Halftime's over punks. Both D.Whiteside and J.Voorhees drank a couple gallons of Gatorade and ate a couple chili cheese dogs (they were out of manburgers) to power up for the second half while the Rawlings UFC creator, Mr. Andy Pawlowski, (he's not only a fighter, but the President) pumped up the crowd with a rousing speech. "I remember when I first started this........." snooze-fest.
Whiteside threw everyone for a not-so-pleasant loop when he came out of the locker room dressed as one of his positions….his most favorite position….dragqueen. J2 was scared b/c he's been burned by dragqueens before (they just wont shut their mouths), but he was ready to seek some revenge. Denny received the first point of the half for talking in an extra sexy girly voice when he entered the ring. Whiteside extends 19.5-14.5-2 over Voorhees and Baer.
Unfortunately for both J2 and Big Sexy, this only attracted Big John Grizzly Baer to the ring once again. He snatched Denny up like a salmon in a stream and tossed him out of the ring. He reached for J2 and J2 just jumped out, deciding it would probably make the Grizzly happier if he didn't attempt to catch himself….at all. John gains 2 points and some forest cred (since bears don't need street cred).
J-to-the-two, though in pain, was still thinking of ways to get points. He figured this was his chance. Whiteside was tugging at his pantyhose and the Grizz was taunting the Maryville employees, so J2 jumped at the chance. He sprinted over to Denny used his own sheep sheers (France pees his pants everytime those things come out) and shaved all of Denny's hair except his goatee. J2 then yelled "Brother" and hugged that big juicy hunk of man with a side of white. Score: Whiteside 19.5, Lark Voorhies 15.5, Grizzly Adams 4.
Baer was furious that he didn't get in on this hugging, so he grew into a Kodiak (Farrar starts salivating) and went after the fighters once again. He picked J2 and DW up and spun them around like a top (note that Denny still has a skirt on at this point and its fully extended like a ballerina twirling). Baer starting disco dancing around them….just because its fun to dance. He danced with one, then the other, then by himself like the drunk girl at the party, and then danced to the scorers table and gave himself some more points. (You should be picturing lights lower, disco ball, and a dance routine by the Maryville employees going on at this point). The Kodiak/Grizzly shimmied back to the middle of the ring and stopped the twirlers. Score: Whiteside 19.5, J2 15.5, Baer 9. Could a non-ufcer take the match?
J2 and Denny were both dizzy, but its time to team up and get this Baer out of the ring and send him back to the Tech center den where he came from. (Where last week I actually witnessed a fight between a garage door and a forklift, ha.) Whiteside and J2 held hands (no that's nothing unusual) and ran towards Baer giving him the classic clothesline move….we'll give both fighters a point for that one. Denny and J2 then totally nailed the Top Gun high-then-back-down-low-five for another half point each.
Score: Whiteside 21, J2 17, Baer 9 as we near the end of the second annual Rawlings UFC. (don't get too excited though b/c there are still plenty of points left in this title match).
Its at this point in the match that you can see in the fighters eyes who really wants it (like Williams when an entire sheet cake sits in the graphics dept.) It was go time.
Johnny Baery went nuts. He kicked J2, he kicked Denny, he kicked Robert (Oops), he kicked one of Sizemore's old 1970's lamps (watch it, that's a collectors item), and kicked himself in the nose with his knee. (Have you ever done that when youre kicking something real hard? It sucks). He gave an eye-jab and then a vulgar and insulting signal to the Crowd. Baer has taken more attention away from the fighters than Puffy does to Biggy in all his videos. He earns a bunch of points for this, but then goes into hibernation right before he finished off the fighters.
Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside stood up, dusted himself off, looked at the scorers table and rubbed his eyes. Could his dream have just came true? He read the score outloud….J2 had 17, the Grizzly had 15, and GO CRAZY FOLKS, GO CRAZY!! Denny ran around the office crying as his mascara also ran. Being Big and Sexy for this long finally paid off!! Denny Whiteside is the winner of the 2007 Rawlings UFC. Congratualtions.
Good job to all the fighters this year and all the fans out there. Stop by Denny's cube and ask him what he won. You'll be impressed….trust me.
That's all folks. Play with as much fire as you want, who cares.
Oh, and second place is the first loser. No Fear.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
UFC Title Game Begins.
That's right, it is half time of your 2007 UFC title match. The perfect time to settle down for a nice Man Burger and a glass of Monavie. (shrimp flavored)
It's Halloween season, the perfect time for Jason Voorhees. But let me tell you, Denny has seen like every Halloween movie. And he isn't scared. This is a matchup of office super powers. Of movers and shakers. (sometimes equal amounts of both) Voorhees once worked for 3 years as an unpaid intern. (side note: the intern program is now only 11 weeks). Whiteside once worked 3 shifts, only one of which was paid.
This matchup started a long time ago. You see, Denny has another job. Well, several. At Rawlings, he has at last count 14 positions that he currently handles:
Glove R&D Developer
K2 Hall of Fame star maker/thrower
Glove Graphic Designer
Glove Break in Supervisor
Night Watchman
Glove Assistant Product manager
Historian
Security Guard
Inventor
Judge (when disagreements arise between Williams and Farrar)
Actor (starred in Glove Busters and a Cooperstown video, along with past videos that cannot be spoken of)
Sheep Shearer
Inspector #3
Drag Queen (I might recommend staying home on Halloween)
What? Glove Graphic designer? Yes, that's right. This UFC battle has been brewing ever since Whiteside bought a street version of PhotoShop in China on a R&D trip. Denny brings it out to design and develop glove specs, as he puts it. Call it like you want to, but this battle started out as a good old fashioned Graphics Bake Off.
