The new Rawlings Group Tech Center Dojo prepared for the first of two R&D slugfests on Thursday morning. And Curtis "Bambi" Cruz didn't know what was coming.
Perhaps he should have looked to the scouting report on Big Sexy... This came in from R&D newcomer Greg Williams, who recently spent several long nights sharing a room with Whiteside. "Sometimes I just lied in bed with my eyes open, out of fear really. The sounds that came out of Whiteside weren't natural. There was a certain hunger, a certain crazy energy that I didn't want to experience. It was like he'd swallowed his own Harley."
What Williams was referring to, without realizing it, was what is known in St Charles as the Big Sexy Shimmy. And Denny let it loose tonight.
Curtis entered the dojo early, laced up his black belt, and waited. As Denny entered the dojo, Cruz delivered an impressive bicycling summersault to the midsection -- landing a nice safe distance away from the backpeddling Big Sexy. Let me tell you, that's a tough blow to take so early in the morning -- and a 1-0 lead for Cruz. The two traded high-powered jabs for awhile. (this was done R&D style, with Dennis Turner around measuring their swing speeds). This brought us to a 2-2 draw. Suddenly, the doors to the tech center flew open and Carol "Off the" Mark stood with her back calmly lit by the rising sun. She walked in quickly and began to poke around at the two warriors, sizing them up -- obviously trying to determine which side was more worthy of her support. At that she lifted the stack of envelopes she was carrying and delivered a painful and odd smack to the face of Cruz. She smiled, playfully, at Big Sexy and took off.
Big Sexy is known for taking any opening and running with it. And this time he really caught Cruz off guard. For those of you not 'in the know', Curtis was/is a huge fan of the Wonder Years. And Whiteside is ALWAYS in the know. He sped off quickly, diving behind the temporary R&D changing screens. When he emerged, he stood front and center before Cruz dressed head to toe as Winnie Cooper.
Curtis' heart began to flutter rather quickly. It hadn't pounded like this since the episode when Kevin and Winnie enter high school and go their separate ways. He stared, pondering, at Whiteside his mind doing a virtual slideshow of his past. Denny began to move in - as if for that peck on the cheek. But what came through was no peck.
Whiteside delivered a thump on the back of Cruz's head, sending his head down into the body of Big Sexy. That's when the music started. Whiteside began to shake and shimmy in what is known to many as a victory dance, to Cruz as pure pain, and to Greg Williams as yet another reason to stay awake. Meanwhile Cruz remained in his stuppor. He seemed to emerge for a second - but could only manage a smile (worth giving him half a point I guess). Whiteside romped to a 10.5 - 3.5 victory.
It was another Big Sexy Lovefest -- 10.5 - 3.5 - 1 over Cruz and Mark. Whiteside advances to meet the final entrant into our Sweet 16: The next matchup:
#2 Brian "Gentle Giant" Hoying versus #3 Art "Clubber Wang" Chou
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
If an intern gets smacked in the woods, would anyone hear it?
A UFC thank you to Seth "Purple Nurple" Elrod for his help in keeping the updates flowing while I was out (training of course).
Now on to the battle, which many thought had the potential to be the battle of the century. And for #12 Jim "Silent Assassin" O'Connor, that is saying something as he has been fighting for well over a century -- giving him an immediate and palpable edge over #4 Ryan "MoBap Mystery" Farrar.
First came the long, uncomfortable stare. O'Connor stood outside the cube temporarily re-occupied by Farrar, with a large cup of coffee in his right hand.
But just before the fight could begin, El Conquistador, Kate Ranzini arrived, taking a temporary break from pillaging Dennis Turner's cube. She came by the staging ground, rolled up her sleeves, and let out a howl as she flexed her biceps one by one -- revealing a new set of tatoos that would make Voorhees blush. She pointed at the two combatants and yelled "Who's Next?" before leaving to deadly silence. (She was obviously preparing to meet the winner of this battle, while also mocking Turner's famous Asylum video)
The yelling did not faze O'Connor -- meaning either he is that tough or he is that deaf. But either way he went right in, gently set down his cup of coffee, and cranked up the volume on Farrar. It all began gently enough. O'Connor began by gently patting Farrar on the head, much in the way a father might pat the head of his son. But then it got nasty. O'Connor grabbed Farrar's ear and (with a delicate 180 degree rotation of the wrist), twisted Farrar to the ground in an odd mix of pain and confusion.
Please note the brut strength and ease at which the Assassin calmly went to work. He held Farrar in check with one hand, while having a sip of his coffee with the other. He roared to a 10-1 lead.
But suddenly he had to let go. A flash of blinding white light screamed by, hair blowing in his self-created wind. The feet moved so fast it is tough to say what knocked things loose, but rumors have it there are now two fighters with K Swiss logos on their foreheads. Jeff France was gone as quickly as he appeared.
Upon resuming battle, Farrar tried to take his shot, working from the stretch to deliver a quick smack towards the face of O'Connor. But the key word is towards. O'Connor's skin is tougher to pierce than HOH leather, and he quickly dodged the attack with a 13-3 advantage. He caught Farrar's hand in mid-swing, spun him like a top, and delivered his final shot - a combination spider kick - and winning with a 15-3-1-1 victory over Ranzini and France (and Farrar).
O'Connor meets Kate "El Conquistador" Ranzini in an epic battle in the Sweet 16.
Up next:
#3 Curtis "Bambi" Cruz vs #6 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
Now on to the battle, which many thought had the potential to be the battle of the century. And for #12 Jim "Silent Assassin" O'Connor, that is saying something as he has been fighting for well over a century -- giving him an immediate and palpable edge over #4 Ryan "MoBap Mystery" Farrar.
First came the long, uncomfortable stare. O'Connor stood outside the cube temporarily re-occupied by Farrar, with a large cup of coffee in his right hand.
But just before the fight could begin, El Conquistador, Kate Ranzini arrived, taking a temporary break from pillaging Dennis Turner's cube. She came by the staging ground, rolled up her sleeves, and let out a howl as she flexed her biceps one by one -- revealing a new set of tatoos that would make Voorhees blush. She pointed at the two combatants and yelled "Who's Next?" before leaving to deadly silence. (She was obviously preparing to meet the winner of this battle, while also mocking Turner's famous Asylum video)
The yelling did not faze O'Connor -- meaning either he is that tough or he is that deaf. But either way he went right in, gently set down his cup of coffee, and cranked up the volume on Farrar. It all began gently enough. O'Connor began by gently patting Farrar on the head, much in the way a father might pat the head of his son. But then it got nasty. O'Connor grabbed Farrar's ear and (with a delicate 180 degree rotation of the wrist), twisted Farrar to the ground in an odd mix of pain and confusion.
Please note the brut strength and ease at which the Assassin calmly went to work. He held Farrar in check with one hand, while having a sip of his coffee with the other. He roared to a 10-1 lead.
But suddenly he had to let go. A flash of blinding white light screamed by, hair blowing in his self-created wind. The feet moved so fast it is tough to say what knocked things loose, but rumors have it there are now two fighters with K Swiss logos on their foreheads. Jeff France was gone as quickly as he appeared.
Upon resuming battle, Farrar tried to take his shot, working from the stretch to deliver a quick smack towards the face of O'Connor. But the key word is towards. O'Connor's skin is tougher to pierce than HOH leather, and he quickly dodged the attack with a 13-3 advantage. He caught Farrar's hand in mid-swing, spun him like a top, and delivered his final shot - a combination spider kick - and winning with a 15-3-1-1 victory over Ranzini and France (and Farrar).
O'Connor meets Kate "El Conquistador" Ranzini in an epic battle in the Sweet 16.
Up next:
#3 Curtis "Bambi" Cruz vs #6 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
UFC - Would El Conquistador leave the Bat Man hanging?
(Guest Writer: Seth Elrod)
Allow me to set the scene: It was one of those mornings when you wish you never would have gotten out of bed. The Maryville baseball field felt colder than usual with a gentle mist that was just annoying enough to make the spectators of yesterday’s UFC match pull out their umbrellas. It was getting lighter, but the sun was not showing. There was tension surrounding everyone in attendance…..especially the fighters, Dennis "Bat Man" Turner and Kate "El Conquistador" Ranzini.
The match started out slowly, but then awoke the crowd. Dennis had asked that Kate throw him some pitches before things really got heated to entertain the crowd. (“I’m more than a softball player, I’m an entertainer…”) Kate picked up one of the softballs and threw it at him. “HA! Take that DT.” (Here the crowd started to BOOOOOOO b/c they knew Kate was way too nice for a real fight.) This was all a front b/c as soon as Bat Man stepped back into the batter’s box, it was on. Kate picked up the whole trash can of balls and chucked it at him with the strength of a lumber jack. Dennis got knocked out, the end.
Just kidding, that’s just the start. Kate was up 4-0 with that move though. Bat Man rushed the mound, but he didn’t really do it with that much intimidation b/c he rode his bat there like a “horsey,” in his words, galloping and smacking his own hind end. He beat Kate over the head and pounded her into the ground like a cartoon. Dennis gained a point, but still down 4-1.
From there the match was back and forth like a ping-pong game. The crowd was blinded to what was actually going on in the fight b/c there was too much dust from the scuffle. They were separated and counted scars, Kate was up 9-5…….HOLY MOLY, make that 11-5, she just stuck an ice-pick in Dennis’s knee. This was low, where did that come from? Wow. That hurts.
Limping and bruised (and probably hung over, you know how he drinks….) Dennis was crying like a little baby girl.
Bat Man pulled out his batting glove and slapped Kate with it. 1 point gained by DT. Judges weren’t going to give it to him b/c it was sooooo lame, but he was down and they felt sorry for him. Score 11-6, Kate’s still up.
They again traded punches, going back and forth getting to a score of 16-8. This fight was a marathon, not a sprint. It was at this point that the crowd started the slow chant, “El-Con-quist-a-dor, El-Con-quist-a-dor,” which is not an easy chant. With the strength of the crowd, Kate picked up Bat Man and repeatedly gave him atomic wedgies and noogies and Indian burn to the arm and rear admirals and that trick where Kate pointed 2 fingers at DT and he put his hand up sideways in front of his face and Kate smashed his own hand into his face. (all oldies, but goodies) The score now 24-8 in Kate’s favor.
Dennis appeared to be out cold. Out of nowhere, J2 started yelling, “Donkey, Donkey!!!!” DT was obviously re-energized with this support b/c you should have seen him run. He did like the hands waving over the head, feet flailing, high pitched scream run off the field. They gave him a point for this too b/c it was sooooo unbelievably sad to see this huge guy run like such a child. Final score 24-9, Kate wins!!!
Dennis was not available to comment since he ran, but did send out an interesting (but waaaaaay too late, ok, only a day late, but still not very timely) email this morning, I guess rallying support for next year?
Oh, and then Andy stepped out from behind the foul pole where he was hiding. What? Just letting you know where he’s been.
Next up:
#4 Ryan “MoBap Mystery” Farrar vs. #12 Jim "Silent Assassin" O'Connor
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Allow me to set the scene: It was one of those mornings when you wish you never would have gotten out of bed. The Maryville baseball field felt colder than usual with a gentle mist that was just annoying enough to make the spectators of yesterday’s UFC match pull out their umbrellas. It was getting lighter, but the sun was not showing. There was tension surrounding everyone in attendance…..especially the fighters, Dennis "Bat Man" Turner and Kate "El Conquistador" Ranzini.
The match started out slowly, but then awoke the crowd. Dennis had asked that Kate throw him some pitches before things really got heated to entertain the crowd. (“I’m more than a softball player, I’m an entertainer…”) Kate picked up one of the softballs and threw it at him. “HA! Take that DT.” (Here the crowd started to BOOOOOOO b/c they knew Kate was way too nice for a real fight.) This was all a front b/c as soon as Bat Man stepped back into the batter’s box, it was on. Kate picked up the whole trash can of balls and chucked it at him with the strength of a lumber jack. Dennis got knocked out, the end.
Just kidding, that’s just the start. Kate was up 4-0 with that move though. Bat Man rushed the mound, but he didn’t really do it with that much intimidation b/c he rode his bat there like a “horsey,” in his words, galloping and smacking his own hind end. He beat Kate over the head and pounded her into the ground like a cartoon. Dennis gained a point, but still down 4-1.
From there the match was back and forth like a ping-pong game. The crowd was blinded to what was actually going on in the fight b/c there was too much dust from the scuffle. They were separated and counted scars, Kate was up 9-5…….HOLY MOLY, make that 11-5, she just stuck an ice-pick in Dennis’s knee. This was low, where did that come from? Wow. That hurts.
Limping and bruised (and probably hung over, you know how he drinks….) Dennis was crying like a little baby girl.
Bat Man pulled out his batting glove and slapped Kate with it. 1 point gained by DT. Judges weren’t going to give it to him b/c it was sooooo lame, but he was down and they felt sorry for him. Score 11-6, Kate’s still up.
They again traded punches, going back and forth getting to a score of 16-8. This fight was a marathon, not a sprint. It was at this point that the crowd started the slow chant, “El-Con-quist-a-dor, El-Con-quist-a-dor,” which is not an easy chant. With the strength of the crowd, Kate picked up Bat Man and repeatedly gave him atomic wedgies and noogies and Indian burn to the arm and rear admirals and that trick where Kate pointed 2 fingers at DT and he put his hand up sideways in front of his face and Kate smashed his own hand into his face. (all oldies, but goodies) The score now 24-8 in Kate’s favor.
