2 liter bottle is all i can say). He then ((for good measure) picked up Lukash and drove him to the ground in a DDT TNT power drive. But that was it. He had an event to plan, and unlike Shaw, he has an event like every 6 hours from now until October. He was simply unable to stay in the fight long enough to make an impact. DT did growl angrily at Shaw, but then he had to hit the road again. He was gone.
Oh, and as for Jeremy "Boston Baked Bean" O'Hara, he was nowhere to be found today. He knew this wasn't the moment to talk to Becky. He was working from home.
This battle was over. Shaw wins 21-9-3 over Turner and Lukash.
She advances to meet yesterday's winner, Jeff "I see London, I see" France on Friday 9/7.
Up next:
we move back to the Rio Regional with:
#1 Ron "Busta" Kappauff versus #9 Pam "Pann Pann" Klostermann
Hit reply to vote. (or email to rawlingsUFC@gmail.com)
and put down the flammable objects around the fire when you play with it.
Monday, August 20, 2007
A Most Excellent double dose adventure
This day would be the day that the Wyld Stallyns would be put to the test. When we last left William "Bill" S. Preston Esquire and Ted "Theodore" Logan, they were starring in a hit 1991 movie. Now it was time for Bill & Ted to have an Ultimate Fighting Adventure. They would be put to a test in the name of Ryan "The Closer" Farrar and Jeff "I see London, I see" France, respectively.
Bill and Ted entered into a phone booth that was essentially just Sharon Adams' office with a computer in it. They had been in these places before and they knew they were going to need to do a bit of research to help Robert on his History Channel article. Thankfully they were ready for the trip back in time. They crunched together ever so closely (maybe too closely) and picked up the phone. Well almost. Ted called out to one of his girls to dial the number for him. You know, he wasn't sure what year to travel back to, or so I'm told. Back to 1959 they went.
Wow, the gloves were neat, and the ads were cool too. They stopped for some smokes and hung out at the local soda shop. Bill waxed his car and hung his coat over his shoulder while Ted went inside to flirt with the ladies. It was great fun. They noticed on the radio a sudden a great play by a St Louis Cardinal, and decided they'd need to bring in Stan Musial for questioning, so they brought him into the phone booth and it took off.
They zoomed ahead to 1969. There, they stopped in Los Angeles just to watch a couple of baseball games. Ted wanted to make sure we noticed the athletic prowess of their second baseman. Oh this was grand fun, as the two had completely forgotten about Robert's history lesson by now. They watched the game, drove over to watch a KU basketball game (this was their last title season, I think) and hung with the ladies. Then they got back into Sharon's office and something happened. Neither guy could make the office move. They tried to dial support. But neither knew the number - Ted because he doesn't use a computer and Bill because he uses a Mac and is his own support. So they dialed a number at random. They ended up in 1980.
And out into the world they emerged. It was a grand time. A time filled with love and opportunity. Bill & Ted frolicked in the meadows and on the beach. Then it hit them. And by it, I mean the surfboard of a large man. A man with hair golden and long and ever so powerful. His bronze arms were lost in his man-locks. And Ted wanted to pick a battle. He nudged Bill and calmly walked over to the golden warrior (who was apparently Jeff France of 2007 - who had just gone back in time with the specific reason of fighting). Jeff delivered a surfboard to the head and then swept the leg with his pearly white K Swisses. Flash, Flash went the shoes. Ted smiled, apparently thinking he was back in his playing days with the blinding lights being similar to flashes of photography. He smiled again, then it hit him. This was no photo shoot. This was war.
Ted called for help. But he used the phone and the three of them (France, Ted, and Bill) emerged in another year.
Sharon's office zoomed out of control. It was as if it was controlled by an outside force. Something or someone with so powerful a pull that it would call these warriors to it. 1974. The office stopped and a man with a waxy expression and large forearms entered. He punched in Ted and Bill and demanded to be transported to 2006. Apparently he had a young lady to meet in our offices. I'm not sure who this man was or who he was meeting but rumor has it he was the MVP of the National League that year. Rumor also has it he arrived in 2006, flirted with someone, then went back to 1974 to do some bicep curls. The fighters finally dumped off in 2002.
Bill escped to do a little research on a Rawlings innovation - the Vise fielder's glove. He sat in a product development meeting and then went outside to catch some fresh air. Just then, he saw a young man, a baseball player, fresh out of practice. Bill called over to him, maybe to do some testing, I'm not sure. But this young athlete was Ryan "The Closer" Farrar, and he was in his baseball prime - somewhere around 16 years of age at the time. And he was angry. Who was this guy coming into his field, breaking up his routine? And why was he trying to put Farrar into a Vise hold? Farrar and Garbe traded blows back and forth - both very powerful and some more long winded than others. But, with Garbe in mid air about to deliver a Warlock Unlockable Gallantry maneuver, they were sucked in ever so quickly into the office.