Voorhees brought it early. A tasty concoction of graphics that took some name marketing dreamed up and made it look cool. He then printed it, put it on a bat, and made 16 tee shirt concepts to promote it. Voorhees led 3-0.
Whiteside countered, sending an email overnight (apparently Denny hasn't yet realized he doesn't have to work both during US business hours and Tri Phil business hours) to his Tri Phil attack partners and they sourced a new product concept which was in our offices by noon. 4-3 Whiteside.
John "Grizzly" Baer entered the fray. Apparently he was not happy with either design. While they might look cool, they just weren't practical. His head shake told it all. But then he went in for his patented move, the "Baer" Hug. Wow. This was a painful and awkward move that we just should have seen coming. 2 points for Baer.
Whiteside went back to work, this time shearing a sheep (which he stole from J2 who was obviously busy counting them) and making it into a fluffy yet fashionable coat of armor. Whiteside led 9.5 - 3.5.
Voorhees responded, by ripping away one of his long sleeves. We all knew Voorhees was up for fighting when he showed up for work in a long-sleeved shirt. Long sleeves, you see, are professional, and nicely hide his intimidating man muscles.... and tattoos. As Denny turned to see what that strange noise was, making a ripping sound, Voorhees hit him up (white) side the head with his fully sleeved arm. A nice move on the disco floor and a nice move in the UFC. and, yes, he jazz handed in celebration. This match evened tight at 9.5-8.5 Denny.
Whiteside came back, hitting Voorhees with a thunderous smack from his palm. (no, he didn't feel it. Whiteside had invented a way to insert his hand into the punch that removed the pressure from his thumb - eliminating any possibility of a bone bruise. He then unrolled a huge sheath of leather (not sure if that is proper glove lingo or not), turned Voorhees into a stamp, and pressed out a nice leather version of our graphics prodigy. Whiteside extended a comfy 15.5-8.5 lead.
Voorhees though took that leather and turned it into a battle cape - wearing it more proudly than (almost) anyone had ever worn leather in the office. This battle armor tightened the gap to 15.5-10.5 . As his graphics peers designed battle signs (most of them cleverly drawn), the crowds roared. A special sign designed by Dorsey drove the Hispanic crowd to applaud. Everyone was at their feet as Voorhees jazz handed the crowd. 15.5-14.5!
Whiteside though is used to loud sounds - whether it be the roar of the Harley or the roar of Malloy's cube air warmer, he's heard it all. And he's practically deaf by now anyway. As he put it, "when you're in the zone, you hear nothing." And with that Whiteside peeled out in a thunderous move best called the Wheelie, and best not felt. Unfortunately Voohees felt it.
Halftime.
Whiteside leads 18.5-14.5-2 over Voorhees and Baer.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's finale. And, if you haven't voted, you have one day left.
It's not how you start. it's how you finish.
It's Halloween season, the perfect time for Jason Voorhees. But let me tell you, Denny has seen like every Halloween movie. And he isn't scared. This is a matchup of office super powers. Of movers and shakers. (sometimes equal amounts of both) Voorhees once worked for 3 years as an unpaid intern. (side note: the intern program is now only 11 weeks). Whiteside once worked 3 shifts, only one of which was paid.
This matchup started a long time ago. You see, Denny has another job. Well, several. At Rawlings, he has at last count 14 positions that he currently handles:
Glove R&D Developer
K2 Hall of Fame star maker/thrower
Glove Graphic Designer
Glove Break in Supervisor
Night Watchman
Glove Assistant Product manager
Historian
Security Guard
Inventor
Judge (when disagreements arise between Williams and Farrar)
Actor (starred in Glove Busters and a Cooperstown video, along with past videos that cannot be spoken of)
Sheep Shearer
Inspector #3
Drag Queen (I might recommend staying home on Halloween)
What? Glove Graphic designer? Yes, that's right. This UFC battle has been brewing ever since Whiteside bought a street version of PhotoShop in China on a R&D trip. Denny brings it out to design and develop glove specs, as he puts it. Call it like you want to, but this battle started out as a good old fashioned Graphics Bake Off.
Voorhees brought it early. A tasty concoction of graphics that took some name marketing dreamed up and made it look cool. He then printed it, put it on a bat, and made 16 tee shirt concepts to promote it. Voorhees led 3-0.
Whiteside countered, sending an email overnight (apparently Denny hasn't yet realized he doesn't have to work both during US business hours and Tri Phil business hours) to his Tri Phil attack partners and they sourced a new product concept which was in our offices by noon. 4-3 Whiteside.
John "Grizzly" Baer entered the fray. Apparently he was not happy with either design. While they might look cool, they just weren't practical. His head shake told it all. But then he went in for his patented move, the "Baer" Hug. Wow. This was a painful and awkward move that we just should have seen coming. 2 points for Baer.
Whiteside went back to work, this time shearing a sheep (which he stole from J2 who was obviously busy counting them) and making it into a fluffy yet fashionable coat of armor. Whiteside led 9.5 - 3.5.