Dennis appeared to be out cold. Out of nowhere, J2 started yelling, “Donkey, Donkey!!!!” DT was obviously re-energized with this support b/c you should have seen him run. He did like the hands waving over the head, feet flailing, high pitched scream run off the field. They gave him a point for this too b/c it was sooooo unbelievably sad to see this huge guy run like such a child. Final score 24-9, Kate wins!!!
Dennis was not available to comment since he ran, but did send out an interesting (but waaaaaay too late, ok, only a day late, but still not very timely) email this morning, I guess rallying support for next year?
Oh, and then Andy stepped out from behind the foul pole where he was hiding. What? Just letting you know where he’s been.
Next up:
#4 Ryan “MoBap Mystery” Farrar vs. #12 Jim "Silent Assassin" O'Connor
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
UFC - Fish Fight
(Guest writer: Seth Elrod)
Mondays match between #2 Scott “Big Tuna“ Siebers and #7 David “Zoomy” Zumbach was the closest match to date in the Rawlings UFC. You should be biting your nails before this one even starts. In a fight like this, its who trained the hardest, not who wears the tightest shorts.
As usual the match started right on time with surprisingly a smaller crowd on hand than usual, but Zoomy appeared more prepared, probably by taking advantage of the complementary ___________ bike parking. Before the match even started David was heard saying, “The training wheels are off now punk” to Scott. Then David strapped on his helmet and gave Scott a flying head-butt, quickly giving the Zoomster an early 2-0 lead.
All the sudden, a flash of white appeared out of nowhere and knocked both opponents to their knees. No one was sure what this flash was, but they new it wasn’t good. 2 points were awarded to the unidentified light. Scott found himself down by 2 to the white light and Zoomy.
Since David was still on the ground, Scott saw this as his opportunity to get some quality flex time in. He ripped of his shirt and started Arnold Schwarzeneggering it in the mirror, mesmerizing Zoomy-Zoomy with his bouncing pec’s. Scott pulled out a can of Dew and hurled it at Zoomy, hitting him right in the grill. Zoomy had seen this move before and mumbled, “Same Dew, New View.” Score tied up across the board, 2-2-2 (David-Scott-Flash of Light).
Once again the Flash of white appeared. It galloped in like a beautiful while stallion, mane flowing in the wind with such grace that all in attendance stopped to admire the beautiful sight. What was this most graceful creature? It was Jeff France. (Actually the top half was Jeff and the bottom was that of a horse, but those were not horse shoes. These were some kickin’ white K-Swisses…..doubled knotted.) France kicked both “Big Tuna” and “Zoomy” in the face, fully connecting with Scott, but only grazing Zoomy. France then rode off into the rising sun light to the west…and then got stuck in traffic from Maryville Center to Mason Rd, but then got going again. France takes the lead 3.5 - 2.5 - 2 over David and Scott respectively.
Scott decided that if any beautiful creature would win, it would be him. In the confusion, Scott quickly put on a hair net and asked David if he would like a nice big helping of Tuna Surprise. David unfortunately responded with, “yes.” The crowd knew he had made a mistake. “Big Tuna” unscrewed the Bike pegs off David’s sweet ride and stuck them both into David’s ears, grabbed a small battery from his man-scaping shaver and ran a bolt of energy through David, burning the hairs on his soul-patch. 2 points awarded to Scott. Score 4 – 2.5 – 3.5 (Scott – David – France)
With still some game to go, in one last attempt to regain a lead or at least some pride, David imagined he was back in college. He got up in a daze, got in his stance, made pretend eye contact with a pretend quarterback and ran one last route. Unfortunately, the pretend quarterback must have called for a post, because David ran as hard as he could into the pole in the graphics area and collapsed. The Ref. awarded David with 1 mercy point, but it was not enough to hook the Big Tuna. Scott wins 4 – 3.5 – 3.5 over Zoomy and France.
Scott then stole David’s shoes and his bike. Low blow, but what could he do?
Up Next:
Dennis "Bat Man" Turner vs. Kate "El Conquistador" Ranzini
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Mondays match between #2 Scott “Big Tuna“ Siebers and #7 David “Zoomy” Zumbach was the closest match to date in the Rawlings UFC. You should be biting your nails before this one even starts. In a fight like this, its who trained the hardest, not who wears the tightest shorts.
As usual the match started right on time with surprisingly a smaller crowd on hand than usual, but Zoomy appeared more prepared, probably by taking advantage of the complementary ___________ bike parking. Before the match even started David was heard saying, “The training wheels are off now punk” to Scott. Then David strapped on his helmet and gave Scott a flying head-butt, quickly giving the Zoomster an early 2-0 lead.
All the sudden, a flash of white appeared out of nowhere and knocked both opponents to their knees. No one was sure what this flash was, but they new it wasn’t good. 2 points were awarded to the unidentified light. Scott found himself down by 2 to the white light and Zoomy.
Since David was still on the ground, Scott saw this as his opportunity to get some quality flex time in. He ripped of his shirt and started Arnold Schwarzeneggering it in the mirror, mesmerizing Zoomy-Zoomy with his bouncing pec’s. Scott pulled out a can of Dew and hurled it at Zoomy, hitting him right in the grill. Zoomy had seen this move before and mumbled, “Same Dew, New View.” Score tied up across the board, 2-2-2 (David-Scott-Flash of Light).
Once again the Flash of white appeared. It galloped in like a beautiful while stallion, mane flowing in the wind with such grace that all in attendance stopped to admire the beautiful sight. What was this most graceful creature? It was Jeff France. (Actually the top half was Jeff and the bottom was that of a horse, but those were not horse shoes. These were some kickin’ white K-Swisses…..doubled knotted.) France kicked both “Big Tuna” and “Zoomy” in the face, fully connecting with Scott, but only grazing Zoomy. France then rode off into the rising sun light to the west…and then got stuck in traffic from Maryville Center to Mason Rd, but then got going again. France takes the lead 3.5 - 2.5 - 2 over David and Scott respectively.
Scott decided that if any beautiful creature would win, it would be him. In the confusion, Scott quickly put on a hair net and asked David if he would like a nice big helping of Tuna Surprise. David unfortunately responded with, “yes.” The crowd knew he had made a mistake. “Big Tuna” unscrewed the Bike pegs off David’s sweet ride and stuck them both into David’s ears, grabbed a small battery from his man-scaping shaver and ran a bolt of energy through David, burning the hairs on his soul-patch. 2 points awarded to Scott. Score 4 – 2.5 – 3.5 (Scott – David – France)
With still some game to go, in one last attempt to regain a lead or at least some pride, David imagined he was back in college. He got up in a daze, got in his stance, made pretend eye contact with a pretend quarterback and ran one last route. Unfortunately, the pretend quarterback must have called for a post, because David ran as hard as he could into the pole in the graphics area and collapsed. The Ref. awarded David with 1 mercy point, but it was not enough to hook the Big Tuna. Scott wins 4 – 3.5 – 3.5 over Zoomy and France.
Scott then stole David’s shoes and his bike. Low blow, but what could he do?
Up Next:
Dennis "Bat Man" Turner vs. Kate "El Conquistador" Ranzini
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Monday, August 28, 2006
UFC - Who will Ron have to Drive home this time??
(Guest writer: Seth Elrod)
Friday’s battle between #11 Dan "The Great Adam" Cullinane and #3 Travis "British Bulldog" Gessley was yet another bone crushing battle amongst a string of strong UFC battles, but who’s bone would be crushed this time? The fight started right on time with both contestants meeting in the agreed upon half-way point in the graphics area. Everything was bubble wrapped, child proofed, and oiled down…..just the way they requested it.
Dan “Adam the Great” arrived early because of his super-human walking speed dressed only in a single fig leaf to cover the important area (leaving his protective equipment at home) and demanded an early 1-0 lead over the Bulldog. Travis new he had brought his leaf blower for a reason that morning and quickly cranked it up and blew Dan away for 3 points to take the lead at 3-1. Things got awkward from there as you can imagine.
Next, Travis figured he would hit Dan where it counts in his one weak spot, so he punched him right in the rib cage, but the joke was on Travis. Dan had come prepared; he had actually broken all of his own ribs before the match and left one strategically poking out of his skin which cut Travis’s hand. 3-3 just like that.
Now, with a name like “British Bulldog,” the spectators didn’t expect to see such an act of patriotism from Gessley, but they were in for a surprise. In what fans would later call “the Liberty,” Travis held one hand in the air, gazed at a Worth catalog in his other hand that was held close to the body and stayed motionless…but he was not frozen with fear. He quickly came alive in a twirly-swirly-wirly motion and gained 6 more points for a 9-3 lead.
In this move, Dan’s pokey rib was sent back into his body puncturing his heart which oozed Rawlings Red. Travis thought Dan was holding his hand over his heart to celebrate his country as well, but he was actually just covering the wound. Travis was busy doing celebratory air-punches when Dan, out of nowhere, gave Travis a smack to the face with his blood covered hand. (Dan then started to mimic the movie Castaway yelling “Wilson, Wiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllson” because Travis had a perfect handprint on his face. Dan then explained, with Ron’s help, why Rawlings volleyballs are superior to the Wilson brand.) Score 9-4, Gessley.
Travis came back with some lame trash talking that went something like, “I’ll call you Wilson”…and then trailed off. Good thing his walk is better than his talk. Travis was angry, I mean really mad, like really mad. He jumped on the table and did a swan dive, then a cannon ball, then a back flip, and then a flying ninja jump kick all of which landed on Dan’s jaw. Travis leads 13-4.
Dan got in 3 more jabs before Travis fed him the forbidden fruit to finish him off. The British Bulldog more than doubles Adam the Great 15-7 in an epic battle.
Travis was not available for comment after the match, it appears that he has cocooned himself in one of his equipment bags so that he could rest until the next battle where he will face the winner of today’s fight. Something about floating like a butterfly...........
Up Next:
#2 Scott “Big Tuna“ Siebers vs. #7 David “Zoomy” Zumbach
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Friday’s battle between #11 Dan "The Great Adam" Cullinane and #3 Travis "British Bulldog" Gessley was yet another bone crushing battle amongst a string of strong UFC battles, but who’s bone would be crushed this time? The fight started right on time with both contestants meeting in the agreed upon half-way point in the graphics area. Everything was bubble wrapped, child proofed, and oiled down…..just the way they requested it.
Dan “Adam the Great” arrived early because of his super-human walking speed dressed only in a single fig leaf to cover the important area (leaving his protective equipment at home) and demanded an early 1-0 lead over the Bulldog. Travis new he had brought his leaf blower for a reason that morning and quickly cranked it up and blew Dan away for 3 points to take the lead at 3-1. Things got awkward from there as you can imagine.
Next, Travis figured he would hit Dan where it counts in his one weak spot, so he punched him right in the rib cage, but the joke was on Travis. Dan had come prepared; he had actually broken all of his own ribs before the match and left one strategically poking out of his skin which cut Travis’s hand. 3-3 just like that.
Now, with a name like “British Bulldog,” the spectators didn’t expect to see such an act of patriotism from Gessley, but they were in for a surprise. In what fans would later call “the Liberty,” Travis held one hand in the air, gazed at a Worth catalog in his other hand that was held close to the body and stayed motionless…but he was not frozen with fear. He quickly came alive in a twirly-swirly-wirly motion and gained 6 more points for a 9-3 lead.
In this move, Dan’s pokey rib was sent back into his body puncturing his heart which oozed Rawlings Red. Travis thought Dan was holding his hand over his heart to celebrate his country as well, but he was actually just covering the wound. Travis was busy doing celebratory air-punches when Dan, out of nowhere, gave Travis a smack to the face with his blood covered hand. (Dan then started to mimic the movie Castaway yelling “Wilson, Wiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllson” because Travis had a perfect handprint on his face. Dan then explained, with Ron’s help, why Rawlings volleyballs are superior to the Wilson brand.) Score 9-4, Gessley.
Travis came back with some lame trash talking that went something like, “I’ll call you Wilson”…and then trailed off. Good thing his walk is better than his talk. Travis was angry, I mean really mad, like really mad. He jumped on the table and did a swan dive, then a cannon ball, then a back flip, and then a flying ninja jump kick all of which landed on Dan’s jaw. Travis leads 13-4.
Dan got in 3 more jabs before Travis fed him the forbidden fruit to finish him off. The British Bulldog more than doubles Adam the Great 15-7 in an epic battle.
Travis was not available for comment after the match, it appears that he has cocooned himself in one of his equipment bags so that he could rest until the next battle where he will face the winner of today’s fight. Something about floating like a butterfly...........
Up Next:
#2 Scott “Big Tuna“ Siebers vs. #7 David “Zoomy” Zumbach
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Force Meets Fashion
Wow. This is a great matchup on paper. I'll start this off with the scouting reports available via the UFC database (located somewhere on Lotus Notes, I think) regarding our two combatants.
