UFC - Fish Fight

(Guest writer: Seth Elrod)

Mondays match between #2 Scott “Big Tuna“ Siebers and #7 David “Zoomy” Zumbach was the closest match to date in the Rawlings UFC. You should be biting your nails before this one even starts. In a fight like this, its who trained the hardest, not who wears the tightest shorts.

As usual the match started right on time with surprisingly a smaller crowd on hand than usual, but Zoomy appeared more prepared, probably by taking advantage of the complementary ___________ bike parking. Before the match even started David was heard saying, “The training wheels are off now punk” to Scott. Then David strapped on his helmet and gave Scott a flying head-butt, quickly giving the Zoomster an early 2-0 lead.

All the sudden, a flash of white appeared out of nowhere and knocked both opponents to their knees. No one was sure what this flash was, but they new it wasn’t good. 2 points were awarded to the unidentified light. Scott found himself down by 2 to the white light and Zoomy.

Since David was still on the ground, Scott saw this as his opportunity to get some quality flex time in. He ripped of his shirt and started Arnold Schwarzeneggering it in the mirror, mesmerizing Zoomy-Zoomy with his bouncing pec’s. Scott pulled out a can of Dew and hurled it at Zoomy, hitting him right in the grill. Zoomy had seen this move before and mumbled, “Same Dew, New View.” Score tied up across the board, 2-2-2 (David-Scott-Flash of Light).

Once again the Flash of white appeared. It galloped in like a beautiful while stallion, mane flowing in the wind with such grace that all in attendance stopped to admire the beautiful sight. What was this most graceful creature? It was Jeff France. (Actually the top half was Jeff and the bottom was that of a horse, but those were not horse shoes. These were some kickin’ white K-Swisses…..doubled knotted.) France kicked both “Big Tuna” and “Zoomy” in the face, fully connecting with Scott, but only grazing Zoomy. France then rode off into the rising sun light to the west…and then got stuck in traffic from Maryville Center to Mason Rd, but then got going again. France takes the lead 3.5 - 2.5 - 2 over David and Scott respectively.

Scott decided that if any beautiful creature would win, it would be him. In the confusion, Scott quickly put on a hair net and asked David if he would like a nice big helping of Tuna Surprise. David unfortunately responded with, “yes.” The crowd knew he had made a mistake. “Big Tuna” unscrewed the Bike pegs off David’s sweet ride and stuck them both into David’s ears, grabbed a small battery from his man-scaping shaver and ran a bolt of energy through David, burning the hairs on his soul-patch. 2 points awarded to Scott. Score 4 – 2.5 – 3.5 (Scott – David – France)

With still some game to go, in one last attempt to regain a lead or at least some pride, David imagined he was back in college. He got up in a daze, got in his stance, made pretend eye contact with a pretend quarterback and ran one last route. Unfortunately, the pretend quarterback must have called for a post, because David ran as hard as he could into the pole in the graphics area and collapsed. The Ref. awarded David with 1 mercy point, but it was not enough to hook the Big Tuna. Scott wins 4 – 3.5 – 3.5 over Zoomy and France.

Scott then stole David’s shoes and his bike. Low blow, but what could he do?

Up Next:

Dennis "Bat Man" Turner vs. Kate "El Conquistador" Ranzini

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