Voorhees responded, by ripping away one of his long sleeves. We all knew Voorhees was up for fighting when he showed up for work in a long-sleeved shirt. Long sleeves, you see, are professional, and nicely hide his intimidating man muscles.... and tattoos. As Denny turned to see what that strange noise was, making a ripping sound, Voorhees hit him up (white) side the head with his fully sleeved arm. A nice move on the disco floor and a nice move in the UFC. and, yes, he jazz handed in celebration. This match evened tight at 9.5-8.5 Denny.
Whiteside came back, hitting Voorhees with a thunderous smack from his palm. (no, he didn't feel it. Whiteside had invented a way to insert his hand into the punch that removed the pressure from his thumb - eliminating any possibility of a bone bruise. He then unrolled a huge sheath of leather (not sure if that is proper glove lingo or not), turned Voorhees into a stamp, and pressed out a nice leather version of our graphics prodigy. Whiteside extended a comfy 15.5-8.5 lead.
Voorhees though took that leather and turned it into a battle cape - wearing it more proudly than (almost) anyone had ever worn leather in the office. This battle armor tightened the gap to 15.5-10.5 . As his graphics peers designed battle signs (most of them cleverly drawn), the crowds roared. A special sign designed by Dorsey drove the Hispanic crowd to applaud. Everyone was at their feet as Voorhees jazz handed the crowd. 15.5-14.5!
Whiteside though is used to loud sounds - whether it be the roar of the Harley or the roar of Malloy's cube air warmer, he's heard it all. And he's practically deaf by now anyway. As he put it, "when you're in the zone, you hear nothing." And with that Whiteside peeled out in a thunderous move best called the Wheelie, and best not felt. Unfortunately Voohees felt it.
Halftime.
Whiteside leads 18.5-14.5-2 over Voorhees and Baer.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's finale. And, if you haven't voted, you have one day left.
It's not how you start. it's how you finish.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
a sexy ride!
Denny purred. Well his bike did, that is. Today was a beautiful day, and he was ready to take it for a ride. Now, if you haven't had the pleasure of riding behind Denny on the bike, let me tell you (well I haven't either, I'm just reading this from the expressions on the faces of people who have!) the view is challenging and you'd better find something to hold onto. Denny's bike is really made for one to own the road, but he made an exception this morning. Whiteside arrived at McCartney's desk, lunged over and in a Fireman's Carry maneuver last seen when France was in better shape, carried the startled but purring McCartney over his shoulder onto the bike.
The next part of the Whiteside ride is simple. You wait until he is affixed in his place and then you climb on. That's what Jason did, because he didn't want to upset D-W. In a move part love and part UFC, Whiteside sent Jason on a UFC roller coaster ride that left Jason's insides in a jungle gym of turmoil. When they arrived back in the offices, Whiteside led 9-3. (Jason had grabbed onto Whiteside a little too tight during the ride, which narrowed the gap just a little)
McCartney is also an inventor, inventing such things as the Lightning glove idea to the waist high sock and the Fenton jacket (which didn't take off). He also, as you know likes to paint (as he dabbled around in Washington and once modeled for a local art class... and by local, I mean inner-company). Anyways, McCartney had invented the battle board. This is a unique tool that allows you to look as if you are working in photoshop while you are, in effect moving a robotic arm into place. This arm operated a lot like the arms do in those machines you find in bars or restaurants (where you try to win a stuffed football by catching it in the clamps). McCartney moved the arm into place, then dove it straight down and it lifted Whiteside to the sky, in a Robotic Atomic Wedgie move that would've made the B.A.B.E. itself happy, if robots could be happy that is. The score knotted closer at 9-8. J Mac got up from his chair, rolled up his cuffs, and leaped in a crazy move last seen in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The special effects would've been crazy, if Jason needed them. But they were crazy as it was. The Whiteside fell behind 11-9, as he fell off the robotic arm onto the ground.
But Whiteside is bringing the sexy back into the office. Big Sexy in the City, that is. Obviously ready for his movie role, where he'll need no stunt double, Denny rose without even bending his legs. He then reached into his satchel (because all cowboy heroes carry satchels) and pulled out some kind of throwing star which he most obviously had drawn himself in a photoshop-lite type program, then emailed to tri phil, sourced, and had shipped back to him. It was crazy, it was painful, it was unpredictable (ever experience anything like that?) Jason tried to defend himself, but the mad skills on display by the Whiteside were irrefutable. Whiteside roared (or snored) like his Harley as he delivered that fatal blow to the hopes of an all graphics UFC title bout.
Whiteside prevails, 17-12, advancing to the UFC Title Match versus Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees.
The matchup will take place in 2 weeks, like the Super Bowl... as these two are now going on a UFC tour, promoting the finals. Stay tuned for more updates. And, heck, in the meantime, feel free to go and play with fire. Just don't get burned.