#4 Tim "Weekend Warrior" Lord - Don't mess with him the first weekend of each month and 2 weeks out of the year, but vulnerable when not on military duty. Has military skills, not afraid to use them, but primarily joined the military for the college signing bonus and the GI Bill so skills are suspect. 20 years of training at his side, but retirement is in the near future. Will this Fight be an early retirement? Not so fast, he is not afraid to pull out a softball bat out of the bag, unfortunately Worth bats have been known to dent. Lord is also not afraid to fight dirty, and is willing to do anything whether his opponent is prepared or not. He gets in early. And keeps his war room clean as a whistle.
#5 Derek "Zoolander" Speicher - Loves to work the runway to his advantage. Debuts a new move each week - with the Magnum proving deadly in a tight victory over Ron Hilson. Can be distracted by pretty objects. Known to be extra friendly to the 'little people', who he uses as inspiration when things get tough. Models himself after ex-Mizzou coach Quin Snyder. Likes to pull hair, but he'll have a tough time finding much to pull in this fight.
On to the fight...
Today's battle started a bit awkward and showed off a communication gap that sometimes exists inside the Rawlings Group. Tim "Weekend Warrior" Lord said they the fight would be a boot camp. Derek "Zoolander" Speicher got excited, bringing all of his boots to work and lining them up outside Lord's office. Let's just say Lord was not amused... Seeing the line of boots outside his office reminded Lord of his military roots. He grabbed his Revolver bat line, switched out the barrel, and delivered a composite-sounding thump to Speicher's shoulder. 1-0 Lord.
Derek looked to the left, then down a little and gave his nod. His little guy hoisted the boombox over his head and began to play a little Shakira. Speicher's hip-smacking action was interrupted by the occasional smack from Lord. But Speicher chose instead to pause and pose after each smack, shimmying his way to an 8-4 advantage.
Lord came back, but in a way few would suspect. He wanted to beat Zoolander Speicher at his own game. Lord cranked up some music of his own, Taps, and began to shake what his momma gave him. First he began to slap himself. Then he missed. But his miss wasn't an accident. This miss delivered a red mark across the face of the startled/frightened Speicher, and Lord closed the gap to 8-7.
Back came Speicher. The little fella heckled while Speicher started to strut. Then came the music. Haddaway's "What is Love". A gentle twist accompanied Derek as he pranced past Tim. He stopped, stuck out a little something, made a little sizzle sound and froze, melting Lord's heart the way it's melted many a lady. Derek extended his lead to 13-9.
Lord was ready. He made a call. A few minutes later, a few interns appeared waving WV flags while Tim chanted "Pride of West Virginia". Hyped up, he jumped into the air and delivered a flying dragon into Speicher's spine - tightening things up to 13-11.
It was time for the debut. Speicher sprinted down to graphics and then, as the little guy blared a bit of "Everybody's Working for the Weekend" by Loverboy, the frenzy began. Legs started tapping. Arms began to move. And then came the hula hoop. Finally, he froze, giving one powerful look at Lord that was just impossible to train for... known in the military as Blue Steel.
Speicher roared ahead to a 19-11 victory and will battle top seeded Ron "Lots of Buns" Kappauff in the next round. (or Foot of Fury, i guess)
Up Next:
#11 Dan "The Great Adam" Cullinane versus #3 Travis "British Bulldog" Gessley
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
#4 Tim "Weekend Warrior" Lord - Don't mess with him the first weekend of each month and 2 weeks out of the year, but vulnerable when not on military duty. Has military skills, not afraid to use them, but primarily joined the military for the college signing bonus and the GI Bill so skills are suspect. 20 years of training at his side, but retirement is in the near future. Will this Fight be an early retirement? Not so fast, he is not afraid to pull out a softball bat out of the bag, unfortunately Worth bats have been known to dent. Lord is also not afraid to fight dirty, and is willing to do anything whether his opponent is prepared or not. He gets in early. And keeps his war room clean as a whistle.
#5 Derek "Zoolander" Speicher - Loves to work the runway to his advantage. Debuts a new move each week - with the Magnum proving deadly in a tight victory over Ron Hilson. Can be distracted by pretty objects. Known to be extra friendly to the 'little people', who he uses as inspiration when things get tough. Models himself after ex-Mizzou coach Quin Snyder. Likes to pull hair, but he'll have a tough time finding much to pull in this fight.
On to the fight...
Today's battle started a bit awkward and showed off a communication gap that sometimes exists inside the Rawlings Group. Tim "Weekend Warrior" Lord said they the fight would be a boot camp. Derek "Zoolander" Speicher got excited, bringing all of his boots to work and lining them up outside Lord's office. Let's just say Lord was not amused... Seeing the line of boots outside his office reminded Lord of his military roots. He grabbed his Revolver bat line, switched out the barrel, and delivered a composite-sounding thump to Speicher's shoulder. 1-0 Lord.
Derek looked to the left, then down a little and gave his nod. His little guy hoisted the boombox over his head and began to play a little Shakira. Speicher's hip-smacking action was interrupted by the occasional smack from Lord. But Speicher chose instead to pause and pose after each smack, shimmying his way to an 8-4 advantage.
Lord came back, but in a way few would suspect. He wanted to beat Zoolander Speicher at his own game. Lord cranked up some music of his own, Taps, and began to shake what his momma gave him. First he began to slap himself. Then he missed. But his miss wasn't an accident. This miss delivered a red mark across the face of the startled/frightened Speicher, and Lord closed the gap to 8-7.
Back came Speicher. The little fella heckled while Speicher started to strut. Then came the music. Haddaway's "What is Love". A gentle twist accompanied Derek as he pranced past Tim. He stopped, stuck out a little something, made a little sizzle sound and froze, melting Lord's heart the way it's melted many a lady. Derek extended his lead to 13-9.
Lord was ready. He made a call. A few minutes later, a few interns appeared waving WV flags while Tim chanted "Pride of West Virginia". Hyped up, he jumped into the air and delivered a flying dragon into Speicher's spine - tightening things up to 13-11.
It was time for the debut. Speicher sprinted down to graphics and then, as the little guy blared a bit of "Everybody's Working for the Weekend" by Loverboy, the frenzy began. Legs started tapping. Arms began to move. And then came the hula hoop. Finally, he froze, giving one powerful look at Lord that was just impossible to train for... known in the military as Blue Steel.
Speicher roared ahead to a 19-11 victory and will battle top seeded Ron "Lots of Buns" Kappauff in the next round. (or Foot of Fury, i guess)
Up Next:
#11 Dan "The Great Adam" Cullinane versus #3 Travis "British Bulldog" Gessley
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Breaking UFC Updates
A few whispers heard around the UFC:
Top Seeded McCartney Injures Back
Jason "Spanish Blood" McCartney was noticeably gimpy around the office today. His upcoming opponent, Jason "LeRoy Jenkins" Voorhees could not be reached for comment. However, it must be pointed out that his previous victim, Seth Elrod, complained of cramping the day before his fight with Voorhees. Stay tuned.
Little Man Siding with Speicher?
Rumors have run rampant that a 'little person' has been seen running around the apparel offices at Rawlings -- and banging on shelving near Derek "Zoolander" Speicher's cube (and in one of his drawers). While noone has corroborated this report, Tim Lord should be careful to make sure Speicher doesn't have a little help in their upcoming fight.
Is Carol Mark posturing for a run at UFC 07?
Carol "Off the" Mark has reportedly spent hours studying film of battles and has developed the strategy to either win it all herself in 07 or to partner up with a young prodigy to back their path to the title. This will certainly develop further.
Mark "Cosmo" Kraemer drowns sorrows with a fruity drink
Witnesses say Cosmo has spent his UFC off-season sipping on daiquiris.
Ranzini Vows to send Turner to the "Baseball Heavens"
I'm too scared to right on this one.
carry on. and vote.
Top Seeded McCartney Injures Back
Jason "Spanish Blood" McCartney was noticeably gimpy around the office today. His upcoming opponent, Jason "LeRoy Jenkins" Voorhees could not be reached for comment. However, it must be pointed out that his previous victim, Seth Elrod, complained of cramping the day before his fight with Voorhees. Stay tuned.
Little Man Siding with Speicher?
Rumors have run rampant that a 'little person' has been seen running around the apparel offices at Rawlings -- and banging on shelving near Derek "Zoolander" Speicher's cube (and in one of his drawers). While noone has corroborated this report, Tim Lord should be careful to make sure Speicher doesn't have a little help in their upcoming fight.
Is Carol Mark posturing for a run at UFC 07?
Carol "Off the" Mark has reportedly spent hours studying film of battles and has developed the strategy to either win it all herself in 07 or to partner up with a young prodigy to back their path to the title. This will certainly develop further.
Mark "Cosmo" Kraemer drowns sorrows with a fruity drink
Witnesses say Cosmo has spent his UFC off-season sipping on daiquiris.
Ranzini Vows to send Turner to the "Baseball Heavens"
I'm too scared to right on this one.
carry on. and vote.
Could Ron Close the Deal?
Ron "Foot of Fury" Kappauff was the #1 seed. Poised to romp his way to the finals. But the question we have for Ron (again) is simple... could he close the deal?
Matt "SENB" Bensing stood as the darkhorse. He had completely sucked the will to live out of an intern in round 1 -- reportedly sending the intern back to college for more practice and seasoning. Now he was ready for Ron "Foot of Fury" Kappauff... As a side note, we'd love all UFC fans to send in their best guesses as to what SENB stands for.
OK, back to the battle. These two warriors have sparred previously -- battling to see who could produce the most catalog varieties last fall.
But this time was different.
Bensing came on quickly, delivering a good morning T-Bone Suplex to Kappauff's head. Kappauff staggered to a table, re-zhoozhed his hair, and extended his Puma Speedcats into the air, then into Bensing's face. 2-1 Kappauff.
Bensing responded, taking off his bright yellow Buffalo Wild Wings shirt (which momentarily blinded Ron), offered a pose or two - and asked the question "Ron, where can we hang up my shirt?" This was a bit weird and awkward. Then, Bensing began to sprint. One lariat clothesline later, and SENB Bensing had a nice 3-2 lead.
That's when The Fury awoke. Kappauff showed off his old nickname, Lots of Buns, while delivering a quick combination of Speedcat kicks, mid-section shots, and a little finale known around the Landing as the Rumpshaker. Kappauff extended a dominating 9-3 lead. A run that would have continued forever.... but for the sudden, unexpected appearance of Carol "Off the" Mark. Mark stopped by to offer a congratulatory high-five to Ron, only to instead, slickly pull her right hand back and deliver a cool smack to the head with her left. She left, satisfied.
The distraction was all Bensing needed. He is used to operating in whatever wiggle room you could give him and this was no exception. He lifted Kappauff into the air and carried him into the back, stuffing him into a locker. He began to deliver thunderous claps to the locker, erasing the gap and tying the score at 9.
But you don't get to be Newcomer of the Year at Maryville University without learning how to escape from a closed locker. Ron smacked the door open and with one swing, with one thunderous shot... We learned why he is known to many as "Walk Off Ron."
10-9-1 Kappauff over Bensing and Mark.
The Foot of Fury advances to meet the winner of our next matchup:
#4 Tim "Weekend Warrior" Lord versus #5 Derek "Zoolander" Speicher
Email Your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
Matt "SENB" Bensing stood as the darkhorse. He had completely sucked the will to live out of an intern in round 1 -- reportedly sending the intern back to college for more practice and seasoning. Now he was ready for Ron "Foot of Fury" Kappauff... As a side note, we'd love all UFC fans to send in their best guesses as to what SENB stands for.
OK, back to the battle. These two warriors have sparred previously -- battling to see who could produce the most catalog varieties last fall.
But this time was different.
Bensing came on quickly, delivering a good morning T-Bone Suplex to Kappauff's head. Kappauff staggered to a table, re-zhoozhed his hair, and extended his Puma Speedcats into the air, then into Bensing's face. 2-1 Kappauff.
Bensing responded, taking off his bright yellow Buffalo Wild Wings shirt (which momentarily blinded Ron), offered a pose or two - and asked the question "Ron, where can we hang up my shirt?" This was a bit weird and awkward. Then, Bensing began to sprint. One lariat clothesline later, and SENB Bensing had a nice 3-2 lead.
That's when The Fury awoke. Kappauff showed off his old nickname, Lots of Buns, while delivering a quick combination of Speedcat kicks, mid-section shots, and a little finale known around the Landing as the Rumpshaker. Kappauff extended a dominating 9-3 lead. A run that would have continued forever.... but for the sudden, unexpected appearance of Carol "Off the" Mark. Mark stopped by to offer a congratulatory high-five to Ron, only to instead, slickly pull her right hand back and deliver a cool smack to the head with her left. She left, satisfied.
The distraction was all Bensing needed. He is used to operating in whatever wiggle room you could give him and this was no exception. He lifted Kappauff into the air and carried him into the back, stuffing him into a locker. He began to deliver thunderous claps to the locker, erasing the gap and tying the score at 9.
But you don't get to be Newcomer of the Year at Maryville University without learning how to escape from a closed locker. Ron smacked the door open and with one swing, with one thunderous shot... We learned why he is known to many as "Walk Off Ron."
10-9-1 Kappauff over Bensing and Mark.