And they all finally landed back in the present day, in our offices. The fighters squared off in our offices, and these battles were close. On one side, France and Sizemore were locked in a battle of Golden Locks - the flowing battle shield of France going against the Extra tight perm of Ted. No stylist could decide this victory. It would come down to a final move, one that seemed impossible. France leapt into the air, his legs at 90 degree angles, his heart in his fist and his fist in Ted's smile. Allright.
On the other side, the youthful Farrar was delivering a series of punches that bended with much more movement than the Farrar of today. Much more. And that was impossible for the veteran Garbe to attack.
Ryan "The Closer" Farrar emerged with a 16-13 victory over Bill. And Jeff "I See London, I See" France escaped with a 15-14 victory over Ted. The UFC will not see a Bill & Ted sequel. They forgot to do the history assignment for Robert and this instead fell into the laps of our interns. Geez.
Farrar advances to meet #8 Dan "PEBKAC" Jundt.
France advances to meet the winner of today's matchup:
Unseeded Wes "Padre del Pato" Lukash vs. #10 Becky "Two Turntables and a Microphone" Shaw
Hit Reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
Bill and Ted entered into a phone booth that was essentially just Sharon Adams' office with a computer in it. They had been in these places before and they knew they were going to need to do a bit of research to help Robert on his History Channel article. Thankfully they were ready for the trip back in time. They crunched together ever so closely (maybe too closely) and picked up the phone. Well almost. Ted called out to one of his girls to dial the number for him. You know, he wasn't sure what year to travel back to, or so I'm told. Back to 1959 they went.
Wow, the gloves were neat, and the ads were cool too. They stopped for some smokes and hung out at the local soda shop. Bill waxed his car and hung his coat over his shoulder while Ted went inside to flirt with the ladies. It was great fun. They noticed on the radio a sudden a great play by a St Louis Cardinal, and decided they'd need to bring in Stan Musial for questioning, so they brought him into the phone booth and it took off.
They zoomed ahead to 1969. There, they stopped in Los Angeles just to watch a couple of baseball games. Ted wanted to make sure we noticed the athletic prowess of their second baseman. Oh this was grand fun, as the two had completely forgotten about Robert's history lesson by now. They watched the game, drove over to watch a KU basketball game (this was their last title season, I think) and hung with the ladies. Then they got back into Sharon's office and something happened. Neither guy could make the office move. They tried to dial support. But neither knew the number - Ted because he doesn't use a computer and Bill because he uses a Mac and is his own support. So they dialed a number at random. They ended up in 1980.
And out into the world they emerged. It was a grand time. A time filled with love and opportunity. Bill & Ted frolicked in the meadows and on the beach. Then it hit them. And by it, I mean the surfboard of a large man. A man with hair golden and long and ever so powerful. His bronze arms were lost in his man-locks. And Ted wanted to pick a battle. He nudged Bill and calmly walked over to the golden warrior (who was apparently Jeff France of 2007 - who had just gone back in time with the specific reason of fighting). Jeff delivered a surfboard to the head and then swept the leg with his pearly white K Swisses. Flash, Flash went the shoes. Ted smiled, apparently thinking he was back in his playing days with the blinding lights being similar to flashes of photography. He smiled again, then it hit him. This was no photo shoot. This was war.
Ted called for help. But he used the phone and the three of them (France, Ted, and Bill) emerged in another year.
Sharon's office zoomed out of control. It was as if it was controlled by an outside force. Something or someone with so powerful a pull that it would call these warriors to it. 1974. The office stopped and a man with a waxy expression and large forearms entered. He punched in Ted and Bill and demanded to be transported to 2006. Apparently he had a young lady to meet in our offices. I'm not sure who this man was or who he was meeting but rumor has it he was the MVP of the National League that year. Rumor also has it he arrived in 2006, flirted with someone, then went back to 1974 to do some bicep curls. The fighters finally dumped off in 2002.
Bill escped to do a little research on a Rawlings innovation - the Vise fielder's glove. He sat in a product development meeting and then went outside to catch some fresh air. Just then, he saw a young man, a baseball player, fresh out of practice. Bill called over to him, maybe to do some testing, I'm not sure. But this young athlete was Ryan "The Closer" Farrar, and he was in his baseball prime - somewhere around 16 years of age at the time. And he was angry. Who was this guy coming into his field, breaking up his routine? And why was he trying to put Farrar into a Vise hold? Farrar and Garbe traded blows back and forth - both very powerful and some more long winded than others. But, with Garbe in mid air about to deliver a Warlock Unlockable Gallantry maneuver, they were sucked in ever so quickly into the office.