The next part of the Whiteside ride is simple. You wait until he is affixed in his place and then you climb on. That's what Jason did, because he didn't want to upset D-W. In a move part love and part UFC, Whiteside sent Jason on a UFC roller coaster ride that left Jason's insides in a jungle gym of turmoil. When they arrived back in the offices, Whiteside led 9-3. (Jason had grabbed onto Whiteside a little too tight during the ride, which narrowed the gap just a little)
McCartney is also an inventor, inventing such things as the Lightning glove idea to the waist high sock and the Fenton jacket (which didn't take off). He also, as you know likes to paint (as he dabbled around in Washington and once modeled for a local art class... and by local, I mean inner-company). Anyways, McCartney had invented the battle board. This is a unique tool that allows you to look as if you are working in photoshop while you are, in effect moving a robotic arm into place. This arm operated a lot like the arms do in those machines you find in bars or restaurants (where you try to win a stuffed football by catching it in the clamps). McCartney moved the arm into place, then dove it straight down and it lifted Whiteside to the sky, in a Robotic Atomic Wedgie move that would've made the B.A.B.E. itself happy, if robots could be happy that is. The score knotted closer at 9-8. J Mac got up from his chair, rolled up his cuffs, and leaped in a crazy move last seen in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The special effects would've been crazy, if Jason needed them. But they were crazy as it was. The Whiteside fell behind 11-9, as he fell off the robotic arm onto the ground.
But Whiteside is bringing the sexy back into the office. Big Sexy in the City, that is. Obviously ready for his movie role, where he'll need no stunt double, Denny rose without even bending his legs. He then reached into his satchel (because all cowboy heroes carry satchels) and pulled out some kind of throwing star which he most obviously had drawn himself in a photoshop-lite type program, then emailed to tri phil, sourced, and had shipped back to him. It was crazy, it was painful, it was unpredictable (ever experience anything like that?) Jason tried to defend himself, but the mad skills on display by the Whiteside were irrefutable. Whiteside roared (or snored) like his Harley as he delivered that fatal blow to the hopes of an all graphics UFC title bout.
Whiteside prevails, 17-12, advancing to the UFC Title Match versus Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees.
The matchup will take place in 2 weeks, like the Super Bowl... as these two are now going on a UFC tour, promoting the finals. Stay tuned for more updates. And, heck, in the meantime, feel free to go and play with fire. Just don't get burned.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
a grudge match. seriously.
Wow, this was more than a matchup. This was a matchup of beauty versus beauty. Of a catalog model versus a catalog designer. Of two former interns - one who was forced to leave because Seth's intern experience ended, the other who was forced to leave because it was just getting awkward. Both are now hired and regular employees (as regular as you could call them), but both have that chip on their shoulder, that feeling that the world is against them.
Well, this one started in an awkward spot, Clubbing on a Wednesday. Ryan "The Closer" Farrar checked in at his evening destination, when the burly bouncer asked for his ID. Farrar handed him his wallet. He was promptly tossed from the club, as it is apparently not funny to present a license with your face as a unicorn's. Stupid graphics and this "PhotoShop" program, thought Ryan as he sat on the curb and sipped his smoothie. Voorhees had set the tone, and he had threatened with Ryan's most prized possession: Mojo.
(Side note: Farrar doesn't take missing opportunities to go out lightly. He once skipped a kickball matchup to go out.)
Back to the fight. This was Farrar and Away the most painful start one could imagine for an Elite 8 battle. Voorhees went to work early. And when I say went to work, I mean it. When Farrar entered work (Mojo all off kilter), he reached his cube and found it "occupied". Voorhees had cleverly designed a number (7) that confused the office movers and instead swapped Farrar's office equipment and put it somewhere else. In Ryan's cube, in fact was simply a microwave and a package of partially popped popcorn, along with a note that said (in a fancy font that showed movement and felt techy) "If you want to see something get popped all the way, look in the mirror behind you."
Wow, what could that mean, thought Ryan?
He looked behind him and saw a mirror - obviously moved in from somewhere else. How in the world did that fancy #7 get designed? And where was his stuff? Oh well, he turned around to look in the mirror. But the only thing he saw was his own reflection. Ryan flashed a smile (sometimes he makes himself smile) then suddenly, it came. From behind the mirror jumped a leather-vested adversary (Voorhees, not Zumbach) who delivered a HOH bull-like stampede into the grill of Farrar. Let's just say that Ryan ended up with two fist tattoos, one on each cheek. Wow.
Voorhees led 8-2. He extended the lead to 14-2 as Farrar attempted calling his office phone, trying to locate his new cube. No luck. Anger billowed inside the young Farrar. Do you know how Farrar he'd come? He didn't work so hard as an intern to just lie down and give up. So he popped an energy drink out of his new holdster slot (an innovation Greg Williams devised out of spare leather pieces and leftover scraps from Bob Clevenhagen's Washington toy workshop), slammed it, and felt the vibe of adrenaline surge. He put his weight on his one good leg and body checked the leather warrior across the first floor into the graphics octagon. This cut the gap to 16-8.
There he saw his desk, or at least it looked like his desk - who else would keep a wad of black chew behind their laptop, right? Right. Farrar grabbed his energy chew and popped it in. Voorhees was taken aback by his fearlessness (cutting the gap to 16-11) in putting topsoil in his mouth. But Farrar figured that out. Too late.
When the mood was getting just plain crazy, Voorhees pulled them out. The jazz hands. As he dazzled and jazzled, Farrar became hypnotized. Voorhees stopped, took a quick picture of the dazed Farrar, faked a chef's costume on him, cropped it, cleaned it up, and put it on a flyer Hilton was doing for Buffalo Wild Wings. Then, having finished his work, he completed the job - in the form of a Peg Leg style power knee. He was back at his desk before Jeff France even noticed he'd left. Or so he thought.