The Foot of Fury advances to meet the winner of our next matchup:
#4 Tim "Weekend Warrior" Lord versus #5 Derek "Zoolander" Speicher
Email Your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Winner Gets or Gets to Keep a Rawlings Job
( by Matt Howell)
Wow - Vegas reporting that a phone call from the vacationing Zoomy announced that should the intern win, she would replace Andy at Rawlings. Whoa. Big odds for sure - were the fighters up to the task?
Firmly entrenched back in Columbia, Missouri, our intern Allison overslept for the fight just as she has done for all her classes. Before she could even hit the snooze button, she was down 6-1. The one vote came in during overnight voting while she was still doing shots....,
Aghast at her early deficit, Allison stumbled out of bed and while stretching, threw an upper cut to the chin of the Tower. (I think she had to stand on a stool to reach that high) but nonetheless she got 2 shots in, cutting the deficit to 6-3.
Oh, boy, did those 2 shots to the chin anger the Power Tower...repeatedly taking advantage (UFC terms, Sara...don't worry!) of the sleepy intern. While still wondering what day it was and whether or not she had a 12:40 or a 1:40 and if she had finished her homework on cash cows in the current millennium, Andy rattled off punch after punch (reminiscent of that great legendary UFC fighter, Number Puncher) jumping to a 12-3 advantage. 12-3..isn't that Andy's unofficial height in the Drake alumni program?
Then everybody was tired or Allison had to attend class or some sorority function, who knows, but both fighters took a break, trying to regroup from the early morning (well...to college students, 11:00 is still EARLY morning) battle. Unlike most Mizzou sports teams, Big Al actually did well coming off of a timeout and quickly, blindingly used her long hair, one time rumored to be on its way to Locks of Love, to wrap her opponent up and before the Tower knew what hit him, Big Al had cut down some of the tower and now found herself within striking distance--sort of, down 13-6. A quick retaliatory punch by the Power Tower gave that advantage back to Andy.
I suppose both fighters were tired...only one more punch - a late one by Andy P the rest of the afternoon.
Andy wins 15-6. And keeps his job. Heck, I don't know who he faces next - the bracket's on his door so I'm sure he can tell you tomorrow!!!!
Tomorrow.....Ron "Foot of Fury" Kappauff versus Matt "SENB" Bensing
Wow - Vegas reporting that a phone call from the vacationing Zoomy announced that should the intern win, she would replace Andy at Rawlings. Whoa. Big odds for sure - were the fighters up to the task?
Firmly entrenched back in Columbia, Missouri, our intern Allison overslept for the fight just as she has done for all her classes. Before she could even hit the snooze button, she was down 6-1. The one vote came in during overnight voting while she was still doing shots....,
Aghast at her early deficit, Allison stumbled out of bed and while stretching, threw an upper cut to the chin of the Tower. (I think she had to stand on a stool to reach that high) but nonetheless she got 2 shots in, cutting the deficit to 6-3.
Oh, boy, did those 2 shots to the chin anger the Power Tower...repeatedly taking advantage (UFC terms, Sara...don't worry!) of the sleepy intern. While still wondering what day it was and whether or not she had a 12:40 or a 1:40 and if she had finished her homework on cash cows in the current millennium, Andy rattled off punch after punch (reminiscent of that great legendary UFC fighter, Number Puncher) jumping to a 12-3 advantage. 12-3..isn't that Andy's unofficial height in the Drake alumni program?
Then everybody was tired or Allison had to attend class or some sorority function, who knows, but both fighters took a break, trying to regroup from the early morning (well...to college students, 11:00 is still EARLY morning) battle. Unlike most Mizzou sports teams, Big Al actually did well coming off of a timeout and quickly, blindingly used her long hair, one time rumored to be on its way to Locks of Love, to wrap her opponent up and before the Tower knew what hit him, Big Al had cut down some of the tower and now found herself within striking distance--sort of, down 13-6. A quick retaliatory punch by the Power Tower gave that advantage back to Andy.
I suppose both fighters were tired...only one more punch - a late one by Andy P the rest of the afternoon.
Andy wins 15-6. And keeps his job. Heck, I don't know who he faces next - the bracket's on his door so I'm sure he can tell you tomorrow!!!!
Tomorrow.....Ron "Foot of Fury" Kappauff versus Matt "SENB" Bensing
Monday, August 21, 2006
A Graphic(s) Battle
I have to admit, this fight was all about posturing.
First, Jeff "Schizo Frantic" France claims he doesn't care who wins. Which (for those of you who don't speak hippy surfer) means "Dorsey's going down. And hard."
Then, Brian "Death Slide" Dorsey vows to win without rocking the vote, which seems like code for I don't need to rock the vote to beat a crazy hippy. (in reality it is Dorsey using his superhero power of PreCognition -- which for those of you who don't follow X-men is the ability to predict the future). But is Dorsey a real superhero? He didn't even have a cape in his battle picture.
The fight speaks for itself.
The battle did get off to a later start than anticipated, as Schizo Frantic France locked his keys in his car. He arrived late, although he arrived just in time to receive a smack in the face from Dorsey. 1-0 Dorsey early.
But France is a superhero in his own right. He has a secret power known as Power Locks (no, not the car type). Few may know it, but he has the ability to deliver extreme hair growth in a matter of seconds. As he appeared at Dorsey's desk, he began to grow his hair into a mullet-style rope, winding it into a lasso that took Dorsey to the ground. As the mullet lasso wrangled the startled Dorsey to the graphics turf, Schizo Frantic took a 4-2 lead.
Dorsey became angry, at first not speaking. But then he began to fume, He got up, drug France to the paper cutter and began to take slices of hair out, one painful swipe at a time. This was enough to even the matchup at 6-6.
Suddenly, Jason "LeRoy Jenkins" Vorhees emerged -- arriving late after a victory party celebrating his dismantling of Elrod. (Surprisingly, Elrod was at his party but that is another story altogether). Voorhees saw the battle in progress and cackled. A very eery cackle. And he grabbed both of the warriors by their shirts. Voorhees lifted both shirts, simultaneously, over their heads and began to deliver a simultaneous yellow belly, which really should have been captured on video. He left shortly thereafter.
This one was clearly going down to the wire. And it would come down to a battle of super powers. Dorsey began to launch himself into a final death slide maneuver, only to realize (a second too late) that he was going into his slide too late. They say the last thing you see in these fights is a bright light, something like that light at the end of the tunnel. But for Dorsey, it was the bright light of France's shoes that caught his attention. Smack.
Game over, with two swift white kicks.
France escaped with a 9-7 victory. He advances to meet the winner of the next matchup:
#2 Andy "Tower of Power" Pawlowski battles #7 Allison "Big Al" Steinman.
Email your votes to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com, but please note that this matchup will be managed and audited by Matt "Number Cruncher" Howell, Inc.
I won't have any part in this.
Good luck.
First, Jeff "Schizo Frantic" France claims he doesn't care who wins. Which (for those of you who don't speak hippy surfer) means "Dorsey's going down. And hard."
Then, Brian "Death Slide" Dorsey vows to win without rocking the vote, which seems like code for I don't need to rock the vote to beat a crazy hippy. (in reality it is Dorsey using his superhero power of PreCognition -- which for those of you who don't follow X-men is the ability to predict the future). But is Dorsey a real superhero? He didn't even have a cape in his battle picture.
The fight speaks for itself.
The battle did get off to a later start than anticipated, as Schizo Frantic France locked his keys in his car. He arrived late, although he arrived just in time to receive a smack in the face from Dorsey. 1-0 Dorsey early.
But France is a superhero in his own right. He has a secret power known as Power Locks (no, not the car type). Few may know it, but he has the ability to deliver extreme hair growth in a matter of seconds. As he appeared at Dorsey's desk, he began to grow his hair into a mullet-style rope, winding it into a lasso that took Dorsey to the ground. As the mullet lasso wrangled the startled Dorsey to the graphics turf, Schizo Frantic took a 4-2 lead.
Dorsey became angry, at first not speaking. But then he began to fume, He got up, drug France to the paper cutter and began to take slices of hair out, one painful swipe at a time. This was enough to even the matchup at 6-6.
Suddenly, Jason "LeRoy Jenkins" Vorhees emerged -- arriving late after a victory party celebrating his dismantling of Elrod. (Surprisingly, Elrod was at his party but that is another story altogether). Voorhees saw the battle in progress and cackled. A very eery cackle. And he grabbed both of the warriors by their shirts. Voorhees lifted both shirts, simultaneously, over their heads and began to deliver a simultaneous yellow belly, which really should have been captured on video. He left shortly thereafter.
This one was clearly going down to the wire. And it would come down to a battle of super powers. Dorsey began to launch himself into a final death slide maneuver, only to realize (a second too late) that he was going into his slide too late. They say the last thing you see in these fights is a bright light, something like that light at the end of the tunnel. But for Dorsey, it was the bright light of France's shoes that caught his attention. Smack.
Game over, with two swift white kicks.
France escaped with a 9-7 victory. He advances to meet the winner of the next matchup:
#2 Andy "Tower of Power" Pawlowski battles #7 Allison "Big Al" Steinman.
Email your votes to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com, but please note that this matchup will be managed and audited by Matt "Number Cruncher" Howell, Inc.
I won't have any part in this.
Good luck.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Voorhees rocks Seth's world
...and I'm not even talking about UFC.
Despite hours upon hours of rowing boats with Tim and daily cardio routines with Robert, Seth "Purple Nurple" Elrod needed more preparation. He spent the past week at his fiancee's school playground, trying to learn some new moves. Moves which he planned to unleash at Jason "Leroy Jankins" Voorhees.
The confrontation started innocent enough. Elrod brought over an art request and began to lay it onto the desk of Voorhees. Unfortunately, he leaned over to place it on the desk. In what could best be stated as nano-seconds, Voorhees grabbed Elrod by the hair and thrust him into the desk, sending a resounding echo through the heart of the Rawlings Group. As Elrod stared at the 3-0 deficit, he grabbed onto Voorhees' right arm with both hands and began to twist, in opposite directions, hoping this Indian Burn technique would send J2 screaming.
It didn't.
Voorhees smacked his arms against his chest with great force and began to shake. Elrod stood still. The shaking got faster and faster. And then, Jankins erupted. He unleashed a frenzy of moves which started slowly, with an evil stare, followed by a gentle smack. As Elrod exhaled a sigh of relief, Voorhees suddenly grabbed him and began to lift him into the air. It was Power Bomb time. He lifted Elrod into the air and tossed him to the ground. Ka-Boom. He then went to work on Elrod, delivering a series of slaps that set off fire alarms and ran the lead to 11.95-2.05.
Elrod tried to retaliate by giving a hug. But not the warm kind. He wanted to give the kind you get when the other person really doesn't want to give you one. Very awkward. The Purple Nurple wanted to make Jankins feel a bit uncomfortable, and this at least temporarily slowed the beating, as the score stood at 15.95-6.95.
Voorhees again easily escaped and lifted Elrod's right leg into the air, preparing for a painful maneuver. He then leg whipped Elrod's left leg, delivering Seth to the ground in what is known as a Dragon Screw maneuver. You might know it better as Severe Pain. (Seth certainly did)
It was on.
Carol "Off the" Mark strolled through the graphics area and tossed Voorhees his final tool, a razor. Voorhees took the razor and began to deliver his trademark: a check mark in your hair. As in: DONE.
In the end, this game was nowhere near as close as many hoped. Voorhees wins 32.95 - 7.05. He advances to meet top-seeded Jason "Spanish Blood" McCartney in what is most certain to be an intense and graphic confrontation. You will NOT want to miss that one.
Up next: #3 Jeff "Schizo Frantic" France versus #6 Brian "Death Slide" Dorsey
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Another 1 seed bites the dust?
Jason "Spanish Blood" McCartney had seen one of his fellow graphics warriors fall prey to the angry storms created by Pan "Pam" Klosterman. And so he trained. Waiting, visualizing, and practicing. McCartney was not going to be the second #1 seed to go down... Or was he?
Entering the graphics battleground, he approached Pan straight on, like an enraged bull charging, Spanish style. Klostermann ran in his direction at speeds last seen when she was leaving the kickball field heading to her bench and beverage. It was like a UFC game of chicken. And neither combatant was going to give. The two collided head-on, with Pam's yells masked inside McCartney (or was it Kuato?)'s growling -- good for an early 2-2 tie.
Unfortunately for Pan, she had merely fed the beast. They stood side by side, anticipating what was coming next. But you cannot anticipate the length of what was boiling inside McCartney. In a single movement, Jason lifted Pan off of the ground and onto his shoulders, twisting her away from him as he did so with a gentle flick of his wrist. He then began to free fall, delivering what is really an insane amount of pain, or what is known on the streets as an Alley Oop takedown.
As Pan laid on the multi-colored graphics turf, McCartney took his 8-2 lead and climbed up onto a table, waving his arms into the air, prepared to do a maneuver known simply as "Splash". He leaped into the air, just like that Derek Jeter poster pose, only slightly less masculinely, landing onto the bewildered Klosterman, and running to a dominant 16-3 advantage.
Just then, Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann came through, saw McCartney standing over his victim and delivered one of his patented "Post Up" Maneuvers, clearing out a lane as he always can, and inflicting a little pain on J-Mac.
