And Then There Were 4....

By Guest Writer Seth Elrod

Now gather around children, have a seat, and let me tell you a story. It’s a story about two men; they were great warriors who fought for their lives in a historic battle called the Rawlings UFC. One of the brave men, Denny “Big Sexy” Whiteside, came into the battle undefeated and the other, Bruce “Bruce” Dickmann, made an amazing comeback after losing a heart-breaker in an earlier round. Now, get comfortable and let me tell you the tale…….Timmy, quit picking on Jeffrey!!

It was a bright, sunny, pleasant morning many, many day ago. (That’s right, I said day…not days. Thanks to those who caught the subtleness.) The two warriors came to work ready to rumble, and the innocent spectators were excited to see a good ol’ fashion beat down.

“Big Nasty Huge freakin’ Sexy” Whiteside made the first move. He yelled to Bruce, “Hey, whats that?” and pointed to the left. Bruce foolishly looked that way so Denny pulled back his right fist with such force and then quickly started to move it back towards Bruce. The crowd covered their eyes knowing what was coming, but to everyone’s surprise Denny didn’t hit him. He just gave him the wettest willy anyone had ever seen. It actually made Bruce’s eyes water and those weren’t tears that was extra spit from Sexy’s finger. Denny’s up 3-0 early.

Out of nowhere yesterday’s champ entered the battle and tipped both Bruce and Sexy in the bikini region. Shady move, but man is that funny. Travis gains a point, but quickly retreats to the little boy’s room. No one followed to get a follow up report, but we’ll keep you posted if we hear something.

Bruce and Whiteside (has anyone ever seen what color his other side is??) went at it for what seemed like forever (like a day spent counting inventory in Washington). There was yelling, screaming, crying, laughing (with one of them screeching, “that’s my tickley spot” and the other one saying “I’m not even touching you.” There was spitting, scratching, hair-pulling, belly rubbing, synchronized dance routines, punching, panting, silence…………………Was someone defeated? No, Denny had just shoved his socks into Bruce’s mouth. (icky, I know) Denny was up 9-6-1 over Bruce and T-Rav respectively.

Carol Mark suddenly ran into the ring and grabbed the socks out of Bruce’s mouth and shoved them into her own. When asked about it Carol was quoted as saying, “MMMmmm, mmmmm. Ummumm, hhmmm, mmmmm, mm, umm.” That’s some serious trash talk which earned her a point. Thank you Carol for that…..

There was a royal rumble for about a minute longer. (Both had decided that they needed to get back to work and wanted to get this out of the way.) The match ended with Big Sexy turning into Big Sweaty after he dropped a sweaty ‘bow on Bruce. Denny won the fight 12-9-1-1 over Bruce “Bruce”, Carol “that’ll leave a” Mark, and Travis “Puppy Chow” Gessley.

The final 4 is set. The four fighting fighters framed to fight another final filthy fight are:

- Wendy “the Nasty Newlywed” aka “Newlywed Knock-out” aka “I’m the best looking fighter left in the UFC….by far” Mathis

- Denny “Big Sexy” aka “Big Sweaty” aka “Glove Love” aka “the Bearded Wonder” Whiteside

- Jeff "Psycho Frantic" aka “White walls” aka “K-Swiss Killa” aka “Pearl” aka “Freedom Fries” France

- Travis “British Bulldog” aka “Lady Liberty” aka “Big Truck Driver” aka “Worth’s last chance” Gessley

There are no fights today because of the inventory layoff, so rest up and enjoy your time off. Its been long season, but its just now starting to heat up……