Voorhees advances to the title match, edging Farrar in a tighter than it seemed 25-11 victory (no it wasn't.)
Who will he fight? You decide. They are up now:
#3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney versus #1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside
Hit Reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
Good luck.
And don't play with fire. It might crackle and seem fun, but it isn't.
Well, this one started in an awkward spot, Clubbing on a Wednesday. Ryan "The Closer" Farrar checked in at his evening destination, when the burly bouncer asked for his ID. Farrar handed him his wallet. He was promptly tossed from the club, as it is apparently not funny to present a license with your face as a unicorn's. Stupid graphics and this "PhotoShop" program, thought Ryan as he sat on the curb and sipped his smoothie. Voorhees had set the tone, and he had threatened with Ryan's most prized possession: Mojo.
(Side note: Farrar doesn't take missing opportunities to go out lightly. He once skipped a kickball matchup to go out.)
Back to the fight. This was Farrar and Away the most painful start one could imagine for an Elite 8 battle. Voorhees went to work early. And when I say went to work, I mean it. When Farrar entered work (Mojo all off kilter), he reached his cube and found it "occupied". Voorhees had cleverly designed a number (7) that confused the office movers and instead swapped Farrar's office equipment and put it somewhere else. In Ryan's cube, in fact was simply a microwave and a package of partially popped popcorn, along with a note that said (in a fancy font that showed movement and felt techy) "If you want to see something get popped all the way, look in the mirror behind you."
Wow, what could that mean, thought Ryan?
He looked behind him and saw a mirror - obviously moved in from somewhere else. How in the world did that fancy #7 get designed? And where was his stuff? Oh well, he turned around to look in the mirror. But the only thing he saw was his own reflection. Ryan flashed a smile (sometimes he makes himself smile) then suddenly, it came. From behind the mirror jumped a leather-vested adversary (Voorhees, not Zumbach) who delivered a HOH bull-like stampede into the grill of Farrar. Let's just say that Ryan ended up with two fist tattoos, one on each cheek. Wow.
Voorhees led 8-2. He extended the lead to 14-2 as Farrar attempted calling his office phone, trying to locate his new cube. No luck. Anger billowed inside the young Farrar. Do you know how Farrar he'd come? He didn't work so hard as an intern to just lie down and give up. So he popped an energy drink out of his new holdster slot (an innovation Greg Williams devised out of spare leather pieces and leftover scraps from Bob Clevenhagen's Washington toy workshop), slammed it, and felt the vibe of adrenaline surge. He put his weight on his one good leg and body checked the leather warrior across the first floor into the graphics octagon. This cut the gap to 16-8.
There he saw his desk, or at least it looked like his desk - who else would keep a wad of black chew behind their laptop, right? Right. Farrar grabbed his energy chew and popped it in. Voorhees was taken aback by his fearlessness (cutting the gap to 16-11) in putting topsoil in his mouth. But Farrar figured that out. Too late.
When the mood was getting just plain crazy, Voorhees pulled them out. The jazz hands. As he dazzled and jazzled, Farrar became hypnotized. Voorhees stopped, took a quick picture of the dazed Farrar, faked a chef's costume on him, cropped it, cleaned it up, and put it on a flyer Hilton was doing for Buffalo Wild Wings. Then, having finished his work, he completed the job - in the form of a Peg Leg style power knee. He was back at his desk before Jeff France even noticed he'd left. Or so he thought.
Voorhees advances to the title match, edging Farrar in a tighter than it seemed 25-11 victory (no it wasn't.)
Who will he fight? You decide. They are up now:
#3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney versus #1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside
Hit Reply to vote or email to RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
Good luck.
And don't play with fire. It might crackle and seem fun, but it isn't.
Monday, September 24, 2007
A battle of superhero proportions
I know what you're thinking, right? We ALL know Logan "Out For" Justice is a superhero. But Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney? Isn't he just a graphics guy? Yes. But he's a graphics guy who has worked on superhero images and put them on playground balls. So, this is clearly a dead-even fight going in.
Well, Logan started off in trouble. McCartney arrived at work, or maybe never left (it is catalog season) and painted a second Rawlings entrance on the outside of the building - in the finest painting job seen since the floors of the Washington Warehouse were crafted by McCartney over a lunch hour during inventory season several years ago. Logan walked towards the building in a hurry. You know, the Logan Speedwalk is famous in the building - she has the fastest walk this side of Dan Cullinane - and she unfortunately walked straight into the building, as McCartney's faux door trick had worked to perfection. Justice remained outside, perplexed, as many of us have at one time or another done as we stared at the work of one of these "artists." Nonetheless this awkward period of seeing Logan walk into the building followed by perplexed staring allowed McCartney to extend an early 6-2 lead. (Logan did get two points for the speed at which she did this and for her ability to gaze into McCartney's work). Kuato gazed calmly back at Justice - staring from his perch where J-Mac had painted him.
Meanwhile, out from another painted door ran McCartney. (He had made a banner like the kind seen at local high school football games but with a fake Rawlings facade on it - this banner had in fact been designed as a potential facade for the Rawlings Group before later settling on cobbling the one we have today out of brick.) But like many a graphics project, it looked real - real enough to confuse us less artsy types. But the only look Justice saw was an angry, ripped, graphics powersource known as McCartney and an equally angry, not so ripped, crazy growth known as Kuato. Both delivered angry bellows that led to an 11-2 lead.