He left quickly. In the confusion, that ensued, however, Jason "LeRoy Jankins" Voorhees stood up in his cube. He strutted by McCartney, rolled up his sleeve to reveal a new tatoo of Seth's face with a black eye, flexed, and left the scene.
The commotion was enough to allow Klostermann to not only get up but to shimmy her way across the room and deliver a painful fingernail death massage to Spanish Blood, leaving a trail of punishment down his spine and cutting the deficit to 18-6.
But that wouldn't be enough. I find it best to not upset the animal inside McCartney. Clearly riled up, Jason began cracking his knuckles and preparing for what is known in UFC circles as a Triangle choke. Triangle that is because there are three kinds of pain inflicted. There is the pain before the choke takes hold, the pain through impact, and the pain that comes from realizing there really is no escape. It is really difficult to measure which pain is the greatest, as many are unconscious before the third variety takes hold.
McCartney tossed Pan aside and casually left the scene. This match was clearly over. McCartney wins 35-7-1-1 over Klosterman, Dickmann, and Voorhees. He advances to meet today's matchup's winner:
#4 Jason "Lerrroyyy Jankins" J2 Voorhees versus #5 Seth "Purple Nurple" Elrod.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
to unsubscribe from this email, please send a message to Ihavenosenseofhumor@hotmail.com with the subject line unsubscribe.
Entering the graphics battleground, he approached Pan straight on, like an enraged bull charging, Spanish style. Klostermann ran in his direction at speeds last seen when she was leaving the kickball field heading to her bench and beverage. It was like a UFC game of chicken. And neither combatant was going to give. The two collided head-on, with Pam's yells masked inside McCartney (or was it Kuato?)'s growling -- good for an early 2-2 tie.
Unfortunately for Pan, she had merely fed the beast. They stood side by side, anticipating what was coming next. But you cannot anticipate the length of what was boiling inside McCartney. In a single movement, Jason lifted Pan off of the ground and onto his shoulders, twisting her away from him as he did so with a gentle flick of his wrist. He then began to free fall, delivering what is really an insane amount of pain, or what is known on the streets as an Alley Oop takedown.
As Pan laid on the multi-colored graphics turf, McCartney took his 8-2 lead and climbed up onto a table, waving his arms into the air, prepared to do a maneuver known simply as "Splash". He leaped into the air, just like that Derek Jeter poster pose, only slightly less masculinely, landing onto the bewildered Klosterman, and running to a dominant 16-3 advantage.
Just then, Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann came through, saw McCartney standing over his victim and delivered one of his patented "Post Up" Maneuvers, clearing out a lane as he always can, and inflicting a little pain on J-Mac.
He left quickly. In the confusion, that ensued, however, Jason "LeRoy Jankins" Voorhees stood up in his cube. He strutted by McCartney, rolled up his sleeve to reveal a new tatoo of Seth's face with a black eye, flexed, and left the scene.
The commotion was enough to allow Klostermann to not only get up but to shimmy her way across the room and deliver a painful fingernail death massage to Spanish Blood, leaving a trail of punishment down his spine and cutting the deficit to 18-6.
But that wouldn't be enough. I find it best to not upset the animal inside McCartney. Clearly riled up, Jason began cracking his knuckles and preparing for what is known in UFC circles as a Triangle choke. Triangle that is because there are three kinds of pain inflicted. There is the pain before the choke takes hold, the pain through impact, and the pain that comes from realizing there really is no escape. It is really difficult to measure which pain is the greatest, as many are unconscious before the third variety takes hold.
McCartney tossed Pan aside and casually left the scene. This match was clearly over. McCartney wins 35-7-1-1 over Klosterman, Dickmann, and Voorhees. He advances to meet today's matchup's winner:
#4 Jason "Lerrroyyy Jankins" J2 Voorhees versus #5 Seth "Purple Nurple" Elrod.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
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Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Rawlings Rocks the UFC vote, Runs up a Score
One thing we need to get out of the way: there is no Mercy Rule in the Rawlings UFC. UFC combatants (at least the more successful ones) are trained to be aggressive, even if the opposition is backed into the corner. You play to win and you play to put on a show. And this was a matchup for the ages. These were the two biggest warriors remaining in the Stare at Numbers Region. And I could swear you could hear thunder rumbling upstairs.
The battle began on the steps outside the Rawlings Group. When Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann arrived at work, he did not see the large, lumbering figure hiding just over the handicapped ledge dressed in grey. In fact the first glimpse he caught was of the pavement as Tomaszewski hurdled the ledge and parlayed his prey onto the ground with a little help from his Elbow Drop - South Side style. From there, he switched positions faster than he might switch favorite Chicago baseball teams (hypothetically) and led Dickmann into the office by the collar of his now untucked and disheveled shirt. As Bobby Tomahawk led his victim past the security gate, he brought a nice smirk as he took a quick 7-1 lead.
As an interlude, and a warning to all UFC combatants, I'd like to share some advice. A little heart-to-heart. Be prepared. Get some sleep, wear loose clothing (unless this goes against your style/routine, that is). I feel urged to bring this up as Bruce "Bruce" kept falling asleep in this fight. Now I'll give Bruce some credit. The man tried to act as if he was awake.... but it was clear to those paying attention that he wasn't. And it was clear by what happened next that the Tomahawk didn't really care.
As Dickmann got a couple of last second z's, Tomaszewski went to work. First, he sat Bruce down at a nice conference table. Then he stood up, pushed his chair in like the consummate gentleman he is to make him comfortable. Then he let it out. Dribbling Dickmann's head into the table over and over again like a deflated basketball.... Dickmann found himself in a somewhat unbelievable 17-4 hole. Bruce then stood up, dusted himself off, and pushed his chair in -- but it appeared stuck. He glanced down to see what it was caught on and found a fist from Capone. Stunned, Dickmann reeled himself backwards into a (no this isn't a misprint) 41-10 stupor.
Suddenly, a very confused Brian "Service This" Scheele strolled through -- angry and ready to defend the honor of the Customer Service team. He made his point - delivering a Spinning DDT. Which was ugly and painful, and came with attitude and a howl. (By the way, he left quickly. Very quickly.)
Dickmann felt inspired. He awoke from his beating and began to wail away with a few body moves last used as illegal screens on the basketball courts at Maryville.
But in the end, even with the help of his department, Bruce was Going Going Ghana. And today will be known in future UFC days as the Windy City Massacre.
Tomaszewski advances with a 43-15-1 thrashing over Dickmann (and Scheele). He advances to attack #6 Matt "Number Puncher" Howell in the Sweet 16.
We now turn our attention to the Looking Pretty Region where #1 Seed Jason "Spanish Blood" McCartney makes his UFC debut. He'll battle Pam "Pan" Klostermann, who is earning fear with her pseudo nickname "Angry Breeze". She has taken out one graphics warrior already with a solid victory over Bill Garbe, but faces a crazy obstacle with McCartney. and I mean crazy.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
The battle began on the steps outside the Rawlings Group. When Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann arrived at work, he did not see the large, lumbering figure hiding just over the handicapped ledge dressed in grey. In fact the first glimpse he caught was of the pavement as Tomaszewski hurdled the ledge and parlayed his prey onto the ground with a little help from his Elbow Drop - South Side style. From there, he switched positions faster than he might switch favorite Chicago baseball teams (hypothetically) and led Dickmann into the office by the collar of his now untucked and disheveled shirt. As Bobby Tomahawk led his victim past the security gate, he brought a nice smirk as he took a quick 7-1 lead.
As an interlude, and a warning to all UFC combatants, I'd like to share some advice. A little heart-to-heart. Be prepared. Get some sleep, wear loose clothing (unless this goes against your style/routine, that is). I feel urged to bring this up as Bruce "Bruce" kept falling asleep in this fight. Now I'll give Bruce some credit. The man tried to act as if he was awake.... but it was clear to those paying attention that he wasn't. And it was clear by what happened next that the Tomahawk didn't really care.
As Dickmann got a couple of last second z's, Tomaszewski went to work. First, he sat Bruce down at a nice conference table. Then he stood up, pushed his chair in like the consummate gentleman he is to make him comfortable. Then he let it out. Dribbling Dickmann's head into the table over and over again like a deflated basketball.... Dickmann found himself in a somewhat unbelievable 17-4 hole. Bruce then stood up, dusted himself off, and pushed his chair in -- but it appeared stuck. He glanced down to see what it was caught on and found a fist from Capone. Stunned, Dickmann reeled himself backwards into a (no this isn't a misprint) 41-10 stupor.
Suddenly, a very confused Brian "Service This" Scheele strolled through -- angry and ready to defend the honor of the Customer Service team. He made his point - delivering a Spinning DDT. Which was ugly and painful, and came with attitude and a howl. (By the way, he left quickly. Very quickly.)
Dickmann felt inspired. He awoke from his beating and began to wail away with a few body moves last used as illegal screens on the basketball courts at Maryville.
But in the end, even with the help of his department, Bruce was Going Going Ghana. And today will be known in future UFC days as the Windy City Massacre.
Tomaszewski advances with a 43-15-1 thrashing over Dickmann (and Scheele). He advances to attack #6 Matt "Number Puncher" Howell in the Sweet 16.
We now turn our attention to the Looking Pretty Region where #1 Seed Jason "Spanish Blood" McCartney makes his UFC debut. He'll battle Pam "Pan" Klostermann, who is earning fear with her pseudo nickname "Angry Breeze". She has taken out one graphics warrior already with a solid victory over Bill Garbe, but faces a crazy obstacle with McCartney. and I mean crazy.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
A Bracket in Disarray and a Big Hangover
Matt "Number Puncher" Howell arrived at the penthouse cube of Adam "Sugar Shot" Shupe late in the day today. It was game time and he was ready. But he had no idea what he was about to see. Shupe began be leaping to his feet and delivering a Nose Job, also known to the UFC connoisseurs as a Jumping FaceBuster, with such a quick spring that it caught Howell completely off guard. But for those of you who have seen Shupe on the basketball or volleyball court, one of his greatest strengths is his second jump. Apparently, as Howell found out, he has a pretty good 3rd, 4th, and 5th jump, as his run of Jumping FaceBusters allowed an early 5-0 romp for the Sugar Shot.
It was at that point that Howell got in close and gave him a limp-wristed smack. Make that two. It was enough to get Shupe's attention, to the tune of a 6-2 Howell lead. With the opening in tact, Howell ripped his shirt off, flexed, and winked. Despite the sudden awkwardness, Howell was back in the game. He got in close, grabbed Shupe's arm, and flung him over his shoulder, dropping him to the ground in a Budget Crunch takedown. And like all Budget Cuts, this one hurt. Howell jumped ahead 9-8.
Back came Shupe. He picked himself up, got his bearings, and began to growl. Yes, I said growl. When the growling stopped, the pain began. A series of punches and slaps that hit Howell like a 4th of July fireworks extravaganza. Shupe took a 13-12 lead.
But then Howell reached for a secret weapon. He grabbed Shupe's head from behind, jerking his neck straight back. Howell reached into his bag, opened up a flask, and began to pour tasty liquids slowly down Shupe's throat. When Howell had finished poaring the tasty drinks for Shupe, he had run to a 19-14 lead. The only thing Shupe could punch was air. Which hurt Howell a little, but not enough. Game goes to the Number Puncher 19-15.
Howell advances to meet the winner of the next matchup:
#10 Bob "Capone" Tomaszewski versus #2 Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann. This match could literally scare people.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
It was at that point that Howell got in close and gave him a limp-wristed smack. Make that two. It was enough to get Shupe's attention, to the tune of a 6-2 Howell lead. With the opening in tact, Howell ripped his shirt off, flexed, and winked. Despite the sudden awkwardness, Howell was back in the game. He got in close, grabbed Shupe's arm, and flung him over his shoulder, dropping him to the ground in a Budget Crunch takedown. And like all Budget Cuts, this one hurt. Howell jumped ahead 9-8.
Back came Shupe. He picked himself up, got his bearings, and began to growl. Yes, I said growl. When the growling stopped, the pain began. A series of punches and slaps that hit Howell like a 4th of July fireworks extravaganza. Shupe took a 13-12 lead.
But then Howell reached for a secret weapon. He grabbed Shupe's head from behind, jerking his neck straight back. Howell reached into his bag, opened up a flask, and began to pour tasty liquids slowly down Shupe's throat. When Howell had finished poaring the tasty drinks for Shupe, he had run to a 19-14 lead. The only thing Shupe could punch was air. Which hurt Howell a little, but not enough. Game goes to the Number Puncher 19-15.
Howell advances to meet the winner of the next matchup:
#10 Bob "Capone" Tomaszewski versus #2 Bruce "Bruce" Dickmann. This match could literally scare people.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Balboa Strikes Again
Dave "Italian Stallion" Bommarito continued his quest to roll through the UFC's Stare at Numbers Region -- literally. Bommarito entered his matchup wearing his Blue one-piece unitard/body suit and ear guard, which he had recently cleaned to remove the stains which resulted in his dismantling of Chance Hollingsworth in the UFC's opening round.