And they all finally landed back in the present day, in our offices. The fighters squared off in our offices, and these battles were close. On one side, France and Sizemore were locked in a battle of Golden Locks - the flowing battle shield of France going against the Extra tight perm of Ted. No stylist could decide this victory. It would come down to a final move, one that seemed impossible. France leapt into the air, his legs at 90 degree angles, his heart in his fist and his fist in Ted's smile. Allright.
On the other side, the youthful Farrar was delivering a series of punches that bended with much more movement than the Farrar of today. Much more. And that was impossible for the veteran Garbe to attack.
Ryan "The Closer" Farrar emerged with a 16-13 victory over Bill. And Jeff "I See London, I See" France escaped with a 15-14 victory over Ted. The UFC will not see a Bill & Ted sequel. They forgot to do the history assignment for Robert and this instead fell into the laps of our interns. Geez.
Farrar advances to meet #8 Dan "PEBKAC" Jundt.
France advances to meet the winner of today's matchup:
Unseeded Wes "Padre del Pato" Lukash vs. #10 Becky "Two Turntables and a Microphone" Shaw
Hit Reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
Sunday, August 19, 2007
improbable matchup is the best in ufc history
I've seen many a fight in my Rawlings UFC career. But nothing at all like this epic, two-day battle known as Tomaszewski-Jundt. Expect to see a rematch. This was a downright nasty battle....
Tomaszewski had spent the days since his dismantling of Debbie Hudgens growing out his sideburns (they are now down to a level 4) and intimidating his future opponents - trust me 6 seed Jason "El Matador" Voorhees knows there are now no boundaries in love and war. The increase in sideburn length caused the UFC governing body to raise the crisis level to level Taco. Just enough to make you sweat. And enough to let those who weren't fighting that danger lurked in the form of a Chicago-trained Southside Bomber known as Bob "Windy City Shocker" Tomaszewski.
Bob arrived at work on Thursday in plenty of time to do a series of pushups near the elevators. It gets the muscles extra ready and also earns a few extra votes on the second floor while serving as a warning to the first floor. He would do one push up, launch himself in the air, look for his prey, clap his hands in mid air, and continue. This was like some crazy boot camp and frightened Jundt when he arrived, still clad in his Spandex biking outfit (he wanted people to remember that he bikes). Tomahawk led 3-0. Then Jundt snapped his biking outfit strap into his own arm, demonstrating a combination of mental toughness, craziness, and a willingness to inflict pain on pretty much anyone. The snap of the spandex knotted the score at 3.
These two refused to get into a fight, preferring to snap and clap their way through the day although Tomaszewski did end the day with a rather loud grunt, giving him a slight edge. At the end of one day of fighting, Tomaszewski led 7-6.
DING. Round 2 began, and that ding was also the sound of Bob's computer apparently crashing. He called support. MIS loved this - a sign of weakness. What #1 seed needs help? Suzyn talked gentlely to Bob, signalling to Jundt that Bob was now in his cube. Bob was asked for to remain patient while someone came down to reboot his system. But little did he know this rebooting would actually result in Dan "PEBKAC" Jundt delivering a complete system refresh to Bob. This is a very painful technique that started by cleaning Bob's cache and then downloading a new operating system known as Jundt 2.0. Jundt 2.0 is a powerful tool that few understand, and has been known to crash many who tried. This installation concluded with a synch all of Dan's battle moves onto Bob's memory - delivered in a series of painful back strikes that resulted in Bob being deposited into the computer hospital. Jundt led 16-8.
Bob got up, angry. He began to rant at levels not seen by anyone this side of Washington. And when bob rants, people move. Bob began to pick up any MIS associate he could find, leaving a pile of employees, computers, and files on the ground of Jundt's cubicle. The battle raged on, now tied at 16.
Tomaszewski flexed, ripping a button from his shirt. He moved ahead 19-16..
Jundt flexed, expanding his spandex bike suit just enough. The score tied at 19.
Tomaszewski climbed to the top of the cubicle wall, quickly calculated a forecast, and then delivered this forecast on schedule, on target, and onto the waiting head of Dan in the form of a Tomahawk Leg Chop. He led 25-21. Impossibly, Jundt retailiated, delivering a head but followed by a cackle, again tying the score at 25.
All this fighting had Bob winded. He sat for a moment to relax. Jundt sat as well. Then, in a move unexpected by most (but not all) UFC fighters, Bob leapt into Dan's lap, delivering a motorboat of pain into Jundt's head. Tomaszewski took a 29-25 lead. And, in an equally improbable move, Jundt reached behind his chair, and in one motion, dumped his chair to the ground, elevating Bob in mid air, grabbed both of Bob's legs and put him in a reverse wheel barrow carry before driving both bodies into the ground.