But Justice is Served. And it's best served Icy Cold. Logan, in fact had figured out where the real door was and had sprinted into the building. She ran into the first floor break room and grabbed the ice machine, quickly rearranged it into a staple gun-like apparatus, and began to shoot ice pellets at McCartney, cooling his heat down to the tune of an 11-7 lead. She then tossed the ice machine in the air, and delivered a cartwheel-style roundhouse kick of surprise knotting the score at 11. Next, she asked for revisions to the bat line, just because she could see the future and knew they wouldn't be quite right. These would need to be done "yesterday", because even a superhero can't turn back time. This tactic, the quick deadline, is often employed by marketing or sales personnel to great dismay in the graphics universe. When used properly, it leads to a graphics period known as "chattering amongst themselves" followed by a billowing of anger, followed by getting things done even better than imagined. Justice sailed to a 16-12 lead.
McCartney though pulled out his secret weapon (no, not Kuato. Kuato just distracted Justice with crazy riddles while J-Mac went to work). He called for his chariot. Within 50 minutes, the Washington Bobcat cart had arrived and J-Mac had his driver, a gentle lassy who while a bit wild and crazy for most of us provided the distraction while J-Mac delivered the smoke. As in instant power mixed with crazy skill and scary tattoos (not unlike J2's) in a firestorm best left for the history books. Or the timeline that will one day fill our offices.
McCartney used this BobCat cart attack to his advantage, riding it over to Justice where he delivered the a 19-17 victory and advancing on to the Rawlings UFC Final Four!
Here is your final 4 Schedule:
Tuesday: Stewing Day. Hope you're hungry.
Wednesday: #5 Ryan Farrar vs. #6 Jason Voorhees
Thursday: #1 Denny Whiteside vs #3 Jason McCartney
Friday: TITLE BOUT!
Well, Logan started off in trouble. McCartney arrived at work, or maybe never left (it is catalog season) and painted a second Rawlings entrance on the outside of the building - in the finest painting job seen since the floors of the Washington Warehouse were crafted by McCartney over a lunch hour during inventory season several years ago. Logan walked towards the building in a hurry. You know, the Logan Speedwalk is famous in the building - she has the fastest walk this side of Dan Cullinane - and she unfortunately walked straight into the building, as McCartney's faux door trick had worked to perfection. Justice remained outside, perplexed, as many of us have at one time or another done as we stared at the work of one of these "artists." Nonetheless this awkward period of seeing Logan walk into the building followed by perplexed staring allowed McCartney to extend an early 6-2 lead. (Logan did get two points for the speed at which she did this and for her ability to gaze into McCartney's work). Kuato gazed calmly back at Justice - staring from his perch where J-Mac had painted him.
Meanwhile, out from another painted door ran McCartney. (He had made a banner like the kind seen at local high school football games but with a fake Rawlings facade on it - this banner had in fact been designed as a potential facade for the Rawlings Group before later settling on cobbling the one we have today out of brick.) But like many a graphics project, it looked real - real enough to confuse us less artsy types. But the only look Justice saw was an angry, ripped, graphics powersource known as McCartney and an equally angry, not so ripped, crazy growth known as Kuato. Both delivered angry bellows that led to an 11-2 lead.
But Justice is Served. And it's best served Icy Cold. Logan, in fact had figured out where the real door was and had sprinted into the building. She ran into the first floor break room and grabbed the ice machine, quickly rearranged it into a staple gun-like apparatus, and began to shoot ice pellets at McCartney, cooling his heat down to the tune of an 11-7 lead. She then tossed the ice machine in the air, and delivered a cartwheel-style roundhouse kick of surprise knotting the score at 11. Next, she asked for revisions to the bat line, just because she could see the future and knew they wouldn't be quite right. These would need to be done "yesterday", because even a superhero can't turn back time. This tactic, the quick deadline, is often employed by marketing or sales personnel to great dismay in the graphics universe. When used properly, it leads to a graphics period known as "chattering amongst themselves" followed by a billowing of anger, followed by getting things done even better than imagined. Justice sailed to a 16-12 lead.
McCartney though pulled out his secret weapon (no, not Kuato. Kuato just distracted Justice with crazy riddles while J-Mac went to work). He called for his chariot. Within 50 minutes, the Washington Bobcat cart had arrived and J-Mac had his driver, a gentle lassy who while a bit wild and crazy for most of us provided the distraction while J-Mac delivered the smoke. As in instant power mixed with crazy skill and scary tattoos (not unlike J2's) in a firestorm best left for the history books. Or the timeline that will one day fill our offices.
McCartney used this BobCat cart attack to his advantage, riding it over to Justice where he delivered the a 19-17 victory and advancing on to the Rawlings UFC Final Four!
Here is your final 4 Schedule:
Tuesday: Stewing Day. Hope you're hungry.
Wednesday: #5 Ryan Farrar vs. #6 Jason Voorhees
Thursday: #1 Denny Whiteside vs #3 Jason McCartney
Friday: TITLE BOUT!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Shaw(Shank) Redemption?
Chicago Final: #5 Ryan "The Closer" Farrar vs. #10 Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption"
That's the match up, don't wear it out.