Ryan, "Retail Rhino" Brady came rested and ready, after training in the field with Chuck Russell, where he hoped to learn how to fight on the streets.
But training in the field doesn't prepare you for the surprise attacks that can run rampant in this office. Brady sat at his desk in the sweet confines of the second floor, oblivious to the spandex man standing on top of a cube wall just 5 feet behind him. The Stallion leaped from the cube wall, cooed gently, and hit Brady with a Diving Hurricane, bringing him down to the ground in a heap of blue tight-fitting material. Bommarito worked him into the painful Figure 4 position, stretching Brady in ways he hasn't imagined (at least in awhile), and opened up a 3-0 lead.
Brady though reeled his body upward, flicking the lightweight Bommer into motion as he surprised him with a kicking summersault move. The second kick, with his right foot, connected, nearly evening up the score at 3-2.
Then it was the Stallion's turn. Bommarito stood up, looked Brady in the eyes, and move into a quick scissor-takedown move, with a suplex finish -- a move he hadn't used since his high school days, again knocking Brady onto the floor. Brady's head powered into the ground, Bommarito style, 11 times, and the little guy extended a 6-2 lead.
It was then that Brady felt the need to use the Steam Roller. He rolled sideways, right over Bommarito, and back again, over and over in a mad attempt to crush his prey. The score moved close at 6-5 Bommarito.
But it wasn't to be Brady's day. The Italian Stallion arched his back, picked up Brady by the back of his shirt, and choke slammed him to the ground. Bommarito began to yell. Although it wasn't quite interpretable (as he still had in his mouthpiece), this battle was over.
Bommarito wins 8-6 and advances to meet Wendy Mathis in the Sweet 16. This ensures we will see an 8-seed or lower advance to the Elite 8 -- as the Stare at Numbers Region shocks the world.
Up Next: #3 Adam "Sugar Shot" Shupe versus #6 Matt "Number Puncher" Howell.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
Ryan, "Retail Rhino" Brady came rested and ready, after training in the field with Chuck Russell, where he hoped to learn how to fight on the streets.
But training in the field doesn't prepare you for the surprise attacks that can run rampant in this office. Brady sat at his desk in the sweet confines of the second floor, oblivious to the spandex man standing on top of a cube wall just 5 feet behind him. The Stallion leaped from the cube wall, cooed gently, and hit Brady with a Diving Hurricane, bringing him down to the ground in a heap of blue tight-fitting material. Bommarito worked him into the painful Figure 4 position, stretching Brady in ways he hasn't imagined (at least in awhile), and opened up a 3-0 lead.
Brady though reeled his body upward, flicking the lightweight Bommer into motion as he surprised him with a kicking summersault move. The second kick, with his right foot, connected, nearly evening up the score at 3-2.
Then it was the Stallion's turn. Bommarito stood up, looked Brady in the eyes, and move into a quick scissor-takedown move, with a suplex finish -- a move he hadn't used since his high school days, again knocking Brady onto the floor. Brady's head powered into the ground, Bommarito style, 11 times, and the little guy extended a 6-2 lead.
It was then that Brady felt the need to use the Steam Roller. He rolled sideways, right over Bommarito, and back again, over and over in a mad attempt to crush his prey. The score moved close at 6-5 Bommarito.
But it wasn't to be Brady's day. The Italian Stallion arched his back, picked up Brady by the back of his shirt, and choke slammed him to the ground. Bommarito began to yell. Although it wasn't quite interpretable (as he still had in his mouthpiece), this battle was over.
Bommarito wins 8-6 and advances to meet Wendy Mathis in the Sweet 16. This ensures we will see an 8-seed or lower advance to the Elite 8 -- as the Stare at Numbers Region shocks the world.
Up Next: #3 Adam "Sugar Shot" Shupe versus #6 Matt "Number Puncher" Howell.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
A Bieg Beating
There was a Dan Bieg Power Display for all to behold on Tuesday night. When the Earth had finished moving, a scrawny third baseman (and 3rd base itself) lay in disarray around 20 feet from the source of the storm that blew in... Yet this was Tuesday and the big battle of Big Dan Bieg versus Wendy "Nasty Newlywed" Mathis came on Friday.
Bieg was the first of the 1 seeds to do battle. And, just because he has had quite a layoff since his exhibition bouts doesn't mean he wasn't on his game. Bieg began by running full speed towards the Nasty Newlywed and Crashing the Wedding Party with all 250 pounds of solid muscle. His slide knocked over three cubes and made the CD of Elevator-style music playing in Mathis' cube skip. Mathis tumbled to the ground, surprised with how quickly the Bieg storm blew in. Bieg carefully pummeled her head into her chair, giving each pummel a degree of touch and finesse that explained instantly how he landed the #1 seed, and built a commanding 5-1 lead. (Just as expected)
But then, the unexpected came in. Mathis reached into her purse and grabbed her handy mace spray. Peppering Bieg in the eyes with her handy spray, she leg whipped him with first her left, then her right leg (which did NOT follow her scouting report) and shoved the Bieg guy to the turf.
Bieg howled that his eyes hurt and that the match was not fair. The Nasty Newlywed agreed. So she grabbed Bieg by the collar and took him directly down the hidden hallway into the women's restroom. Mathis plunged Bieg's head into the toilet and flushed, smacking his ears each time he went under. Yes, I said each time, as the Clapping Swirlee maneuver took shape. Mathis roared back to tie the matchup at 7-7.
Bieg shook his hair like an angry dog. For a few minutes, the power went out as a surge of anger charged through the first floor of the Rawlings Group. The two combatants lunged out of the bathroom and back into the office area, trading powerful snorts and cackles. The score stood tied at 10-10.
Suddenly, Bieg ran out of steam. He dropped to a knee, needing to catch his breath. Mathis, however, cranked up the Air Supply on her stereo and gave Bieg a 10 minute Billy Blanks Tae-Bo routine interspersing kicks with a few drop punches. Bieg couldn't believe it. He had fallen to Mathis 16-10. Mathis meanwhile deposited Mr Bieg in the same pile of discards where she had left Brian Scheele two weeks ago.
Mathis advances to the Sweet 16 to meet the winner of the next matchup: Ryan "Retail Rhino" Brady versus Dave "Italian Stalian" Bommarito.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
Bieg was the first of the 1 seeds to do battle. And, just because he has had quite a layoff since his exhibition bouts doesn't mean he wasn't on his game. Bieg began by running full speed towards the Nasty Newlywed and Crashing the Wedding Party with all 250 pounds of solid muscle. His slide knocked over three cubes and made the CD of Elevator-style music playing in Mathis' cube skip. Mathis tumbled to the ground, surprised with how quickly the Bieg storm blew in. Bieg carefully pummeled her head into her chair, giving each pummel a degree of touch and finesse that explained instantly how he landed the #1 seed, and built a commanding 5-1 lead. (Just as expected)
But then, the unexpected came in. Mathis reached into her purse and grabbed her handy mace spray. Peppering Bieg in the eyes with her handy spray, she leg whipped him with first her left, then her right leg (which did NOT follow her scouting report) and shoved the Bieg guy to the turf.
Bieg howled that his eyes hurt and that the match was not fair. The Nasty Newlywed agreed. So she grabbed Bieg by the collar and took him directly down the hidden hallway into the women's restroom. Mathis plunged Bieg's head into the toilet and flushed, smacking his ears each time he went under. Yes, I said each time, as the Clapping Swirlee maneuver took shape. Mathis roared back to tie the matchup at 7-7.
Bieg shook his hair like an angry dog. For a few minutes, the power went out as a surge of anger charged through the first floor of the Rawlings Group. The two combatants lunged out of the bathroom and back into the office area, trading powerful snorts and cackles. The score stood tied at 10-10.
Suddenly, Bieg ran out of steam. He dropped to a knee, needing to catch his breath. Mathis, however, cranked up the Air Supply on her stereo and gave Bieg a 10 minute Billy Blanks Tae-Bo routine interspersing kicks with a few drop punches. Bieg couldn't believe it. He had fallen to Mathis 16-10. Mathis meanwhile deposited Mr Bieg in the same pile of discards where she had left Brian Scheele two weeks ago.
Mathis advances to the Sweet 16 to meet the winner of the next matchup: Ryan "Retail Rhino" Brady versus Dave "Italian Stalian" Bommarito.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Uncomfortable UFC developments
This is getting out of control...
Reports out of the Live Action region are stating that #2 Seed Brian Hoying has stolen clothing from top seed Dennis "Bat Man" Turner. No confirmation yet as to what clothing it is, but this is most certainly a power play between the top two seeds.
And... Reports from the upper floors of Rawlings have Big Dan Bieg getting restless for his matchup in the UFC. He supposedly slide tackled a base and a small man in a field in Kirkwood... again, information is sketchy here.
Please, Keep it clean. and save it for the ring.
Reports out of the Live Action region are stating that #2 Seed Brian Hoying has stolen clothing from top seed Dennis "Bat Man" Turner. No confirmation yet as to what clothing it is, but this is most certainly a power play between the top two seeds.
And... Reports from the upper floors of Rawlings have Big Dan Bieg getting restless for his matchup in the UFC. He supposedly slide tackled a base and a small man in a field in Kirkwood... again, information is sketchy here.
Please, Keep it clean. and save it for the ring.
Come on Ride the Train
Welcome to the Art Chou, Train of Pain.
Art "Clubber Wang" Chou didn't waste any time getting things going. Chou came into the battle with his entire body hidden, except for his head -- a look he's used to scare tens of thousands who have seen him on WorthSports.com. Chou also wore a mouthpiece, complete with a false gold tooth, for extra effect and to eliminate any opportunity of needing plastic surgery from a Liverar beating.
"Buff" Liz Liverar knew the rest of Chou's body was somewhere, and she peered around the strange curtain looking for some sort of clue... But what she found instead was a swift kick to the head.
Make that 4 kicks.
Liz stumbled backwards, grabbing the curtain and revealing the robotic system Art had built in his "tech center" (which as he puts it is empty. don't even bother visiting. there is nothing to see there... except a robot that customizes the swing you need to whack someone upside the head).
Chou was a bit embarassed, having himself revealed, and clung to a 4-2 lead when the robotic swings kicked in. Calibrating Liverar's height and speed tendencies and running them through a strange algorithm which found the ideal permutation of length/width/torque needed to deliver ultimate pain. Clubber Wang staked himself to a 7-2 lead and it was looking to be another romp.
Then, into the ring came Ted Sizemore. Sizemore sprinted onto the scene, dove to his right, took down Chou (and Liverar for good measure) with a combination of speed and frenzy not seen out of Sizemore since his rookie year in 1947. The old guy still has it. He flexed his muscles and took the rest of the fight off.
With no more robotic arms to deal with, Liverar and Chou traded smacks, with Chou held a 12-7 lead. The match was nearly complete when Carol "Off the" Mark came into the fight. She took one look at Liverar and said "This is how you do it", while grabbing Chou's head and slamming it ever so gently into the copier. (she did make one copy - black and white) She put the copy into her pocket and headed back upstairs.
Dazed and confused, Chou delivered an eery, uncomfortable chuckle and gave Liverar one final ticket (and/or face) punching for the Train of Pain.
Chou, Chou.
Clubber Wang Chou wins 14-7-1-1 over Liverar, Mark, and Sizemore. He advances to meet Brian Hoying in round 2.
Up Next:
We begin the round of 32:
Wendy "The Nasty Newlywed Mathis" versus Big Dan Bieg.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
Art "Clubber Wang" Chou didn't waste any time getting things going. Chou came into the battle with his entire body hidden, except for his head -- a look he's used to scare tens of thousands who have seen him on WorthSports.com. Chou also wore a mouthpiece, complete with a false gold tooth, for extra effect and to eliminate any opportunity of needing plastic surgery from a Liverar beating.
"Buff" Liz Liverar knew the rest of Chou's body was somewhere, and she peered around the strange curtain looking for some sort of clue... But what she found instead was a swift kick to the head.
Make that 4 kicks.
Liz stumbled backwards, grabbing the curtain and revealing the robotic system Art had built in his "tech center" (which as he puts it is empty. don't even bother visiting. there is nothing to see there... except a robot that customizes the swing you need to whack someone upside the head).
Chou was a bit embarassed, having himself revealed, and clung to a 4-2 lead when the robotic swings kicked in. Calibrating Liverar's height and speed tendencies and running them through a strange algorithm which found the ideal permutation of length/width/torque needed to deliver ultimate pain. Clubber Wang staked himself to a 7-2 lead and it was looking to be another romp.
Then, into the ring came Ted Sizemore. Sizemore sprinted onto the scene, dove to his right, took down Chou (and Liverar for good measure) with a combination of speed and frenzy not seen out of Sizemore since his rookie year in 1947. The old guy still has it. He flexed his muscles and took the rest of the fight off.
With no more robotic arms to deal with, Liverar and Chou traded smacks, with Chou held a 12-7 lead. The match was nearly complete when Carol "Off the" Mark came into the fight. She took one look at Liverar and said "This is how you do it", while grabbing Chou's head and slamming it ever so gently into the copier. (she did make one copy - black and white) She put the copy into her pocket and headed back upstairs.
Dazed and confused, Chou delivered an eery, uncomfortable chuckle and gave Liverar one final ticket (and/or face) punching for the Train of Pain.