30-29.
Only one man was able to get up.
But who?
Improbably, it was #8 Dan "PEBKAC" Jundt. He advances to meet the winner of today's first matchup (Garbe vs Farrar) on 9/6...
Up today, Double Dose Monday:
Appetizer: #13 Bill "WoW" Garbe vs. #5 Ryan "The Closer" Farrar
Main Dish: #3 Jeff "I see London, I see" France vs. #11Ted "Teddy Ballgamer" Sizemore
hit reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
and, no matter what you hear is cool, don't play with fire. it just ain't.
Tomaszewski had spent the days since his dismantling of Debbie Hudgens growing out his sideburns (they are now down to a level 4) and intimidating his future opponents - trust me 6 seed Jason "El Matador" Voorhees knows there are now no boundaries in love and war. The increase in sideburn length caused the UFC governing body to raise the crisis level to level Taco. Just enough to make you sweat. And enough to let those who weren't fighting that danger lurked in the form of a Chicago-trained Southside Bomber known as Bob "Windy City Shocker" Tomaszewski.
Bob arrived at work on Thursday in plenty of time to do a series of pushups near the elevators. It gets the muscles extra ready and also earns a few extra votes on the second floor while serving as a warning to the first floor. He would do one push up, launch himself in the air, look for his prey, clap his hands in mid air, and continue. This was like some crazy boot camp and frightened Jundt when he arrived, still clad in his Spandex biking outfit (he wanted people to remember that he bikes). Tomahawk led 3-0. Then Jundt snapped his biking outfit strap into his own arm, demonstrating a combination of mental toughness, craziness, and a willingness to inflict pain on pretty much anyone. The snap of the spandex knotted the score at 3.
These two refused to get into a fight, preferring to snap and clap their way through the day although Tomaszewski did end the day with a rather loud grunt, giving him a slight edge. At the end of one day of fighting, Tomaszewski led 7-6.
DING. Round 2 began, and that ding was also the sound of Bob's computer apparently crashing. He called support. MIS loved this - a sign of weakness. What #1 seed needs help? Suzyn talked gentlely to Bob, signalling to Jundt that Bob was now in his cube. Bob was asked for to remain patient while someone came down to reboot his system. But little did he know this rebooting would actually result in Dan "PEBKAC" Jundt delivering a complete system refresh to Bob. This is a very painful technique that started by cleaning Bob's cache and then downloading a new operating system known as Jundt 2.0. Jundt 2.0 is a powerful tool that few understand, and has been known to crash many who tried. This installation concluded with a synch all of Dan's battle moves onto Bob's memory - delivered in a series of painful back strikes that resulted in Bob being deposited into the computer hospital. Jundt led 16-8.
Bob got up, angry. He began to rant at levels not seen by anyone this side of Washington. And when bob rants, people move. Bob began to pick up any MIS associate he could find, leaving a pile of employees, computers, and files on the ground of Jundt's cubicle. The battle raged on, now tied at 16.
Tomaszewski flexed, ripping a button from his shirt. He moved ahead 19-16..
Jundt flexed, expanding his spandex bike suit just enough. The score tied at 19.
Tomaszewski climbed to the top of the cubicle wall, quickly calculated a forecast, and then delivered this forecast on schedule, on target, and onto the waiting head of Dan in the form of a Tomahawk Leg Chop. He led 25-21. Impossibly, Jundt retailiated, delivering a head but followed by a cackle, again tying the score at 25.
All this fighting had Bob winded. He sat for a moment to relax. Jundt sat as well. Then, in a move unexpected by most (but not all) UFC fighters, Bob leapt into Dan's lap, delivering a motorboat of pain into Jundt's head. Tomaszewski took a 29-25 lead. And, in an equally improbable move, Jundt reached behind his chair, and in one motion, dumped his chair to the ground, elevating Bob in mid air, grabbed both of Bob's legs and put him in a reverse wheel barrow carry before driving both bodies into the ground.
30-29.
Only one man was able to get up.
But who?
Improbably, it was #8 Dan "PEBKAC" Jundt. He advances to meet the winner of today's first matchup (Garbe vs Farrar) on 9/6...
Up today, Double Dose Monday:
Appetizer: #13 Bill "WoW" Garbe vs. #5 Ryan "The Closer" Farrar
Main Dish: #3 Jeff "I see London, I see" France vs. #11Ted "Teddy Ballgamer" Sizemore
hit reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com
and, no matter what you hear is cool, don't play with fire. it just ain't.