In the Windy City you don't have a regional championship without drama. I won't even spare the drama for my Momma, I'll share it with you.
Ryan "The Closer" Farrar , just like cable's #1 drama of all time, "The Closer," starring Golden Globe winner Kyra Sedgwick, is sure to be the favorite in this fight right? I mean he's fighting a girl!! But he gets nervous around girls, so anything could happen.
Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption" , just like the seven time Academy Award nominated movie Shaw Shank Redemption, is by no means an easy opponent, but will she end up with no Oscar's like the film? Or will she come away with the ultimate trophy…..Ryan's heart and sole…..
Both fighters were eager to get going with Becky fresh off her first marriage, Ryan fresh off another injury (it was just the weekend you know), and a clear mind for both. Ryan was the first to earn points for driving to work using the wrong foot. 4-0 Ryan. Becky was quick to slash back doing her best OJ impersonation by running over Ryan like the Juice in his prime. (I bet you thought I was going in a whole nother direction with that didn't cha…that's right, but I didn't). Score tied at 4 each.
Becky doesn't really like football and started feeling sorry for poor Ryan. Ryan decided that he would quickly grow a goatee to make himself look tougher (point) and growled at Becky (point) making her run screaming like a girl (point). Becky's only escape was through a tiny crawl space she had been patiently digging through her cube wall since we moved into the new office giving her a point. Score: 7-5 with the closer leading
Becky's lack of planning showed here (not that I'm saying she has a lack of planning usually) as she fell into Hoying's cube beside her. Ryan found her quickly, but not too quickly because he's limping. He grabbed her by the hair and dunked her into Hoying's tiny basketball hoop (2 points of course) and then stepped back and shot her again through the hoop, but from long distance giving him 3 points. Pretty standard rules really. Score: 12-5 Ry-guy.
Becky got up like a hockey player and played through her injuries. She even got a couple stitches on the side lines between periods. When the buzzer sounded (it was actually a phone ringing) she jumped over a cube and elbow dropped Ryan like some throw back WWF. Ryan cried, you should have seen it. He even sucked his thumb a little. Score: 12-6, Ryan doubling Becky still.
While sucking his thumb, Ryan remembered that he had stuff to do before he could go out that night so he went ahead and finished Becky off. He simply put up a trip wire and called Becky over. She fell into the Lion's den (a real lions den that Ryan had dug and put the large cats in earlier this summer. Don't ask to see it, Rita hasn't told Duke about it yet). Ryan finished Becky like Sherman finishes hamburgers….too early and without changing his gloves. Game over. Ryan wins 15-6 over Becky.
Tuesday 9/18: Rio Final: A UFC 2.0 match up (you send in your battle description):
#12 Lindsey "Knee Brace" Naber vs. #6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees
That's the match up, don't wear it out.
In the Windy City you don't have a regional championship without drama. I won't even spare the drama for my Momma, I'll share it with you.
Ryan "The Closer" Farrar , just like cable's #1 drama of all time, "The Closer," starring Golden Globe winner Kyra Sedgwick, is sure to be the favorite in this fight right? I mean he's fighting a girl!! But he gets nervous around girls, so anything could happen.
Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption" , just like the seven time Academy Award nominated movie Shaw Shank Redemption, is by no means an easy opponent, but will she end up with no Oscar's like the film? Or will she come away with the ultimate trophy…..Ryan's heart and sole…..
Both fighters were eager to get going with Becky fresh off her first marriage, Ryan fresh off another injury (it was just the weekend you know), and a clear mind for both. Ryan was the first to earn points for driving to work using the wrong foot. 4-0 Ryan. Becky was quick to slash back doing her best OJ impersonation by running over Ryan like the Juice in his prime. (I bet you thought I was going in a whole nother direction with that didn't cha…that's right, but I didn't). Score tied at 4 each.
Becky doesn't really like football and started feeling sorry for poor Ryan. Ryan decided that he would quickly grow a goatee to make himself look tougher (point) and growled at Becky (point) making her run screaming like a girl (point). Becky's only escape was through a tiny crawl space she had been patiently digging through her cube wall since we moved into the new office giving her a point. Score: 7-5 with the closer leading
Becky's lack of planning showed here (not that I'm saying she has a lack of planning usually) as she fell into Hoying's cube beside her. Ryan found her quickly, but not too quickly because he's limping. He grabbed her by the hair and dunked her into Hoying's tiny basketball hoop (2 points of course) and then stepped back and shot her again through the hoop, but from long distance giving him 3 points. Pretty standard rules really. Score: 12-5 Ry-guy.
Becky got up like a hockey player and played through her injuries. She even got a couple stitches on the side lines between periods. When the buzzer sounded (it was actually a phone ringing) she jumped over a cube and elbow dropped Ryan like some throw back WWF. Ryan cried, you should have seen it. He even sucked his thumb a little. Score: 12-6, Ryan doubling Becky still.
While sucking his thumb, Ryan remembered that he had stuff to do before he could go out that night so he went ahead and finished Becky off. He simply put up a trip wire and called Becky over. She fell into the Lion's den (a real lions den that Ryan had dug and put the large cats in earlier this summer. Don't ask to see it, Rita hasn't told Duke about it yet). Ryan finished Becky like Sherman finishes hamburgers….too early and without changing his gloves. Game over. Ryan wins 15-6 over Becky.