Chou, Chou.
Clubber Wang Chou wins 14-7-1-1 over Liverar, Mark, and Sizemore. He advances to meet Brian Hoying in round 2.
Up Next:
We begin the round of 32:
Wendy "The Nasty Newlywed Mathis" versus Big Dan Bieg.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Biju Goes on a Date, UFC style
We really should consider a better sort of St Louis orientation... and I don't endorse the orientation given today.
Biju "Miken Pain Express" Mathew moved to St Louis just in time for the UFC. Unfortunately for him, he ran into what we know around the office simply as "Big Sexy." The two combatants met in the newly-renovated UFC Development Center, out in Weldon Springs. Biju came complete with some of the fanciest machinery, from cannons to scales to x rays - and able to test anything... but they were not ready for the test headed in their direction.
Big Sexy emerged from a cloud of smoke, decked out in Christmas lights and leaving little to the imagination of his startled prey. He quickly approached while Biju aimed the air cannon. The Pain Express is the kind of combatant you might fear running into in the UFC - full of unexpected surprises and the fact that he had carefully placed a series of air cannons at strategic angles to direct an energy field at Whiteside sounded perfect. But perfect can't prepare you for this... Matthew aimed the cannon and staked to an early 1-1 tie.
But an air cannon is no match for Big Sexy.
Big Sexy approached and gave him a full dose of what could best be described as by the Hula Hoop maneuver - thrusting his chest and hips into the startled Mathew over and over again to the tune of a Lee Lummus-like beating. Around and around Big Sexy rumbled. By the time Big Sexy's Hula Hooping barrage was over, Matthew laid on the air cannon and stared dazzled in disbelief... and a 21-2 defeat.
Big Sexy Whiteside advances to meet Curtis "Bambi" Cruz in the next round.
Up Next:
Art "Clubber Wang" Chou vs "Buff" Liz Liverar
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
Biju "Miken Pain Express" Mathew moved to St Louis just in time for the UFC. Unfortunately for him, he ran into what we know around the office simply as "Big Sexy." The two combatants met in the newly-renovated UFC Development Center, out in Weldon Springs. Biju came complete with some of the fanciest machinery, from cannons to scales to x rays - and able to test anything... but they were not ready for the test headed in their direction.
Big Sexy emerged from a cloud of smoke, decked out in Christmas lights and leaving little to the imagination of his startled prey. He quickly approached while Biju aimed the air cannon. The Pain Express is the kind of combatant you might fear running into in the UFC - full of unexpected surprises and the fact that he had carefully placed a series of air cannons at strategic angles to direct an energy field at Whiteside sounded perfect. But perfect can't prepare you for this... Matthew aimed the cannon and staked to an early 1-1 tie.
But an air cannon is no match for Big Sexy.
Big Sexy approached and gave him a full dose of what could best be described as by the Hula Hoop maneuver - thrusting his chest and hips into the startled Mathew over and over again to the tune of a Lee Lummus-like beating. Around and around Big Sexy rumbled. By the time Big Sexy's Hula Hooping barrage was over, Matthew laid on the air cannon and stared dazzled in disbelief... and a 21-2 defeat.
Big Sexy Whiteside advances to meet Curtis "Bambi" Cruz in the next round.
Up Next:
Art "Clubber Wang" Chou vs "Buff" Liz Liverar
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
The Old Dog Can Still Hunt
12th Seeded O'Connor Slays #5 Kraemer in UFC Upset
The O'C is not on reruns right now.
Jim "The Silent Assassin" O'Connor quietly surveyed the office landscape. Peering through his binoculars he squatted around 10 feet away from the main lobby entrance waiting for his prey to arrive. And dressed in full camo, with his silent slippers on, trust me when I say no one (not even the Verizon security guards) knew of his presence.
Meanwhile, Cosmo Kraemer arrived at work after a late night of daydreaming about bouquets and requests for his DJ.
What happened next wasn't pretty -- it resembled the Discovery Show programs about an animal stalking its prey. The Assassin crept in and began to blow ever so calmly onto Kraemer's neck. Cosmo turned around and was greated by the fist of the Assassin. (and he was greeted several times) 4-0 O'Conner.
Kraemer though, is used to dealing with surprise attacks and last minute fire drills. He dusted himself off and began using some of the dance moves he's been perfecting in anticipation of his wedding reception. A little Rumba Rumble later and we found ourselves in a 6-4 dogfight.
Then the assassin disappeared. Kraemer plopped down in his chair, completely unaware that the assassin had moved in under his desk. Jim began spinning the chair into a fury and smacking Kraemer each time he spun his way. For Cosmo, it was like he was trapped in a blender. O'Connor roared to a 12-6 lead.
And nothing Kraemer could do (not even trying to allow his fiancee into the ring -- which mind you is illegal in the world of UFC) could stop the Assassin. O'Connor prevailed 15-7 and advances to meet #4 Ryan "Intern Ninja" Farrar in the next round. 12 seeds ended the first round 2-2 against their #5 opposition...
Next up:
Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside versus Biju "Miken Pain Express" Matthew.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
The O'C is not on reruns right now.
Jim "The Silent Assassin" O'Connor quietly surveyed the office landscape. Peering through his binoculars he squatted around 10 feet away from the main lobby entrance waiting for his prey to arrive. And dressed in full camo, with his silent slippers on, trust me when I say no one (not even the Verizon security guards) knew of his presence.
Meanwhile, Cosmo Kraemer arrived at work after a late night of daydreaming about bouquets and requests for his DJ.
What happened next wasn't pretty -- it resembled the Discovery Show programs about an animal stalking its prey. The Assassin crept in and began to blow ever so calmly onto Kraemer's neck. Cosmo turned around and was greated by the fist of the Assassin. (and he was greeted several times) 4-0 O'Conner.
Kraemer though, is used to dealing with surprise attacks and last minute fire drills. He dusted himself off and began using some of the dance moves he's been perfecting in anticipation of his wedding reception. A little Rumba Rumble later and we found ourselves in a 6-4 dogfight.
Then the assassin disappeared. Kraemer plopped down in his chair, completely unaware that the assassin had moved in under his desk. Jim began spinning the chair into a fury and smacking Kraemer each time he spun his way. For Cosmo, it was like he was trapped in a blender. O'Connor roared to a 12-6 lead.
And nothing Kraemer could do (not even trying to allow his fiancee into the ring -- which mind you is illegal in the world of UFC) could stop the Assassin. O'Connor prevailed 15-7 and advances to meet #4 Ryan "Intern Ninja" Farrar in the next round. 12 seeds ended the first round 2-2 against their #5 opposition...
Next up:
Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside versus Biju "Miken Pain Express" Matthew.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Monday, August 07, 2006
A Pro Battle for the Ages hits the UFC
This one was downright crazy.
"Barb Wire" Foerstel got in early, as usual. She had taken the week off to walk a marathon and for last minute body building/battle training and was surprised to see Kate "El Conquistador" Ranzini nursing a wounded knee and ankle. (Sources could not confirm or deny Foerstel's role in Ranzini's 'accident'). Foerstel immediately went to work on the wounded leg - putting Ranzini into the Hungarian Pretzel position so that she could work the leg in painful shifts of direction. Foerstel romped to an early 4-0 lead.
Ranzini lurched free with one angry swoop (and a head but that was nearly lethal thanks to that wireless headset). The two were locked in a face off, with Foerstel maintaining a 4-2 lead.
Both of these women have the potential to advance through the bracket, as both have experience dealing with adversity. And what happened next is tough to describe. It was like something out of a Super Hero cartoon -- Foerstel picked up the copier and heaved it at Ranzini who actually caught it in mid air, did a 180 turn, pulled out a stack of paper from one of the drawers, and whacked Barb with it -- giving her the paper cut of the century and notting the score up at 10-10.
The commotion got the sudden attention of Ted Sizemore, who appeared quickly to see what the commotion was, wacked both ladies in the head with his curling iron, and exited the room.
Foerstel was stunned at the occurance, but Ranzini was not -- she used the distraction as the ultimate opportunity to seize victory - giving five consecutive thunderclaps to the head and running away with a 15-10-1 victory over Foerstel and Sizemore.
Ranzini advances to meet Dennis "Bat Man" Turner in the next round.
Next up: Mark "Creamer" Kraemer vs Jim "The Silent Assassin" O'Connor
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
"Barb Wire" Foerstel got in early, as usual. She had taken the week off to walk a marathon and for last minute body building/battle training and was surprised to see Kate "El Conquistador" Ranzini nursing a wounded knee and ankle. (Sources could not confirm or deny Foerstel's role in Ranzini's 'accident'). Foerstel immediately went to work on the wounded leg - putting Ranzini into the Hungarian Pretzel position so that she could work the leg in painful shifts of direction. Foerstel romped to an early 4-0 lead.
Ranzini lurched free with one angry swoop (and a head but that was nearly lethal thanks to that wireless headset). The two were locked in a face off, with Foerstel maintaining a 4-2 lead.
Both of these women have the potential to advance through the bracket, as both have experience dealing with adversity. And what happened next is tough to describe. It was like something out of a Super Hero cartoon -- Foerstel picked up the copier and heaved it at Ranzini who actually caught it in mid air, did a 180 turn, pulled out a stack of paper from one of the drawers, and whacked Barb with it -- giving her the paper cut of the century and notting the score up at 10-10.
The commotion got the sudden attention of Ted Sizemore, who appeared quickly to see what the commotion was, wacked both ladies in the head with his curling iron, and exited the room.
Foerstel was stunned at the occurance, but Ranzini was not -- she used the distraction as the ultimate opportunity to seize victory - giving five consecutive thunderclaps to the head and running away with a 15-10-1 victory over Foerstel and Sizemore.
Ranzini advances to meet Dennis "Bat Man" Turner in the next round.
Next up: Mark "Creamer" Kraemer vs Jim "The Silent Assassin" O'Connor
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Rawlings UFC in the News Update
Some recent headlines from our beloved UFC:
Zoomy to be Tested for Testosterone Levels
After thrashing (former) intern Jason Russell, cyclist/warrior David Zumbach will be tested for testosterone levels this week. The UFC, unlike the world cycling circuit, is one based on innocent until proven guilty, so no matter how much facial hair Zumbach is able to grow this week, he is innocent as of now.
Report: Schoen and Tomaszewski have Writer's Block
Ben Schoen and Bob Tomaszewski have been suffering from a bout of writer's block. This reporter certainly hopes they are able to recover prior to the end of this year's circuit.
Elrod to Request Permission to Continue in UFC
Seth Elrod will be asking permission from his wife-to-be Erika to continue in the UFC. Erika's concerns have centered on the late night bodybuilding sessions taking place in a rented building near the outlet malls in Warrenton. No doubt her other concerns lie in the fact that Elrod will be tangling with a man known only as Leerrrroyy.
Turner Sprains Bicep while Flexing
Dennis "BatMan" Turner reportedly sprained his left bicep while flexing in the mirror of the first floor bathroom at the Rawlings Group. DT is reportedly growing anxious and restless as he awaits his matchup on August 29th. His right bicep though remains in tact.
Zoomy to be Tested for Testosterone Levels
After thrashing (former) intern Jason Russell, cyclist/warrior David Zumbach will be tested for testosterone levels this week. The UFC, unlike the world cycling circuit, is one based on innocent until proven guilty, so no matter how much facial hair Zumbach is able to grow this week, he is innocent as of now.
Report: Schoen and Tomaszewski have Writer's Block
Ben Schoen and Bob Tomaszewski have been suffering from a bout of writer's block. This reporter certainly hopes they are able to recover prior to the end of this year's circuit.
Elrod to Request Permission to Continue in UFC
Seth Elrod will be asking permission from his wife-to-be Erika to continue in the UFC. Erika's concerns have centered on the late night bodybuilding sessions taking place in a rented building near the outlet malls in Warrenton. No doubt her other concerns lie in the fact that Elrod will be tangling with a man known only as Leerrrroyy.
Turner Sprains Bicep while Flexing
Dennis "BatMan" Turner reportedly sprained his left bicep while flexing in the mirror of the first floor bathroom at the Rawlings Group. DT is reportedly growing anxious and restless as he awaits his matchup on August 29th. His right bicep though remains in tact.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Power Play: VP takes on (former) intern
David "Zoomy" or "No Bonx" Zumbach was extra ready for his matchup on Friday. He opened up his drawer and pulled out his favorite Jalapeno Pepper socks hoping that they would give him that extra special spicy kick he needed to rock a former intern's world. (He knew his Dragon Fly socks wouldn't bring the heat he needed) He then stepped up onto his bike and took off at full speed towards a bewildered intern, Jason Russell, who apparently was wandering through the Rawlings parking lot.
Splam.
Zoomy leapt from his bike and began to attack with a series of slaps to the face and jalapeno kicks to the side. Russell turned, and gave a smile (the kind that says, I can take anything you want, as long as it ends up with extending my internship)... Zumbach did not acknowledge the smile. But did acknowledge a 7-0 lead as he brought in one last thunder whip to the side.
Zoomy hopped back onto his bike. Russell though, had learned how best to get to Zumbach when he is on his bike -- from afar. He took off running and then hoisted a full can of Mountain Dew at Zumbach - knocking him from his bike and bringing the matchup a bit closer at 8-5.
