Foot vs. Dog with an accent

By Guest Writer, Seth Elrod

Here comes another one………the UFC is winding down, but the fights get more mean with each passing day. The fighters can taste the championship fight and are willing to do anything to make it to the finals. There was proof of this in yesterday’s UFC battle between #1 Ranked Ron “Foot of Fury” Kappauff and #3 Ranked Travis “British Bulldog” Gessley.

Again the fight started right on time and again both fighters brought their A game and again both came dressed…unlike that other time (you remember Dorsey, you were there). The difference in this fight was the series of predetermined games, best described as the “Office-Olympics” set up by the creator of the Rawlings UFC, Andy “Tower of Mediocrity" (as it turns out, losing to one of the Jeff Frances) Pawlowski.

The first game was called the office-chair-rodeo where each contestant would see how many times they could twirl around in an office chair in one minute. Travis was the first one up. He jumped in, strapped on the seatbelt made out of rubber bands from the mailroom (don’t tell JoAnn). He spun a miraculous 46 turns in one minute. Next was the Foot of Fury, Ol’ Ronny-boy. He strapped in and spun around 49 times because, well, he’s good at everything. Ron’s up 1-0 over Travis, but unfortunately he blew chunks all over giving Travis a point to tie it up at 1 each.

All of the sudden, new Worth Intern Greg “the poor-man's Dave Bommarito” Ladd entered the scene. He explained that he had gained many skills while at SEMO and one of them happened to be the next event, “Art-Request Origami.” Turns out Greg was right and made a killer paper swan. Travis and Ron both made paper planes that sucked. Score tied up across the board 1-1-1, but then Ron and Travis killed Greg and put him through the paper shredder. Looks like he’s not getting credit for this internship. (Rumor has it that a ghost of Greg can be seen every Monday through Wednesday in the Worth Area.)

It was at this point that Ron realized how much fun they were having killing an innocent third party and decided to use this to his advantage. Ron started, “Hey Travis, Knock, knock.” Travis said, “Who’s there?” Ron said “Ron, and I’m gonna make a football out of your skin!!” (Yes, lame but effective) Ron grabbed an exacto-knife from the graphics dept. and started to cut Travis…..Point Ron!! Travis seemed to be unaffected and slammed a basketball over Ron’s head like one of those Halloween b-balls with the eyes cut out. Ron and Travis are tied up at 2.

From there, they completely ignored the good clean games Andy had set-up and actually continued to fight. Andy pouted like a little baby and reportedly caught a plane to Sunny California to start a new life and a new UFC with his new friends. It was easy for him to make friends because he told them he was the newest player on the L.A. Sparks named “Mandy Pawlowski.” Meanwhile, Travis and Ron continued to wrestle around eventually coming to a score of 5-4-1, Travis had the lead.

This was all the lead Travis needed. He went crazy, jumping around like a monkey and yelling like a screech owl. He started yelling over and over again, “the monster-truck is going to getcha!” making a growling sound while he acted like he was steering a truck. Travis hit the ground and did the steamroll maneuver over Ron. At first it was the old-fashioned steam roll maneuver where Travis humanly rolled over Ron while Ron giggled, but then it got ugly. Travis had hijacked an actual steamroller on the way to work and Ran over the Foot of Fury, starting with the Foot…..and ending with Fury???

Travis flattened out Ron to an eleven foot smear of the person that was once Ron. One point was awarded for each foot of smear giving Travis the win with a score of 16-5-1 over Ron and the once alive intern. Travis is the winner of the Product Kings and has proved to not be a big sissy girl, despite the rumors around the office started by opposing glove manager Scott Keene, not to mention any names.

Before Travis got off the machine he rolled over a cow to get some new leather for next years gloves. He then ran over a deer for the palm pad. Then he ran over a pig for the really low priced consumer. He then ran over apples to make his own fruit-roll-ups for lunch. Go ahead and say it, “Delicious.”

Next up: #6 Denny “Big Freakin’ Sexy” Whiteside vs. (Reentered) Bruce “Bruce” Dickmann