Tuesday 9/18: Rio Final: A UFC 2.0 match up (you send in your battle description):
#12 Lindsey "Knee Brace" Naber vs. #6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Battle for the honor of the graphics universe
The setup for today's matchup between #3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney and #2 Kate "Bleepin" Ranzini began at the doorway to the castle. The castle you see had been thought by many to contain secrets that would allow you to conquer Eternia. McCartney wanted in. He likes secrets. So he arrived at the castle riding on his large battle cat, Cringer. Now for those of you who do not know, McCartney had already proclaimed himself the most powerful man in the Graphics Universe (or gu as it is known to outsiders) and was set to prove it in this fight. McCartney boasts several powers which reinforce his position of power, including:
The unicorn, hauling the other graphics battle-lord, Jason Voorhees on its back appeared like a shiny star on a rainy night. Voorhees, who is reportedly upset at being referred to as J2 (he claims to be the original), delivered a hit with each of his tattoos (or splashing ink as it's called in the tattoo fight clubs). Anyways, he was gone in a flash and left this crazy fight to continue.
McCartney used this as an opportunity to deploy a couple of battle orbs into the sky, while flexing loudly and then he let it out - the Super Breath technique we warned you about earlier. The breath whipped Kate's hair back in an all-too-unfamiliar manner, extending Jason's lead to 8-4-1. Kate's hair bounced back perfectly, closing the gap to 8-6-1. This ironic sequence of Super Breaths and Super Resilience (of hair) continued like one of those hand dryers in a bathroom that won't stay on long enough. McCartney led 13-11-1.
That's when Jason revealed his Crystal Belt - and with one press of a startling button on that belt, Ranzini dozed over. As in fight over. As in the graphics universe was still in tact.
McCartney wins 15-11-1 over Ranzini and Voorhees. He advances to the finals of the E-Ville Regional against Logan "Out for" Justice.
Up next, your Elite 8! Here's the battle schedules:
TODAY: Chicago Final: #5 Ryan "The Closer" Farrar vs. #10 Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption"
Tuesday 9/18: Rio Final: A UFC 2.0 matchup (you send in your battle description): #12 Lindsey "Knee Brace" Naber vs. #6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees
Wednesday and Thursday: Stewing Days (no fighting, just heavy stewing)
Friday 9/21:Sturgis Final: #1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside vs. #6 Wendy "Still Nasty, Not Newlywed" Mathis
Monday 9/24: E-Ville Final: #4 Logan "Out for" Justice vs. #3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney
Now's the time you vote. Hit reply or email us at RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
I don't care if it's a disco inferno, you still can't play with fire. Dance it out.
- Super Breath, where he blows, using the full-capacity of his lungs, a gust of wind powerful enough to knock over most opponents. Unfortunately, this does not translate into Super Wind, as he does get winded rather quickly on the basketball court.
- The Human Tornado (created with the aid of spinning a sword or small human) can divert objects. This has diverted many an art request onto the desk of other graphics warriors and amused crowds at McCartney family gatherings.
- Instant Offense (either describing scoring points in bunches or offending you in a hurry)
- Able to rub his hands together fast enough to turn sand into glass
The unicorn, hauling the other graphics battle-lord, Jason Voorhees on its back appeared like a shiny star on a rainy night. Voorhees, who is reportedly upset at being referred to as J2 (he claims to be the original), delivered a hit with each of his tattoos (or splashing ink as it's called in the tattoo fight clubs). Anyways, he was gone in a flash and left this crazy fight to continue.
McCartney used this as an opportunity to deploy a couple of battle orbs into the sky, while flexing loudly and then he let it out - the Super Breath technique we warned you about earlier. The breath whipped Kate's hair back in an all-too-unfamiliar manner, extending Jason's lead to 8-4-1. Kate's hair bounced back perfectly, closing the gap to 8-6-1. This ironic sequence of Super Breaths and Super Resilience (of hair) continued like one of those hand dryers in a bathroom that won't stay on long enough. McCartney led 13-11-1.
That's when Jason revealed his Crystal Belt - and with one press of a startling button on that belt, Ranzini dozed over. As in fight over. As in the graphics universe was still in tact.
McCartney wins 15-11-1 over Ranzini and Voorhees. He advances to the finals of the E-Ville Regional against Logan "Out for" Justice.
Up next, your Elite 8! Here's the battle schedules:
TODAY: Chicago Final: #5 Ryan "The Closer" Farrar vs. #10 Becky Shaw "Shank Redemption"
Tuesday 9/18: Rio Final: A UFC 2.0 matchup (you send in your battle description): #12 Lindsey "Knee Brace" Naber vs. #6 Jason "El Gigante" Voorhees
Wednesday and Thursday: Stewing Days (no fighting, just heavy stewing)
Friday 9/21:Sturgis Final: #1 Denny "Big Sexy" Whiteside vs. #6 Wendy "Still Nasty, Not Newlywed" Mathis
Monday 9/24: E-Ville Final: #4 Logan "Out for" Justice vs. #3 Jason "Graphics Violence" McCartney
Now's the time you vote. Hit reply or email us at RawlingsUFC@gmail.com.
I don't care if it's a disco inferno, you still can't play with fire. Dance it out.