Zumbach responded by flashing the kind of fearlessness last unveiled when he ran crossing routes in his college days at BCU - cold cocking Russell to the turf/parking lot and standing above him with a sort of quiet swagger, along with a 10-6 lead.
For some crazy reason though, we saw a quick appearance in the battle zone by a man who looked remarkably like the crazy hippie who last interrupted a fight among interns a week or so ago... except this warrior had a new battle haircut... but there can be only one warrior with White-Out brand shoes, right? Jeff "Schizo-Frantic" France came into the scene, gave four quick knees to the head of the somewhat wavering (former) intern Russell, and dashed off to his car.
Zoomy cackled quietly and left to the tune of a 11-6 victory over Russell. Credit France with a bonus 4 points as he preps for a future battle in the Looking Pretty region...
Zumbach advances to meet Scott "Big Tuna" Siebers in the next round.
Next Matchup:
Kate "El Conquistador" Ranzini versus Barb "Barb Wire" Foerstel
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
Splam.
Zoomy leapt from his bike and began to attack with a series of slaps to the face and jalapeno kicks to the side. Russell turned, and gave a smile (the kind that says, I can take anything you want, as long as it ends up with extending my internship)... Zumbach did not acknowledge the smile. But did acknowledge a 7-0 lead as he brought in one last thunder whip to the side.
Zoomy hopped back onto his bike. Russell though, had learned how best to get to Zumbach when he is on his bike -- from afar. He took off running and then hoisted a full can of Mountain Dew at Zumbach - knocking him from his bike and bringing the matchup a bit closer at 8-5.
Zumbach responded by flashing the kind of fearlessness last unveiled when he ran crossing routes in his college days at BCU - cold cocking Russell to the turf/parking lot and standing above him with a sort of quiet swagger, along with a 10-6 lead.
For some crazy reason though, we saw a quick appearance in the battle zone by a man who looked remarkably like the crazy hippie who last interrupted a fight among interns a week or so ago... except this warrior had a new battle haircut... but there can be only one warrior with White-Out brand shoes, right? Jeff "Schizo-Frantic" France came into the scene, gave four quick knees to the head of the somewhat wavering (former) intern Russell, and dashed off to his car.
Zoomy cackled quietly and left to the tune of a 11-6 victory over Russell. Credit France with a bonus 4 points as he preps for a future battle in the Looking Pretty region...
Zumbach advances to meet Scott "Big Tuna" Siebers in the next round.
Next Matchup:
Kate "El Conquistador" Ranzini versus Barb "Barb Wire" Foerstel
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good Luck.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Battle of the Product Managers
Scott "Mayo" Keene came dressed in his finest Primo Ox Blood Leather chaps. Dan "the great Adam" Cullinane countered with a luxurious yet billowing robe made from the finest Cool Flo material.
Keene struck first. First he poured a glass of Merlot for Cullinane. Then he flipped the TV on and cradled up next to Cullinane on the Rawlings Glove Chair and went for the move that has been the only known weakness for Mr Cullinane -- he put him into the snuggling position. Cuddled up next to Cullinane, Keene began to apply the gentle pressure to The Great Adam's ribs - eaking out a 2.500 - 1.500 lead.
Now as a side note for those less informed, any match involving Cullinane will be reported to the third decimal point.
Cullinane stood up quickly (obviously unaffected thanks to the CoolFlo material, which whisks away moisture while also allowing stagnant air to circulate quickly) and began to pelt away at the lumbering Keene). Dan looked at his spread sheet of pressure points, calculated Keene's weak spots to the third decimal point, and went to work. He tackled Keene to the turf and picked him back up, in a wheel barrow maneuver. Keene (now missing his glasses) struggled to react - finding himself in a tough to get out of 8.500- 3.500 hole.
Keene reached into his back pocket and pulled out those extra Mayo packets he keeps just in case of emergency and squirted one at the Great Adam -- enough to help him edge back to a 9.500 - 6.500 deficit. Cullinane shook this off quickly and began to pile drive Keene into the ground and storm to a 13.500 - 7.500 victory.
Cullinane advances to meet his second man of leather Travis "Lady Liberty" Gessley in the next round.
Next up:
David "Zoomy, No Bonyx" Zumbach versus Jason "Are the Interns still around" Russell
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
Keene struck first. First he poured a glass of Merlot for Cullinane. Then he flipped the TV on and cradled up next to Cullinane on the Rawlings Glove Chair and went for the move that has been the only known weakness for Mr Cullinane -- he put him into the snuggling position. Cuddled up next to Cullinane, Keene began to apply the gentle pressure to The Great Adam's ribs - eaking out a 2.500 - 1.500 lead.
Now as a side note for those less informed, any match involving Cullinane will be reported to the third decimal point.
Cullinane stood up quickly (obviously unaffected thanks to the CoolFlo material, which whisks away moisture while also allowing stagnant air to circulate quickly) and began to pelt away at the lumbering Keene). Dan looked at his spread sheet of pressure points, calculated Keene's weak spots to the third decimal point, and went to work. He tackled Keene to the turf and picked him back up, in a wheel barrow maneuver. Keene (now missing his glasses) struggled to react - finding himself in a tough to get out of 8.500- 3.500 hole.
Keene reached into his back pocket and pulled out those extra Mayo packets he keeps just in case of emergency and squirted one at the Great Adam -- enough to help him edge back to a 9.500 - 6.500 deficit. Cullinane shook this off quickly and began to pile drive Keene into the ground and storm to a 13.500 - 7.500 victory.
Cullinane advances to meet his second man of leather Travis "Lady Liberty" Gessley in the next round.
Next up:
David "Zoomy, No Bonyx" Zumbach versus Jason "Are the Interns still around" Russell
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
A Fashion Walk Off
The Ultimate Style Show
Derek "Zoolander" (also known as the Pretty Lady) Speicher vs. Ron "100% Cotton" Hilson. Rawlings Apparel versus Hilton Apparel in a battle for the ages... or for the love of Tim Cronin, at least...
Now you might think based merely on nicknames alone, Speicher in a laugher. I mean, 100% cotton? How soft must Ron be? But, according to an unknown source at Petco, Hilton apparel isn't necessarily as soft as they would prefer. And when you add in an unknown source close to Speicher leaking that Derek actually rather preferred to take a beating and you end up with the ultimate window show...
In true fashion, Speicher and Hilson abandoned the traditional fighting techniques we have all come to love and challenged each other to a fashion walk off, runway style. The two chose the dark hallway between HR and the rest of the company, hooked up some tunes, and began to go to work.
After taking brief turns attempting to mess up each other's hair (and throw off the image), we saw a 3-3 tie. Then Speicher hit the runway. He partially tucked in his shirt - the left side only - and began to strut. He stopped halfway through the runway, posed against the wall, and began his rump shimmy - driving Hilson into a momentary daze and giving the Pretty Lady a 5-3 lead.
Hilson responded. He slung his Hilton "Fenton" Jacket over his shoulder and began a giddy hop of his own. Towards the mid point of the runway, he switched arms and gave a look he's been working on since he began working with Bensing - he calls it the Brown Phoenix - complete with a watery tear. Speicher felt a lump in his throat as he saw the score tighten to 5-4.
Derek next began by shifting outfits (borrowing a t shirt that somehow passed the dress code) and began a series of struts and pumps that made Hilson a bit weak in the knees. Hilson stumbled backwards as the Pretty Lady paused for a little Roboto movements and an ever so cautious stroke of his chin. Make that two strokes. And opening up an 11-4 lead.
Hilson knew it was time to dust off the moves developed in Alabama -- he gave Derek that look -- the kind one only sees in Alabama, (no word on if Derek liked it or not), and moved the game closer: 11-6. Speicher responded with his Magnum move - a stare that he normally reserves only for interns or waitresses, a look that was enough to put him up 12-7.
Hilson came back - brushing Derek's arm from his side and responding by unbuttoning two more buttons of his shirt (yes i did say more) and giving a bit of a motor boat to Derek - not quite enough but enough to end the game at 12-11 Speicher.
Speicher advances to meet Tim "Weekend Warrior" Lord in the next round.
Next matchup: Dan "The Great Adam" Cullinane vs Scott Milano "Mayo" Keene.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Derek "Zoolander" (also known as the Pretty Lady) Speicher vs. Ron "100% Cotton" Hilson. Rawlings Apparel versus Hilton Apparel in a battle for the ages... or for the love of Tim Cronin, at least...
Now you might think based merely on nicknames alone, Speicher in a laugher. I mean, 100% cotton? How soft must Ron be? But, according to an unknown source at Petco, Hilton apparel isn't necessarily as soft as they would prefer. And when you add in an unknown source close to Speicher leaking that Derek actually rather preferred to take a beating and you end up with the ultimate window show...
In true fashion, Speicher and Hilson abandoned the traditional fighting techniques we have all come to love and challenged each other to a fashion walk off, runway style. The two chose the dark hallway between HR and the rest of the company, hooked up some tunes, and began to go to work.
After taking brief turns attempting to mess up each other's hair (and throw off the image), we saw a 3-3 tie. Then Speicher hit the runway. He partially tucked in his shirt - the left side only - and began to strut. He stopped halfway through the runway, posed against the wall, and began his rump shimmy - driving Hilson into a momentary daze and giving the Pretty Lady a 5-3 lead.
Hilson responded. He slung his Hilton "Fenton" Jacket over his shoulder and began a giddy hop of his own. Towards the mid point of the runway, he switched arms and gave a look he's been working on since he began working with Bensing - he calls it the Brown Phoenix - complete with a watery tear. Speicher felt a lump in his throat as he saw the score tighten to 5-4.
Derek next began by shifting outfits (borrowing a t shirt that somehow passed the dress code) and began a series of struts and pumps that made Hilson a bit weak in the knees. Hilson stumbled backwards as the Pretty Lady paused for a little Roboto movements and an ever so cautious stroke of his chin. Make that two strokes. And opening up an 11-4 lead.
Hilson knew it was time to dust off the moves developed in Alabama -- he gave Derek that look -- the kind one only sees in Alabama, (no word on if Derek liked it or not), and moved the game closer: 11-6. Speicher responded with his Magnum move - a stare that he normally reserves only for interns or waitresses, a look that was enough to put him up 12-7.
Hilson came back - brushing Derek's arm from his side and responding by unbuttoning two more buttons of his shirt (yes i did say more) and giving a bit of a motor boat to Derek - not quite enough but enough to end the game at 12-11 Speicher.
Speicher advances to meet Tim "Weekend Warrior" Lord in the next round.
Next matchup: Dan "The Great Adam" Cullinane vs Scott Milano "Mayo" Keene.
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Intern receives pink slip, or should it say black and blue slip?
Brian Correnti stood in front of the audience of his intern peers this afternoon. He spoke of the good times he had, and the lessons he learned. Perhaps he should have included the lesson he learned today about what happens when he runs into a battle-tested Hilton warrior.... SPLAT.
Correnti and Bensing traded spars early on - with a 2-2 draw early on. But Matt "SENB" Bensing does not go down early. He is battle tested and knows exactly how to withstand those small attacks that might come his way... Bensing approached Correnti head-on. He quickly spun Correnti backwards by putting on the Hilton Death Grip. And then he went for it: the move not yet seen in a UFC battle. And one that (unfortunately) had to debut in an intern/employee battle. The atomic wedgie.
It is extremely difficult to recover from such a move. Correnti tried admirably. He squirmed and wiggled. But the more he squirmed, the more Bensing tugged. And then he broke. The result: a 10-2 Bensing lead.
To his credit, Correnti tried to take a couple of late shots at Bensing - and actually scored a few points. But it was too little, too late and Bensing is the winner 13-5.
Bensing advances to the next round where Ron "Foot of Fury" Kappauff awaits. Although Ron's old nickname, "Lots of Buns" seems a more fitting matchup for Bensing and his atomic wedgie maneuvers...
Next matchup;
Ron "100% Cotton" Hilson vs Derek "Pretty Lady" Speicher
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
Correnti and Bensing traded spars early on - with a 2-2 draw early on. But Matt "SENB" Bensing does not go down early. He is battle tested and knows exactly how to withstand those small attacks that might come his way... Bensing approached Correnti head-on. He quickly spun Correnti backwards by putting on the Hilton Death Grip. And then he went for it: the move not yet seen in a UFC battle. And one that (unfortunately) had to debut in an intern/employee battle. The atomic wedgie.
It is extremely difficult to recover from such a move. Correnti tried admirably. He squirmed and wiggled. But the more he squirmed, the more Bensing tugged. And then he broke. The result: a 10-2 Bensing lead.
To his credit, Correnti tried to take a couple of late shots at Bensing - and actually scored a few points. But it was too little, too late and Bensing is the winner 13-5.
Bensing advances to the next round where Ron "Foot of Fury" Kappauff awaits. Although Ron's old nickname, "Lots of Buns" seems a more fitting matchup for Bensing and his atomic wedgie maneuvers...
Next matchup;
Ron "100% Cotton" Hilson vs Derek "Pretty Lady" Speicher
Email your vote to RawlingsUFC@hotmail.com
Good luck.
